Advertising
Advertising

7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently

7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently

We all know dating involves a lot of uncertainty. Most people experience some insecurity when getting to know a potential partner. Figuring out how to read another person’s signs and signals is part of the dating experience. It is sometimes exhilarating, sometimes baffling.

What about when the person you’re dating has been in an abusive relationship? Unfortunately, partner abuse is all too common in our society. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that each minute 20 people experience physical abuse from an intimate partner in the United States. The after effects of relationship abuse are long-lasting, and can make the ups and downs of love even rockier.

Advertising

Here are 7 ways a person who has experienced relationship trauma may love differently.

1. We Can Have Low Self-Confidence.

No matter the type of abuse, the abused person suffers damage to their self-esteem. Our abusers were critical of us, and undermined our self-confidence. Sometimes we tell ourselves what our abusers told us, like “you’re no good”, or “how could anyone love you”, or “I hit you because you deserve it.” We need time to get over the damage to our self-esteem. You can help by understanding that sometimes when we are depressed it can be because we are hearing these thoughts. If you help us talk them through it helps, because we know you don’t see us like that.

Advertising

2. We Are Sometimes Mistrustful of Kind Gestures.

Sometimes abusers shower their partners with gifts and compliments, as a way of pulling them in quickly. Then, when the partner is hooked, the abuse begins. If you give us a gift or a compliment early on, sometimes we wonder if you are like our abuser. We can’t help it, we’re just afraid. However, behind our fear, we are really grateful for your gift. It’s okay to ask us what is wrong. Sometimes we just have a hard time knowing why we react like we do, and sorting out our feelings.

3. We Sometimes Startle Easily, or Flinch, or Jump at Loud Sounds.

Partner abuse involves physical, emotional, or verbal abuse. We remember the abuse, so loud sounds, certain physical movements, and other things can remind us of the abuse. We can seem to freak out and get jittery or withdraw. We can’t help it, our bodies and minds are remembering the abuse.

Advertising

4. We Can Find it Difficult at First in the Bedroom.

Getting close to someone physically means being extra-vulnerable. The last time we were vulnerable, we got hurt. We want to love and trust again, but we’re afraid. Please be patient; we’re trying and want you to understand it’s not you, it’s our past.

5. We Might Try to Sabotage the Relationship.

At times, the fear of getting close enough to be hurt again can make us try to push you away. We might lash  out in anger, withdraw, or be critical. Sometimes we aren’t even aware before we do it. It’s just our fear that we will get hurt again. Sometimes when you are getting really close to us we feel most scared and confused. Please understand it’s not you. We’re actually trying to open up and connect but sometimes the fear overtakes us.

Advertising

6. We Might Get Attached Too Fast.

Sometimes people who’ve experienced partner abuse jump into new relationships, hungry for the love and affirmation they didn’t find with the abusive partner. We might push to spend all of our time together, maybe move in together, take vacations together, meet family, all on a schedule that might feel too fast for you. We want a relationship with a good person, and we aren’t quite sure of the rules. Sometimes we don’t want to be alone with the sadness we feel, and being with a caring person feels so comforting. You can help by telling us we are going too fast, and need to slow down. We want to do things the right way. Remember, we are still learning.

7. We Might Not Feel Worthy of a Loving Relationship.

Our abuser left us feeling like we aren’t good enough for a healthy and loving relationship. We are working hard to overcome that damage, harder than you might see just looking at us from the outside. Like everyone else, we want connection, intimacy, and a mutually respectful relationship. It takes courage to move on from an abusive relationship, and to open our hearts again. Understand that we still are working on feeling like we are deserving and lovable. Your compassion goes a long way in helping us heal.

We still carry some of the scars of abuse leftover from the bad relationship. However, we have a lot to offer. We have courage, compassion, and strength gained from moving on and coping with the experience of abuse. We’re working hard on our recovery. A partner with patience and compassion will see us for the treasures we really are.

Featured photo credit: Elenakirey | Dreamstime.com – Sad Woman Photo via dreamstime.com

More by this author

6 Things To Remember If You Love A Person With Mental Illness Science Shows Meditation Can Keep the Brain Young (and Guide for Beginnners) Elenakirey | Dreamstime.com - Sad Woman Photo 7 Ways Survivors of Relationship Abuse Love Differently 8 Things You Can Only Learn By Turning 40 8 Secrets Most Single And Independent Women Won’t Tell You

Trending in Communication

1 11 Red Flags in a Relationship Not To Ignore 2 Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating 3 7 Simple Ways To Be Famous In One Year 4 How To Feel Happier (10 Scienece-Backed Ways) 5 31 Simple Ways to Free Your Mind Immediately

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on February 11, 2021

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

Easily Misunderstood by Others? 6 Barriers You Should Overcome to Make Communication Less Frustrating

How often have you said something simple, only to have the person who you said this to misunderstand it or twist the meaning completely around? Nodding your head in affirmative? Then this means that you are being unclear in your communication.

Communication should be simple, right? It’s all about two people or more talking and explaining something to the other. The problem lies in the talking itself, somehow we end up being unclear, and our words, attitude or even the way of talking becomes a barrier in communication, most of the times unknowingly. We give you six common barriers to communication, and how to get past them; for you to actually say what you mean, and or the other person to understand it as well…

The 6 Walls You Need to Break Down to Make Communication Effective

Think about it this way, a simple phrase like “what do you mean” can be said in many different ways and each different way would end up “communicating” something else entirely. Scream it at the other person, and the perception would be anger. Whisper this is someone’s ear and others may take it as if you were plotting something. Say it in another language, and no one gets what you mean at all, if they don’t speak it… This is what we mean when we say that talking or saying something that’s clear in your head, many not mean that you have successfully communicated it across to your intended audience – thus what you say and how, where and why you said it – at times become barriers to communication.[1]

Perceptual Barrier

The moment you say something in a confrontational, sarcastic, angry or emotional tone, you have set up perceptual barriers to communication. The other person or people to whom you are trying to communicate your point get the message that you are disinterested in what you are saying and sort of turn a deaf ear. In effect, you are yelling your point across to person who might as well be deaf![2]

Advertising

The problem: When you have a tone that’s not particularly positive, a body language that denotes your own disinterest in the situation and let your own stereotypes and misgivings enter the conversation via the way you talk and gesture, the other person perceives what you saying an entirely different manner than say if you said the same while smiling and catching their gaze.

The solution: Start the conversation on a positive note, and don’t let what you think color your tone, gestures of body language. Maintain eye contact with your audience, and smile openly and wholeheartedly…

Attitudinal Barrier

Some people, if you would excuse the language, are simply badass and in general are unable to form relationships or even a common point of communication with others, due to their habit of thinking to highly or too lowly of them. They basically have an attitude problem – since they hold themselves in high esteem, they are unable to form genuine lines of communication with anyone. The same is true if they think too little of themselves as well.[3]

The problem: If anyone at work, or even in your family, tends to roam around with a superior air – anything they say is likely to be taken by you and the others with a pinch, or even a bag of salt. Simply because whenever they talk, the first thing to come out of it is their condescending attitude. And in case there’s someone with an inferiority complex, their incessant self-pity forms barriers to communication.

Advertising

The solution: Use simple words and an encouraging smile to communicate effectively – and stick to constructive criticism, and not criticism because you are a perfectionist. If you see someone doing a good job, let them know, and disregard the thought that you could have done it better. It’s their job so measure them by industry standards and not your own.

Language Barrier

This is perhaps the commonest and the most inadvertent of barriers to communication. Using big words, too much of technical jargon or even using just the wrong language at the incorrect or inopportune time can lead to a loss or misinterpretation of communication. It may have sounded right in your head and to your ears as well, but if sounded gobbledygook to the others, the purpose is lost.

The problem: Say you are trying to explain a process to the newbies and end up using every technical word and industry jargon that you knew – your communication has failed if the newbie understood zilch. You have to, without sounding patronizing, explain things to someone in the simplest language they understand instead of the most complex that you do.

The solution: Simplify things for the other person to understand you, and understand it well. Think about it this way: if you are trying to explain something scientific to a child, you tone it down to their thinking capacity, without “dumbing” anything down in the process.[4]

Advertising

Emotional Barrier

Sometimes, we hesitate in opening our mouths, for fear of putting our foot in it! Other times, our emotional state is so fragile that we keep it and our lips zipped tightly together lest we explode. This is the time that our emotions become barriers to communication.[5]

The problem: Say you had a fight at home and are on a slow boil, muttering, in your head, about the injustice of it all. At this time, you have to give someone a dressing down over their work performance. You are likely to transfer at least part of your angst to the conversation then, and talk about unfairness in general, leaving the other person stymied about what you actually meant!

The solution: Remove your emotions and feelings to a personal space, and talk to the other person as you normally would. Treat any phobias or fears that you have and nip them in the bud so that they don’t become a problem. And remember, no one is perfect.

Cultural Barrier

Sometimes, being in an ever-shrinking world means that inadvertently, rules can make cultures clash and cultural clashes can turn into barriers to communication. The idea is to make your point across without hurting anyone’s cultural or religious sentiments.

Advertising

The problem: There are so many ways culture clashes can happen during communication and with cultural clashes; it’s not always about ethnicity. A non-smoker may have problems with smokers taking breaks; an older boss may have issues with younger staff using the Internet too much.

The solution: Communicate only what is necessary to get the point across – and eave your personal sentiments or feelings out of it. Try to be accommodative of the other’s viewpoint, and in case you still need to work it out, do it one to one, to avoid making a spectacle of the other person’s beliefs.[6]

Gender Barrier

Finally, it’s about Men from Mars and Women from Venus. Sometimes, men don’t understand women and women don’t get men – and this gender gap throws barriers in communication. Women tend to take conflict to their graves, literally, while men can move on instantly. Women rely on intuition, men on logic – so inherently, gender becomes a big block in successful communication.[7]

The problem: A male boss may inadvertently rub his female subordinates the wrong way with anti-feminism innuendoes, or even have problems with women taking too many family leaves. Similarly, women sometimes let their emotions get the better of them, something a male audience can’t relate to.

The solution: Talk to people like people – don’t think or classify them into genders and then talk accordingly. Don’t make comments or innuendos that are gender biased – you don’t have to come across as an MCP or as a bra-burning feminist either. Keep gender out of it.

And remember, the key to successful communication is simply being open, making eye contact and smiling intermittently. The battle is usually half won when you say what you mean in simple, straightforward words and keep your emotions out of it.

Reference

Read Next