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7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently

7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently

We all know dating involves a lot of uncertainty. Most people experience some insecurity when getting to know a potential partner. Figuring out how to read another person’s signs and signals is part of the dating experience. It is sometimes exhilarating, sometimes baffling.

What about when the person you’re dating has been in an abusive relationship? Unfortunately, partner abuse is all too common in our society. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that each minute 20 people experience physical abuse from an intimate partner in the United States. The after effects of relationship abuse are long-lasting, and can make the ups and downs of love even rockier.

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Here are 7 ways a person who has experienced relationship trauma may love differently.

1. We Can Have Low Self-Confidence.

No matter the type of abuse, the abused person suffers damage to their self-esteem. Our abusers were critical of us, and undermined our self-confidence. Sometimes we tell ourselves what our abusers told us, like “you’re no good”, or “how could anyone love you”, or “I hit you because you deserve it.” We need time to get over the damage to our self-esteem. You can help by understanding that sometimes when we are depressed it can be because we are hearing these thoughts. If you help us talk them through it helps, because we know you don’t see us like that.

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2. We Are Sometimes Mistrustful of Kind Gestures.

Sometimes abusers shower their partners with gifts and compliments, as a way of pulling them in quickly. Then, when the partner is hooked, the abuse begins. If you give us a gift or a compliment early on, sometimes we wonder if you are like our abuser. We can’t help it, we’re just afraid. However, behind our fear, we are really grateful for your gift. It’s okay to ask us what is wrong. Sometimes we just have a hard time knowing why we react like we do, and sorting out our feelings.

3. We Sometimes Startle Easily, or Flinch, or Jump at Loud Sounds.

Partner abuse involves physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. We remember the abuse, so loud sounds, certain physical movements, and other things can remind us of the abuse. We can seem to freak out and get jittery or withdraw. We can’t help it, our bodies and minds are remembering the abuse.

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4. We Can Find it Difficult at First in the Bedroom.

Getting close to someone physically means being extra-vulnerable. The last time we were vulnerable, we got hurt. We want to love and trust again, but we’re afraid. Please be patient; we’re trying and want you to understand it’s not you, it’s our past.

5. We Might Try to Sabotage the Relationship.

At times, the fear of getting close enough to be hurt again can make us try to push you away. We might lash  out in anger, withdraw, or be critical. Sometimes we aren’t even aware before we do it. It’s just our fear that we will get hurt again. Sometimes when you are getting really close to us we feel most scared and confused. Please understand it’s not you. We’re actually trying to open up and connect but sometimes the fear overtakes us.

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6. We Might Get Attached Too Fast.

Sometimes people who’ve experienced partner abuse jump into new relationships, hungry for the love and affirmation they didn’t find with the abusive partner. We might push to spend all of our time together, maybe move in together, take vacations together, meet family, all on a schedule that might feel too fast for you. We want a relationship with a good person, and we aren’t quite sure of the rules. Sometimes we don’t want to be alone with the sadness we feel, and being with a caring person feels so comforting. You can help by telling us we are going too fast, and need to slow down. We want to do things the right way. Remember, we are still learning.

7. We Might Not Feel Worthy of a Loving Relationship.

Our abuser left us feeling like we aren’t good enough for a healthy and loving relationship. We are working hard to overcome that damage, harder than you might see just looking at us from the outside. Like everyone else, we want connection, intimacy, and a mutually respectful relationship. It takes courage to move on from an abusive relationship, and to open our hearts again. Understand that we still are working on feeling like we are deserving and lovable. Your compassion goes a long way in helping us heal.

We still carry some of the scars of abuse leftover from the bad relationship. However, we have a lot to offer. We have courage, compassion, and strength gained from moving on and coping with the experience of abuse. We’re working hard on our recovery. A partner with patience and compassion will see us for the treasures we really are.

Featured photo credit: Elenakirey | Dreamstime.com – Sad Woman Photo via dreamstime.com

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Last Updated on November 5, 2018

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

8 Powerful Reasons to Love Your Enemies

We’ve all got our enemies; people who take pleasure in causing us pain and misery. Sometimes, the development of an enemy is due to certain differences in your characters and events have led to that. Other times, some people end up hating you for apparently no reason at all.

Regardless of how you got this enemy, as opposed to the paradigm of fighting fire with fire, consider the following reasons and see why you should actually appreciate your enemies. This article will show you not only how to not be bothered by your enemies, but how to actually foster love for them.

Read on to learn the secret.

1. It’s a practical lesson in anger management

To be honest, your enemies are the best people to help you understand your sense of anger management. When it might be true that your enemies have a way of bringing out the worst in you as regards anger, it is also true that they can help you in your quest to have that anger managed. You can’t get truly angry at someone you love and it is only in that time when you get truly annoyed that you learn how to manage it.

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Anger management is more effective when it is in practice and not in theory

Your enemies are like the therapists who you need, but actually don’t want. Inasmuch as you might want to hate them, they provide you an opportunity to control the anger impulse that you have.

2. It’s an opportunity for healthy competition

You might not know it, but your enemies make for great rivals as they help harness the competitor in you (sometimes, you might not even know or bee conversant with this competitive side until you come across an adversary). You get the right motivation to compete and this can go a long way to spur you to victory.

However, while doing so, it is also essential that you remember not to become a worse version of yourself while competing. Working against an adversary is tricky, and you need to ensure that you don’t cause harm to yourself or your morals in the process. Healthy competition is all you need to get out of this.

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3. Their negative comments can help you make a breakthrough

It is true that your enemies never really have much good to say about you. However, in as much as they might be talking out of a place of hate, there might be some truth to what they’re saying.

To wit, whenever you hear something mean or nasty from an enemy, you might want to take a step back and evaluate yourself. There is a chance that what this enemy is saying is true and coming to face that fact is a major step in helping you to become a better person overall. This is another testament to the fact that enemies can be therapists in their own way.

4. Enemies can also be powerful allies

Loving your enemies can also mean making an effort to interact and make peace with them. In the end, if you are able to establish some common ground and patch things up, you’ll have succeeded in making another friend. And who doesn’t need friends?

This can also help you in working with people in the long run. You get to hone your inter-personal skills, and that can be a big plus to your ledger.

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5. It gives you the ability to realize positivity

In a multitude of negativity, a speck of positivity always seems to find its way through.

Sometimes, a knowledge of the fact that you have enemies will also help you to focus on the many positives and good things that are in your life. A lot of times, we neglect what really matters in life. This can be due to being overly concerned with the enemies we have.

However, it is also possible for this acknowledgement to spur you to take a step back and appreciate the goo things (and people who surround you).

6. There might just be a misunderstanding

Sometimes, the reason why you have an enemy might be something very innocuous. You might not have known the cause of this fractured relationship and your enemy will help complete the picture.

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Simply approaching them will help you to understand the reason for the fracture. This, in turn, can help you to work towards healing your relationship moving forward. Misunderstandings happen, and you need to be able to work around them.

7. You learn to appreciate love as well

A constant reminder of the fact that there are enemies will also help you not to take those who love you for granted. Love and hate are two opposing emotions and it is possible for one to momentarily overshadow the other.

However, while you’ll always have enemies, there will also always be people who love you. These people need to be appreciated for what they do for you. Never let the hate projected to you from your enemies take the place of that.

8. Do you really need the hate?

The truth is that enemies bring only toxic emotions and generate bad reactions from you. If you’re truly to live a prosperous life, you can’t really be carrying all this baggage around.

Hate is bad and you should try all you can to get rid of it. It is a well-known fact that nobody can get really far in life while carrying a lot of emotional baggage. Well, hate is the biggest form of emotional baggage there is.

Featured photo credit: rawpixel via unsplash.com

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