Advertising
Advertising

7 Truths About Marriage That I Need My Daughter Know

7 Truths About Marriage That I Need My Daughter Know

Transitioning to being a wife equates to drastic changes in a woman’s life. Moving from life as a single to married status involves so many changes that most women wouldn’t know about until they are literally thrown to the wolves, so to speak.

When you are still single and dating, there are things that you can choose not to deal with as a couple because you are, for all intents and purposes, separate entities. When you get married, this changes and under the law you are essentially one entity. Whatever you both individually have is now collectively owned by the two of you. You may share a name and everyone recognizes you as representative of each other.

Advertising

This is not always rainbows and butterflies, as many married women will tell you. Marriage is hard work, and there are certain truths I would want my daughter to know before she gets married.

1. Silent treatment solves nothing.

As a married person, you have to drop phrases like “silent treatment” from your vocabulary. Communicate with your partner and always discuss the things that bother you. Often, we tend to let things fester and become bigger problems than they really are. So, if something bothers you, talk about it before it tears you apart. Silent treatment confuses your partner because they want to make things right but they may not even know what they did wrong. So, talk.

Advertising

2. Not everyone can be a stepmother.

Going into a marriage, we are often starry-eyed. We think we can handle anything the world throws at us. A word of caution: before you enter into a serious relationship with a person who already has children with a previous partner, truly think about whether you are prepared to be a stepmother and deal with all the complexities that come with the title. The relationship dynamics between a stepmother and child are often difficult. Also, a tense dynamic between your partner and the other parent can put a strain on your relationship.

3. There is no “my” in marriage.

As a single woman, you enjoy your independence and your freedom to use your money as you please. In a marriage, it is not “my money” anymore — it’s now “our money.” Financial issues are the leading cause of fights in a marriage. You have to learn to manage your finances as a couple and be responsible for your financial health as a couple. On the other hand, it’s not unheard of to have an emergency fund that is yours alone. It may sound like a breach of trust, but you never know what the future will bring.

Advertising

4. Your partner is not a work in progress.

Many women often confuse what needs to be worked on in a marriage. Once you have married someone, you have accepted them fully as your partner. Any projects or plans you had to change them should be thrown out fast. As a married woman, you should focus on making your marriage better. You shouldn’t expect someone to change for you. There are many compromises a woman can live with for the sake of a good marriage. This does not mean that you have to compromise on your values. It just means that you can choose to see the glass as half empty or half full.

5. Marriage is between two people.

I cannot stress this enough. You and your partner make up your marriage, not your family and friends. Many women tend to share things about their marriage with people that they shouldn’t. Once you are married, you need to learn to keep the details of your marriage private. Family and friends always mean well, but they are also biased in their love for you and will often give you advice that could be misleading. If it concerns your marriage, talk it out with your spouse. If it still seems like it’s too much to handle, seek professional help.

Advertising

6. Children are great, but they should not be the sole focus of your marriage.

The first few years of a marriage are strained. Not only do you have to deal with the newness of the marriage itself, but many couples often have children soon after the wedding. I have met many women who love their children, but they wish they could have waited to share wedded bliss for a bit longer before having children. I would tell my daughter to wait. Just give it a few years to iron out the wrinkles in the new marriage and set a strong foundation. Then, start building your family when you are both content in your roles within the marriage and are ready to add to the fold.

7. Winning all the arguments doesn’t make you right.

You have to learn to pick your battles. I have seen women tear their partners down just to prove a point, without realizing that they have caused irreparable damage to the marriage. Nobody likes to argue all the time and no one wants to constantly be in the wrong. There are arguments that are certainly worth having, but there are others that you should just let go.

Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it can turn ugly very fast. The one thing a couple has in common is their love for each other. You can fight and disagree on many things while still maintaining your love for each other. Mutual respect and trust are the glue in any marriage. You choose to treat your spouse respectfully for the sake of your marriage, voicing your opinions but also respecting theirs. You also choose to trust each other and the process everyday. I would urge my daughter to remember these truths.

Featured photo credit: Boating by gagilas via lh3.ggpht.com

More by this author

10 Habits of Likable People That You Can Learn to Make More Friends 6 Things Will Happen When You Start Bouncing Back From A Heartbreak 30 Things I Realized About Life Before Turning 30 7 Truths About Marriage That I Need My Daughter Know

Trending in Communication

1 How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up 2 How to Start Over and Reboot Your Life When It Seems Too Late 3 7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer 4 If You Think You’re in an Unhappy Marriage, Remember These 5 Things 5 Feeling Stuck in Life? How to Never Get Stuck Again

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on March 14, 2019

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

7 Questions to Ask in a Job Interview That Will Impress the Interviewer

Recruiters might hold thousands of interviews in their careers and a lot of them are reporting the same thing—that most candidates play it safe with the questions they ask, or have no questions to ask in a job interview at all.

For job applicants, this approach is crazy! This is a job that you’re going to dedicate a lot of hours to and that might have a huge impact on your future career. Don’t throw away the chance to figure out if the position is perfect for you.

Here are 7 killer questions to ask in a job interview that will both impress your counterpart and give you some really useful insights into whether this job will be a dream … or a nightmare.

1. What are some challenges I might come up against this role?

A lesser candidate might ask, “what does a typical day look like in this role?” While this is a perfectly reasonable question to ask in an interview, focusing on potential challenges takes you much further because it indicates that you already are visualizing yourself in the role.

It’s impressive because it shows that you are not afraid of challenges, and you are prepared to strategize a game plan upfront to make sure you succeed if you get the job.

It can also open up a conversation about how you’ve solved problems in the past which can be a reassuring exercise for both you and the hiring manager.

How it helps you:

If you ask the interviewer to describe a typical day, you may get a vibrant picture of all the lovely things you’ll get to do in this job and all the lovely people you’ll get to do them with.

Asking about potential roadblocks means you hear the other side of the story—dysfunctional teams, internal politics, difficult clients, bootstrap budgets and so on. This can help you decide if you’re up for the challenge or whether, for the sake of your sanity, you should respectfully decline the job offer.

2. What are the qualities of really successful people in this role?

Employers don’t want to hire someone who goes through the motions; they want to hire someone who will excel.

Asking this question shows that you care about success, too. How could they not hire you with a dragon-slayer attitude like that?

Advertising

How it helps you:

Interviewers hire people who are great people to work with, but the definition of “great people” differs from person to person.

Does this company hire and promote people with a specific attitude, approach, worth ethic or communication style? Are the most successful people in this role strong extroverts who love to talk and socialize when you are studious and reserved? Does the company reward those who work insane hours when you’re happiest in a more relaxed environment?

If so, then this may not be the right match for you.

Whatever the answer is, you can decide whether you have what it takes for the manager to be happy with your performance in this role. And if the interviewer has no idea what success looks like for this position, this is a sign to proceed with extreme caution.

3. From the research I did on your company, I noticed the culture really supports XYZ. Can you tell me more about that element of the culture and how it impacts this job role?

Of course, you could just ask “what is the culture like here? ” but then you would miss a great opportunity to show that you’ve done your research!

Interviewers give BIG bonus point to those who read up and pay attention, and you’ve just pointed out that (a) you’re diligent in your research (b) you care about the company culture and (c) you’re committed to finding a great cultural fit.

How it helps you:

This question is so useful because it lets you pick an element of the culture that you really care about and that will have the most impact on whether you are happy with the organization.

For example, if training and development is important to you, then you need to know what’s on offer so you don’t end up in a dead-end job with no learning opportunities.

Companies often talk a good talk, and their press releases may be full of shiny CSR initiatives and all the headline-grabbing diversity programs they’re putting in place. This is your opportunity to look under the hood and see if the company lives its values on the ground.

Advertising

A company that says it is committed to doing the right thing by customers should not judge success by the number of up-sells an employee makes, for instance. Look for consistency, so you aren’t in for a culture shock after you start.

4. What is the promotion path for this role, and how would my performance on that path be measured?

To be clear, you are not asking when you will get promoted. Don’t go there—it’s presumptuous, and it indicates that you think you are better than the role you have applied for.

A career-minded candidate, on the other hand, usually has a plan that she’s working towards. This question shows you have a great drive toward growth and advancement and an intention to stick with the company beyond your current state.

How it helps you:

One word: hierarchy.

All organizations have levels of work and authority—executives, upper managers, line managers, the workforce, and so on. Understanding the hierarchical structure gives you power, because you can decide if you can work within it and are capable of climbing through its ranks, or whether it will be endlessly frustrating to you.

In a traditional pyramid hierarchy, for example, the people at the bottom tend to have very little autonomy to make decisions. This gets better as you rise up through the pyramid, but even middle managers have little power to create policy; they are more concerned with enforcing the rules the top leaders make.

If having a high degree of autonomy and accountability is important to you, you may do better in a flat hierarchy where work teams can design their own way of achieving the corporate goals.

5. What’s the most important thing the successful candidate could accomplish in their first 3 months/6 months/year?

Of all the questions to ask in a job interview, this one is impressive because it shows that you identify with and want to be a successful performer, and not just an average one.

Here, you’re drilling down into what the company needs, and needs quite urgently, proving that you’re all about adding value to the organization and not just about what’s in it for you.

How it helps you:

Advertising

Most job descriptions come with 8, 10 or 12 different job responsibilities and a lot of them with be boilerplate or responsibilities that someone in HR thinks are associated with this role. This question gives you a better sense of which responsibilities are the most important—and they may not be what initially attracted you to the role.

If you like the idea of training juniors, for example, but success is judged purely on your sales figures, then is this really the job you thought you were applying for?

This question will also give you an idea of what kind of learning curve you’re expected to have and whether you’ll get any ramp-up time before getting down to business. If you’re the type of person who likes to jump right in and get things done, for instance, you may not be thrilled to hear that you’re going to spend the first three months shadowing a peer.

6. What do you like about working here?

This simple question is all about building rapport with the interviewer. People like to talk about themselves, and the interviewer will be flattered that you’re interested in her opinions.

Hopefully, you’ll find some great connection points that the two of you share. What similar things drive you head into the office each day? How will you fit into the culture?

How it helps you:

You can learn a lot from this question. Someone who genuinely enjoys his job will be able to list several things they like, and their answers will sound passionate and sincere. If not….well, you might consider that a red flag.

Since you potentially can learn a lot about the company culture from this question, it’s a good idea to figure out upfront what’s important to you. Maybe you’re looking for a hands-off boss who values independent thought and creativity? Maybe you work better in environments that move at a rapid, exciting pace?

Whatever’s important to you, listen carefully and see if you can find any common ground.

7. Based on this interview, do you have any questions or concerns about my qualifications for the role?

What a great closing question to ask in a job interview! It shows that you’re not afraid of feedback—in fact, you are inviting it. Not being able to take criticism is a red flag for employers, who need to know that you’ll act on any “coaching moments” with a good heart.

As a bonus, asking this question shows that you are really interested in the position and wish to clear up anything that may be holding the company back from hiring you.

Advertising

How it helps you:

What a devious beast this question is! On the surface, it looks straightforward, but it’s actually giving you four key pieces of information.

First, is the manager capable of giving you feedback when put on the spot like this? Some managers are scared of giving feedback, or don’t think it’s important enough to bother outside of a formal performance appraisal. Do you want to work for a boss like that? How will you improve if no one is telling you what you did wrong?

Second, can the manager give feedback in a constructive way without being too pillowy or too confrontational? It’s unfair to expect the interviewer to have figured out your preferred way of receiving feedback in the space of an interview, but if she come back with a machine-gun fire of shortcomings or one of those corporate feedback “sandwiches” (the doozy slipped between two slices of compliment), then you need to ask yourself, can you work with someone who gives feedback like that?

Third, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about before you leave the interview. This gives you the chance to make a final, tailored sales pitch so you can convince the interviewer that she should not be worried about those things.

Fourth, you get to learn the things the hiring manager is concerned about period. If turnover is keeping him up at night, then your frequent job hopping might get a lot of additional scrutiny. If he’s facing some issues with conflict or communication, then he might raise concerns regarding your performance in this area.

Listen carefully: the concerns that are being raised about you might actually be a proxy for problems in the wider organization.

Making Your Interview Work for You

Interviews are a two-way street. While it is important to differentiate yourself from every other candidate, understand that convincing the interviewer you’re the right person for the role goes hand-in-hand with figuring out if the job is the right fit for you.

Would you feel happy in a work environment where the people, priorities, culture and management style were completely at odds with the way you work? Didn’t think so!

More Resources About Job Interviews

Featured photo credit: Amy Hirschi via unsplash.com

Read Next