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10 Mistakes Happy People Never Make

10 Mistakes Happy People Never Make

Have you noticed that small, nagging voice in your head that does most of the talking? It is like a hotel guest that forgot to check out. I call it the “mini-me”.

In my case, I’d do a superb job with a client, or at writing a book, and the mini-me would still be unsatisfied. It would find reasons why the success won’t last and why it is not much of a big deal.

A while ago, I realized it was high-time I asked the nagger to shut up!

After all, it’s your mind, it’s your life and it’s your happiness that is at stake here. The more you give in to the mini-me, the more you move away from experiencing life to the fullest.

Happy people seem to get that. They practice a few things, whether consciously or unconsciously. They also avoid certain things like the plague, such as:

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1. Focusing only on your mini-me

Happy, positive people don’t pay a whole lot of attention to their mini-me. Your job is to convert your mini-me into your best friend – and until it becomes one, you say, “Thank you, but I am fine,” and ignore the rest of the chatter.

Focus on what your mini-me is not saying. Focus on the achievements and happy moments of your life. You know the saying, “What you focus on is what you get”. It’s time to put the saying to the test.

2. Putting a dollar amount on success

If you define your success with money, you will find that the amount you earn is never enough. There is always more to be earned. Instead, happy people equate their success with satisfaction and happiness in life.

If you are happy making a thousand dollars a month because it satisfies all your needs, then be happy. Don’t stop yourself because someone else told you a thousand dollars is not enough. Tune into yourself and ask whether you need more; if yes, strive for it. But not at the cost of your own happiness!

3. Always living in the future

In his book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle stresses the importance of being present. The present is the only time you have right now. It is the only tangible experience for you. The past is in your memories and the future is yet to come.

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Happy people focus on the small things today that will become big successes tomorrow. Seize the day because today will never happen again.

4. Forgetting the magic word

We are a funny species. We forget what is while we focus on what is not. To remind yourself of the small things that bring happiness in your life, keep a gratitude journal. Say, “Thank you,” to the Universe, Source, God (or whatever you call it). Psychological research suggests we are happy when we are grateful for what we already have.

To ‘prove’ this, try writing down three things that went well during a day. Keep doing this for a week, every night, with a causal explanation of why you are grateful for that experience. Notice how you feel after each exercise. In an experiment in 2005, different groups of participants were asked to do the same. At the one-month follow up meeting, the people who used this exercise were happier and less depressed than they had been at the prior meeting. They continued the exercise and stayed happier in the future follow-ups.

5. Dreaming small

Somehow, we are conditioned to dream small. We are told to be careful of the challenges life throws our way. Successful people don’t limit their dreams – they dare to dream BIG.

That said, they also have a series of smaller, more immediate steps that will bring them to realize this goal. Having a bigger vision is important, but a step-by-step formula makes it more possible.

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6. Keeping goals and dreams a secret

Happy people love the concept of a mastermind where people share their challenges and come up with a list of solutions, or brainstorm ideas, using the group’s synergy.

7. Speaking ill of others

It may be tempting to gossip about others behind their back, but when you talk negatively, you take in the negative energy yourself.

Think about the last time you spoke (or thought) badly of someone behind their back. How did you feel afterwards? Not overly enthusiastic, for sure. Instead, focus on others’ strengths and positive habits and highlight what makes them special.

8. Not living in alignment with your values

Alignment with your values is an emotional state you want to feel on a regular basis. For example, your top values could be love, honesty, integrity and success. Make a list of your top ten values and then on the other side of the paper, write down how you are meeting these values in different areas of your life.

Now, write down all areas where your values are not being met. You have discovered the loopholes. What can you do to change that? (For a full list of values, go here.)

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9. Not accepting what cannot be changed

Happy people are adaptable – they easily adjust themselves to accept what is not possible. If you’re unhappy about something, notice how your ego holds onto it and won’t let go of the fact that you cannot change it.

This brings more pain that has especially to do with trying to control others or external situations. The person you can change the easiest is you. Happy people get that and bring their energy to what can be controlled – that is, they themselves.

10. Holding grudges

The more you focus on how someone hurt you last year by making a mean statement, the more you will hold on to anger, negativity and resentment. All these take a whole lot of your energy for nothing in return.

Perhaps the other person feels miserable, too. Perhaps they are holding a grudge against you. No one is happy that way. To forgive and forget is hard but pays well in the long run. You will be free from the shackles of the negative bond, and you have more room for better experiences in your life.

What other habit would you add to the list of mistakes that happy people never make? Share with us in the comments below!

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Last Updated on March 30, 2020

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

What Does Self-Conscious Mean? (And How to Stop Being It)

Have you ever walked into a room and felt like your nerves simply couldn’t handle it? Your heart beats fast, you start to sweat, and you feel like all eyes are on you (even if they’re really not). This is just one of the many ways that being self-conscious can rear its ugly head.

You may not even realize you’re self-conscious, and you may be wondering, “What does self-conscious mean?” That’s a good place to start.

This article will define self-consciousness, show how practically everyone has faced it at one point or another, and give you tips to avoid it.

What Does Self-Conscious Mean?

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, self-conscious is defined as “conscious of one’s own acts or states as belonging to or originating in oneself.”[1]

Not so bad, right? There’s another definition, though — one that speaks more to what you’re going through: “feeling uncomfortably conscious of oneself as an object of the observation of others.” For those of us who regularly deal with extreme self-consciousness, that second definition sounds about right.

There are many different ways self-consciousness can spring up. You may feel self-conscious around people you know, like your family members or closest friends. You may feel self-conscious at work, even though you spend hours every week around your co-workers. Or you may feel self-conscious when out in public and surrounded by strangers. However, you probably don’t feel self-conscious when you’re home alone.

How to Stop Being Too Self-Conscious

When you’re in the throes of self-consciousness, it’s nearly impossible to remember how to stop feeling that way. That’s why it’s so important to prepare ahead of time, when you’re feeling ready to tackle the problem instead of succumbing to it.

Here are a variety of ways to feel better about yourself and stop thinking about how others see you.

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1. Ask Yourself, “So What?”

One way to banish negative, self-conscious thoughts is to do just that: banish them.

The next time you walk into a room and feel your face getting red, think to yourself, “So what?” How much does it really matter if people don’t like how you look or act? What’s the worst that could happen?

Most of the time, you’ll find that you don’t have a good answer to this question. Then, you can immediately start assigning such thoughts less importance. With self-awareness, you can acknowledge that your negative thoughts are present and realize that you don’t agree with them.[2] They’re just thoughts, after all.

2. Be Honest

A lie that self-consciousness might tell is that there’s one way to act or feel. Honestly, though, everyone else is just figuring life out as well. There isn’t a preferred way to show up to an event, gathering, or public place. What you can do is be honest with your feelings and thoughts.[3]

If you feel offended by something someone says, you don’t have to smile to be polite or laugh to fit in with the crowd. Instead, you can politely say why you disagree or excuse yourself and find a group of people who you relate to better. If you’re nervous, don’t overcompensate by trying to look relaxed and casual — it’ll be obvious you’re putting on a front. Instead, nothing is more endearing than saying, “I’m a little nervous!” to a room of people who probably feel the exact same way.

On the same note, if you don’t understand why someone wants you to do something, question it. You can do this at work, at home, or even with people you don’t know well. Nobody should force you to do something you don’t want to do.

Also, even if you’re willing to do what’s asked of you, there’s nothing wrong with asking for more clarification. People will realize that you’re not a person to be bossed around.

3. Understand Why You’re Struggling at Work

Being self-conscious at work can get in the way of your daily responsibilities, your relationships with co-workers, and even your career as a whole. If you’re facing some sort of conflict but you’re too nervous to speak up, you may be at the whim of what happens to you instead of taking some control.

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If you’re usually confident at work, you may be wondering where this new self-consciousness is coming from. It’s possible that you’re dealing with burnout.[4] Common signs are anxiety, fatigue and distraction, all of which can leave you feeling under-confident.

4. Succeed at Something

When you create success in your life, it’s easier to feel confident[5] and less self-conscious. If you feel self-conscious at work, finish the project that’s been looming over your head. If you feel self-conscious in the gym, complete an advanced workout class.

Exposing yourself to what you’re scared of and then succeeding at it in some way (even just by finishing it) can do wonders for your self-esteem. The more confidence you build, the more likely you are to have more success in the future, which will create a cycle of confidence-building.

5. Treat All of You — Not Just Your Self-Consciousness

Trying to solve your self-consciousness alone may not treat the root of the problem. Instead, take a well-rounded approach to lower your self-consciousness and build confidence in areas where you may struggle.

Even professional counselors are embracing this holistic type of treatment[6] because they feel that the health of the mind and body are inextricably linked. This approach combines physical, spiritual, and psychological components. Common activities and treatments include meditation, yoga, massage, and healthy changes to diet and exercise.

If much of this is new to you, it will pay to give it a try. You never know how it will impact you.

If you’re feeling self-conscious about how your body looks, a massage that makes you feel great could boost your confidence. If you try a new workout, you could have something exciting to talk about the next time you’re in a group setting.

Putting yourself in a new situation and learning that you can get through it with grace can give you the confidence to get through all sorts of events and nerve-wracking moments.

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6. Make the Changes That Are Within Your Control

Let’s say you walk into a room and you’re self-conscious about how you look. However, you may have put a lot of time and effort into your outfit. Even though it may stand out, this is how you have chosen to express yourself.

You have to work on your internal confidence, not your external appearance. There’s nothing to change other than your outlook.

On the other hand, maybe there’s something that you don’t like about yourself that you can change. For example, maybe you hate how a birthmark on your face looks or have varicose veins that you think are unsightly. If you can do something about these things, do it! There’s nothing wrong with changing your appearance (or skills, education, etc.) if it’s going to make you more confident.

You don’t have to accept your current situation for acceptance’s sake. There’s no award for putting up with something you hate. Confidence is also required to make changes that are scary, even if they’re for the better. Plus, it may be an easier fix than you thought. For example, treating varicose veins doesn’t have to involve surgery — sometimes simple compression stockings will take care of the problem.[7]

7. Realize That Everyone Has Awkward Moments

Everyone has said something awkward to someone else and lived to tell the tale. We’ve all forgotten somebody’s name or said, “You too!” when the concession stand girl says to enjoy our movie. Not only are these things uber-common, but they’re not nearly as embarrassing as you feel they are.

Think about how you react when someone else does something awkward. Do you think, “Wow, that person’s such a loser!” or do you think, “What a relief, I’m not the only one who does that.” Chances are good that’s the same reaction others have to you when you stumble.

Remember, self-consciousness is a state of mind that you have control over. You don’t have to feel this way. Do what you need to in order to build your confidence, put your self-consciousness in perspective, and start exercising your “I feel awesome about myself” muscle. It’ll get easier with time.

When Is Being Self-Conscious a Good Thing?

Self-consciousness can sometimes be a good thing[8], but you have to take the awkwardness and nerves out of it.

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In this case, “self-aware” is a much better term. Knowing how you come off to people is an excellent trait; you’ll be able to read a room and understand how what you do and say affects others. These are fantastic skills for people work and personal relationships.

Self-awareness helps you dress appropriately for the occasion, tells you that you’re talking too loud or not loud enough, and guides a conversation so you don’t offend or bore anyone.

It’s not about being someone you’re not — that can actually have adverse effects, just like self-consciousness. Instead, it’s about turning up certain aspects of yourself to perform well in the situation.

Final Thoughts

When you’re self-conscious, you’re constantly battling with yourself in an effort to control how other people view you. You try to change yourself to suit what you think other people want to see.

The truth, though, is that you can’t actually control how other people view you — and you may not even be correct about how they view you in the first place.

Being confident doesn’t happen overnight. Instead, it happens in small steps as you slowly build your confidence and say “no” to your self-consciousness. It also requires accepting that you’re going to feel self-conscious sometimes, and that’s okay.

Sometimes worrying that there is a problem can be more stressful than the problem itself. Feeling bad for feeling self-conscious can be more troublesome than simply feeling it and getting on with the day.

Forgive yourself for being human and make the small changes that will lead to better confidence in the future.

More Tips for Improving Your Self-Esteem

Featured photo credit: Cata via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] Merriam-Webster: Self-conscious
[2] Bustle: 7 Tips On How To Stop Feeling Self-Conscious
[3] Marc and Angel: 10 Things to Remember When You Feel Unsure of Yourself
[4] Bostitch: How to Protect Small Businesses From Burnout
[5] Psychology Today: Self-conscious? Get Over It
[6] Wake Forest University: Embracing Holistic Medicine
[7] Center for Vein Restoration: What Causes Venous Ulcers, and How Are They Treated?
[8] Scientific American: The Pros and Cons of Being Self-Aware

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