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Starting Today You Can Have Your Self-Confidence Back If You Stop Telling Yourself These Lies

Starting Today You Can Have Your Self-Confidence Back If You Stop Telling Yourself These Lies

What is it about our minds and the incessant voices in our heads that want us to believe everything we see hear and think about?

If you are anything like me, there is a battle than can rage inside your head going back and forth from positive to negative and between what’s true and what’s not.  It’s almost as if it isn’t enough that other people can bring this kind torture to us without us bringing it upon ourselves.

Since children we are conditioned to believe certain things, that we can only do what other’s say we can do and that life has limits and if we ever go beyond then, well who knows what will happen!  Our lives are built on fear, fear of failure, rejection and now fear of never fully getting what we truly want in this beautiful once in a lifetime life!

That’s why this is so important; because if we stop telling these lies, limiting our choices and chances we can all live an abundant, love fuelled and exciting life, we can all believe that our dreams are possible and that doesn’t have to be a constant struggle.

To believe in yourself is 100% important and it’s those little lies that turn into doubts  which can chip away at you and your self-confidence, so be sure to look at the following 7 examples of lies that you tell yourself and how to deal with them.

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Your dreams are unrealistic and impossible to achieve

Why is it that as human’s we are compelled to root for the underdog the person who has everything against them but they still achieve the impossible?  It’s because we relate, we want to do the exact same things yet we stop ourselves because we think it’s impossible.

We wait for something to happen to us or change our lives instead of going out there and getting it for ourselves.  So ask yourself this, why are you waiting for permission to do what you’ve always wanted to do?  Give yourself the permission and believe it is possible, do it today your self-confidence needs you!

You are not worthy of love

I just don’t get it when people believe this.  We were all brought into this world through love, one way or another.   The biggest love of all is our love of ourselves which over the years may have taken a huge battering from our peers or authority figures.

When your self-confidence is at an all-time low it can be pretty hard imagining that someone can love you.  But that’s where it starts, if you love yourself then others will follow suit.  Self-love is totally within your control, you can choose whether someone or something in your life is good or bad for you. You’ll gain more self-confidence the more you love yourself and the more that grows the more love will come your way.

You are worthy of love, everyone is worthy of love make no bones about it.

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You do not deserve happiness

Happiness is available for everyone, we were born to be happy and because of that it is abundant and ever present.   Never let anyone or anything tell you otherwise and remember that delaying happiness when you achieve a certain goal, or get that dream job or meet the perfect partner is just silly.  Enjoy each day as they come, live in the present moment and most of all be grateful for all that you have.

Being happy on the inside creates better self-confidence because you know that you are all you need to be happy not external things or circumstances.  So go be happy and smile, life is way too short to be miserable!

Your circumstances do not define your success

If people like J K Rowling, Martin Luther King and Oprah Winfrey all believed that their circumstances prior to making it big, were going to hinder their success in the future they wouldn’t be so successful as they are today.

Your current circumstances do not define you or your success. You define you. If you continue to let your past failures affect your future your self-confidence will wither away and die.  You will be on an endless cycle of defeat and negativity.  You’ve got to believe that through whatever challenge comes up or difficulty that will emerge that you can still achieve your dreams and desires.

You are not enough

Who has told you this other than yourself?  You may have been fed these lies in your past and yet you still continue to believe them, for what reason?

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Each day you can be a better person than you were the day before.  You can choose to be kind, caring and loving or you can chose to believe that you are not enough and drag everyone along on the miserable journey with you.

Everyone is more than good enough. You are intelligent, you are beautiful, you are resourceful and you are strong. You are good enough!  You have to believe this before anyone else will believe it and even if they don’t who cares!

You are not special or unique

This has to be the biggest lie of all because there is no one on this god given earth more unique than you.  There is no one else here like you, not in their looks, their body, their personality or their capability to succeed.

We were all born to fulfill our own purpose, every single one of us, and it is up to you to work out what that it.  This makes you special and unique.  You have to embrace who you are, flaws, quirks, oddities and everything!

Never believe you are not special, you are and don’t you forget it!

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You are not worthy of being wealthy

Wealth can mean many things to many people.  It can be defined in monetary value, in relationships, love and it can be defined in inner peace and way of life.  It is 100% your personal choice what it means to you.

If you think you are not worth of the wealth you desire, ask yourself what kind of beliefs do you have around money or whatever it is.  Question these beliefs and create a new story on acquiring new beliefs and the wealth you want.

You know we all deserve so much more than we expect as there is abundance in all this. Our self- confidence is dictated by our beliefs and what stories we decide to tell ourselves. So from today promise yourself you will tell better more positive stories.  You have one life so make sure it’s a good one.

You deserve it.

 

More by this author

Paula Lawes

Paula loves people and connecting. She writes about communication and relationships tips on Lifehack.

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Published on April 7, 2021

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

6 Signs Of A Controlling Person To Be Aware Of

Some of the most manipulative people are so good at what they do that their words and actions can convince you into thinking they truly care about what’s best for you when in reality, it’s quite the opposite. The most common signs of a controlling person are rarely obvious to outside observers. And for someone enmeshed in a controlling relationship or friendship, it can be incredibly challenging to stay away from this toxic person, even if you’re aware of their emotionally abusive tendencies.

While it’s ultimately up to you to decide whether to preserve or leave a lopsided, unfulfilling relationship, it’s nevertheless critical to understand the following six signs of controlling people so you can better advocate for yourself and mitigate the influence of their manipulative tendencies in your own life.

1. They Push Their Own Personal Agenda

Do you know someone who always tries to micromanage the words, behaviors, and attitudes of people around them? Does this person act like they have the right to know anything they want about you, including your location, what you’re doing in a given moment, who you’re talking to online, or any other private information about you? And when planning events and special occasions, does this person dominate conversations, steer plans in their own preferred directions, disparage others’ suggestions, and refuse to collaborate with anyone who might disagree with them?

If you answered “yes” to some of the above questions, then those are clear signs of a controlling person whom you absolutely need to be cautious around. Controlling people are reluctant to even consider alternative ideas, let alone enthusiastically work with people who have differing views. They prefer to be the captain of every ship—regardless of how much or how little an issue personally impacts them—and they have an arsenal of manipulative tactics to deploy if someone stands in the way of them achieving their own personal agendas.

In long-term relationships with controlling people, you may feel constantly pressured to meet their demands, follow their schedule, and focus on whatever they feel is most important. It’s not an exaggeration to say that these people act like the universe revolves around them, which can be exhausting to deal with for their family members, friends, and colleagues.

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2. They Make Everything Transactional

Controlling people aren’t always self-centered, but they’re not too empathetic either. Empathy for them tends to appear in the form of strategic concessions they use as a means to get what they want. They typically view interpersonal relationships as transactional opportunities to extract more value from people surrounding them, which can have a draining effect on those they interact with.

For example, one sign of a controlling person may be their insistence on “keeping score.” This can involve doing nice things for you with the ulterior motive of demanding something from you at a later date in exchange for what you thought was just an act of kindness or a friendly support.

Perhaps they shower you in praise (also known as “love-bombing”) or gifts then blow up at you if you don’t intuitively know they’re expecting something back from you. None of us are mind-readers, but controlling people behave as though everyone else should think and act like they want others to and those who fall out of line are punished for failing to meet their impossible expectations.

A controlling person may also threaten to withhold support if you don’t adhere to their demands, but they do so in such subtle ways that the guilt they impose blinds you from the unreasonable nature of their behaviors.

Some statements to be wary of include:

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  • “I did ___________ for you. What do you mean you can’t do ___________ for me?”
  • “Remember how I helped you with ___________? That took a lot of time and energy from me, but I guess you didn’t appreciate my help.”
  • “I always give you ___________. Don’t you care about my needs too?”
  • “You’re so selfish!” or “You don’t care about me at all!” (gaslighting if you respond with hesitation or politely decline their request for help for perfectly valid reasons, such as not having enough time or resources to assist them)

3. They Criticize Everything

One of the most common telltale signs of a controlling person is their capacity to criticize anything and everything, even small things that seemingly don’t matter. As with many toxic traits in relationships, these problems typically start out so small that you may not even notice. At first, you may even agree with their criticism or at least be able to understand their perspective when they bring up an issue.

However, the criticism tends to get more intense, more constant, and more perplexing for people who maintain relationships with controlling people. You’ll likely notice how they rarely seem to criticize something they do. It’s almost always other-oriented and these types of people are so manipulative that any rationale they offer can seem plausibly legitimate.

Some warning signs of a controlling person who’s overly critical to the point of abusiveness include:

  • Criticizing things about you that you have little to no control over (e.g., appearance, disability, family)
  • Criticizing your personal choices and interests, such as educational pursuits, career, clothing, favorite music, time spent on your hobbies, etc.
  • Punishing you for expressing vulnerability by invalidating thoughts and feelings you share with them
  • Attacking you whenever you express an opinion counter to theirs

4. They Balk When Someone Criticizes Them

We all know the adage, “what goes around, comes around.” But this statement doesn’t apply as much to toxic, controlling people. They’d much prefer to dish out criticism without ever having to take it in return.

For instance, if your friend constantly talks about your appearance with little regard for your emotions but flips out if you make just a single comment about their appearance, there’s a possibility that they could have some hidden controlling tendencies left unchecked. Remember, these people aren’t just controlling in their behaviors towards others. They’re also actively trying to stay in complete control over every aspect of their lives, which includes how others view them.

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This seemingly insatiable desire for control can prompt them to lash out against even the smallest bits of criticism, leaving people around them too weary or scared to speak up again in the future. While it’s possible they may suffer from something called rejection sensitivity dysphoria, this does not excuse them from the consequences of their words and actions. They should seek professional help to better manage their reactions to criticism.

5. They Socially Isolate You

Not all controlling people do this, but for manipulative narcissists, socially isolating victims is a go-to strategy for maintaining control because it’s effective at preventing people from truly understanding how toxic their partner, family member, or friend is treating them. Think of it this way—if you don’t talk to many other people in your life, there’s less of a risk that you’ll damage their reputation by revealing their abusive tendencies.

Socially isolating others also gives the person more control over you and your life as it becomes more difficult to break away from them if you don’t have other healthier channels of communication and interpersonal support to turn to.

This process doesn’t happen overnight, nor is it something you can readily recognize as abusive. At first, it may seem reasonable, such as asking you to stop engaging so often with family members with whom both of you disagree on major social or political issues. As the social isolation progresses, they may suggest cutting people out of your life—especially if they don’t like that person, regardless of how you personally feel—or even conjure up high-stakes problems like “it’s me or them” under the guise of saving you from people in your life whom they don’t like for whatever reason.

In a controlling person’s life narrative, they’re always the protagonist who’s incapable of any wrongdoing. The blame is always redirected at someone else, whether that’s you or other people in your life. The more they isolate you from other supportive people in your life, the more susceptible you’ll be to falsely believing that they’re right and you “don’t need” your other friends and family when you have someone as perfect as this person.

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6. They’re Emotionally Abusive

It’s hard enough to be in control of your own emotions but when someone else is constantly belittling you and your interests or leveraging guilt and shame to manipulate you into saying or doing what they want, this can make it even more challenging to stay in control of your own life and emotional well-being.

Emotional abuse is another sign of a controlling person that is often overlooked in relationships. After all, human personalities vary widely in terms of passivity, and it’s not uncommon for one person in a relationship to be significantly more passive than the other. This becomes an issue when the controlling partner or friend exudes signs of emotional abuse, which can start subtly and become much more pronounced over time.

Concerning signs of emotionally abusive language or behavior to watch out for include:

  • Dismissing your needs and/or belittling your interests in counterproductive ways
  • Privately or publicly shaming or humiliating you
  • Making you feel as though you can never live up to their expectations or do anything right (according to their own vague, subjective standards)
  • Gaslighting you into thinking they said or did something that never actually happened (making you question your own reality)

Final Thoughts

It’s sometimes hard to see the negative things about someone with whom we have a relationship. We may sometimes unconsciously overlook the signs of a controlling person, especially if that person is someone we have known for a long time or are close to us. However, cutting them off your life is the best thing you can do for yourself. Just watch out for these six signs of a controlling person and take immediate action when you spot them.

More Tips on How To Deal With a Controlling Person

Featured photo credit: Külli Kittus via unsplash.com

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