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10 Telltale Signs Your Friend is Stabbing You in the Back.

10 Telltale Signs Your Friend is Stabbing You in the Back.

How do those eggshells feel under your feet? You know, the ones you’ve been walking on to keep your new friend happy? She’s not so bad really. I know she has no other friends but she’s just misunderstood.

It makes you wonder how someone could be so misused and misunderstood by EVERYONE she comes into contact with. And yet, there is something about her that makes you uneasy.

Your gut instincts about these types of people are usually correct and They will drain you of your last drop of energy before they move on to another person.

There is a certain personality type who will stab you in the back the first chance they get. Here are some telltale signs that you have one of them on your hands.

1. They give you a compliment and you feel like you have been slapped.

You have heard these right? “Nice sweater! I didn’t know they sold such nice stuff at the Goodwill” or “Nice dress, if your legs were longer, It might look good.” There is a million and one ways one can take a compliment and serve it backhand to you. If you get upset or defend yourself, you are being mean, petty or too sensitive.

2. They are only happy with you if you let them win at everything

This type of person is so insecure that they cannot be made wrong in any way without completely blowing up. They will defend a ridiculous position in an argument to the death just to avoid being wrong.

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Any slight disagreement you have with them turns into a giant upset where they insist that you are cold heartedly trying to destroy them.

The truth is that every word spoken or every idea put forth by them is designed to get you under their control so that you can be used by them. Any means of doing this will be used including destroying your life, your relationships, your confidence and ultimately, your sanity. They can be very convincing.

3. They flirt with your husband or boyfriend.

This type of person has no ethics or morals at all. If she thought she could steal your boyfriend just for fun, she would very likely try to do so. Looking at the pasts of these types of people, you see strings of destroyed relationships and infidelities.

They feel no remorse for their destruction, in fact, they will tell you without blinking that all of these people “deserved it.”

4. Their every day talk is peppered with put downs.

This person has something nasty to say about almost everyone. If you think you are the only one escaping her scathing critiques, think again. She is saying the same things to others about you when you are not there. Lies are told to elicit sympathy or assistance and turn others away from anyone who sees the truth about them and who they perceive as a threat.

If you stand up for yourself or anyone they are destroying, you become that  threat and they bring out all the tools they can think of for your covert destruction. With alarming lies, they turn your best friends against you and can even get you fired, blacklisted or killed unless they are exposed.

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Another point about this personality type is that although they talk down anyone good, they may also defend destructive people and groups.

5. They are jealous of your other friends.

A person with this personality tries to control all of your communication for their own perceived benefit. If they feel that you are getting too attached to someone else, they see it as a threat and work directly or covertly to destroy your relationships.

Harmful lies are invented and spread without any thought of the havoc they wreak.

6. They make you feel ugly, stupid and unlovable.

Every utterance from a person like this is designed to make you feel inferior so that you can be used. If you’ve ever heard of the term, “energy vampires,” then this is what they are.  The energy vampires are convinced that they cannot create energy and must leech energy off of others for their own survival. They use whatever means of accomplishing this and it is never constructive.

One who has occasional lapses is not necessarily an energy vampire. The true energy vampires are like this all the time. They have an underlying hectic need to get the people around them under control. They are truly desperate. This person looks at you, not as a friend or someone to care for but as their own personal robot to use. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they drop you and find a new host.

The Modus operandi is the same, put you down covertly until you have lost your confidence then use the fruits of your labor to get whatever they can for themselves while they can.

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7. They seem coldly calculating.

They may profess to love you more than anything else in the world but there is no smile behind their eyes. There is no warmth in their embrace. You feel on guard when you are with them. All of your gut feelings in these instances are more than likely correct.

8. They are extremely vengeful of perceived slights.

Remember those eggshells we talked about? Here is where you notice them the  most. I call this personality type the “suddenly angry” person. You are going along in life doing what you normally do and they are “suddenly angry” and you have no idea what happened.

They then turn this perceived slight into the biggest crime against humanity ever committed and after being harangued over and over about it, you start to believe it yourself. And you start to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you could be so blind and accidentally commit such a huge transgression.

In reality you have done nothing wrong, this person has just, for some reason, decided that they must get you back under their control and the blow up is the means to do this.

Any “sin” you have ever committed in their eyes, gets entered into a mental list of your crimes and are trotted out every time they think they need to put you back under their control.

Everything bad you have ever done to them (in their eyes) is so bad it cannot possibly be corrected whereas anything bad they have done to you is nothing. You are being too sensitive or you making a big deal over nothing. They will tell you how It just goes to prove how weak and stupid you are and how superior they are, never in plain language of course but you will come away with that unmistakable idea.

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9. They take pleasure in other people’s pain.

Anyone who laughs at or Is happy when others are in pain physical pain or mental discomfort, is nutty. It is not a normal human attribute to want others to feel pain or to be upset. Quite the contrary, mentally healthy people seek to help people and eliminate their sources of pain.

There are some people who do laugh when something painful happens but this is a reaction to shock or discomfort. You can tell when someone is really taking pleasure in someone else’s pain. This is a huge red flag.

10. Your life has suddenly has gone out of control.

The entrance into your life of one of these personality types can cause untold destruction to you and everyone around you. What looks like a streak of “bad luck” nine times out of ten is the poisoning of your environment by one of these energy vampires. Normal people of good will can create energy. They use their energy and turn it into what they need in order to survive better and to help others survive better.

When your energy, attention and actions are diverted into trying consciously or unconsciously to protect or defend yourself, or to clean up the messes these personalities leave in their wake, the rest of your life suffers dramatically.  If your life was going well at one point and suddenly everything started going wrong, look it over and see who entered your life just as that devastation started to hit. If you do this and comb these lice out of your hair, your life will smooth out again.

One of the things you might be telling yourself is that this person is really a good person and has had a bad time. While the person underneath is good, the identity they have assumed is deadly. trust them at your peril. Even the most outrageous criminal has some good in them but that doesn’t mean you should let them near you or your family.

Cut the energy vampires out of your life until they decide to be an actual member of the human race and go find some better friends.

Write me and let me know how it goes.

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

More Resources About Job Interviews

Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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