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Last Updated on February 28, 2018

Arrogance Is a Hidden Fear That Steals Your Confidence

Arrogance Is a Hidden Fear That Steals Your Confidence

When people hear you’ve written a book that’s selling around the world, the first question I often hear is “So what’s the biggest fear you see?” Even as I write this, I find it’s hard to hone in on one over all fear. However as a coach, I think one of my most important jobs is to help people build confidence. And the opposite of confidence is fear.

To which many will tell me “I have no fear in my life!” and yet when they read the book, they’re surprised by the hidden fears that lurk in their subconscious attacking their success. Not all fears wake you in the middle of the night covered in sweat and fearful for your life. Some are hidden and are the underlying causes of a lack of self confidence and a lack of self belief is often hiding in a fear that wishes to stay a stalker in your mind.

Ever noticed how you are awesome at something and yet pause when asked to do something new related to it?

Found yourself keeping quiet on an idea for fear of what people might think?

Have a burning ambition that you never seem to get around to?

Always one more job that needs to be done before you can send in that article or report or launch that website or share your ground breaking ideas?

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That could be a hidden lurker of a fear called arrogance.

Everybody Fears

We all know someone that is highly confident and seems to float around the room at parties or business events with pizzazz, natural charm and laughter and everyone knows who they are and wants to chat with them. Bet that person doesn’t fear arrogance right?

On the contrary they are just as likely to have their own internal automatic thought processes that are impacting on the actions and feelings, but they’ve learned the power of feeling confident and purveying that. That may not have had to think about it a great deal, however they will do things either automatically or with practice that enables them to feel confident.

I speak from experience here, I had the social ineptitude of a burnt sausage at social gatherings, always managing to say just the wrong thing and then not being able to stop myself from talking, sounding like the nearest thing to perpetual motion and yet still jabbering on, because my internal dialogue has gone into hyperdrive as I panic about what that person thinks of me, “oh no I didn’t mean that, what must they think!” I’d keep talking in an attempt to dig myself out of a conversation catastrophe. This didn’t just happen in social situations, I did it when I started networking too. And that meant the drive home could be a journey of hell as my mind replayed every conversation and convinced me that I was the worse human on the planet.

Arrogance Is a Thief of Confidence

Guess what this does to your confidence? To your ability to feel comfortable in any situation? Guess what it does to the way you feel, and if you feel negative, what does that do to your thoughts and actions? You’ve guessed it we are less likely to achieve what we wish to because our internal voices and beliefs have gone into automatic pilot and are intent on keeping us stuck in a loop that results in only ever the same level of success and nothing better.

So if you feel you lack confidence, if you find you speak too much or never share what you are actually thinking, or if you find your big dreams are remaining dreams and are still no nearer to reality; perhaps it’s time to check your attitude to arrogance.

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You see I can remember looking at other people in the room and thinking why can’t I be that person with the pizzazz and the natural style? Why can’t I be confident and relaxed? And the first thing I did was realize the internal conversation that I was replaying was one that said things like: they are better than you; they’ve been in the industry for years, what could you possibly have to add of benefit?

You are just a girl who leaves the men to the real conversations. (Yes a ridiculous thought to have, especially since I believe that we are capable of achieving anything we truly wish to and I’d been one of the UK’s youngest automotive body shop managers and learned so much as a young woman in the car industry! But hey I’m being honest here, because honesty with you could help you find the strength to be honest with yourself.)

The point is (not just to share really personal and unhelpful thoughts that I used to have!) that the thoughts that are allowed to run in our minds can impact on our actions and that then impacts on our results. Thus, the awesome thing is (that I love about coaching for its speed!) that if you want to get better results you need to change your thoughts.

Take Control of Your Automatic Thoughts

First of all, become aware of the automatic thought patterns you slip into. When you notice them depends on what works for you. What I call the science of being you will depend on the best way for you to deal with it.

For example, if you are a person who is told to quit caffeine for your health, are you the kind of person that stops from that moment on? Or are you the person that limits intake day by day to get to your goal? Do you like an app that keeps you motivated? Are you the kind of person that researches alternatives and the best way to go cold turkey on caffeine or are you someone that proclaims, “Why me” and does their best to hide in denial until the next doctor’s appointment?

The reason you need to consider the caffeine question is that it will help you understand the science of being you and your natural way of dealing with things. For me it’s all or nothing. So when I decided to deal with my fear of arrogance, I used the next tip. And to do that I had to appreciate what the automatic thoughts were. For me I went with the 1,2,3 approach:

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  1. Become aware of the automatic thoughts that you allow to run in your mind.
  2. Stop the mid thought.
  3. Choose a new, more motivating and positive thought to have instead.

Ideally you should do each step for one week before adding the next step to ensure mastery and not a half-hearted attempt at change.

Act it

Think of the person that seems to ooze confidence, success and happiness. How do they act? What do they say? How much do they listen? How do they stand? Where do they go? What do they talk about on social media? Sometimes noticing the traits of those that you admire can help you act more like them.

This is not about a broadway performance. However, it is about noticing how it makes you feel. It may not work for everyone. But for those that it helps, it can help fast. And before long the act becomes the reality.

Accept you

One of the reasons we don’t showcase our true potential is because we are scared about what people will think and how they will perceive us. As humans, we are by nature a social animal wanting others around us. And thus we work hard to be accepted and liked.

One of the quickest ways to be liked is to be you. The irony being that people hide who they are for fear of rejection. Learn to accept who you are and then people will automatically do the same for you too. People accept the perception of reality that you bring to them. Act scared in front of an audience? Your audience will look nervous. Smile as you walk into a party? People will smile back. Accept that you are good enough right now today.

Following on from accepting you by listening to what you think people are thinking about you can start to process the truth. When I’ve asked a audience to tell me what they are thinking at that time, rarely have they been thinking about me. It is our ego that tells us that people are talking about us, or don’t like us. When the audience replies, it tends to be things like “I wondered what to cook for tea.” Or “Will I get stuck in traffic again tonight.” Or “I wish I’d not worn these shoes, they aren’t as comfortable as I thought they were!” This is a great way of showcasing to people with a fear of public speaking that our greatest fears are usually not even in existence!

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Reshape reality

I often find that the clients I’m working with are, if not nationally recognized for their industry or hobby, it’s internationally appreciated, and yet still they enable a nagging inferior complex to stop them from getting their true results.

I remember a client recently who I repeated to them “So can I just clarify that you are one of the best in the UK and on the international panel for this profession, and you are asking me if you are good enough for X?” It was in this reframing they were able to see it was daft to even suggest that they may not be impeccably qualified and perfect for the job.

Look at the areas in your life where you wish you had more client and if you have top tip number 1, you will have become aware of the automatic thoughts that you let run riot in your mind. What evidence do you have for these beliefs? Quite often our minds know the truth and yet don’t let our hearts appreciate how awesome we are. Make a list of the facts that help you reshape your facts to help you appreciate what you are really capable and why you’ve every right to have confidence in this area of your life.

Featured photo credit: pixabay via pixabay.com

More by this author

Mandie Holgate

Coach, International BEST Selling Author, Speaker & Blogger helping thousands around the world.

How to Stop Racing Thoughts When Your Mind Won’t Let Up How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding) How to Effectively Set Goals in Life to Get Where You Really Want to Be What to Do When Asked About Weaknesses in a Job Interview 20 Coping Skills That Will Help You During Times of Stress

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Last Updated on January 9, 2019

7 Signs You’re Ready to Change Your Life (And What to Do Next)

7 Signs You’re Ready to Change Your Life (And What to Do Next)

Changing your life can be both scary and exciting, but more than anything it’s necessary to grow. Most people come to a point one day where they have to make a change in their life to either grow personally or professionally, but it’s hard to figure out when you’re ready to make that change.

So how do you know when it’s time that you’re ready to change your life?

The truth is there is at least one sign in front of you that you have been ignoring or not even noticing. This article will take you through 7 signs that shows you that you’re ready to take that next step.

1. Your Motivation Is Gone

Humans all have something that makes them tick. A goal that makes them wake up at 5am even though they would love to sleep in late. A drive that makes them decline social events, because their jobs need them to stay all night, or maybe it’s the opposite and you attend social events to please the ones close to you.

It comes from your motivation to succeed either professionally or personally, but once the drive is missing, then you can’t keep going and you will lose your motivation.

If you suddenly can’t find that drive inside you once had, then it can be a sign. It can be your needs or wants that have changed. The important thing is that if you don’t feel the same motivation any longer, then it’s time to do something about it.

We’ve been taught to keep going even when it gets tough, but it’s okay to change and redefine yourself. It’s not about giving up. It’s about stopping up and revaluate whether you still want the same things in life.

Sometimes you may find out you still want the same time, but the way you’re going about it isn’t working for you.

Chris Sacca, an American venture investor, and entrepreneur, bought a cabin in Tahoe’s less-expensive neighbour and moved to the prime skiing and hiking country when he felt his motivation sliding away. He still had the same goals, but described a need for a change in his life to get back the right mind-set:[1]

”I wanted to have the time to focus, to learn the things I wanted to learn, to build what I wanted to build, and to really invest in relationships that I wanted to grow, rather than just doing a day of coffee after coffee after coffee.”

If you still want the same things, then do what Chris Sacca did and change your daily routine. If you want new things, then maybe it’s time to quit your job, or make a change in your personal life.

It doesn’t mean that you have failed. It simply means you are ready to focus on what matters: You.

Find your passion and motivation back to live a better life with these tips:

Want to Know What Truly Motivates You, and How to Always Stay Motivated?

2. You’re Unhappy at Least Once a Day Every Day

We tend to ignore unhappiness because it’s normal to get upset or feel a bit down. It’s true. It is normal, but if you feel unhappy every day and usually without even knowing exactly why – it’s a sign.

A task, a job or a relationship can be both giving and draining — most often both. While we have to accept a certain struggle, we don’t have to accept being unhappy.

Here’s a little test you can do easily:

Take a look at what you do every day, and take a look at the things you have assigned yourself. How many of these things do you do for yourself? And how many do you do to please someone else?

Once and a while, we need to take a step back and look at our to-do list. Are you dealing with a to-do list of others, or your own to-do list? There is a difference.

This can easily be misunderstood, but you need to remember it’s not about being selfish or lazy. If you’re unhappy on a daily basis, then you can’t make other people happy in the long run either.

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If you’re unhappy every day, then it’s time to recognize it as a sign that you’re doing something wrong in your life when it comes to your own happiness. It might have seemed right before, but it’s clearly not doing you any good anymore. You’re ready for a change.

You can learn how to be happy again from this article:

How to Get Motivated and Be Happy Every Day When You Wake Up

3. The People Around You Are Changing

The grass is far from always greener on the other side of the street (at least most of the time), and while we shouldn’t compare ourselves to the people around us on a daily basis, it’s okay to take a look once a while.

The people you surround yourself with often reflect back on yourself. If you’re going through a phase where most of your friends have been going out all the time, and then they suddenly start to focus on work and family, it might be a sign.

This by no means imply you should change your life if you’re still feeling fulfilled and good about it. But if you turn your head and start noticing a change around you and it makes you rethink things, it’s probably a sign of you being ready to change as well.

4. You’re Bored

A healthy life shouldn’t be all fun and games, but if you’re starting to feel bored on a daily basis, then it could be a sign. There’s a difference between waking up on a Sunday and not knowing what to do, and waking up every day and feel bored.

Maybe you don’t feel challenged in your job any longer, or your normal idea of fun is no longer giving you the enjoyment it once did before.

Take the time to check with yourself. Are you just bored? Or do you need something more in your life?

Humans are run by habits and routines, which makes it tough to change them. It also makes us stay in bad situations much longer than needed.

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It’s always hard in the beginning but you can do it! Take a leap of faith and change your life.

5. You’re Stressed

Stress is probably one of the most common signs that you’re in need of a change, but it can also be one of the signs that can be the hardest to react upon. Because when you’re stressed, you automatically feel anxious about making a change.

It can be hard to deal with stress, but luckily there are many different types of solutions to deal with it. It often comes down to trying different ways and figuring out what works for you.

Tim Ferriss notices that:[2]

“More than 80% of the world-class performers I’ve interviewed have some form of daily mediation or mindfulness practice.”

Take a look at this to find what’s best for you to relieve stress:

The Healthy and Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms for Stress

But sometimes all you need to do is to figure out what is stressing you out and whether it’s worth it. If the stress comes down to being a sign, then you need to accept it and create a change in your life, because you’re clearly ready.

6. You’re Scared

Everybody lives with fears. They’re afraid of losing someone. They’re afraid of losing their job. They’re afraid of making the wrong decisions. They’re afraid of a lot of things because life is pretty scary.

The trick is to recognize whether the fear drives you or brings you down. It’s okay to be scared, but it’s not okay to live in constant fear.

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If you’re scared about a specific thing or just feel anxious on a daily basis, it’s time to get a better understanding of where it comes from and also see it as a sign.

When you’re already scared, it can be tough to consider making a change in your life, but look past the fear and know that you can choose to stay in this state of mind or work through it.

Try to visualize a future where the fear is no longer present and use it as a tool to make the hard decision now and change your life for the better.

This guide written by the author of Fight the Fear – How to Beat Your Negative Mindset and Win in Life will help you conquer your fears:

How to Overcome Your Irrational Fears (That Stop You from Succeeding)

7. There’s No Stimulation in Your Life

Humans need stimulation in their daily lives because we will feel scared, stressed and unhappy at times. If you can tell that you no longer have that stimulation in your life, then it’s a sign that you’re ready for a change.

What drove you in the past or got your heart pounding faster once might not do the same for you anymore. Before you get to the previous mentioned state of minds, you can get ahead of things and recognize this lack of stimulation as soon as possible as a sign.

The Bottom Line

All changes are hard and shouldn’t be taken lightly, but we need to start seeing change as a positive rather than (as we often do at first) a negative. Changing your life can be tough, but it’s worth it.

Once you decided to change your life it won’t be easy in the beginning. Try to use a phrase Chris Sacca used when he was going through the same:[3]

”I had a phrase I kept repeating in my head over and over again, which was, ‘Tonight, I will be in by bed…”

This will help you remember whatever you’re feeling right now is temporary. But if you don’t find the courage to make a change, then the negative feelings and emotions you’re dealing with won’t be.

Featured photo credit: Joshua Ness via unsplash.com

Reference

[1]Tim Ferriss: Tools of Titans, page 165
[2]Tim Ferriss: Tools of Titans, page 149
[3]Tim Ferriss: Tools of Titans, Page 167

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