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Easily Pick Up the Art of Saying No

Easily Pick Up the Art of Saying No

I used to suck at saying no, but trust me: when you say yes too often and your life no longer feels like your own, you learn really fast!

For me, it wasn’t so much a fear of disappointing people that fueled my “Sure, why not?” attitude–it was my nonexistent sense of individuality. Saying yes was my way of figuring out what I did and didn’t want, like and don’t like. But when it came time to set boundaries, what felt like a gradual shift to me was sudden and shocking to everyone else.

Here’s why saying no is important:

  • If you say yes too much, the quality of every aspect of your life will suffer.
  • You’ll become scattered, stressed, and unable to focus on what’s truly important to you.
  • People will start to consider you enthusiastic, but unreliable.
  • Feelings of overwhelm, inadequacy, guilt and frustration will consume you.
  • Follow-through? What’s that? You’ll completely lose faith in your ability to reach your goals.

Regardless of why you always say yes, the most important thing you can do is equip yourself with ways to say no that won’t hurt or offend anyone. This is especially crucial in the beginning, since no one will be used to you saying no. Eventually, as you establish your boundaries, it will get easier on both sides.

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Ease Into Saying No

When I first started saying no, it wasn’t pretty. At first it was more of a “Nnnyes.” When I was finally able to get the entire word out, I wasn’t prepared for the second half of the equation: the part where I’d spend so much time justifying my “no,” I’d be too exhausted to accomplish what I wanted to with that time.

If you really suck at saying no, the best thing you can do in the moment is say, “Let me get back to you.” This will give you the opportunity to make an informed decision and practice a concise, firm “no” beforehand.

When it comes to the actual act of saying no, here are my favorite strategies to help you get a grip on your life again:

Saying No at Work

With the level of job insecurity flying around these days, it’s completely understandable to feel as if saying no at work will negatively impact your career. As it turns out, the opposite is true! By focusing on quality over quantity on the job, it shows you care about not only the outcome of the projects others are trying to add to your plate, but also about the overall reputation of your company.

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Start off by showing you understand the importance of what they want you to do, or appreciation for being thought of:

  • “I’d love to help you out, but…”
  • “It sounds like a fantastic project, however…”

Then let them know why you’re saying no:

  • “I already have several time-sensitive projects on the go…”
  • “It’s not my area of expertise…”

End with offering them a back-up plan:

  • “I could put you in touch with…”
  • “Debbie in PR is well-connected to the companies you’d like to partner with. Here’s her cell.”

There will be times when you really do want to work with the person in the future, so let them know you hope to be free for their next project (don’t say you definitely will–you don’t want to make a promise you can’t keep).

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Saying No at Home

Saying no to friends and family is especially tricky; you don’t want to hurt their feelings or disappoint them, but at the same time it’s important to voice your wants and needs and do things that are important to you too.

There are those friends and family members who are consistent when it comes to returning the favor, so you can easily say to them, “Sorry, I already have plans,” or, “Work wiped me, I really need to recharge,” and ask for a rain check. They’ll understand and appreciate the give-and-take of your relationship as much as you do.

Then there are those who are dramatic and needy by nature. It’s pretty much guaranteed that they won’t accept an answer like the above–they’ll want to make new plans right on the spot or try to talk you into doing what they want anyway. Remain firm with your answer, and don’t feel the need to continue justifying your reasons. Trust me, they’ll try to counteract everything you say just to get their way. They’ll get the picture eventually. If they don’t, respectfully say, “This is who I am. Take it or leave it.” If they “leave it,” it’s their loss.

The hardest part of saying no? The unavoidable guilt as your family member or friend gives you the “humane society” face–the big eyes, the chin quiver, the crack in their voice that makes you feel like the biggest tool on Earth. But here’s the thing: you’ve said no respectfully, and for good reason. It’s your time to do exactly what you want with, so why settle for anything less?

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The only thing worse than someone being disappointed in you is being disappointed in yourself.

How has saying no changed your life for the better?

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Krissy Brady

A women's health & wellness writer with a short-term goal to leave women feeling a little more empowered and a little less verklempt.

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Last Updated on September 18, 2020

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

“We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

“It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

1. Take a step back and evaluate

When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

  1. What is the problem?
  2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
  3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
  4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
  5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

4. Process your thoughts/emotions

Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

  1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
  2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
  3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
  4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

5. Acknowledge your thoughts

Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

6. Give yourself a break

If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

As Helen Keller once said,

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

  1. What’s the situation?
  2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
  3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
  4. Take action on your next steps!

After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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