Advertising
Advertising

20 Reasons Why You Still Want Him/Her

20 Reasons Why You Still Want Him/Her

We have probably all been through this …seems like it is just part of life: the relationship breakup! You can’t get him out of your head even though the physical and verbal “goodbyes” were said. You hold onto all of the beautiful parts of your past partner even though you know it’s over. Why the inner struggle? Because it’s probably pretty fresh and whether you were the one to conclude the relationship or not, there are heartfelt, good memories and feelings which still remain.

Or perhaps you weren’t even in a relationship, but you dated a super girl who you just can’t get your mind off. Maybe she is just part of your fantasy or maybe you felt the bonding “glue” but she didn’t. Nonetheless, your mind replays those parts of her look, feel, words, touch, smell or her charisma as if she were the ONLY one for you.

Or even better, maybe you are currently in a fantastic relationship and thoughts of him/her seem to always come to the forefront. Whether you are in romantic love, lust, or deep attachment, your mind is fixated on this individual and all of the good reasons why you want to remain and nurture your relationship.

The BIG question: Why do you linger on thoughts of wanting him? Why do thoughts of her keep popping into your head when you least expect it? Those “I still want him/her” thoughts are there to remind you of memories you created together and shared, to help you to resolve emotional challenges you must work through, or often to fill a place (in your heart) of what you desire, love and behold.

While there may be plenty of personal reasons, unique to your own situation, here are the Top 20 which seem to hit at the heart and soul of why most of us still want him/her:

Advertising

1. She totally understands you.

She knows your moods, your likes/dislikes, values and idiosyncrasies. While she may not LOVE them all, she understands them and will accept all of them as part of who you are.

2. He makes you laugh until you cry.

He has a certain way about his laughter. You connect with his humorous side no matter how weird or silly it could be at times. He uses humor to diffuse a potentially awkward situation, to lighten your spirits or to just watch you laugh and enjoy the moment. He can bring you to a serious belly laugh in minutes, which eventually leads to wonderfully happy tears!

3. We have great intimacy together.

Ah yes….the intimacy part. Yes, you both have THAT! The sex is not only super great 95% of the time, but you feel so closely connected that its not just a physical act, but feels like a true commitment of your souls intertwining.

4. She is kind, caring and always willing to give of herself to others.

Well, there are many kind people in the world, but she gives unconditionally. She gives not to “get” nor to “receive” but because it is truly part of her nature to show compassion and kindness. She has an uncanny ability to detect when others are in need, much beyond their physical appearance or spoken words.

5. He keeps you grounded when your life seems disheveled.

Oh heck…life can get so crazy sometimes, but he has a way of soothing you and helping you to get back to your more grounded self. He senses when you are out of balance, stressed and can gently guide you back to calm. The best part is, he does this so naturally and it helps you to settle back into your “calmer” self.

Advertising

6. We have similar values for family, life, happiness, and purpose.

We gel in those ways: values, family life, and purpose. We may have differing opinions on many subjects, but when it comes to the “foundation”, we are the cement.

7. She inspires you to grow, expand and be a better person/soul.

Sometimes you just get stuck. But she is always  your mentor and helps you to understand the reasons why. She knows that you can only grow by learning and expanding yourself. She reminds you that to be your best self, you need to grow, change, improve and be flexible.

8. He is someone you can count on. He always has your back.

When times seems most challenging, he is there for you. He won’t always try to fix things, but will offer his ideas on possible solutions which truly come from a place of experience and heart. If you need him in times of sadness, challenge, grief, or frustration, he will be his best soldier and cover you.

9. Her smile says it all.

Her smile: not phony but authentic. Her glowing smile shows most when you are doing something way too crazy (and she calls you out), when she knows you are having an unbelievably good time (and she chimes in on your happiness), when she secretly notices your heart is melting for some kind reason (and her heart melts too), when she hasn’t seen you in awhile and her ear-to-ear grin (with beautiful dimples attached) says “hello, I have missed you” better than words could ever.

10. He appreciates you for who you are today, not for who you can become tomorrow.

He knows you today, but also fuels your aspirations for change. And with that being said, he understands that this is a journey of change for you, and loves all the parts of you that are here, in the present. He supports the qualities you desire to change about yourself, but he does it all without pressure!

Advertising

11. Whatever we do, it is always so much fun.

We always have fun together. No stress. No drama. Whether we dine out with family/friends or are just laid back “people watching” or hanging out, we embrace the time together. It’s relaxed. There is never pressure to try to have fun. Fun creates itself. It’s simple. It’s easy. It’s so enjoyable.

12. She can comfortably hang with anyone.

She has no social nor socioeconomic barriers. She learns from and feels comfortable with anyone–from all walks of life. No pretense. Whether we are at a private corporate event or a simple casual night out with friends, she connects with others and they are attracted to her authenticity. She is the real deal.

13. She can laugh at herself.

She can make a major faux pas and pass it off as her own invaluable lesson. She laughs (sometimes out loud) at her own blunders as if to say, “it’s okay, I’m human, and that’s NOT the worst of things..”  She doesn’t take life so seriously and has a much greater, beautiful vision of her role in the world.

14. He lives life passionately and embraces the moment.

He is a good decision-maker but will live in this moment and indirectly teaches you how to be better at doing the same. His encouragement to try new experiences and live life to its fullest inspires you to tip your toes into new waters. His joie de vivre is soulful and his encouragement helps you to expand your life’s perspective.

15. He is family centered.

He greatly values his family and holds it “front and center.”  He works hard to be a good leader, provider and mentor for his children. He has undying love for them and his dedication is unwavering.

Advertising

16. She is not afraid to be vulnerable.

She will reveal her deepest desires and feelings. She is not afraid to let you see her inner self. She may be silly, amorous, sensual, provocative, daring, or downright daunting, but whatever she is, she will “let it all hang out”. That vulnerability allows you to see who she really is. Vulnerability requires her great courage.

17. We love new experiences together.

Whether it’s traveling outside of our bubble, dining at an offbeat, quaint, homegrown restaurant, practicing archery, checking out the museum’s latest exhibit, or attending the Harley Road Rally, we love it all together. We enjoy experiencing the exciting experiences of life! It thrills us. It motivates us. It expands us. And its always super fun!

18. She knows “quiet”  and when you need it most.

Some of us need quiet time more than others. She knows how you need “quiet” and when you need it most. She allows you your time to be alone, to do what you love and love what you do. It’s your time to unwind, relax, recoup, and restore. Its what your mind, body and spirit need. Not everyone understands a person’s need for alone time…solitude. She does. She gets it. She honors it.

19. He revels in your physical beauty (when you may not be feeling so lovely).

He always sees a beautiful physical quality about you…your deep set eyes, curvy hips, tousled brunette curls, or kissable toes. Even when you really are not up to shining your best self in the mirror, he always seems to discover something amazingly attractive about you. Truly special.

20. We always feel joy spending time with our children.

Spending time with our children and watching the small souls we created together brings us nothing less than joy. The children bind us for life in myriad ways.

Whether you have been through a recent breakup (and miss him dearly), are fixated on your latest, hottest date with her, or truly love him to death in your committed relationship, there are plenty of reasons why you still want him/her in your life. Spend time with all of these reasons. Which are most important and which do you hold closely? Which are wonderful but you may need to let go of? Understand the “why” behind every reason…..the reasons why you still want him/her.

Featured photo credit: Yogendra Joshi via flickr.com

More by this author

7 Ways Forgiveness Frees You Spending Time In Nature Can Make You Feel Younger And Happier, Study Finds Mediterranean Diet Is Proven Good For The Brain, Science Says 5-Signs-That-Show-You-Are-In-A-Long-Lasting-Relationship 20 Reasons Why You Still Want Him/Her The 15 Best Compliments You Could Ever Give/Receive

Trending in Communication

1 How to Improve Intimacy in Your Marriage and Rekindle the Passion 2 Why You Feel Lonely In Your Marriage And How To Deal With It 3 6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of 4 How To Spark A Positive Mood When Feeling Dull 5 5 Reasons You Will Never Be a Fighter

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Published on April 7, 2021

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

Advertising

2. They Make Everything Transactional

Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

Some statements to be wary of include:

Advertising

  • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
  • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
  • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
  • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

3. They Criticize Everything

One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

  • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
  • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
  • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
  • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

Advertising

This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

5. They Socially Isolate You

Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

Advertising

6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

  • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
  • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
  • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
  • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

Final Thoughts

It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

Read Next