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7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently

7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently

We all know dating involves a lot of uncertainty. Most people experience some insecurity when getting to know a potential partner. Figuring out how to read another person’s signs and signals is part of the dating experience. It is sometimes exhilarating, sometimes baffling.

What about when the person you’re dating has been in an abusive relationship? Unfortunately, partner abuse is all too common in our society. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that each minute 20 people experience physical abuse from an intimate partner in the United States. The after effects of relationship abuse are long-lasting, and can make the ups and downs of love even rockier.

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Here are 7 ways a person who has experienced relationship trauma may love differently.

1. We Can Have Low Self-Confidence.

No matter the type of abuse, the abused person suffers damage to their self-esteem. Our abusers were critical of us, and undermined our self-confidence. Sometimes we tell ourselves what our abusers told us, like “you’re no good”, or “how could anyone love you”, or “I hit you because you deserve it.” We need time to get over the damage to our self-esteem. You can help by understanding that sometimes when we are depressed it can be because we are hearing these thoughts. If you help us talk them through it helps, because we know you don’t see us like that.

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2. We Are Sometimes Mistrustful of Kind Gestures.

Sometimes abusers shower their partners with gifts and compliments, as a way of pulling them in quickly. Then, when the partner is hooked, the abuse begins. If you give us a gift or a compliment early on, sometimes we wonder if you are like our abuser. We can’t help it, we’re just afraid. However, behind our fear, we are really grateful for your gift. It’s okay to ask us what is wrong. Sometimes we just have a hard time knowing why we react like we do, and sorting out our feelings.

3. We Sometimes Startle Easily, or Flinch, or Jump at Loud Sounds.

Partner abuse involves physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. We remember the abuse, so loud sounds, certain physical movements, and other things can remind us of the abuse. We can seem to freak out and get jittery or withdraw. We can’t help it, our bodies and minds are remembering the abuse.

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4. We Can Find it Difficult at First in the Bedroom.

Getting close to someone physically means being extra-vulnerable. The last time we were vulnerable, we got hurt. We want to love and trust again, but we’re afraid. Please be patient; we’re trying and want you to understand it’s not you, it’s our past.

5. We Might Try to Sabotage the Relationship.

At times, the fear of getting close enough to be hurt again can make us try to push you away. We might lash  out in anger, withdraw, or be critical. Sometimes we aren’t even aware before we do it. It’s just our fear that we will get hurt again. Sometimes when you are getting really close to us we feel most scared and confused. Please understand it’s not you. We’re actually trying to open up and connect but sometimes the fear overtakes us.

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6. We Might Get Attached Too Fast.

Sometimes people who’ve experienced partner abuse jump into new relationships, hungry for the love and affirmation they didn’t find with the abusive partner. We might push to spend all of our time together, maybe move in together, take vacations together, meet family, all on a schedule that might feel too fast for you. We want a relationship with a good person, and we aren’t quite sure of the rules. Sometimes we don’t want to be alone with the sadness we feel, and being with a caring person feels so comforting. You can help by telling us we are going too fast, and need to slow down. We want to do things the right way. Remember, we are still learning.

7. We Might Not Feel Worthy of a Loving Relationship.

Our abuser left us feeling like we aren’t good enough for a healthy and loving relationship. We are working hard to overcome that damage, harder than you might see just looking at us from the outside. Like everyone else, we want connection, intimacy, and a mutually respectful relationship. It takes courage to move on from an abusive relationship, and to open our hearts again. Understand that we still are working on feeling like we are deserving and lovable. Your compassion goes a long way in helping us heal.

We still carry some of the scars of abuse leftover from the bad relationship. However, we have a lot to offer. We have courage, compassion, and strength gained from moving on and coping with the experience of abuse. We’re working hard on our recovery. A partner with patience and compassion will see us for the treasures we really are.

Featured photo credit: Elenakirey | Dreamstime.com – Sad Woman Photo via dreamstime.com

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Last Updated on September 17, 2018

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

7 Signs of an Unhappy Relationship That Makes You Feel Stuck

Relationships are complicated and when you’re unhappy, it can be difficult to tell what’s causing it and what needs to change.

Sometimes it’s as easy as opening up to your partner about your problems, while other times it may be necessary to switch partners or roll solo to get your mind straight.

When you’re in the thick of things, it can be difficult to tell if you’re unhappy in your relationship or just unhappy in general (in which case, a relationship may be just the cure you need).

Here’re signs of an unhappy relationship that is possibly making you feel stuck:

1. You’re depressed about your home life.

No matter what you do in life, you’re going to have good and bad days. Your relationship is no different.

However, no matter what you’re going through at home, you have to feel comfortable in your own home.

If you constantly dread going home because your significant other is there, there’s a problem. Maybe it’s something you already know about, everyone has an argument or just needs some alone time.

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When that yearning to be alone becomes an insatiable obsession over the course of months and years, it’s time to realize you’re not the exception to the rule.

You’re unhappy in your relationship, and you need to take a look in the mirror and do whatever it takes to make yourself smile.

2. You aren’t comfortable being yourself.

Remember all those things you discovered about yourself when you first got together? The way your partner made you feel when you met that made you fall in love with him or her in the first place.

If they don’t make you feel that way anymore, it’s not the end of the world. If your partner makes you uncomfortable about being you, then her or she is only dragging you down. It’s up to you to decide how to handle that.

You need to be comfortable with who you are. This means being comfortable in your skin and with the way you walk, talk, look, breath, move, and all the other things that make you uniquely you.

If the person who supposedly loves you doesn’t make you feel good about yourself, know that you can do better. They’re not even one in a billion.

3. You can’t stop snooping.

Mutual trust is necessary in any relationship. The only way to get that trust is with respect.

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I can find you anywhere online, no matter how private and secure you think you are. The odds of you having a password I can’t crack are slim. If we’ve met in person, I could install a remote key logger on your device without even touching it.

Finding your information online hardly takes a clandestine organization. Any idiot with a Wi-Fi-enabled device can cyberstalk you. I’m just the only idiot in the village admitting it.

So now that we know everyone snoops, it’s time to address your personal habits. Governments snoop because they don’t trust us. If you’re snooping on your partner, it’s because you don’t trust them.

It’s ok to have doubts, and it’s perfectly normal to look into anything that looks weird, but keep in mind that data collection is only half of an investigation.

If you find yourself constantly snooping and questioning everything, clearly there’s a trust issue and the relationship likely needs to end.

4. You’re afraid of commitment.

If you’ve been dating longer than a year and you aren’t engaged, it’s never going to happen.

Commitment is important. People will come up with a million ways to describe why they can’t be committed.

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No matter who you are if you like it, you need to put a ring on it. Find an engagement ring, stick a gemstone in it and marry the person. If you’re not legally able to get married or you don’t believe in it for one reason or another, have a child (or adopt one, however you’re able to) or treat your partner’s family like your own. It’s a huge financial and mental commitment.

If you’re not ready for one or the other after some time, don’t waste anymore of your precious life on the relationship.

Your relationship should be something that propels you forward. If it’s not going anywhere, make it an open relationship and call it what it is—dating multiple people.

5. You imagine a happier life without your partner.

If all you’re doing is imagining a happier life without your partner, it’s a sign that you’re in the wrong relationship. You’re unhappy and you need to get out.

Your partner should be included in your dreams. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a future with someone.

Try to remember what you dreamed of before you got your heart broken by the realities of life, love and the pursuit of human success.

Remember when you would crush on that cute kid in class? You would secretly imagine marrying him or her and going on an adventure—that’s the way life should be.

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If you’re not at least imagining adventures together, then why are you in that relationship?

6. You resent, rather than love your partner.

When a relationship starts to crumble, you begin to resent your partner for all the things you once loved about him or her.

When you’ve reached this point, your partner has reached at least No. 2 on this list. From your partner’s perspective, your unhappiness with them is picked up as bashing them for being who they are.

If you’re both unhappy in the relationship, it’s better if it ends as quickly and painlessly as possible.

7. You chase past feelings.

It’s okay to reminisce about the past, but if all you do is wish things were like they used to be, it’s a sign you’re not on the right path.

You’re unhappy and, at the very least, you need to have an open dialogue about it. This isn’t necessarily a sign that the relationship should end, but it definitely needs a spark.

When you talk to your partner candidly about what it is you’re looking for, you never know how they’ll react. The risk alone is worth it, good or bad.

Final thoughts

If you’re feeling stuck in your current relationship, it’s time to reflect about it with your partner. Don’t ignore these signs of an unhappy relationship as they will slowly go worse and harm both you and your partner in long-term.

Featured photo credit: josh peterson via unsplash.com

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