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Don’t Always Go With The Flow. Shape Your Life For The Better With These 5 Questions

Don’t Always Go With The Flow. Shape Your Life For The Better With These 5 Questions

Picture this: you’re celebrating your 68th birthday. Retirement, finally! The office throws you a little party, the boss gives you a gold pen, but the festivities leave you feeling hollow inside. What happened? Where did all the time go? You went to college, entered the corporate world along with your classmates, and your life and dreams passed you by. Sometimes you shouldn’t just go with the flow. Instead, find that hidden door and escape the mainstream world before you regret it.

Shape your life for the better and uncover your true heart’s desires by asking yourself these five questions:

1. Where do I need to go to find myself?

What do you truly want in your life? From work, lifestyle, to relationship…What do you prefer? What suits you the best? Without exploring well before settling down, you’re very likely limiting yourself living a life you might not really enjoy, but just happens to be the only way you know.

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Go somewhere to know more about yourself. You’ll never know what you really want unless you try more. Most of us underestimate our potential and stop ourselves from going further. Take the first step and everything will be different. If you go to a new place where the culture is nearly the opposite of yours, you’ll learn even more.

2. If you could do anything at all, what would it be?

Have you always wanted to be a beer taster or a stunt double in the movies? A truffle hunter, pearl diver, or a monkey trainer?

Forget what other people do, the family business, or traditions. Reply with your heart. What kind of job do you really want? Putting the practical concerns aside, what would you really really want to do even if no one tells you to? What would you still enjoy doing even if it’s not paid?

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3. Dig out the reasons

You may know the places you want to go and the jobs you prefer, but have you ever asked yourself the reason behind those particular choices? Let’s say if you’re interested in having your own restaurant. Is it because you’re really passionate in cooking? Or you like a manage a restaurant to make every customer happy? If you’re passionate in cooking, are there any other choices? Like being a Youtube blogger or a master chef?

Find your why and seek out the motivation behind your wildest dreams.

4. What jobs do you dread the most?

Claustrophobic in cubicles? An office job would be like ingesting slow poison. Faint at the sight of blood? Not even Doctors without Borders will change your reaction. You have to face the fact that you have fears and some things you should avoid.

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What kind of employment fills you with dread? A 9-to-5 job in a department store without windows? Anything dealing with numbers or the public? By getting to know what you dread most, you can become better armed at heading it off and motivate yourself to avoid those types of jobs altogether.

5. How low are you willing to go?

Seek out that which causes your soul to sing. But, you must understand that all dreams come at a cost and that may mean making sacrifices in order to see them come true.

Ask yourself what is the lowest standard of living you are willing to face to make those dreams reality. Would you be able to live long-term in a tent, battle heat and bugs and eat tinned beans just to make that Caribbean island dream come true? Would you sleep in youth hostel dorms with strangers in order to become a travel writer? A mud hut with no running water in Zambia for the Peace Corps?

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What is the lowest level of living that you would deem acceptable to make your dreams become a reality?

Don’t wait for that retirement party to shake you awake. Give yourself permission to to live your dreams today. Be proactive now. Uncover your true desires, learn what to avoid, and know your passions. Live blissfully by following your dreams.

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Sally White

writer, artist & blogger

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Last Updated on October 21, 2019

How to Be a Good Leader and Lead Effectively

How to Be a Good Leader and Lead Effectively

U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren, a contender for the 2020 Democratic nomination, is a reminder of why I am so drawn to leadership as a topic. Whenever I think it is impossible for me to be more impressed with her, she proves me wrong.

Earlier this week, a former marine suggested that he had been in a long-term sexual relationship with the Senator. She flipped the narrative and used the term “Cougar,” a term used to describe older women who date younger men, to reference her alma mater.

Rather than calling the young man a liar, or responding to the accusations in kind, she re-focused the conversation back to her message of college affordability and lifted up that “Cougar” was the mascot for her alma mater. She went on to note that tuition at her school was just $50 per semester when she was a student. Class act.

But by the end of the week, news broke that U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders, another contender for the presidency, had a heart attack. Warren not only wished Sanders a speedy recovery but her campaign sent a meal to his staff. She knew that the hopes of staff, donors and supporters were with the Senator from Vermont and showed genuine compassion and empathy.

To me, she has proven time and time again that she is more than a presidential candidate: she belongs in a leadership hall of fame.

What makes some people excel as leaders is fascinating. You can read about leadership, research it and talk about it, yet the interest in leadership alone will not make you a better leader.

You will have more information than the average person, but becoming a good leader is lifelong work. It requires experience – and lots of it. Most importantly, it requires observation and a commitment to action. Warren observed what was happening with Sen. Sanders, empathized with his team and then took action. Regardless of the outcome of this election, Sanders’ staff will likely never forget her gesture.

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You would have had to work on a political campaign in order to appreciate the stress and anxiety that comes with it. In this moment, staff may not remember everything that Warren said throughout the lengthy campaign, but they will remember what she did during an unforgettable time during the campaign.

If this model of leadership is appealing, and if you are searching for how to up your own leadership game, read on for six characteristics that good leaders share:

1. Good leaders are devoted to the success of the people around them.

Good leaders are not self-interested. Sure, they want to succeed, but they also want others to succeed.

Good leaders see investing in others just as important as they see investing in themselves. They understand that their success is closely tied to the people around them, and they work to ensure that their peers, employees, friends and family have paths for growth and development.

While the leaders may be the people in the spotlight, they are quick to point to the people around them who helped them (the leaders) enter that spotlight. Their willingness to lift others inspires their colleagues’ and friends’ devotion and loyalty.

2. Good leaders are not overly dependent on others’ approval.

It is important for managers to express their support for their teams; good leaders must be independent of the approval of others. I explained in an article for The Chronicle of Philanthropy, that:[1]

“While a desire to be loved is natural, managers who prioritize approval from subordinates will become ineffective supervisors who may do employees harm. For example, a manager driven by a need for approval may shy away from delivering constructive feedback that could help an employee improve. A manager fearful of upsetting someone may tolerate behavior that degrades the work environment and culture.”

In yet another example, a manager who is dependent on the approval of others may not make decisions that could be deemed unpopular in the short run but necessary in the long run.

Think of the coaches who integrated their sporting teams. Their decision to do so, may have seemed odd, and even wrong, in the moment, but time has proven that those leaders were on the right side of history.

3. Good leaders have the capacity to share the spotlight.

Attention is nice, but it is not the prime motivator for good leaders. Doing a good job is.

For this reason, good leaders are willing to share the spotlight. They aren’t threatened by a lack of attention, and they do not need credit for every accomplishment. They are too focused on their goal and too focused on the urgency of their work.

4. Good leaders are students.

In the same way that human beings are constantly evolving, so too are leaders. As long as you are living, you have the potential to learn. It doesn’t matter how much knowledge you think you have; you can always learn something new.

I have the experience of thinking I was doing everything right as a manager, only to receive conflicting feedback from my team. Perhaps my approach was not working for my team, and I had to be willing to hear their feedback to improve.

Good leaders understand that their secret sauce is their willingness to keep receiving information and keep learning. They aren’t intimidated by what they do not know: As long as they maintain a willingness to keep growing, they believe they can overcome any obstacle they face.

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As both masters and students, good leaders read, listen and study to grow. They consume content for information, not just entertainment purposes. They aren’t impressed with their knowledge; they are impressed with the learning journey.

5. Good leaders view vulnerability as a superpower.

It means “replacing ‘professional distance and cool,’ with uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” said Emma Sappala in a Dec. 11, 2014, article, “What Bosses Gain by being Vulnerable” for Harvard Business Journal.[2] She went on to note the importance of human connection, which she asserts is often missing at work.

“As leaders and employees, we are often taught to keep a distance and project a certain image. An image of confidence, competence and authority. We may disclose our vulnerability to a spouse or close friend behind closed doors at night but we would never show it elsewhere during the day, let alone at work.”

This rings so true for me as a woman leader. I was raised believing that any show of emotion in the workplace could be used against me. I was raised believing that it was best for women leaders to be stoic and to “never let ‘em see you sweat.” This may have prevented me from connecting with employees and colleagues on a deeper, more personal level.

6. Good leaders understand themselves.

I am a huge fan of life coach and spiritual teacher Iyanla Vanzant. In addition to her hit show on the OWN network, Vanzant has authored dozens of books. In her books and teachings, she underscores the importance of knowing ourselves fully. She argues that we must know what makes us tick, what makes us happy and what makes us angry.

Self-awareness enables us to put ourselves in situations where we can thrive, and it also enables us to have compassion when we fall short of the goals and expectations we have for ourselves. Relatedly, understanding ourselves will allow us to know our strength. When we know our strengths, we will be able to put people around us who compliment our strengths and fill the gaps in our leadership.

Final Thoughts

Being a good leader, first and foremost, is an inside job. You must focus on growing as a person regardless of the leadership title that you hold. You cannot take others where you yourself have not been. So focusing on yourself, regardless of your time or where you are in your career will have long term benefits for you and the people around you.

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Further, if you want to become a good leader, you should start by setting the intention to do so. What you focus on grows. If you focus on becoming a better leader, you will research and invest in things that help you to fulfill this intention. You will also view the good and bad leadership experiences as steppingstones that hone your character and help you improve.

After you set the intention, get really clear on what a good leader looks like to you. Each of us has a different understanding of leadership. Is a good leader someone who takes risk? Is a good leader, in your estimation, someone who develops other leaders? Whatever it is, know what you’re shooting for. Once you define what it means to be a good leader, look for people who exemplify your vision. Watch and engage with them if you can.

Finally, understand that becoming a good leader doesn’t happen overnight. You must continually work at improving, investing in yourself and reflecting on what is going well and what you must improve. In this way, every experience is an opportunity to grow and a chance to ask: ‘What is this experience trying to teach me?’ or ‘what action is necessary based on this situation?’

If you are committed to questioning, evaluating and acting, you are that much closer to becoming a better leader.

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Featured photo credit: Sam Power via unsplash.com

Reference

[1] The Chronicle of Philanthropy: Why Good Managers Overcome the Desire to Be Liked
[2] Harvard Business Journal: What Bosses Gain by being Vulnerable

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