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The Perfect Breakup?

The Perfect Breakup?

The Perfect Breakup?

    Someone on our Skribit page (that’s the little widget on the right-hand side of Lifehack’s pages where you can make requests, which I or other Lifehack writers look at for ideas) requested a post on how to act when you break up with someone. While it’s never easy to break up with someone (assuming it’s someone you actually do like), I feel like I’ve been through enough breakups to have learned a bit about how to make it as painless as it can be for everyone involved.

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    First, some history: I’ve been in four relationships that mattered, three of which lasted for 2 years or longer. I didn’t “date” much at all in my 20s, but have dated quite a bit in my 30s. Not counting situations where I went out with someone only once or a few times and nothing came of it, I’d estimate I’ve seen about 30 women or so that haven’t turned into long-term relationships. So that’s about 35 endings where the other person mattered to me in some way (beyond just being a human worthy of some basic decency and respect). Which is a lot by some standards, not many by others, but which I think has given me at least some perspective on breaking up.

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    Except in the rare case where both partners realize that their relationship isn’t working at the exact same time and are able to easily and honestly acknowledge that, all breakups are hard. No matter how inappropriate someone might be for us (or us for them, if we’re honest), there is almost always a sense of personal rejection whenever someone tells us, or we tell them, that it’s over.

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    There are a few things we can do to ease the pain we feel or we inflict. Some of these apply when you’re the dumper, some when you’re the dumpee. And then there are a few for after the break-up, and those apply either way. Let’s start with some tips for when you’re the one breaking it off.

    When you break up with someone…

    1. Know why. Before you act, do a little self-reflection. It’s easy to say “It’s not you, it’s me” but a lot harder to mean it if you don’t know what about you “it” is. You don’t have to tell your soon-to-be-ex everything, but you should at least understand for yourself.
    2. Be honest. While you don’t have to unleash a torrent of insults on the person you’re breaking up with, at least be clear about the main reasons things aren’t working for you. And don’t lie about remaining friends if you have no interest in this person as a friend. It just drags out the inevitable.
    3. Don’t drag it out. It can be scary to tell someone you’re not interested in seeing them any more. So scary, in fact, that you don’t – you just act colder and colder, find excuses not to see them, start picking at their weaknesses, putting them through the wringer while you build up the courage to do what you need to do. You’ll both be happier if you make a clean break sooner rather than later.
    4. Be gentle but firm. There’s no reason to be hurtful, no matter how bad things are going. But do be clear that this is not an ultimatum, an invitation to improvement, or just another argument – this is The End.

    When someone breaks up with you…

    1. Dignity first. Easier said than done, especially if you thought things were going well. But no matter how surprised you are, try to act in a way your parents (or clergy, or some other person you respect) would be proud of. Don’t threaten, attack, list their shortcomings back at them, scream, faint, say you’ll kill yourself, beg, or do anything else – the best that can happen is you’ll feel awful later, the worst is that they won’t break up with you and now you’re stuck with someone who wants out.
    2. Get to a safe place. Find a friend, a family member, a clergy member, or anyone you can count on and let them support you. Getting dumped is hard work – you’re going to need a little while to process it.
    3. It really isn’t you, it’s them. Don’t be too hard on yourself – they dumped you for reasons that have to do with who they are, not who you are. Seriously, when we’re really in love, we’re in love with a person’s faults as well as their best features; the bottom line is, if you have faults that drove someone away, it’s because they didn’t accept and love them, and therefore didn’t accept and love you. That’s not an excuse to be awful, it’s just the truth – the worst murderers and rapists and dirtbags in the world still manage to be loved by someone.
    4. But don’t let yourself off the hook, either. The person that just dumped you had their own reasons, but that doesn’t mean you’re perfect. Consider what you want from a relationship, and why you weren’t getting it from the one that just ended (and you weren’t, I promise). And learn from that.

    After the break-up…

    1. No take-backs. Seriously. No booty calls, no pre-existing commitments, no getting together just to talk. Not for a good while, anyway – I realize that people can change and make things work, but that doesn’t happen overnight. More often what happens overnight is you get lonely, or you can’t find anyone better, or you get horny. Getting back together can only prolong something that’s pretty much doomed. I know you think you’ll be the exception, but you won’t. Not until one or both of you make some real changes.
    2. Let hate happen. Being angry at an ex is natural. It might be stupid, unproductive, even awkward, but it’s totally natural – let it happen. Don’t act out towards them or anything, but don’t try to force yourself to process all that emotion out of the way too soon. It takes time – both to deal with your anger over whatever they did or said or were, and to get over your anger at yourself. And you will be angry at yourself: for getting involved with someone who was wrong for you, for being suckered, for letting someone good get away, or for any of a host of reasons. Let it happen.
    3. You don’t have to be friends. Especially if your now ex-relationship lasted a long time, this can be hard to swallow. Yes, your ex probably does know you better than anyone else. And you probably have a lot of the same interests. Maybe you will eventually be friends, down the road, but for now, you have to be faithful to yourself first – you really can’t put yourself out there for your ex the way a friend should. And if you never get to be friends again, well, that’s sad, but it’s not the worst thing ever. Don’t force it.
    4. Don’t get even. If you were hurt badly, your instinct might be to hurt them back. Not a good idea. Seriously, as hard as it is, you have to let it go. It’s not a game with winners and losers – the pain you’re feeling is the pain of having invested yourself in a situation that was wrong for you. Going for revenge will only hurt you more (you’re still investing in that bad relationship), and may hurt others around you (like the person you sleep with to get back at a cheating ex).
    5. Don’t stalk. This should be self-explanatory, but apparently it’s not. Think of breaking up like going to jail – you’re allowed one phone call. (And it should be about the stuff they left at your place, and that’s it!) Don’t call them to ask “why?!?!”, don’t check their email or voicemail with the password they forgot they gave you, don’t hang around their work, and definitely don’t visit them at home. Here’s the thing: psychologically, there’s a threshold beyond which you lose control of what seem at first like harmless issues, and you become obsessed. Stalking really is a sickness; fortunately it’s preventable by simply denying yourself the satisfaction of trying to find out about your now-ex.Here’s the other thing: yes, they’re seeing someone. Yes, they’re flirting with that new assistant at work. Yes, they’re working as an exotic dancer now. Yes, they’re into all sorts of kinky stuff they would never do with you. Yes, they took that trip to Asia you planned together. Yes, they got a better job. Yes, they went back to their spouse. Yes, they got a dog. Yes, yes, yes – everything you’re afraid of is true. Stop worrying about their life and start living your own!
    6. If you’re being stalked, don’t respond. Stalking is a simple positive reinforcement mechanism: the stalker does something, and are rewarded when you respond. When the phone rings 50 times and you finally pick up and tell them never to call you again, they get their reward – and they learn that they have to let the phone ring 50 times to get it again. Same with email, ringing the doorbell, visiting you at work, etc. Pay no attention, at all. If things get too out of hand, appoint someone  — a security person at work, a family member at home, or whoever you can trust – to block all contact. Send their calls automatically to voice mail, set up a forwarding rule in your email program to send their emails to someone else to review (in case they turn threatening) – generally erase the person from your life. Eventually, the pleasure circuit will run out of ways to get that stimulus and your stalker will start to heal.

    When my last major relationship ended, a friend gave me some really good advice. In fact, she had me write it in dry-erase marker on my mirror (lipstick would have done the job as well, but I don’t keep any around…). The advice was this: “There wasn’t anything you could have done differently.” You’re you, and you acted in what you thought was the right way at every point. You have to accept that, and the rest comes easier once you do.

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    Last Updated on January 2, 2019

    7 Steps For Making a New Year’s Resolution and Keeping It

    7 Steps For Making a New Year’s Resolution and Keeping It

    Are you keen to reinvent yourself this year? Or at least use the new year as a long overdue excuse to get rid of bad habits or pick up new ones?

    Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when we feel as if we have to turn over a new leaf. The time when we misguidedly imagine that the arrival of a new year will magically provide the catalyst, motivation and persistence we need to reinvent ourselves.

    Traditionally, New Year’s Day is styled as the ideal time to kick start a new phase in your life and the time when you must make your all important new year’s resolution. Unfortunately, the beginning of the year is also one of the worst times to make a major change in your habits because it’s often a relatively stressful time, right in the middle of the party and vacation season.

    Don’t set yourself up for failure this year by vowing to make huge changes that will be hard to keep. Instead follow these seven steps for successfully making a new year’s resolution you can stick to for good.

    1. Just pick one thing

    If you want to change your life or your lifestyle don’t try to change the whole thing at once. It won’t work. Instead pick one area of your life to change to begin with.

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    Make it something concrete so you know exactly what change you’re planning to make. If you’re successful with the first change you can go ahead and make another change after a month or so. By making small changes one after the other, you still have the chance to be a whole new you at the end of the year and it’s a much more realistic way of doing it.

    Don’t pick a New Year’s resolution that’s bound to fail either, like running a marathon if you’re 40lbs overweight and get out of breath walking upstairs. If that’s the case resolve to walk every day. When you’ve got that habit down pat you can graduate to running in short bursts, constant running by March or April and a marathon at the end of the year. What’s the one habit you most want to change?

    2. Plan ahead

    To ensure success you need to research the change you’re making and plan ahead so you have the resources available when you need them. Here are a few things you should do to prepare and get all the systems in place ready to make your change.

    Read up on it – Go to the library and get books on the subject. Whether it’s quitting smoking, taking up running or yoga or becoming vegan there are books to help you prepare for it. Or use the Internet. If you do enough research you should even be looking forward to making the change.

    Plan for success – Get everything ready so things will run smoothly. If you’re taking up running make sure you have the trainers, clothes, hat, glasses, ipod loaded with energetic sounds at the ready. Then there can be no excuses.

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    3. Anticipate problems

    There will be problems so make a list of what they’ll be. If you think about it, you’ll be able to anticipate problems at certain times of the day, with specific people or in special situations. Once you’ve identified the times that will probably be hard work out ways to cope with them when they inevitably crop up.

    4. Pick a start date

    You don’t have to make these changes on New Year’s Day. That’s the conventional wisdom, but if you truly want to make changes then pick a day when you know you’ll be well-rested, enthusiastic and surrounded by positive people. I’ll be waiting until my kids go back to school in February.

    Sometimes picking a date doesn’t work. It’s better to wait until your whole mind and body are fully ready to take on the challenge. You’ll know when it is when the time comes.

    5. Go for it

    On the big day go for it 100%. Make a commitment and write it down on a card. You just need one short phrase you can carry in your wallet. Or keep it in your car, by your bed and on your bathroom mirror too for an extra dose of positive reinforcement.

    Your commitment card will say something like:

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    • I enjoy a clean, smoke-free life.
    • I stay calm and in control even under times of stress.
    • I’m committed to learning how to run my own business.
    • I meditate daily.

    6. Accept failure

    If you do fail and sneak a cigarette, miss a walk or shout at the kids one morning don’t hate yourself for it. Make a note of the triggers that caused this set back and vow to learn a lesson from them.

    If you know that alcohol makes you crave cigarettes and oversleep the next day cut back on it. If you know the morning rush before school makes you shout then get up earlier or prepare things the night before to make it easier on you.

    Perseverance is the key to success. Try again, keep trying and you will succeed.

    7. Plan rewards

    Small rewards are great encouragement to keep you going during the hardest first days. After that you can probably reward yourself once a week with a magazine, a long-distance call to a supportive friend, a siesta, a trip to the movies or whatever makes you tick.

    Later you can change the rewards to monthly and then at the end of the year you can pick an anniversary reward. Something that you’ll look forward to. You deserve it and you’ll have earned it.

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    Whatever your plans and goals are for this year, I’d do wish you luck with them but remember, it’s your life and you make your own luck.

    Decide what you want to do this year, plan how to get it and go for it. I’ll definitely be cheering you on.

    Are you planning to make a New Year’s resolution? What is it and is it something you’ve tried to do before or something new?

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