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10 Telltale Signs Your Friend is Stabbing You in the Back.

10 Telltale Signs Your Friend is Stabbing You in the Back.

How do those eggshells feel under your feet? You know, the ones you’ve been walking on to keep your new friend happy? She’s not so bad really. I know she has no other friends but she’s just misunderstood.

It makes you wonder how someone could be so misused and misunderstood by EVERYONE she comes into contact with. And yet, there is something about her that makes you uneasy.

Your gut instincts about these types of people are usually correct and They will drain you of your last drop of energy before they move on to another person.

There is a certain personality type who will stab you in the back the first chance they get. Here are some telltale signs that you have one of them on your hands.

1. They give you a compliment and you feel like you have been slapped.

You have heard these right? “Nice sweater! I didn’t know they sold such nice stuff at the Goodwill” or “Nice dress, if your legs were longer, It might look good.” There is a million and one ways one can take a compliment and serve it backhand to you. If you get upset or defend yourself, you are being mean, petty or too sensitive.

2. They are only happy with you if you let them win at everything

This type of person is so insecure that they cannot be made wrong in any way without completely blowing up. They will defend a ridiculous position in an argument to the death just to avoid being wrong.

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Any slight disagreement you have with them turns into a giant upset where they insist that you are cold heartedly trying to destroy them.

The truth is that every word spoken or every idea put forth by them is designed to get you under their control so that you can be used by them. Any means of doing this will be used including destroying your life, your relationships, your confidence and ultimately, your sanity. They can be very convincing.

3. They flirt with your husband or boyfriend.

This type of person has no ethics or morals at all. If she thought she could steal your boyfriend just for fun, she would very likely try to do so. Looking at the pasts of these types of people, you see strings of destroyed relationships and infidelities.

They feel no remorse for their destruction, in fact, they will tell you without blinking that all of these people “deserved it.”

4. Their every day talk is peppered with put downs.

This person has something nasty to say about almost everyone. If you think you are the only one escaping her scathing critiques, think again. She is saying the same things to others about you when you are not there. Lies are told to elicit sympathy or assistance and turn others away from anyone who sees the truth about them and who they perceive as a threat.

If you stand up for yourself or anyone they are destroying, you become that  threat and they bring out all the tools they can think of for your covert destruction. With alarming lies, they turn your best friends against you and can even get you fired, blacklisted or killed unless they are exposed.

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Another point about this personality type is that although they talk down anyone good, they may also defend destructive people and groups.

5. They are jealous of your other friends.

A person with this personality tries to control all of your communication for their own perceived benefit. If they feel that you are getting too attached to someone else, they see it as a threat and work directly or covertly to destroy your relationships.

Harmful lies are invented and spread without any thought of the havoc they wreak.

6. They make you feel ugly, stupid and unlovable.

Every utterance from a person like this is designed to make you feel inferior so that you can be used. If you’ve ever heard of the term, “energy vampires,” then this is what they are.  The energy vampires are convinced that they cannot create energy and must leech energy off of others for their own survival. They use whatever means of accomplishing this and it is never constructive.

One who has occasional lapses is not necessarily an energy vampire. The true energy vampires are like this all the time. They have an underlying hectic need to get the people around them under control. They are truly desperate. This person looks at you, not as a friend or someone to care for but as their own personal robot to use. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they drop you and find a new host.

The Modus operandi is the same, put you down covertly until you have lost your confidence then use the fruits of your labor to get whatever they can for themselves while they can.

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7. They seem coldly calculating.

They may profess to love you more than anything else in the world but there is no smile behind their eyes. There is no warmth in their embrace. You feel on guard when you are with them. All of your gut feelings in these instances are more than likely correct.

8. They are extremely vengeful of perceived slights.

Remember those eggshells we talked about? Here is where you notice them the  most. I call this personality type the “suddenly angry” person. You are going along in life doing what you normally do and they are “suddenly angry” and you have no idea what happened.

They then turn this perceived slight into the biggest crime against humanity ever committed and after being harangued over and over about it, you start to believe it yourself. And you start to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you could be so blind and accidentally commit such a huge transgression.

In reality you have done nothing wrong, this person has just, for some reason, decided that they must get you back under their control and the blow up is the means to do this.

Any “sin” you have ever committed in their eyes, gets entered into a mental list of your crimes and are trotted out every time they think they need to put you back under their control.

Everything bad you have ever done to them (in their eyes) is so bad it cannot possibly be corrected whereas anything bad they have done to you is nothing. You are being too sensitive or you making a big deal over nothing. They will tell you how It just goes to prove how weak and stupid you are and how superior they are, never in plain language of course but you will come away with that unmistakable idea.

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9. They take pleasure in other people’s pain.

Anyone who laughs at or Is happy when others are in pain physical pain or mental discomfort, is nutty. It is not a normal human attribute to want others to feel pain or to be upset. Quite the contrary, mentally healthy people seek to help people and eliminate their sources of pain.

There are some people who do laugh when something painful happens but this is a reaction to shock or discomfort. You can tell when someone is really taking pleasure in someone else’s pain. This is a huge red flag.

10. Your life has suddenly has gone out of control.

The entrance into your life of one of these personality types can cause untold destruction to you and everyone around you. What looks like a streak of “bad luck” nine times out of ten is the poisoning of your environment by one of these energy vampires. Normal people of good will can create energy. They use their energy and turn it into what they need in order to survive better and to help others survive better.

When your energy, attention and actions are diverted into trying consciously or unconsciously to protect or defend yourself, or to clean up the messes these personalities leave in their wake, the rest of your life suffers dramatically.  If your life was going well at one point and suddenly everything started going wrong, look it over and see who entered your life just as that devastation started to hit. If you do this and comb these lice out of your hair, your life will smooth out again.

One of the things you might be telling yourself is that this person is really a good person and has had a bad time. While the person underneath is good, the identity they have assumed is deadly. trust them at your peril. Even the most outrageous criminal has some good in them but that doesn’t mean you should let them near you or your family.

Cut the energy vampires out of your life until they decide to be an actual member of the human race and go find some better friends.

Write me and let me know how it goes.

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Chris Ellis

Successful Author, Life Coach and Musician

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Last Updated on November 11, 2019

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

Can a Dysfunctional Family Become Functional?

A dysfunctional family is more than disagreement or constant arguments. Anything from plain neglect, to abuse and even verbal and physical violence is the everyday experience of those who are part of a dysfunctional family.

You know how this looks:

  • Parents constantly comparing children.
  • Siblings in conflict because of tolerated bullying.
  • Domestic violence.
  • Adultery…
  • And many others.

For all the members, this will mean emotional pain and even trauma; which, in case it doesn’t get resolved, will have a detrimental effect on the individual’s personality and development.

Needless to say, the younger members are the most vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the parents are out of danger, as most commonly the parents play the roles of abuser-codependent, and in some cases, both parts inflicting pain on one another.

Most like to think these problems stem from deep-seated issues, and that therefore it’s pretty much impossible to deal with them.

This is only true for families not willing to do what it takes, for if only a single member is determined and knows how to do it, the whole family can do a lot of progress.

In this article, I’ll break down for you the basic steps of fixing a dysfunctional family. Although it may seem hopeless, it is possible to turn things around.

If you have ever felt in this position, or if you know somebody who is, this article is for you.

How to fix a dysfunctional family

In a few words the solution for a dysfunctional family lies in dropping the ego, focusing on the solution, switching blame for responsibility and doing the work as a unity, for the good of the whole family.

And this will accomplish things you once only saw as a dream.

Dropping the ego? Switching blame for responsibility? Doing the work? What does all this mean?

It’s simple. In a nutshell, it’s that which will allow you to turn a dysfunctional family into a functional one.

Let’s take a look at how exactly this can be done. And near the end we will also talk about what you can do in a dysfunctional family with cynical traits.

Dysfunctional families where not only problems are well-known, but also nobody seems to want a fix or openly decide to perpetuate the harmful behaviors. Such as the case of abuse and physical violence.

There is also a solution for these, it’s just not what you are expecting…

Dysfunctional… Or just average?

Most families are dysfunctional, though at varying degrees of dysfunctionality.

The milder cases, are just marked by “typical” comically-shrouded bullying or lack of interest in other members’ development or wellbeing.

You can know a family is dysfunctional if their interactions are anything different than cooperation, solidarity, care and support. But let’s get more specific…

A dysfunctional family is one in which members directly or indirectly suffer emotional and/or physical harm inflicted by other members of their family. Most commonly, perpetrated by the parents.

Even harmful actions as “passive” as neglect, which is inflicted by inaction rather than action, signifies a dysfunction within the family.

Dysfunctional families have conflicts such as:

  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Lack of interest and time spent together
  • Sexism
  • Utilitarianism
  • Lack of empathy
  • Unequal or unfair treatment
  • Disrespect towards boundaries
  • Control Issues
  • Jealousy
  • Verbal and physical abuse
  • Violence and even sexual misconduct or abuse

You may think a dysfunctional family has very little or nothing to do with personal productivity, but you would be wrong in thinking this way…

If a person is not emotionally well, she will not be able to perform as desired, as the emotional harm that has been inflicted will hinder everyday performance in the way of inability to concentrate, lack of mental clarity and low levels of inspiration, motivation and discipline.

Having a functional family does exactly the opposite: It creates productive members with no emotional baggage.

How to turn it around

When you’re part of a dysfunctional family you know it. You can quickly identify in other members the behaviors and conflicts that create the dysfunction.

But just in case you’re having trouble telling functional from dysfunctional I will tell you the following:

One of the easiest ways you can recognize if you are in a dysfunctional family is to survey your won feelings.

We often overlook this, but have you stopped to ask yourself how you feel?

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As cheesy as it may sound it really sheds a lot of light on the subject.

What behaviors, actions and attitudes in your family you wish were better?

Do you think certain behaviors and actions from your family marked you in the past?

Sadly, we cannot go back to the past to correct it. But we can do a lot in the present…

Correction is possible

In order to fix a dysfunctional family, you must start by putting an end to the behaviors and actions that are affecting you.

Verbalize it.

All members of the dysfunctional family have one issue in common: They don’t put a stop to the harm.

Whenever you feel your boundaries being overstepped there is just one single word you have to remember: STOP.

This is the door to a better, more functional family, because after this, comes the fix.

But first you have to identify and make others know where exactly lies the problem.

So go ahead and fearlessly start with “Stop”, followed by your expression of dissatisfaction.

Putting it to work in real life

In real life it would be something like this:

“OK, stop! Every time you belittle me I feel you don’t care. I need attention and respect, and it is your responsibility as my family to provide them to me”

Or:

“Stop. When you compare me with my cousin it hurts, I feel like I don’t matter and that’s not ok. I ask you to stop doing it.

Or:

“Please stop. When you start yelling all respect is lost and it turns into a battle of who can do it louder. Don’t raise your voice and let’s work this out the way humans do”.

As you can see, here you start by putting a stop to the toxic behavior when it arises. And afterwards you verbalize why it’s wrong and what needs of you need to be fulfilled.

This is what you have to remember:

1-Stop.

2-Why it’s wrong?

3-What you need.

And this will also work well in case you need to do it for another family member.

It’s a family thing

A dysfunctional family cannot be fixed by one member alone.

Yes, a single member can initiate progress and be the leader of the change. But in order to completely become functional all members must contribute to the solution.

In other words, you will need cooperation…

So don’t be afraid of asking for it!

Approach your family member and ask to be listened.

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We sometimes feel our needs are “not that important” or we simply believe they won’t listen. But thinking like this would be like being defeated at an unfought battle.

You will be amazed by how much people listen when you voice your needs, especially if it implies showing yourself open, vulnerable and in need.

It’s not a free-for-all battle

In order to get your family to cooperate, first you must fix your individual relationships with every member of the family. Remember: Relationships are always between two people, and two people only.

No matter how complex, the quality of a multi-member relationship (like a family) will always depend on the quality of the individual relationships.

Once you have straightened the relationship with every member of the dysfunctional family you will be able to better communicate with other members and help in the betterment of their individual relationship.

And this is where we will talk about the fix itself. The one I mentioned in the introduction…

The method

1. Drop the ego

Wherever there is conflict there is ego.

You cannot fix a relationship where there is ego, because the ego will want to win. Always. Yours and the other person.

Ego craves control and satisfaction, and in many cases, to establish dominance.

What does this have to do with a dysfunctional family? Everything. Ego will interfere with every plan you have to fix it.

It will make people suborn and defensive. And it will also make them drop responsibility. This is why, the first step is to drop the ego.

After you make sure you are not going to allow your ego to interfere you must work to make the other person do the same. How? By speaking from the heart…

Tell the other person how important all this is to you.

Tell the other person that it’s not a matter of arguing, but just working things out together.

Point out how it is not possible for you to do it alone.

And ask for sincere attention without any desire of opposition, because what you are doing is by no means in the hopes of harming the other person, but just to better the relationship and stop the damage being dealt to you.

You will have to point out the mistakes you need corrected, that’s for sure. And that leads me to the next point…

2. Not blame, but responsibility

When talking about others’ mistakes we often use an accusatory tone. And that’s natural, it’s what things should be like if ego was not present.

But since we are all creatures of ego, this immediately brings the shields up. And then unsheathes the swords…

When we blame others they automatically enter a defensive state, and this only leads to a failed negotiation.

What you need to do is to shift from blame to responsibility. And even that will have to be done carefully!

Instead of telling them off or demanding change or complaining, calmly point what the problem with their behavior is.

As much as this feels contradictory, also make them feel understood. You know how difficult it is to accept a mistake, so just make them feel it’s no big fuzz… which does not mean it’s ok, but it takes tension off.

You will do something like this:

“Hello dad. Can I talk with you for a minute? I really need to tell you something.

I have been feeling pretty sad lately and I know this is something you do care about.

You see, whenever I talk about my accomplishments you mention something else that makes my achievement pale in comparison.

I know you don’t do this intentionally and I know you might have not realized this until now, but I want to let you know this really brings me down.

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It would mean a lot to me if you could stop doing it, and it would help better our relationship, because this has already forced me to distance myself from you. And I don’t want that, I want a good, healthy relationship with you”

What happened here?

We started off with making it something important, something that needs both time and attention. Then we openly show ourselves vulnerable, just as we are.

We also mention why he should listen, and shove our feelings there again, because they are important.

We describe the issue with no attachment and with no hostile intention. It’s just a description.

And then we take the blame off. Just before we assign responsibility without actually saying it.

You are not blaming him directly, but you are pointing out the inevitable fact that his actions are causing a dysfunctionality. He is now responsible for changing.

This is what “switching blame for responsibility” means. What comes next? Doing the work!

3. Doing the work

What would any of this mean if, in the end, nothing changes? Exactly, nothing!

This is why you must follow up with every change that needs to be done.

Do so in a manner that is not hostile. Bring it up in a casual manner, and emphasizing how you both reached an agreement and how that is important to the family.

If the person doesn’t follow up don’t hesitate to bring it up again, and tell them you feel disappointed that your honest try at it was not listened.

It may even be a subject in itself, and therefore the need for another conversation.

“When you go back to old habits it shows that you didn’t really care about what I said. But back in real life you just reinforce how much contempt you show towards me and my feelings.

I talk with you because I care. Because although it would be easier for me to just distance myself from you I rather do my part in nurturing this relationship.

But there is just so much I can do, if you refuse to do your part I can do nothing else.”

You need very clear and positive communication in order to make this work.

Love is all you need

You must remember that in order for a dysfunctional family to become functional, all the work needs to stem from love.

That is the single one requirement for all this to work: Love.

And what happens if it simply is not there?

What happens if, nobody is willing to do what it takes?

What happens if a member of the family refuses to change and is happy with the harm he or she is dealing?

There is only one thing you can do:

To break away.

Let’s be honest, people, especially adults, are very difficult to change.

There is a Jewish proverb that I love, which sums it up like this:

“We spend the rest of our lives trying to unlearn what we learned before we were 7”

If you find it very hard to change the very traits that make your family dysfunctional or if it’s simply impossible, you still have a card up your sleeve…

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Although nobody likes to beak away from family members, we must remember we have a responsibility with ourselves as individuals, before any relationship with anyone.

You have the responsibility of making yourself happy and free. Because you matter as an individual, regardless of any relationships you have, be it family, friendship or romantic.

Putting distance

So in case you are dealing with a family member who is simply unwilling to change take both physical and emotional distance.

What do I mean?

Learn, first, to take their damage in a detached manner.

Don’t let it hurt you further. Instead take a deep breath and distance yourself emotionally.

Don’t be attached to feelings such as “Why doesn’t she love me?” or “What did I do to deserve this?” or “If he wasn’t like that my life would be perfect”.

Simply refuse to keep participating in the emotional downward spiral and accept, even if it’s painful” that there is nothing you can do. Accept that even without that relationship you are whole, you are worthy of love and respect.

They are their responsibility and you are yours. So decide what is best for you.

Realize it only comes down to two possibilities:

I keep the relationship and therefore accept the abuse. Or…

I choose my peace of mind.

And don’t let your mind fool you. We often think that since we all are imperfect, we must take the good and the bad behaviors of people. And we are especially forgiving towards our family…

Well, guess what? We are also responsible adults who are aware and must own to their acts. Never excuse abuse or violence or transgression towards you or anybody else.

Choose your happiness and if possible, also distance yourself physically, as it will increase your peace of mind tenfold.

How to prevent it

There are two key concepts you must bear in mind in order to prevent the dysfunctionality of a family:

  • To be completely aware of one’s own mistakes and not allow them to impact others and…
  • To make sure our SO’s are also on the same channel before creating a family (i.e. having children)

Dysfunctional families are the product of irresponsible paternity, for the decades-long unresolved emotional conflict ends up surfacing in the family inevitably, and it will for sure harm those who least deserve it: Innocent children.

You may notice we went from talking about family, to talking about individual relationships, to talking about you. We went from “them” to “us” to “me”.

Why? Because in the end you have the power to fix a dysfunctional family. To correct the mistakes you have in yours and to prevent dysfunctionalities if you don’t have a family but plan to create one.

Priorities and clear thought

You may be part of a dysfunctional family, but that does not mean you are powerless or that you have to suffer the consequences.

You learned today how it’s all a matter of priorities and thinking clearly.

You learned that, if love exists, everything is possible. You learned that even when there is no love and no fix for your dysfunctional family, there are still things you can do. It’s a matter of choosing your peace, because you deserve it.

Everything will be better if you apply this knowledge. If you talk to that problematic family member. If you help them see the harm they are doing. If you make sure they do change and treat you the way you need to be treated…

If you choose yourself over that toxic family member. If you refuse to justify the harm that others can do to yourself. If you realize the most important relationship you have is with yourself.

And lastly, that you also have to be aware of your actions and be open to criticism. Because we might be unknowingly harming others. And that would be us creating a dysfunctionality. Don’t allow it to happen.

Dysfunctional families are not impossible to fix. It just takes love, cooperation and responsibility.

But if you tried and those elements are not present, just choose yourself instead.

Featured photo credit: Xavier Mouton Photographie via unsplash.com

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