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4 Things Happy Couples Don’t Do No Matter What Happens

4 Things Happy Couples Don’t Do No Matter What Happens

Relationships aren’t easy. At times, being someone’s other half can feel like carrying the Olympic torch. It takes commitment, hard work and emotional stamina to keep the flame of love alive. However, love isn’t meant to feel like a grueling test of endurance. Happy couples don’t need to perform mental and emotional gymnastics on a daily basis to keep their torch lit. Here are four things gold medal partners do not do in the game of love.

1. Keep score.

People who keep track of what their partner does and does not do for them generally do so because they feel overburdened. Whether one person is putting in 10% or 110%, relationships that keep a tally of how much effort each partner is contributing will never add up to 100. When a person approaches a relationship with a “what have you done for me lately?” attitude, she will be disappointed, often. If a couple truly desires a relationship based on utility, then go ahead; design a spreadsheet, create a chore chart and divvy up demands. Gold medal couples see the big picture. They see the work that each person does as part of a team effort. Go team!

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2. Take each other for granted.

Most couples, gold medal or not, occasionally forget how much work goes into burning the eternal flame. When the spark is gone, the energy that both people spend can go unnoticed and unappreciated. If someone feels like their efforts are expected and then unappreciated, they will begin to question why they’re in such a thankless relationship in the first place. Again, gold medal partners realize that love is a choice they make each and every day. They approach each other with “an attitude of gratitude” because their partner has yet again chosen to give their time, attention and affection to them. Instead of becoming apathetic, happy couples remain appreciative of each other’s giving choices.

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3. Belittle each other.

The irrationality of this action should speak for itself. Deriding someone does not demonstrate unconditional love. Rather, belittling a significant other conveys a lack of love. When people call negative attention to their partners short-comings, they do not show their acceptance of their partner. Instead, they exhibit a rigidity that makes their partner feel unaccepted and unloved. In loving relationships, partners declare their love through a willingness to work through each others imperfections, together. Content couples realize each others inadequacies as a way to become closer, not further apart.

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4. Spend every moment together.

In the first blush of love, spending every waking moment together is normal. When Cupid shoots his shaft of love from up above, both partners can go to extremes to be with each other. Ah, here lies the rub. Too much together time can create the first three issues on this list: a neurotic attention to who does more, a lack of appreciation and an opposition to the the other’s “otherness.” Happy couples appreciate alone time. They enjoy their independence to see and do different things because at the end of the day, they share these experiences with each other. Gold medal partners understand that a little independence goes a long way.

Though these are only a few “don’ts,” the common denominator in healthy relationships simplifies to one basic “do,” balance.  Emotionally stable people, whether in pairs or solo, work to achieve balance in their life. Understanding that love is only one aspect of life, albeit an awesome one, happy couples realize that the give and take they are a part of is also a part of the grand scheme of things. Couples who enjoy this equilibrium have a relationship that helps them not only become better partners, but better people.

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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