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8 Things To Remember When Dating Someone With A Guarded Heart

8 Things To Remember When Dating Someone With A Guarded Heart

A guarded heart is one that has been through one traumatic experience after another, leaving a person unable to open up to new friends and loved ones easily. However, this doesn’t mean it’s completely impossible. Those of us with guarded hearts are often incredibly caring individuals who have been hurt in the past and, because of this, will do their best to keep their shields up around most people. If you find yourself dating someone with a guarded heart, understand that:

1. We treasure alone time

People with guarded hears trust themselves more than any other person on the planet. Because of this, we enjoy being alone much more than others may. Meeting new people is a draining process because we have to keep our guard up at all times until we are sure we can trust somebody. When dating someone with a guarded heart, understand they would rather spend a quiet night on the couch with you than out with a group of friends.

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2. We take it slow

Since it’s incredibly hard for us to trust anyone, we don’t dive into relationships head first. In fact, we’re often scared when we find ourselves liking somebody enough to possibly begin a relationship with them. Unfortunately, having been hurt in the past has led us to be untrusting of ourselves, and we will always second guess ourselves when start to be attracted to a certain someone. But if you don’t mind wading into a relationship with us, it will show you’re able to accommodate to our needs.

3. We still fall easily

Just because we take it slow doesn’t mean we don’t fall easily. It’s what got us in trouble in the first place. Those of us with guarded hearts have most likely fallen in love too quickly in the past and ended up getting hurt. However, despite having learned from our bad experience, it’s in our nature to fall for anyone who treats us well from the get-go. Of course, this leads to conflicting feelings of whether or not we can trust the person we’re currently interested in.

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4. We have trust issues

It should be clear by now that people with guarded hearts have a tough time trusting others. If you’re dating someone with a guarded heart, it can be hard not to take this personally. But if you constantly show your mate you can be trusted, and your intentions are genuine, they will slowly but surely open their hearts to you.

5. We listen more than we talk

Having a guarded heart means we’re afraid to air out our business to just anyone. But we do listen to everything those close to us say. Because we’ve learned it’s hard to trust others, we listen intently to what you’re saying, at times looking for reasons to keep our guard up. If you notice us being quiet during a date, we just want to get to know you before opening up about ourselves.

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6. We’re sometimes mysterious

Along with being rather quiet, we might be hesitant to text or call you after a date, and probably come off as being distant. This doesn’t mean we’re not interested in you. In fact, it may be the exact opposite. Like I said, we’re afraid to let others in, especially if we see ourselves falling for them easily. We understand we’re sending mixed signals by being mysteriously distant, but we have to look out for ourselves before we pay attention to social dating conventions.

7. We love and hate to show affection

Just like how we fall easily but don’t want to, we often move too fast when we want to take it slow. This may have been part of our problem in the past: we fell in love too quickly, moved too fast emotionally and physically, and ended up absolutely heartbroken when the relationship came to an abrupt end. However, if you take it slow with us, we’re bound to shower you with love and affection when we’re ready.

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8. We truly care about those we let into our lives

If we’ve let you into our lives, you can be sure we truly care about you. This should be an incredible compliment to those who strive to be as genuine and trustworthy as possible. When we let you in, you’ll find the relationship to become much more smooth, and for us to be much more open with our feelings. Once this happens, be prepared for a long-lasting relationship full of love and trust.

Featured photo credit: Flickr via farm1.staticflickr.com

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Last Updated on February 25, 2020

5 Rules for Overcoming Adversity and Emotional Pain

5 Rules for Overcoming Adversity and Emotional Pain

“Some people choose to see the ugliness in this world, the disarray. I choose to see the beauty. To believe there is an order to our days. A purpose.” – from the popular show, “Westworld”

It’s different for us all. My personal quest for purpose began with five stages of grief and one startling realization that everything’s endlessly fragile. Adversity, as it happens by rule, found me terribly unprepared, so I decided to take my time. Today, I can honestly say that I’ve grown.

Ugliness and beauty, good and evil, pain and laughter – everything in the universe consists of two forces that are opposing but complementary. In the face of difficulty, that is the only mantra you need.

Here’s how I learned it and why you should too, with five simple rules.

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1. Embrace the Complexity

Quite insidiously, adversities come in all shapes and sizes. Paralyzing physical disabilities, mind-wracking mental problems, ruthless emotional havocs, all leading to the same painful acknowledgement: all the beauty in the world cannot possibly make up for the ugliness that surrounds us. Shattered to pieces, helpless and bare naked, we sit in our therapy chairs, apologizing for being so negative.

Eventually, what it all comes down to is the nature of negative emotion. Our positives overshadow our negatives, thus wrongly teaching us that the road to well-being is paved with nothing but positive feelings and thoughts. How utterly wrong!

“If you’re not failing every now and then, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything innovative”, Woody Allen said.

It’s a classic “learn from your mistakes” rule, but in this case, it implies growing from negative experiences. Make peace with your negativities and embrace beauty and ugliness alike! Accepting this marvellously complex world just as it is will allow you to find purpose in adversity and meaning in misery.

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2. Find Balance, Regain Control

Still, accepting adversity is only the first step toward eventual victory. One can endure only so much trauma in life; if we’re not prepared to deal with difficulties in a productive way, even the minor setbacks can get us off track. Our strengths come from learning, and the best way to learn is through a series of trials and errors. Just like phases of grief or stages of drug addiction, adversities suggest a disabling loss of control, so find your way to regain it.

Some call it the coping mechanism; for others, it’s a spiritual will. However you choose to name yours, know that not all supporting systems are equally beneficial, though each is effective in its own way. Escapism was mine, but it only helped me retain the illusion of beauty. It wasn’t until I opened up toward the ugliness and accepted the naked truth that I was finally free. Whether you choose to dwell in art, religion and spiritualism, thus feeding your resilience from within or to reach out to others for help, choose wisely.

Whatever the means, the second rule is a golden one: find your inner balance and stick to it. Eventually, it will lead you out of the vicious circle.

3. Fight with Patience

My bargaining turned in depression with a single touch. Fearless and free, my dance instructor timidly put her hands on my shoulders and I realized, for the first time, just how tense, stiff and cloistered I was. And just like that, I started letting go. Adversities have their sneaky ways, but in my experience, becoming aware is what hurts the worst. It took me a year to recover from this little moment of self-discovery, and I know remember it as the edge of the rabbit hole.

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Some sufferings are impossible to console; I know that now. The only way to get through is to, well, get through. Depression and despair are only the beginning of the excruciatingly unnerving process that ravages the mind and shrivels the soul, and once they strike, there is no easy way back. So, fight them with patience. When your head starts spinning and your feet lose ground, go to your happy place. Over there, you’ll be reminded that nothing is forever, not even our little existential psychosis.

Take a deep breath and say “om”. When things cannot be combated, they have to be endured, so practice patience and learn to let go. Finally, keep repeating to yourself that this too shall pass.

4. Keep Swimming

Nothing is impossible, in the end. Your negative thoughts will gently pour into your positive ones, just as two streams come together to become a river. In the event of the inevitable disaster, one can only be as calm as still water. Suffering teaches patience, and the latter gives rise to flexibility. Ultimately, what is life than a series of unfortunate events and a handful of bright moments in between? If adversities are impossible to avoid, than learn to glide through as smoothly and patiently as water does with rocks.

Even if spirituality isn’t exactly your cup of tea, you have to admit that this is one solid metaphor. Staying adaptable in the face of change will soothe your panic attacks and keep you sane and sober-blooded. Even if you fail, you’ll know exactly how to breathe and face what’s in front of you once it eventually strikes again. Stay calm and visualize a better tomorrow; if anything else, it will give you strength to dive deep and weather the storm. And, in case there’s somebody’s hand to reach out to, grab it firmly and don’t let go.

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Being flexible against adversities takes a lot of learning, just as staying brave demands a lot of courage. It’s a long, arduous step-by-step routine, and you can reach the end only by swimming on. Persist, even when you fall.

5. Never Stop Searching for Inspiration

And, if it’s a guidance you need, where else to seek it than in experiences of others? Find it in art, in people around you, in chance encounters. The pure beauty of perseverance can be discovered where you expect it the least, so never stop searching for inspiration. If self-help literature soothes your pains and clears your mind, don’t let cynics discourage you. Your path toward reconciliation is nobody’s but yours to choose.

Ever heard of Nick Vujicic? Or Nando Parado? Inspiring people sound their yawps over the roofs of the world, sometimes voiceless, sometimes limbless, sometimes both. Born without arms, Jessica Cox became the most unusual certified pilot in the world, and you can rarely see her without a smile on her face. If you’ve already ripped all of your bucket lists and said goodbye to your dreams and plans, meet Sean Swarner, who’s officially became the first cancer survivor to climb Mount Everest. The stories just go on.

Make your own guidebook! Pen down your positive thoughts, cover your walls with quotes and devise your personal mantras. Whenever things get hard, they’ll be there to remind you of what you need to do. It’s the simplest of all life hacks, and one of the most effective ones.

Find beauty in the world, but never stay blind for its ugliness. However daunting, adversities and emotional pain challenge our inner strength, thus making us resilient and allowing us to grow. As soon as you recognize them as the wind in your sails instead of the devastating storm, the purpose will become simple and clear.

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via unsplash.com

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