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How Not to Finish Last as a Nice Guy

How Not to Finish Last as a Nice Guy

We have all heard the cliche: Nice guys finish last. The idea behind the saying is that good deeds go unnoticed and you have to be selfish to succeed. After all, there are two kinds of people: a nice person and a selfish person.

A nice person is kind and selfless. They are givers who are willing to help others and don’t mind helping without giving something in return. But a selfish person is a taker. They only think of themselves and aim to get more through doing less.

While a selfish person seems to be the one more people hate, “nice guys finish last” is still a common belief. So can nice guys actually finish first?

Nice Guys vs. Selfish Guys

    You can find a nice person and a selfish person everywhere; they’re at work, among your friends, and in different relationships.

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    Think about it, at work you definitely have that one guy/girl who seems to always get recognition from the boss, and maybe even a raise, despite the action they are being rewarded for having been a group effort. While a nice guy would share the recognition with his team, the bad guy would justify that he deserves the praise.

    Likewise, you have probably had a friend at some point in time that seemed to always cancel plans you made in order to do something they deemed to be a better opportunity. Meanwhile, they expected you to drop your plans for them. Or, perhaps your friend who gets a lot of dates is constantly standing them up in exchange for a different, better choice. He/she winds up with an amazing partner, not knowing they are simply the best option at the moment. Meanwhile, you may be single because you’ve had to cancel dates to hang out with your friend.

    Nice people make others happy but exhaust themselves.

    Nice people typically always have big hearts. Because of this, it’s in their nature to try to help others by trusting them and working as a team. In their eyes, this teamwork can help the group achieve more. Because of their interactions with people, they tend to get help and support from those people when they need it.

      Unfortunately, working with others and always trying to make someone else feel good can often lead to exhaustion. It can also make it hard to keep up with which compliments you’ve given people and which you haven’t. This can lead to some people feeling unappreciated. In turn, you feel like you’ve let someone down, and that can really weigh on your self esteem. Because people see the way they impact you, it can lead to them taking advantage later on.

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        Selfish people make themselves happy but ignore others.

        Selfish people are assertive because they know what they want. If you’re a selfish person, then often times you are willing to break the rules to win. You aren’t afraid to let others know what they’ve achieved, and while this can sometimes seem self-absorbed, it can also help remind people that you are an asset. You’ve also learned not to worry too much about what other people think. This confidence can provide a leg up on the competition.

          Success and intimidation don’t usually win a lot of friends, so if you’re selfish, you may not be well liked by many people. Along with being self-centered, you can’t always do all the work on your own; you’re bound to fall behind on occasion.

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            How to succeed as a nice guy?

            Ideally, you compromise. See, the above list of pros and cons outlines something very clearly: everyone has good aspects and bad aspects when it comes to personality and character. So it stands to reason putting those two character traits together would make a more ideal individual.

            Be nice, but also a little bit selfish.

              When nice people go to extremes, others can take advantage of them and nice people will still keep giving because it’s their nature to help. This is when others can mistake kindness for weakness. And let’s face it, life is survival of the fittest. But kindness can achieve great things when people learn when to be selfish and when to give.

              In the short term, being a selfish person has benefits but eventually poisons the well since others become bad around them. In the long term, being a nice person pays off big, though you risk exhausting yourself helping others.

              Achieve the best version of yourself

              Determine what you want to achieve the most. If you’re willing to really fight for that thing, then you should probably focus your attention there. For example, maybe you’re not a giver when it comes to creating a charity event, but maybe you’re a lot more willing to give in order to make a restaurant succeed. Great! You can be selfish about that cause while also recruiting a team of equally like-minded people to help.

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              Next, you have to build trust. Even if you know one hundred people who would want to help make a restaurant succeed, no one will want to help you if they don’t like you. In this case, you may need to be a little selfless and help others in order for them to see that you are worth helping, too. Besides, a support system is necessary. It will be good to have those people on your side in the future for other tasks you may come across.

              Stay humble when you need to, and promote your hard work when it’s called for. And if you’re working with a team, ensure you are promoting good behavior, and not negative, overly-selfish behavior.

              If you follow these tips, it’s possible to be a nice guy who can still finish first. Hard work and determination can get you far, but knowing when to be selfish and when to rely on others can get your farther. It’s not about using people, but learning when teamwork is the best choice for your success, and ultimately the success of those around you.

              You don’t have to be a “bad guy” or compromise your beliefs. You just have to compromise and continue to learn.

              More by this author

              Anna Chui

              Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the Content Strategist of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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              Last Updated on July 10, 2020

              How to Live Your Best Life Starting Today

              How to Live Your Best Life Starting Today

              As human beings, one of our deepest-rooted desires is to have a meaningful and happy existence. You’ve probably heard of the saying, “Live your best life.” It’s good advice.

              We all want to feel connected to both ourselves and others. We want to feel that we’re part of something important and that we’re making a difference in the world.

              We want to look back at our lives and our achievements and be proud. In short, we want what the saying says: to live our best lives.

              But what does it really mean to live your best life?

              You are a unique individual, so living your best life is exclusive to you. Your best life will reflect your true values. It will be made up of what makes you happy and will be colored by what making a difference means to you.

              What Stops You From Living Your Best Life?

              While living your best life is all about you, what other people think can have an impact on your quest to live your best life.

              Social media, for example, puts us under a lot of pressure. There are specific expectations of what “happy” looks like, and we’re under pressure to conform to what society expects.

              For example, we are pressured to look a certain way, wear the “right” clothes, have exciting adventures with eye-catching friends, eat ethical and healthy food, and do charity work.

              These are only a few of society’s expectations. It’s a long list.

              Social media claims to connect us, but often it can do the opposite.

              We can spend so much time worrying about what other people are doing, trying to live the life that society expects of us, that it can be easy to lose track of what makes us happy and what our best life actually looks like.

              Start the Journey

              What does it look like to live your best life? The following are some practical tips and tools to move from living your current life to living your best life.

              1. Be the Best Version of Yourself

              To live your best life, you must be the best version of yourself. Don’t try to be something or someone else. Don’t try to be what other people want you to be.

              Focus on who you want to be. Play to your strengths and be proud of what makes you different. You are brilliant.

              Gretchen Rubin, in her book Happiness Project, created her own commandments. The first one was “Be Gretchen.” This gave her permission to follow her gut feeling and make up her own rules.

              For example, she stopped forcing herself to enjoy parties, cocktails, and fashion just because that’s what she thought society expected.

              So, inspired by Gretchen, create your own commandment: “Be more YOU,” and remind yourself of this every day, unapologetically.

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              2. Observe Yourself

              To work out what the best you looks like, you must get to know yourself better. It’s your best life after all – not anyone else’s.

              Start to notice how you respond to various situations. What are your habits? What makes you happy? What frustrates you? How do you behave under pressure? What gives you energy? What drains you?

              Spend a week simply noticing. Write your observations down so you remember.

              3. Identify Your Bad Habits

              As part of your observations, start to notice your bad habits. Consider the things that don’t ultimately make you feel good.

              Does scrolling mindlessly through Instagram make you happy? For 5 minutes, perhaps, but for longer?

              That last glass of wine was delicious, but do you pay the price later?

              That chocolate was enjoyable at the moment, but now that the sugar high is over, are you feeling regretful?

              Observe yourself first. Then, start to deliberately do more of the things that make you happy and give you energy.

              At the same time, work on reducing then eliminating the habits that squander your time, drain your energy, and ultimately don’t make you happy.

              Need help conquering your bad habits? Read How to Break Bad Habits Once and For All.

              4. Set Intentions

              After having thought about what makes you happy and what drains your energy, focus on what living the best life looks like for you.

              One of the keys to this is being intentional about it. When you deliberately set intentions, you are more likely to act with purpose and drive.

              Setting intentions is different from setting goals. Goals are your list of things you want to achieve. You can set them daily, monthly, yearly, or a combination.

              A common practice is to define goals and write them down. This makes them more tangible and makes you more accountable, therefore, making the goals more likely to happen.

              The subtle yet important difference between goals and intentions is that when setting intentions, you decide what kind of positive feelings and emotions you are seeking.

              For example, “This week, my intention is to approach my admin tasks with gusto in order to complete them more quickly.”

              Intentions can be more motivating than goals because if you don’t achieve your goal, it can feel like a failure and can ultimately hold you back.

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              If you don’t achieve your intention to approach something in a specific way, you can more easily regroup and have another try.

              Write down your intentions every month, week, or day, using whichever time frame works best for you.

              For example, “I intend to enjoy going swimming three times this week” or “I intend to assertively build my network in my local area this month.”

              Setting intentions gives you something to focus on, and it also helps to manage the feeling of being overwhelmed that often happens when we set ourselves goals.

              5. Visualize Living Your Best Life

              Visualization can help you to cement your intentions. It involves visualizing how it would feel to live your best life once you achieve it.

              It can help you to further establish what you want and allow you to settle into a positive mindset.

              To visualize, first choose your focus. Choose a specific intention and how you will feel once it is accomplished. Then, take the time to daydream and allow your imagination to wander.

              For example, if your intention is going swimming three times a week, imagine what you will look and feel like:

              • What will you wear?
              • How do you get there?
              • What time of day do you go?
              • How do you feel when you’re in the water?
              • How do you feel afterward?

              Ask yourself these little questions and allow yourself to feel the same feelings you would feel if you were currently fulfilling your intention.

              10 Ways to Live Your Best Life

              Now that you’ve decided and visualized what your best life looks like, let’s look at some more practical steps you can take to achieve it.

              1. Focus

              Whatever you do, focus. If you swim, swim. If you study, study. Multitasking is a myth. It’s not possible to do more than one thing at a time well. Focused work is the least tiresome and the most productive type of work.

              Michael LeBouf, the author of The Millionaire in You, said,

              “Winners focus, losers spray.”

              2. Take Responsibility for Taking Action

              Taking action can feel scary. We fear failure, but we can also fear success. It can be easy to feel too busy to achieve your intentions.

              However, you have the choice to take action and live your best life or stay the same. It’s up to you, so take responsibility to take action.

              3. Live in the Present

              Every day is a new opportunity to live your best life. We so often get stuck because we put things off.

              We can think, “When I’ve lost 10 lbs I’ll go swimming,” or “When I feel more confident I’ll look for a new job,” or “When I get my new running shoes I’ll start running.”

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              How about starting from where you are? How about using what you already have?

              We often put off taking action until we have the newest phone/camera/game/course/book/shoes as if they are the keys to happiness. In the process, we forget about what we already have.

              Grab the camera that you have, put on your old running shoes. Go and do something interesting today with what you’ve got. Fancier gadgets, better clothes, or a slimmer body won’t make you better.

              Action will.

              4. Declutter

              This applies to the environment you live in as well as the people you spend time with. Use Marie Kondo’s decluttering method of asking, “Does it bring you joy?”[1]

              If your answer is yes, you keep the item. If you hesitate or say no, you donate it or throw it out. Simple.

              This also applies to people. If there are people in your life that make you feel bad, drain your energy, and don’t bring you joy, let go of them.

              Instead, spend time with the people and activities that give you energy and make you feel good.

              5. Relish the Simple Things

              When we’re busy, we can forget to appreciate what we have. Take time to focus on the simple things. Even when you’re feeling low, there’s always something to be grateful for.

              In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.[2] Be deliberate in being grateful for what you do have, rather than resentful of what you don’t.

              6. Journaling

              Journaling

              is simply writing your thoughts down.

              According to the University of Rochester Medical Center, writing your thoughts and feelings down on paper not only helps you get your thoughts in order, but it can also help ease symptoms of depression and manage stress and anxiety.[3]

              In the chaos of life, it is easy to overthink, feel anxious, or not appreciate what you do have. Journaling can help you manage your thoughts and feelings and productively cope with life.

              Be curious and keep learning. Ask more questions and keep pushing yourself to step outside of your comfort zone and learn.

              What are you interested in or curious about? Perhaps it’s learning more about where you live, or reading up on a particular topic? Maybe it’s traveling to a new town or country?

              According to Dan Pink’s research, learning is a key motivator.[4] Whether you feel like you’ve gotten stuck in a boring routine or you’re stressed by the tasks of daily life, learning something new is a way to step outside yourself and your comfort zone.

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              Create a bucket list of all the things you’d like to do and learn and the places you’d like to go to, and start ticking them off.

              7. Make Someone’s Day

              Being kind to others makes them feel good, and it also releases chemicals in your body that make you feel good. Think about a time you gave someone a gift that they loved. How did you feel?

              You don’t have to start giving people gifts to make someone’s day. Think about small, thoughtful gestures: a genuine compliment, opening the door, offering to help someone.

              All these things can make a big difference in someone’s day.

              8. Look After Your Body

              Eat what nourishes you, including plenty of vegetables and fruit and food that’s natural and unprocessed. Drink plenty of water.

              Exercise because you like it, not because you’re supposed to go to the gym.

              Reject the idea that you have to push yourself really hard at exercise, and instead try out a variety of things – for example, walking the dog, gardening, yoga, swimming, or dancing.

              Find what you enjoy. When you enjoy something, you’ll be motivated to do it more.

              Get good rest! We’re all different in terms of the amount of sleep that we need. However, most adults need between 7 and 9 hours of sleep.

              If you’re not getting that much, then check out healthy sleep tips from the Sleep Foundation.[5]

              More tips for staying healthy: Powerful Daily Routine Examples for a Healthy and High-Achieving You.

              9. Manage Your Inner Critic

              Most people have an inner critic that tells them they are not good enough, that they’re a fraud, and that they are going to be found out.

              This happens especially when we step out of our comfort zone and change things. If you are living your best life, your inner critic likes to jeopardize that.

              The next time it appears, acknowledge what’s happening and call it out. Whatever it is telling you, list all the reasons it’s wrong.

              10. Be Prepared to Change the Plan

              You may have set intentions to live your best life. However, life is not linear, nor does it work in lists. You must expect to be flexible and change the plan as life throws things at you.

              The end game remains the same: to live your best life. It’s just the route to get there that will inevitably change.

              Conclusion

              Live each day like it counts, and remember, it’s your choice. Your best life is unique to you. Don’t compare yourself to others – focus on living your best life, and enjoy the learning, exploration, and experiences along the way.

              More Tips on How You Can Live Your Best Life

              Featured photo credit: Juliana Malta via unsplash.com

              Reference

              [1] Kon Mari: Tidy your space, transform your life
              [2] Harvard Health Publishing: In Praise of Gratitude
              [3] University of Rochester Medical Center: Journaling for Mental Health
              [4] Daniel H. Pink: Dan Pink on Motivation
              [5] Sleep Foundation: Healthy Sleep Tips

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