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How To Deal With The Death Of A Loved One

How To Deal With The Death Of A Loved One

Experiencing the death of a loved one is extremely personal.  Each one of us responds differently to loss.  There are so many variables when it comes to losing someone we love.  There are many different factors that will contribute to your feelings: what your loss is, how the loss happened (whether sudden or expected), the age of the person that was lost (young lives that had so much potential as compared to a life of someone who has lived a long, meaningful life), and the depth of the relationship. The bottom line is that no matter what kind of loss you are dealing with, you will be left to manage your own grief.

Grieving is a tremendously personal journey.  There are no right and wrong ways to deal with grief.  I have recently suffered a tremendous loss in my own life, so allow me to share with you parts of my journey in hopes of helping you in yours.

A peek into my journey

I lost my cousin, who was also my best friend and like a sister to me, to cancer last year.  I don’t remember a time when she wasn’t part of my life.  We grew up together, went to school together, got married around the same time, and had our children close together.  She was always a part of my everyday life–whether that meant birthdays and celebrations, funerals and sorrow, promotions and joy, she was there.

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Losing her has been one of the most difficult things I have ever experienced.  Even though her death was expected, I didn’t know the emotions I would feel until the time came. I had been part of her journey with cancer. I even shaved my head when she lost her hair, just to relate to some of what she was going through.

I often think of the day she got the terminal diagnosis. I stayed overnight with her in the hospital. We had a pajama party.  We laughed, we cried, we hugged, ate snacks from the vending machine on her hospital bed, and we talked and talked.  We talked about times we shared and the future that we wouldn’t.  She encouraged me to make my life count. She has inspired me to move out of my comfort zone and to follow my dream. There were times during her hospital stay for chemo treatments that we would video chat, and I would be there with her through the distance while she fell asleep.

After her death, I was at a loss of what to feel. Sometimes I cried a lot; other times, I couldn’t cry. The main thing that I learned was to allow myself to feel whatever it was that I felt.  It does no good to push the feelings under. It is healthy to go through each step of your grieving process.  I remember watching a TV show one night, and I started sobbing because it reminded me of her.  My husband, who was so supportive during my loss, asked me what he could do to help me.  All I wanted was my favorite picture of her.  I sat and held the picture, touching her face, and cried. As time goes by, I find I am able to feel her through the things I do. Pieces of her memory are scattered throughout my life, and they bring me comfort.

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Give yourself permission to grieve.

This may sound strange, however, it really is important that you allow yourself to feel the things you feel.  Everyone has their own reactions to loss.  Some people want to talk about the deceased member, while others are more reserved and are uncomfortable speaking of the loved one who has gone.

This is your journey; not anyone else.  Do what comes naturally for you.  If you want to display photos and have a special area of remembrance for your loved one, then do it. Depending on how you like to express yourself, Facebook sometimes can be a great way to say what’s on your mind.  There are times when I will go to my loved one’s page and just write her a message.  Although I realize she isn’t actually reading it, somehow, to me, it feels like a connection to her.

Grief comes in waves.  Sometimes, at unexpected moments, you will see, hear, or smell something that reminds you of the person and tears begin to flow involuntarily.  I remember one day, I was at my desk and a visitor came by and she was wearing a fragrance that reminded me of my cousin; without warning tears just slid down my cheeks. Of course, moments like this are overwhelming and a bit embarrassing, but if you just explain that you have recently lost a loved one, most people understand. It is important to allow these things to happen.  Don’t fight your feelings.  Don’t be afraid to let them out. It is a form of healing for you.

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Find Support

There are grief counseling places that specialize in the grieving process. These may be helpful for you. They are able to discuss things with you to help during the most difficult times. There are also groups that meet and talk together, sharing stories and experiences.  Depending on what you feel your needs are, you can determine whether or not this type of interaction is something that you would find beneficial.  If you don’t desire to do something on a professional level, make sure you find support in a group of friends or family.  You need to have someone who understands what you are going through. You need to feel comfortable to share your feelings. I found it wasn’t necessary to always have someone say anything back to me, but just to be there to listen to me. Realize that you are not alone in your grief; there are resources to help you.

Honor your loved one’s life

There are many wonderful types of organizations that will allow you to host an event in honor of your loved one. If your loved one died due to a certain illness, find an event that would benefit research on that particular disease, while honoring your loved one’s memory. Find a local cause that your family member was fond of and sponsor an event. For instance, I was able to ask my cousin what she would like me to do to carry on her memory after she was gone. She was always helping others through food banks and shelters and such, so I am organizing a food drive in her memory.  You can start a scholarship fund in your loved one’s memory. Be creative and find the perfect outlet to honor your loved one. This is a positive way to celebrate your loved one’s life and help others in the process.

Take care of yourself

It is very important during a time of great loss to take care of yourself.  Grief impacts your body in huge ways by depleting its energy and emotional resources.  Listen to what your body is saying.  If you need extra rest and quiet time, take it.  Don’t judge yourself during this time.  After losing my cousin, I felt tremendous exhaustion. Oftentimes, it is difficult to cope with routines because suddenly they are different than they had been.  A small task may seem daunting.

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Pace yourself during this time. Don’t expect a lot out of yourself. Your body and emotions have been through major difficulty. It is common to experience sleep difficulties, concentration problems, appetite lose, and even compulsive behavior. Realize all of these are typical and there isn’t anything wrong or crazy about you. Allow yourself the time you need to mend.

Unfortunately, the death of a loved one is inevitable in life. Everyone will lose someone at some point. Understanding that you are not alone, celebrating your loved one’s life, and taking care of yourself are all important aspects on your road to healing your grief. My wish for you today is that if you are hurting, you will find comfort. Remember that those who have gone on are cheering us on to live a life that counts. Make each day special and leave a legacy for others to remember.

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Last Updated on October 22, 2019

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

How to Get “I Can’t Do It” Out of Your Vocabulary

When someone says, “I can’t do it” . . . I say to myself, “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Maybe you don’t want to do it, but saying you “can’t” do it is a completely different story.

With the right mindset, positive attitude, and a clear vision of what you want to accomplish, the only thing that is holding you back is yourself.

Can’t is a terrible word and it has to be taken out of your vocabulary.

By saying you can’t do something, you’re already doubting yourself, submitting to defeat, and you’re making that barrier around your life tighter.

So today, right now, we are going to remove this word for good.

From now on there is nothing we can’t do.

“Attitude is Tattoo”

Your attitude is everything; it’s your reason, your why and how, your facial expression, emotions, body language, and potentially the end result. How you approach an opportunity, and the result of it, is solely based on you — not your boss or your co-worker or friend.

If you enter a business meeting with a sour attitude, that negative energy can spread like wildfire. People can also feel it — maybe even taste it. This is not an impression you want to leave.

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Now imagine you enter a business meeting with a positive attitude, that whatever happens in here is going to be your result, in your control, not someone else’s. Of course, we can’t always win, but even if the outcome is negative, your attitude and perception can turn it into a positive. The question is: can you do it?

Of course you can, because there is nothing in this world you can’t do.

It’s much better to be known for your positive attitude — your poise, your energy, the reason why things go so well because you are able to maintain such character. A negative attitude is easy. It’s easy to complain, it’s easy to be mad, and it’s even easier to do nothing to change it.

When I say your “attitude is tattoo”, it sounds permanent. Tattoos can be removed, but that’s not the point. Your attitude is like a tattoo because you wear it. People can see it and sometimes, they will judge you on it. If you maintain a negative attitude, then it is permanent until you change it.

Change your attitude and I guarantee the results change as well.

Believe You Can Do It

Do you know why most people say “can’t” and doubt themselves before trying anything?

It’s our lack of self-confidence and fear on many different levels. The one thing we have to purge from ourselves is fear — fear of bad results, fear of change, fear of denial, fear of loss, the fear that makes us worry and lose sleep. Worrying is the same as going outside with an umbrella, waiting for rain to hit it. Stop worrying and move on.

Confidence is fragile: It builds up slowly, but can shatter like glass. Project your confidence and energy into believing in yourself. This is a very important and groundbreaking step — one that is usually the hardest to take. Start telling yourself you can do something, anything, and you will do it the best to your ability. Remove doubt, remove fear, and stick with positive energy.

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Embrace Failure

Do not fear failure. Do not run away from it. Face it, learn from it, grow, and take action. Just remember: You will never know success if you have never failed.

Your confidence will bolster after embracing these facts. You will be immune to demoralizing results, and instead you will find ways to fix it, improve upon it, and make it better than before. You will learn to never say “can’t,” and will realize how many more opportunities you can create by removing that one word.

Don’t let one simple and ugly word plague your confidence. You’re better and stronger than that.

Start Making the Change

But to actually start the process of change is very challenging.

Why is that?

Fear? Time? Don’t know how — or where — to start?

It’s hard because what we’re doing is unlearning what we know. We are used to doing things a certain way, and chances are we’ve been doing them for years.

So here are some ways that I avoid using the word “can’t”, and actually take the steps to put forth the change that I wish to see. I hope you can incorporate these methods into your life.

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Write down What You Want to Change

Write it on post-its, notecards, whatever makes you comfortable — something you will always see. I usually write mine on post-its and put them all over the wall behind my monitor so I always see them.

Tell a Friend and Talk About It

Discussing your goals, what you want to change, is very effective when you say it out loud and tell another person other than yourself. It’s almost like saying, hey, I bet I can do it — watch me.

When you fulfill that goal and tell your friend, it feels rewarding and will motivate you to do it again in a different aspect. Who knows? Maybe your friend adopts the same mindset as you.

Stop Yourself from Saying the Forbidden Word

Sometimes,I can’t control myself in public when I’m with friends, so I have to be careful with the words I use so I don’t embarrass or insult anyone.

Treat the word “can’t” as the worst word you can possibly use. Stop yourself from saying it, mid-sentence if you must, and turn your whole perspective around — you can do it, you will do it, and nothing is impossible!

Repetition, Repetition, Repetition

You think this change will be overnight? No way. This is a practice. Something you’re going to be doing for the rest of your life from now until forever.

As I said earlier, you are unlearning what you know. You know how easy it is to say you can’t do something, so by unlearning this easy practice, you’re self-disciplining yourself to live without boundaries.

Practice this everyday, a little at a time, and before you know it, the word can’t will not be part of your language.

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Do Anything That Can Relieve Your Uncertainty

When I catch myself saying I can’t do something or I don’t know something, looking up information on that action or subject, doing research, educating yourself, relieves that uncertainty.

Sometimes, we think we can’t do something because the whole idea of it seems too large. We skip the small steps in our head and only focus on the end.

Before you say you can’t do something, rewind and slow down a little bit. Focus on what the first step is, then the next. Take it a step at a time, and before you know it you will have done something you previously thought you couldn’t do.

Final Thoughts

You know what you must do. The first step is right now. Once you begin this habit, and really start noticing some change, you’ll realize the door to opportunity is everywhere.

The funny thing is: Those doors have always been there. The evil word that we no longer use put a veil over our eyes because that’s how powerful that word is.

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Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

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