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What Is A Serial Dater And Why Can’t They Stand Loneliness?

What Is A Serial Dater And Why Can’t They Stand Loneliness?

A relationship between compatible people can undoubtedly be a source of great and lasting happiness for both partners. Usually a lonely place in which friends and even lovers are consistently lost and replaced, life is made better by a stable, healthy relationship.

However, that rarely happens.

Even marriages, supposedly stable relationships by definition, are being wrecked by high levels of divorce.[1] According to the CDC, if 6.9 people out of 1000 got married in the 2000-2014 period, 3.2 filed for divorce. Almost half of the people who vowed eternal love and support for one another could not bring themselves to stay together.

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The modern dating environment has encouraged more serial daters.

As a result, speed and online dating have reached record levels of popularity, with online and mobile sites and applications making meeting people easier than ever. With such a great “offer” and a corresponding “demand”, the modern dating environment has spawned its ultimate user and beneficiary – the serial dater.

The serial dater is a very recent breed. Natural expert of the dating sites and applications such as Tinder or PlentyofFish, the speed dater will come home from a date and login into their account without a second thought. This is not because he is looking for true love, but because of deeper psychological motivations.

In actuality, speed daters are not superficial or even morally loose individuals. They make a conscious bid on bachelor life and all its benefits while keeping a foot in the door of romantic engagement. It is their way of trying to keep best of both worlds. If successful for them, this way of living leaves a trail of heartbroken and disappointed lovers behind ever serial dater.

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“The greatest downfall of a serial dater is his or her ongoing anxiety about commitment. Quite often, serial daters are jaded and don’t have confidence in everlasting love, so they fill their time with momentary men or women who will fill the void of a long-term relationship”.

Humanity’s understanding of love, supposedly a pure and natural feeling, has changed throughout time. However, it is the modern world and its pervasive high-speed nature that has penetrated even the innermost corners of ourselves, changing our romantic expectations and wants. Serial daters may think they have cracked the code and beat the system, but that only leaves the rest of us struggling to make do and hoping to not get hurt too badly.

There are actually two types of serial daters.

The first type of serial dater is the Pragmatic.

He or she knows that the excitement of a new relationship makes you feel empowered and on top of the world.[2] As a result, they are constantly looking for that feeling in every new and short-lived relationship while maintaining their overall preference for single life. The Pragmatic has all but given up true love, being satisfied by these extreme but fleeting moments of joy.

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The second type of serial dater is the Semi-Romantic.

People who fit in this category truly believe in the existence of true love and soul mates and do not see anything wrong with engaging in the dating game. Instead, they view the modern dating market as an opportunity to “play the numbers”. The more people they meet and date, the better changes they have of meeting The One.

A serial dater avoids any serious connections at all costs.

The serial dater is a social being by excellence. The center of the group or party, he or she will make an immediate impression on the opposite gender. As a result, the serial dater will always have at all times at least one person with whom to flirt.

If you are that person, a tell-tale sign is the fact that you are not included in his or her life. You may see each other for a few hours every couple of days, time in which you will feel as the center of the world, but the fact is that you aren’t allowed deeper access into their lives.

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Serial daters strictly avoid getting to know you or you getting to know them. This way they can stay emotionally disconnected from their timely partners and can quickly switch from one lover to another. Serious talks about your relationship are also something to avoid at all costs for speed daters. Instead, once out of the “honeymoon” phase of the relationship, they value social approval, sex or material gains more than feelings.

If you realize that you’re dating a serial dater, please walk away from them.

Once you realize that you have picked out a serial dater out of the perpetually overcrowded dating market, the most obvious action would be to gradually distance yourself from him or her.

Serial daters can go to great lengths just for a new romantic conquest but once the battle is fought and castle conquered, their interest quickly fades away. However, strong relationships are defined by constant strains from both partners toward making it work. If your partner shows no sign of such a behavior, he or she might not be the one.

If you meet and recognize a speed dater, resist the impulse to engage with him or her. Nod and laugh but move on. Just as life is too short for serial daters to commit to a potentially disappointing sincere relationship, it can also be too short for others to share in their seemingly fickle romantic life.

Reference

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Saminu Abass

Content Writer and Blogger

Don’t Let Social Media Control Your Body and Mind. It’s Killing Your Productivity. To Live a Much More Fulfilling Life, Aim at Self Actualization What Is A Serial Dater And Why Can’t They Stand Loneliness? Will Your Own Business Be a Huge Success? These 8 Predictors Can Tell the Answer Don’t Be Fooled by Social Media. Most People Feel Lonely Too.

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Published on November 28, 2018

How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

How to Do Meditation at Home to Calm Your Anxious Mind

The woman in yoga pants sitting in a lotus position atop a rocky cliff, overlooking a valley draped in fog — this is the glamorized version of meditation you’ll come across as you search. Yet if you’re seeking meditation to calm your mind, a fantastic setting with no distractions is rarely available.

So how to do meditation?

The truth about meditation is it’s an everyday practice for anybody. You could be a mountain climber or you could be an accountant — either way, your home is just as good a place for meditation as any.

Are you seeking to corral your racing thoughts and relieve a sense of unease, awkwardness, or uncertainty? Look to home meditation to cultivate a laid-back, creative, confident, and organized frame of mind. According to extensive scientific research, meditation relieves stress and anxiety, decreases blood pressure, improves sleep, and improves your ability to pay attention. [1]

From start to finish, this article will give you quick, easy steps to follow so that you can meditate at home regularly. You’ll begin by assessing, identifying and altering things that need to change in your home environment. You’ll end by understanding the basics of meditation so that you can let yourself do what you already know how to do deep down in the hidden reality of your mind.

You’re ready to let your mind be, and just be, in your own home — let’s begin.

1. Find the Right Space in Your Home

Where is your right space for meditation at home? Is it in your basement, your bedroom, your living room, or your study?

The right space will be one with the least distractions built in to its purpose. In that case, it may be your bedroom. If you’ve set up your bedroom to be a place for sleep and only sleep, it will lend itself well to meditation.

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The right space will also be a reasonably spacious one. Although comfort is not your goal, you need room to sit. Choose a space that is private, spacious, and quiet. If you don’t have a space in your home like this, create one. Free it from clutter and get it ready for you to meditate there any time.

Ultimately, your right space is one you feel comfortable meditating in, the space you can enter with no other expectations.

2. Improve the Feng Shui in Your Home and Meditation Space

Feng shui means “wind and water.” It’s the ancient Chinese art of placement.[2]

Feng shui improves harmony with nature. Adherents to the principles of feng shui believe all things have energy (chi). The focus of feng shui is to send negative chi (sha) out of the space and attract positive chi (yun).

Here’s the truth about feng shui: it’s not complicated or hard. The following will influence feng shui positively in your home and meditation space:

  • Living things, such as plants
  • Beautiful objects, such as sculptures or even a well-polished piece of driftwood
  • Mirrors in symmetrical placement with the lines in a room
  • Mellifluous sounds, such as trickling water or wind chimes
  • Furniture away from walls
  • A centerpiece, such as a small table with books or an ornate lamp on it
  • Incense or something else that smells good
  • A lack of clutter and an attention to organization that emphasizes the usefulness, purpose, and essential being of each item in your house

Given that feng shui is connected to Taoism and Buddhism, it will complement the meditative atmosphere you want to cultivate in your home.

3. Eliminate Pervasive Distractions That Can Harm Your Wellbeing

In part, meditation is about accepting the existence of distractions. When you meditate, you don’t judge and assign a positive or a negative value to distractions — the ticking of a clock, an itch, the barking of a dog — you let them occur and let them dissipate like waves.

However, in the same way that feng shui removes objects that attract negative chi, there are certain types of distractions that don’t belong in your meditative space. You must remove them.

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In a survey of 1,700 people who visited social media sites at least 30 times per week, 30 percent reported high levels of sleep disturbance and 25 percent presented symptoms of depression. [3]

Those individuals who experience sleep disturbances or mental health issues due to social media are not setting boundaries between themselves and their connected devices.

Part of learning how to meditate at home is learning how and when to set boundaries between yourself and your connected devices and social media accounts. If you need your phone for a timed meditation practice, but you normally receive social media notifications on your phone, set it on Do Not Disturb or Airplane mode during your meditation time.

4. Flow into Meditation Through Time

Next, set aside a time for meditation each day. It’s right to be structured and disciplined about your meditation time.

Buddhist monks whose lives revolve around meditation are very structured and organized with their tasks each day. Structure provides the balance your being needs. Once you are meditating, your mind has no need for time. Outside of your given meditation time, you are completing tasks essential to the wellbeing of yourself and your home.

Consider meditating as the sun rises. This is a quiet and contemplative time of the day when it is natural to set your day’s balance through meditation.

5. Recognize the Rightness of Doing Nothing

At home, you’re probably used to always doing something. When you do meditation at home, you are being, which is doing something and nothing simultaneously.

Maryville University points out that successful people unplug by doing nothing. [4] Not only this, but they set the right expectations for the time during which they will do nothing.

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We oftentimes look forward to the future by expecting something to happen and by expecting something of ourselves. To meditate from home, look to that time and that space by expecting nothing. You will not do any chores. You will not catch up on work. You will do nothing but meditate for a certain amount of time each day.

This might sound crazy, but in taking on meditation from home, you’re not expecting yourself to improve and become a better person. As Ram Dass put it, you are expecting yourself to be here now.

6. Choose from the Incredible Variety of Meditative Practices

As I outlined in my post on types of meditation, there are many different and not-so-different types of meditation from which to choose.

Many beginners find it right to choose guided meditation, for which there are apps, videos, and audio tapes available.

If you are not necessarily a beginner but are merely moving your meditative practice into the home, you can facilitate a practice such as Nada Yoga — sound meditation — by placing a fountain in your space or listening to ambient alpha wave music.

If you’re used to meditating outside of your home — perhaps you are drawn to the outdoors because of the sounds of nature — a practice like Nada Yoga can help you transition into your home space.

7. Understand You Can Meditate Any Time at Home

What if I told you to throw out all of the tips that came before this? Sounds crazy but that is how radical mindfulness meditation really is. We don’t think of it as radical because it is now ingrained in our popular discourse.

Mindfulness meditation does start as a sitting meditation practice. It goes like this:

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  1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
  2. Focus on breathing. Inhale through your nose slowly and exhale slowly.
  3. As distracting thoughts arise, don’t judge them and don’t hang onto them. Let each thought go as you focus on breathing.
  4. Treat all physical sensations and feelings in the same way you do thoughts: register them, then let them go, returning to breathing.
  5. Extend this practice to everyday activity, remaining “in the moment” of the body’s activity with each new breath.

As you practice mindfulness around your home, note the physical characteristics of the things in themselves. Note physical sensations: sounds, smells, textures, appearances, tastes. Stop now and then and do a body scan from head to toe, noting what each section is doing and how it’s feeling.

Note thoughts that come and the emotions attached to them: let them go. Concentrate on the breath and the physical activities — including the details of the objects with which you’re interacting.

You’ll notice that your home will lend itself to a meditative state when things are in order. This is where true feng shui originates. You will naturally sense how the arrangement of things affects the energy in a room.

Clutter will disappear because mindfulness tells you to dispose of unnecessary things. Plants will bloom. Birds will make their nests in your backyard. Your home will smell pleasing and people will naturally be attracted to it and your presence.

You’ve Reached the Beginning and the End

Once you are able to do mindfulness meditation even as you are attending to the normal and abnormal requirements of your home, the mundane and the unusual, you are at both the beginning and the end.

You are at the beginning because meditation never ends. Continue setting aside time each day to do sitting meditation in the space you’ve set aside. Continue practicing mindfulness as you attend to the energy of your house, your own energy, and the energy of those around you.

You are at the end because you grasped what it means to do meditation at home: it means letting go of cares and concerns and being in your home as you attend to the right tasks. The right tasks are those necessary for being in your home.

As you sit in your home, rise, open the door and you leave, you are calm in your mind because you are home.

Featured photo credit: Simon Rae via unsplash.com

Reference

[1]Healthline: 12 Science-Based Benefits of Meditation
[2]Marquette University: Feng Shui: The Wind and Water
[3]Rutgers University: Social Media and Well-Being
[4]Maryville University: How Successful People Unplug

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