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8 Things You Should Try To Avoid Doing To Your Children That You Think Are Acts of Love

8 Things You Should Try To Avoid Doing To Your Children That You Think Are Acts of Love
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Parenting, in many ways, is the hardest activity to master. Ever.

There are many reasons why parenting is so tricky to get comfortable with. One of the biggest reasons is that no parenting book could possibly cover all of the different personalities that our children come to this world ready to express. So even when we figure out one technique that might work, our child soon changes and grows and needs something different from us.

Another reason is that parenting involves an enormous amount of energy.

Although some days with children may pass like a cool breeze, others feel like they may never end. Of course when you factor in home and job stress, and the fact that many parents come from dysfunctional families, then it’s easy to see how the choices we make as parents may not end up being in the best interests of our children.

Our intentions may be loving, but sometimes our actions fall short.

We can all benefit from practical suggestions for reducing stress, anxiety, and conflict in our homes and within our families. When we parent in a calm home environment, we will be more likely to make decisions that are better for both our children and ourselves.

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1. Do not make your children feel responsible for your feelings.

Although making our children feel guilty is one of the oldest parenting tricks in the book, it is not a good idea to make our children feel responsible for how we are feeling. We may feel it’s harmless to say to a child, “If you do this for me, I won’t be sad anymore,” but doing so does not reflect the reality that we ourselves are responsible for feeling sad or happy, not our children.

Guilting our children into acting the way we want them to teaches them they must be on the lookout for how to take care of other people’s feelings — and this may be too heavy a burden to bear as they go on to develop relationships with others.

2. Do not make them feel responsible for your actions.

Just as we should avoid making children feel responsible for our feelings, we should avoid making them feel responsible for our actions. We are adults, after all. When we demonstrate to our children that we have calm in our hearts and are in control of how we speak and behave, children feel safe and develop a feeling of calm within their own hearts.

When we lose control and then say “You made me scream at you,” then our children are forced to imagine themselves as more powerful than they really are. Instead of feeling calm in their hearts, they end up feeling saddled with guilt.

When you feel you have reached your limit, take a few minutes to regain your composure, and then decide how you’d like to explore the issues at hand together with your child.

3. Try to avoid yelling or using physical touch to get your point across or to get your child’s attention.

It is important to help keep your child’s environment as safe and calm as possible. When we speak to our children with a moderate tone and volume, our children are able to listen at their best. When we scream at them, our children can only listen through their own feelings of anxiety, which does not set them up well to absorb information.

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When we use our speech rather than our touch to communicate with our children, we allow them to feel safe physically and respected. This also, by the way, helps children learn how to negotiate and to cooperate with their siblings without yelling or touching each other, which does wonders for creating calm at home.

4. Don’t ignore signs that your child may be procrastinating.

If you sense your child is reluctant to get work done or is hesitating to make a choice or a change, use that sense to help your child figure out what is getting in the way. This may be difficult for you as a parent if you tend to procrastinate yourself, but helping your child find a path through difficult experiences will help him or her to avoid the stress of procrastinating.

5. Don’t try to micromanage your child’s life.

Parents use their most loving instincts when they help their children through life’s hurdles. We often try to spare them feelings of disappointment. We also try to ensure they have the best chances for personal success and fulfillment.

These efforts to protect our children from untoward circumstances may have costs themselves, however. When children are over-protected and micromanaged they may:

1. Not have faith in the decisions they make for themselves.

2. Expect success for themselves unreasonably.

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3. Become somewhat passive in their actions as they may expect that others will help them to manage their own lives.

Step back as a parent and assist rather than direct. Enjoy the results.

6. Don’t try to purchase your children’s love.

We all can enjoy good food, fun experiences, and new goodies, but we should try to avoid “feeding” our children these things as expressions of our love for them. When we do, our children learn that they are loved for who they are, they don’t need stuff to fill them up with a false feeling of love, and they will find love in themselves and in other people, where it is in great supply.

7. Don’t make yourself miserable in order to keep your children satisfied.

When parents come from dysfunctional families, they may feel powerfully driven to avoid having their own children experience the negative feelings they did when they were young. This is a natural and loving impulse.

What can be problematic is when parents “protect” their children by refusing to allow certain feelings and experiences into the home, for example, anger, conflict, or imperfection. If you find yourself rigidly trying to protect your vision of what your family should look like and you believe your family members might be upset over your plans, consider seeking professional guidance or counseling in order to relieve the stress that might remain from your own childhood.

You’ll be able to parent with much greater clarity and ease once you do.

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8. Don’t forget to take care of yourself.

All parents will, at some point, to choose their child’s best interest over their own. However, if this becomes routine, where the parent becomes overly self-sacrificing, stress will likely ensue in the home.

The parent will become stressed, frazzled, and resentful, and that will not be good for anyone in the family system. Show your children that they are important, but also remember to show them that you are important too. Important enough to have good boundaries, good self-care, and good judgment.

Have compassion for yourself as a parent and lend that self-compassion to your children when you are with them. Aim toward calm in the family environment, while understanding that there will be periods where calm may not be possible. Save your touch for warm embraces, congratulatory hugs, and genuine affection.

The intention you put into your parenting will enrich your experience tremendously.

Featured photo credit: Arguing Parents with Upset Little Girl via canva.com

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Last Updated on July 20, 2021

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)

How to Overcome the Fear of Public Speaking (A Step-by-Step Guide)
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You’re standing behind the curtain, just about to make your way on stage to face the many faces half-shrouded in darkness in front of you. As you move towards the spotlight, your body starts to feel heavier with each step. A familiar thump echoes throughout your body – your heartbeat has gone off the charts.

Don’t worry, you’re not the only one with glossophobia(also known as speech anxiety or the fear of speaking to large crowds). Sometimes, the anxiety happens long before you even stand on stage.

Your body’s defence mechanism responds by causing a part of your brain to release adrenaline into your blood – the same chemical that gets released as if you were being chased by a lion.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you overcome your fear of public speaking:

1. Prepare yourself mentally and physically

According to experts, we’re built to display anxiety and to recognize it in others. If your body and mind are anxious, your audience will notice. Hence, it’s important to prepare yourself before the big show so that you arrive on stage confident, collected and ready.

“Your outside world is a reflection of your inside world. What goes on in the inside, shows on the outside.” – Bob Proctor

Exercising lightly before a presentation helps get your blood circulating and sends oxygen to the brain. Mental exercises, on the other hand, can help calm the mind and nerves. Here are some useful ways to calm your racing heart when you start to feel the butterflies in your stomach:

Warming up

If you’re nervous, chances are your body will feel the same way. Your body gets tense, your muscles feel tight or you’re breaking in cold sweat. The audience will notice you are nervous.

If you observe that this is exactly what is happening to you minutes before a speech, do a couple of stretches to loosen and relax your body. It’s better to warm up before every speech as it helps to increase the functional potential of the body as a whole. Not only that, it increases muscle efficiency, improves reaction time and your movements.

Here are some exercises to loosen up your body before show time:

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  1. Neck and shoulder rolls – This helps relieve upper body muscle tension and pressure as the rolls focus on rotating the head and shoulders, loosening the muscle. Stress and anxiety can make us rigid within this area which can make you feel agitated, especially when standing.
  2. Arm stretches – We often use this part of our muscles during a speech or presentation through our hand gestures and movements. Stretching these muscles can reduce arm fatigue, loosen you up and improve your body language range.
  3. Waist twists – Place your hands on your hips and rotate your waist in a circular motion. This exercise focuses on loosening the abdominal and lower back regions which is essential as it can cause discomfort and pain, further amplifying any anxieties you may experience.

Stay hydrated

Ever felt parched seconds before speaking? And then coming up on stage sounding raspy and scratchy in front of the audience? This happens because the adrenaline from stage fright causes your mouth to feel dried out.

To prevent all that, it’s essential we stay adequately hydrated before a speech. A sip of water will do the trick. However, do drink in moderation so that you won’t need to go to the bathroom constantly.

Try to avoid sugary beverages and caffeine, since it’s a diuretic – meaning you’ll feel thirstier. It will also amplify your anxiety which prevents you from speaking smoothly.

Meditate

Meditation is well-known as a powerful tool to calm the mind. ABC’s Dan Harris, co-anchor of Nightline and Good Morning America weekend and author of the book titled10% Happier , recommends that meditation can help individuals to feel significantly calmer, faster.

Meditation is like a workout for your mind. It gives you the strength and focus to filter out the negativity and distractions with words of encouragement, confidence and strength.

Mindfulness meditation, in particular, is a popular method to calm yourself before going up on the big stage. The practice involves sitting comfortably, focusing on your breathing and then bringing your mind’s attention to the present without drifting into concerns about the past or future – which likely includes floundering on stage.

Here’s a nice example of guided meditation before public speaking:

2. Focus on your goal

One thing people with a fear of public speaking have in common is focusing too much on themselves and the possibility of failure.

Do I look funny? What if I can’t remember what to say? Do I look stupid? Will people listen to me? Does anyone care about what I’m talking about?’

Instead of thinking this way, shift your attention to your one true purpose – contributing something of value to your audience.

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Decide on the progress you’d like your audience to make after your presentation. Notice their movements and expressions to adapt your speech to ensure that they are having a good time to leave the room as better people.

If your own focus isn’t beneficial and what it should be when you’re speaking, then shift it to what does. This is also key to establishing trust during your presentation as the audience can clearly see that you have their interests at heart.[1]

3. Convert negativity to positivity

There are two sides constantly battling inside of us – one is filled with strength and courage while the other is doubt and insecurities. Which one will you feed?

‘What if I mess up this speech? What if I’m not funny enough? What if I forget what to say?’

It’s no wonder why many of us are uncomfortable giving a presentation. All we do is bring ourselves down before we got a chance to prove ourselves. This is also known as a self-fulfilling prophecy – a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it already is. If you think you’re incompetent, then it will eventually become true.

Motivational coaches tout that positive mantras and affirmations tend to boost your confidents for the moments that matter most. Say to yourself: “I’ll ace this speech and I can do it!”

Take advantage of your adrenaline rush to encourage positive outcome rather than thinking of the negative ‘what ifs’.

Here’s a video of Psychologist Kelly McGonigal who encourages her audience to turn stress into something positive as well as provide methods on how to cope with it:

4. Understand your content

Knowing your content at your fingertips helps reduce your anxiety because there is one less thing to worry about. One way to get there is to practice numerous times before your actual speech.

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However, memorizing your script word-for-word is not encouraged. You can end up freezing should you forget something. You’ll also risk sounding unnatural and less approachable.

“No amount of reading or memorizing will make you successful in life. It is the understanding and the application of wise thought that counts.” – Bob Proctor

Many people unconsciously make the mistake of reading from their slides or memorizing their script word-for-word without understanding their content – a definite way to stress themselves out.

Understanding your speech flow and content makes it easier for you to convert ideas and concepts into your own words which you can then clearly explain to others in a conversational manner. Designing your slides to include text prompts is also an easy hack to ensure you get to quickly recall your flow when your mind goes blank.[2]

One way to understand is to memorize the over-arching concepts or ideas in your pitch. It helps you speak more naturally and let your personality shine through. It’s almost like taking your audience on a journey with a few key milestones.

5. Practice makes perfect

Like most people, many of us are not naturally attuned to public speaking. Rarely do individuals walk up to a large audience and present flawlessly without any research and preparation.

In fact, some of the top presenters make it look easy during showtime because they have spent countless hours behind-the-scenes in deep practice. Even great speakers like the late John F. Kennedy would spend months preparing his speech beforehand.

Public speaking, like any other skill, requires practice – whether it be practicing your speech countless of times in front of a mirror or making notes. As the saying goes, practice makes perfect!

6. Be authentic

There’s nothing wrong with feeling stressed before going up to speak in front of an audience.

Many people fear public speaking because they fear others will judge them for showing their true, vulnerable self. However, vulnerability can sometimes help you come across as more authentic and relatable as a speaker.

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Drop the pretence of trying to act or speak like someone else and you’ll find that it’s worth the risk. You become more genuine, flexible and spontaneous, which makes it easier to handle unpredictable situations – whether it’s getting tough questions from the crowd or experiencing an unexpected technical difficulty.

To find out your authentic style of speaking is easy. Just pick a topic or issue you are passionate about and discuss this like you normally would with a close family or friend. It is like having a conversation with someone in a personal one-to-one setting. A great way to do this on stage is to select a random audience member(with a hopefully calming face) and speak to a single person at a time during your speech. You’ll find that it’s easier trying to connect to one person at a time than a whole room.

With that said, being comfortable enough to be yourself in front of others may take a little time and some experience, depending how comfortable you are with being yourself in front of others. But once you embrace it, stage fright will not be as intimidating as you initially thought.

Presenters like Barack Obama are a prime example of a genuine and passionate speaker:

7. Post speech evaluation

Last but not the least, if you’ve done public speaking and have been scarred from a bad experience, try seeing it as a lesson learned to improve yourself as a speaker.

Don’t beat yourself up after a presentation

We are the hardest on ourselves and it’s good to be. But when you finish delivering your speech or presentation, give yourself some recognition and a pat on the back.

You managed to finish whatever you had to do and did not give up. You did not let your fears and insecurities get to you. Take a little more pride in your work and believe in yourself.

Improve your next speech

As mentioned before, practice does make perfect. If you want to improve your public speaking skills, try asking someone to film you during a speech or presentation. Afterwards, watch and observe what you can do to improve yourself next time.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself after every speech:

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  • How did I do?
  • Are there any areas for improvement?
  • Did I sound or look stressed?
  • Did I stumble on my words? Why?
  • Was I saying “um” too often?
  • How was the flow of the speech?

Write everything you observed down and keep practicing and improving. In time, you’ll be able to better manage your fears of public speaking and appear more confident when it counts.

If you want even more tips about public speaking or delivering a great presentation, check out these articles too:

Reference

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