Advertising
Advertising

10 Telltale Signs Your Friend is Stabbing You in the Back.

10 Telltale Signs Your Friend is Stabbing You in the Back.

How do those eggshells feel under your feet? You know, the ones you’ve been walking on to keep your new friend happy? She’s not so bad really. I know she has no other friends but she’s just misunderstood.

It makes you wonder how someone could be so misused and misunderstood by EVERYONE she comes into contact with. And yet, there is something about her that makes you uneasy.

Your gut instincts about these types of people are usually correct and They will drain you of your last drop of energy before they move on to another person.

There is a certain personality type who will stab you in the back the first chance they get. Here are some telltale signs that you have one of them on your hands.

1. They give you a compliment and you feel like you have been slapped.

You have heard these right? “Nice sweater! I didn’t know they sold such nice stuff at the Goodwill” or “Nice dress, if your legs were longer, It might look good.” There is a million and one ways one can take a compliment and serve it backhand to you. If you get upset or defend yourself, you are being mean, petty or too sensitive.

2. They are only happy with you if you let them win at everything

This type of person is so insecure that they cannot be made wrong in any way without completely blowing up. They will defend a ridiculous position in an argument to the death just to avoid being wrong.

Advertising

Any slight disagreement you have with them turns into a giant upset where they insist that you are cold heartedly trying to destroy them.

The truth is that every word spoken or every idea put forth by them is designed to get you under their control so that you can be used by them. Any means of doing this will be used including destroying your life, your relationships, your confidence and ultimately, your sanity. They can be very convincing.

3. They flirt with your husband or boyfriend.

This type of person has no ethics or morals at all. If she thought she could steal your boyfriend just for fun, she would very likely try to do so. Looking at the pasts of these types of people, you see strings of destroyed relationships and infidelities.

They feel no remorse for their destruction, in fact, they will tell you without blinking that all of these people “deserved it.”

4. Their every day talk is peppered with put downs.

This person has something nasty to say about almost everyone. If you think you are the only one escaping her scathing critiques, think again. She is saying the same things to others about you when you are not there. Lies are told to elicit sympathy or assistance and turn others away from anyone who sees the truth about them and who they perceive as a threat.

If you stand up for yourself or anyone they are destroying, you become that  threat and they bring out all the tools they can think of for your covert destruction. With alarming lies, they turn your best friends against you and can even get you fired, blacklisted or killed unless they are exposed.

Advertising

Another point about this personality type is that although they talk down anyone good, they may also defend destructive people and groups.

5. They are jealous of your other friends.

A person with this personality tries to control all of your communication for their own perceived benefit. If they feel that you are getting too attached to someone else, they see it as a threat and work directly or covertly to destroy your relationships.

Harmful lies are invented and spread without any thought of the havoc they wreak.

6. They make you feel ugly, stupid and unlovable.

Every utterance from a person like this is designed to make you feel inferior so that you can be used. If you’ve ever heard of the term, “energy vampires,” then this is what they are.  The energy vampires are convinced that they cannot create energy and must leech energy off of others for their own survival. They use whatever means of accomplishing this and it is never constructive.

One who has occasional lapses is not necessarily an energy vampire. The true energy vampires are like this all the time. They have an underlying hectic need to get the people around them under control. They are truly desperate. This person looks at you, not as a friend or someone to care for but as their own personal robot to use. Once you have fulfilled your purpose, they drop you and find a new host.

The Modus operandi is the same, put you down covertly until you have lost your confidence then use the fruits of your labor to get whatever they can for themselves while they can.

Advertising

7. They seem coldly calculating.

They may profess to love you more than anything else in the world but there is no smile behind their eyes. There is no warmth in their embrace. You feel on guard when you are with them. All of your gut feelings in these instances are more than likely correct.

8. They are extremely vengeful of perceived slights.

Remember those eggshells we talked about? Here is where you notice them the  most. I call this personality type the “suddenly angry” person. You are going along in life doing what you normally do and they are “suddenly angry” and you have no idea what happened.

They then turn this perceived slight into the biggest crime against humanity ever committed and after being harangued over and over about it, you start to believe it yourself. And you start to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with you that you could be so blind and accidentally commit such a huge transgression.

In reality you have done nothing wrong, this person has just, for some reason, decided that they must get you back under their control and the blow up is the means to do this.

Any “sin” you have ever committed in their eyes, gets entered into a mental list of your crimes and are trotted out every time they think they need to put you back under their control.

Everything bad you have ever done to them (in their eyes) is so bad it cannot possibly be corrected whereas anything bad they have done to you is nothing. You are being too sensitive or you making a big deal over nothing. They will tell you how It just goes to prove how weak and stupid you are and how superior they are, never in plain language of course but you will come away with that unmistakable idea.

Advertising

9. They take pleasure in other people’s pain.

Anyone who laughs at or Is happy when others are in pain physical pain or mental discomfort, is nutty. It is not a normal human attribute to want others to feel pain or to be upset. Quite the contrary, mentally healthy people seek to help people and eliminate their sources of pain.

There are some people who do laugh when something painful happens but this is a reaction to shock or discomfort. You can tell when someone is really taking pleasure in someone else’s pain. This is a huge red flag.

10. Your life has suddenly has gone out of control.

The entrance into your life of one of these personality types can cause untold destruction to you and everyone around you. What looks like a streak of “bad luck” nine times out of ten is the poisoning of your environment by one of these energy vampires. Normal people of good will can create energy. They use their energy and turn it into what they need in order to survive better and to help others survive better.

When your energy, attention and actions are diverted into trying consciously or unconsciously to protect or defend yourself, or to clean up the messes these personalities leave in their wake, the rest of your life suffers dramatically.  If your life was going well at one point and suddenly everything started going wrong, look it over and see who entered your life just as that devastation started to hit. If you do this and comb these lice out of your hair, your life will smooth out again.

One of the things you might be telling yourself is that this person is really a good person and has had a bad time. While the person underneath is good, the identity they have assumed is deadly. trust them at your peril. Even the most outrageous criminal has some good in them but that doesn’t mean you should let them near you or your family.

Cut the energy vampires out of your life until they decide to be an actual member of the human race and go find some better friends.

Advertising

Write me and let me know how it goes.

More by this author

Chris Ellis

Successful Author, Life Coach and Musician

Living in Fear? 14 Ways to Live Life Free of Fear and Full of Hope The Little Prince Quotes That Will Inspire You: Wit and Wisdom Explained Mastering Onstage Anxiety Can You Beat Onstage Anxiety? Travel is the Wise Man's Addiction 15 Reasons Traveling Is the Wise Man’s Addiction Be Lucky! 15 Ways to Create Your Own Luck

Trending in Communication

1 Is Living Together Before Marriage Good or Bad? 2 How To Improve Listening Skills For Effective Workplace Communication 3 11 Facts About Volunteering That Will Surely Impress You 4 I Hate My Wife – Why a Husband Would Resent His Spouse 5 How To Spot Fake People (And Ways To Deal With Them)

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Published on May 18, 2021

How To Improve Listening Skills For Effective Workplace Communication

How To Improve Listening Skills For Effective Workplace Communication

We have two ears and one mouth for a reason—effective communication is dependent on using them in proportion, and this involves having good listening skills.

The workplace of the 21st century may not look the same as it did before COVID-19 spread throughout the world like wildfire, but that doesn’t mean you can relax your standards at work. If anything, Zoom meetings, conference calls, and the continuous time spent behind a screen have created a higher level of expectations for meeting etiquette and communication. And this goes further than simply muting your microphone during a meeting.

Effective workplace communication has been a topic of discussion for decades, yet, it is rarely addressed or implemented due to a lack of awareness and personal ownership by all parties.

Effective communication isn’t just about speaking clearly or finding the appropriate choice of words. It starts with intentional listening and being present. Here’s how to improve your listening skills for effective workplace communication.

Listen to Understand, Not to Speak

There are stark differences between listening and hearing. Listening involves intention, focused effort, and concentration, whereas hearing simply involves low-level awareness that someone else is speaking. Listening is a voluntary activity that allows one to be present and in the moment while hearing is passive and effortless.[1]

Which one would you prefer your colleagues to implement during your company-wide presentation? It’s a no-brainer.

Advertising

Listening can be one of the most powerful tools in your communication arsenal because one must listen to understand the message being told to them. As a result of this deeper understanding, communication can be streamlined because there is a higher level of comprehension that will facilitate practical follow-up questions, conversations, and problem-solving. And just because you heard something doesn’t mean you actually understood it.

We take this for granted daily, but that doesn’t mean we can use that as an excuse.

Your brain is constantly scanning your environment for threats, opportunities, and situations to advance your ability to promote your survival. And yet, while we are long past the days of worrying about being eaten by wildlife, the neurocircuitry responsible for these mechanisms is still hard-wired into our psychology and neural processing.

A classic example of this is the formation of memories. Case in point: where were you on June 3rd, 2014? For most of you reading this article, your mind will go completely blank, which isn’t necessarily bad.

The brain is far too efficient to retain every detail about every event that happens in your life, mainly because many events that occur aren’t always that important. The brain doesn’t—and shouldn’t—care what you ate for lunch three weeks ago or what color shirt you wore golfing last month. But for those of you who remember where you were on June 3rd, 2014, this date probably holds some sort of significance to you. Maybe it was a birthday or an anniversary. Perhaps it was the day your child was born. It could have even been a day where you lost someone special in your life.

Regardless of the circumstance, the brain is highly stimulated through emotion and engagement, which is why memories are usually stored in these situations. When the brain’s emotional centers become activated, the brain is far more likely to remember an event.[2] And this is also true when intention and focus are applied to listening to a conversation.

Advertising

Utilizing these hard-wired primitive pathways of survival to optimize your communication in the workplace is a no-brainer—literally and figuratively.

Intentional focus and concentrated efforts will pay off in the long run because you will retain more information and have an easier time recalling it down the road, making you look like a superstar in front of your colleagues and co-workers. Time to kiss those note-taking days away!

Effective Communication Isn’t Always Through Words

While we typically associate communication with words and verbal affirmations, communication can come in all shapes and forms. In the Zoom meeting era we live in, it has become far more challenging to utilize and understand these other forms of language. And this is because they are typically easier to see when we are sitting face to face with the person we speak to.[3]

Body language can play a significant role in how our words and communication are interpreted, especially when there is a disconnection involved.[4] When someone tells you one thing, yet their body language screams something completely different, it’s challenging to let that go. Our brain immediately starts to search for more information and inevitably prompts us to follow up with questions that will provide greater clarity to the situation at hand. And in all reality, not saying something might be just as important as actually saying something.

These commonly overlooked non-verbal communication choices can provide a plethora of information about the intentions, emotions, and motivations. We do this unconsciously, and it happens with every confrontation, conversation, and interaction we engage in. The magic lies in the utilization and active interpretation of these signals to improve your listening skills and your communication skills.

Our brains were designed for interpreting our world, which is why we are so good at recognizing subtle nuances and underlying disconnect within our casual encounters. So, when we begin to notice conflicting messages between verbal and non-verbal communication, our brain takes us down a path of troubleshooting.

Advertising

Which messages are consistent with this theme over time? Which statements aren’t aligning with what they’re really trying to tell me? How should I interpret their words and body language?

Suppose we want to break things down even further. In that case, one must understand that body language is usually a subconscious event, meaning that we rarely think about our body language. This happens because our brain’s primary focus is to string together words and phrases for verbal communication, which usually requires a higher level of processing. This doesn’t mean that body language will always tell the truth, but it does provide clues to help us weigh information, which can be pretty beneficial in the long run.

Actively interpreting body language can provide you with an edge in your communication skills. It can also be used as a tool to connect with the individual you are speaking to. This process is deeply ingrained into our human fabric and utilizes similar methods babies use while learning new skills from their parents’ traits during the early years of development.

Mirroring a person’s posture or stance can create a subtle bond, facilitating a sense of feeling like one another. This process is triggered via the activation of specific brain regions through the stimulation of specialized neurons called mirror neurons.[5] These particular neurons become activated while watching an individual engage in an activity or task, facilitating learning, queuing, and understanding. They also allow the person watching an action to become more efficient at physically executing the action, creating changes in the brain, and altering the overall structure of the brain to enhance output for that chosen activity.

Listening with intention can make you understand your colleague, and when paired together with mirroring body language, you can make your colleague feel like you two are alike. This simple trick can facilitate a greater bond of understanding and communication within all aspects of the conversation.

Eliminate All Distractions, Once and for All

As Jim Rohn says, “What is easy to do is also easy not to do.” And this is an underlying principle that will carry through in all aspects of communication. Distractions are a surefire way to ensure a lack of understanding or interpretation of a conversation, which in turn, will create inefficiencies and a poor foundation for communication.

Advertising

This should come as no surprise, especially in this day in age where people are constantly distracted by social media, text messaging, and endlessly checking their emails. We’re stuck in a cultural norm that has hijacked our love for the addictive dopamine rush and altered our ability to truly focus our efforts on the task at hand. And these distractions aren’t just distractions for the time they’re being used. They use up coveted brainpower and central processes that secondarily delay our ability to get back on track.

Gloria Mark, a researcher at UC Irvine, discovered that it takes an average of 23 minutes and 15 seconds for our brains to reach their peak state of focus after an interruption.[6] Yes, you read that correctly—distractions are costly, error-prone, and yield little to no benefit outside of a bump to the ego when receiving a new like on your social media profile.

Meetings should implement a no-phone policy, video conference calls should be set on their own browser with no other tabs open, and all updates, notifications, and email prompt should be immediately turned off, if possible, to eliminate all distractions during a meeting.

These are just a few examples of how we can optimize our environment to facilitate the highest levels of communication within the workplace.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Effective communication in the workplace doesn’t have to be challenging, but it does have to be intentional. Knowledge can only take us so far, but once again, knowing something is very different than putting it into action.

Just like riding a bike, the more often you do it, the easier it becomes. Master communicators are phenomenal listeners, which allows them to be effective communicators in the workplace and in life. If you genuinely want to own your communication, you must implement this information today and learn how to improve your listening skills.

Advertising

Choose your words carefully, listen intently, and most of all, be present in the moment—because that’s what master communicators do, and you can do it, too!

More Tips Improving Listening Skills

Featured photo credit: Mailchimp via unsplash.com

Reference

Read Next