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8 Mindsets You Need To Have If You Want To Be Emotionally Intelligent

8 Mindsets You Need To Have If You Want To Be Emotionally Intelligent

Emotional intelligence (EI or EQ) is defined as “the ability to recognize one’s own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behavior” [1].

When you are emotionally intelligent, not only can you understand people better, but you can relate to them on a deeper level. They also inherently like you because they feel like you understand them. Good EI leads to better relationships, promotions, and more customers in business because you communicate on the primary level of emotions – where all human actions begin.

Cultivating EI takes practice, but by adopting the proper beliefs and mindsets, you can reap the benefits. Here are several that you should start practicing, if you don’t already:

1. Connection is why we are all here, and what everyone desires. Everyone is a bit lonely.

This was stated by Brené Brown in her amazing book, Daring Greatly. One of the worst things for your health is isolation. Social isolation can have worse effects on your health than alcoholism and drug abuse.

Everyone wants to be heard, nobody wants to feel misunderstood or alone.

But just hanging out with a bunch of people doesn’t mean you feel heard. In fact, having a deep discussion for an hour with one person for the entire week might make more of a difference than just having beers and talking about the weather for days on end.

The problem in society today is that we have been conditioned to hide our deeper desires, feelings, fears, and thoughts. So, we cover them up with lighter topics. But if these deeper feelings never get heard or addressed, not only can they lead to very negative behaviors that attempt to cover them up, but also anxiety, depression, and sadness.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with light conversation! But, if something is troubling you, you should talk to a trusted person (good friend, family, therapist, religious advisor) about it. Self-worth, abandonment, feelings of loss, isolation, destiny, and the reason why you were put on the Earth are common themes worth discussing.

In that sense, as someone who wants to be emotionally intelligent, you should always attempt to go “one level deeper”, Inception style, with whomever you talk to.

Why are they working at this job? Why are they with this person? What are their hopes, dreams, and desires?

You should try and connect with everyone you interact with. Not only will you feel better because you are feeding your connection desire as a human, but the other person will feel better too and appreciate you!

2. Empathy trumps everything.

If connection is so important and leads to so many amazing things, then empathy is essential for every single person in the world to get better at it. It’s the tool and guiding light the leads to connection and EI.

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The reason why empathy is so powerful is because it is defined as “the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing from within the other person’s frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another’s shoes” [2].

How do you connect with someone? Make them feel heard.

How do you make them feel heard? By showing that you understand some of what they are going through.

Sure, sometimes you might not have lost a loved one and can’t fathom what your friend is going through… But, is there a time when you felt immense sorrow and sadness? Can you live in that emotion with them?

You might never have been SUPER nervous for a date, but what about those times when you got anxious for all the tests you took? Can you feel that anxiety with them?

What about the highs of life too? Can you be happy with them as well, and not jealous?

In becoming emotionally intelligent, make sure not to mistake SYMPATHY (“Oh poor you for feeling that, I hope you feel better”) with EMPATHY (“I feel what you feel, we’ll do this together”). Most people hate sympathy, as it feels shallow. Watch this video to learn more about the difference (narrated by Brené Brown).

3. People, by default, are friendly and sociable.

Not to make people sound like robots with switches (*in robot voice* SET DEFAULT STATE TO FRIENDLY), but most people are fundamentally good. You should hold this belief because it will allow you to connect with people. You won’t be as afraid compared to if you assumed that people don’t want to be bothered or will chomp your head off if you talk to them.

Of course, a minority of people ARE defensive and mean by default. These are the people you want to stay away from.

4. Logic dictates nothing. Emotions drive all decisions and we use logic to justify the decisions.

Dan Ariely discusses this in Predictably Irrational. You and I believe we are logical creatures.

For example:

I decide to be with X because she has certain traits I like.

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You turn down a job offer because the pay is less and you like the money you have right now.

We don’t move to a new city because it doesn’t feel right, it’s far away, we have our friends here, and we already know the best place to get pizza.

Actually, we’re just BS’ing ourselves.

I decide to be with X because she makes me feel good, important, and loved. It hits on my abandonment trigger of not feeling loved enough as a kid, as she makes me feel supported and wanted. She supports my emotional needs and I enjoy supporting her too. I feel stronger.

You turn down the job offer because you are scared of not being able to afford new stuff/you might lose a sense of your identity that’s engrained in that stuff. You don’t want to start at a new position not knowing anyone (feelings of isolation) and not being that great at the position (feelings of self-worth and importance).

We don’t want to move to a new city because we’re scared of not being able to find good friends again (isolation), we’ve already established a routine of where the best food and gym are (security), and we’re just plain nervous about moving to a new place where we might not know anything, especially if it’s in a new culture! We prefer the comfort of the familiar.

By understanding the fact that people make emotionally-based decisions, you can begin to understand the deeper motivations of why they do certain things. And hopefully, you will discover why you might also be carrying out certain patterns or choices in life.

5. Life is 20% the events that occur to me, and 80% my interpretation of those events.

The funny thing about life is that you can draw whatever conclusion you want from events.

So the time you lost your job was actually the best thing that happened to you because it pushed you to pursue your dreams of starting your own business.

The time you broke up with a past girlfriend or boyfriend led you to the person you want to marry, and taught you what you did wrong/what you could do to improve in relationships.

You can choose to be optimistic given any situation, after an initial emotional impulse that might be negative. Of course, suppressing negative emotions doesn’t work and can kill you (storing negativity leads to anxiety, depression, disease, and premature death), but that doesn’t mean you have to live in them forever.

6. Meditation and mindfulness will save my life.

Some form of thought observation is necessary so that you don’t get pulled into a negative thought or emotional spiral.

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In the Vipassana tradition of meditation, the theory is taught that all of our emotional impulses begin as sensations in the body. For example, anxiety begins as the tightness in our chest, clenching in our jaw, and so on. This leads to thoughts saying “I don’t like this”, “I feel nervous”, and then subsequently, the emotion of anxiety.

But by training yourself to use some form of meditation or mindfulness, you can see thoughts for what they are…

Transient brain farts.

See, learning how to meditate shows us that if thoughts come and go, then we can’t be everything we think. And, we don’t have to identify or believe all of our thoughts. We can also input more positive thoughts into our heads on purpose, always seeing the glass half full, so to speak.

For example, in a situation where you don’t get as much work done as you want to, if you are a workaholic that expects A LOT of yourself and is also very hard on yourself (like me), you could have a thought that says “You suck. You should have worked harder and faster. You don’t deserve to relax, what’s wrong with you?

If you do that, you miss the other side of the story: “Hey, awesome job getting that much done. That was some heavy hitting and important stuff. We can always do the rest tomorrow, no big deal.

The difference in how you feel and how you treat yourself can literally add years to your life. You can save others’ lives. too — if you see them getting caught in negative habit patterns.

Meditation and mindfulness make you aware of your possibly unconscious thought patterns so you can begin unravelling them.

Get on it.

7. All things arise just to pass away, including emotions.

In Buddhism there is something called The Law Of Nature, which states that:

All things arise just to pass away.

Thoughts, emotions, events, people… Everything arises just to leave this world.

So negative thoughts aren’t a huge deal because they go away, eventually. Sadness eventually passes. You should know that an awesome event won’t last forever, and expect it. And the same with the emotion of happiness.

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Using this, though, you should become aware if there is a pattern that happens over and over. Do you have any consistent, negative thoughts? Do you always feel sad? Are you always hard on yourself?

This is one mistake people make when they think mindfulness will save them no matter what (there are actually two really common mistakes). 

Look into it.

8. Reflection is important, and making emotional decisions is a very poor idea. I need time to reflect if possible, and those feelings probably won’t seem like a big deal in the long run.

If you had one fight over something silly and because of the impulse of anger you decided to throw an entire relationship away, that’d be terrible. While all decisions are based on emotions, making decision based on impulsive feelings in the moment is ONE OF THE WORST THINGS YOU CAN DO.

It’s how a lot of slimy sales are done. Afterwards, when you feel a bit bad but can’t return the product or change your decision, you use logic justify it somehow via anything creative you can cling on to in order to convince yourself that it WAS actually a good decision!

But let’s say you don’t make a decision based on an impulse. Let’s say you broke up with someone because of consistent unhappiness, they treated you badly, and so on. Totally justified.

The break up really hurts in the moment and may hurt for months or years. You still loved that person.

But eventually, you will heal and be able to reflect on what went right or wrong. You will learn from it. Perhaps you can become friends with the person.

We draw meaning from the events in our life over time.

You can’t connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something: your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. Because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart, even when it leads you off the well worn path. – Steve Jobs

Realize that reflection of your life allows you to become stronger and see where you have been led. It teaches you how to be better. It builds up your emotional resilience. It makes you smarter.

And it makes you a stronger person.

References

[1]. Coleman, Andrew (2008). A Dictionary of Psychology (3 ed.). Oxford University Press.

[2]. Bellet, Paul S., and Michael J. Maloney (1991). “The importance of empathy as an interviewing skill in medicine“. JAMA 226 (13): 1831–1832.

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Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

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How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

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A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

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Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

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How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

More Resources About Job Interviews

Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

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