We all know people who get angry easily. The ones that lash out either verbally or physically and are seemingly out-of-control. What’s interesting is that most of the time, they regret acting the way they did. They wish they had more self-control but they just can’t help it. It seems impossible to change. They see their anger as a genetic flaw that they have to put up with along with the negative consequences that inevitably follow their expressions of anger.
They are completely wrong.
Anger is not a genetic flaw and they don’t have to put up with it. Anger can be managed — but not by just breathing deeply and saying “Woo-Sah”.
The technique I’m about to introduce to you can be used anytime and anywhere. It can be used with people of all ages and the great thing is that it really works.
So how do you do it? How can you stop being angry (or teach someone else to stop being so angry)?
Well, there are two ways:
- You can choose to vent your frustrations; or
- You can use my “soon-to-be proposed” method.
Venting takes the energy out of your anger but the anger can always build up again. I’m going to show you how to stop being angry by looking at what your anger is telling you.
The message your anger is sending is that one of your standards, values or important beliefs is being violated by you or someone else.
Take a minute to think back to the last time you were angry. Explore the situation and what your anger is telling you. Which strong belief is being violated?
After you’ve figured out the belief that is being violated, now it is time to work some “magic” and diffuse your anger once and for all. It’s fast, simple, and effective.
You just need to adopt one new belief:
Your beliefs are yours only. Not anyone else’s.
No one ever decided that your standards should be the ones that everyone follows. Your “map” is not the territory. It’s just your perception of the territory. When you take on this belief, your standards are no longer being violated because you’ve allowed other people to live by their own rules, not your rules. When your standards are not being violated, you have lost the reason to be angry.
This has been one of the most powerful realizations in my life.
Let me tell you a true story…
I realized that the driver violated my standard that people should respect others especially when driving. Then I thought, what if he wasn’t disrespecting me. What if he was rushing home because his pregnant wife’s water just broke. Would I still be angry?
No, I wouldn’t.
What’s interesting is that both of these scenarios are equally likely. There is really no way for me to confirm.
So which belief will diffuse my anger?
“I hope his wife is alright,” I told myself and I continued the drive to my friend’s house.
What methods do you use to control your anger? What do you find most effective? For those who try this method, let me know how it worked for you.
(Photo credit: Stress and Anger via Shutterstock)
This does not work in every situation i am still mad
What is the standard being violated?
this made me laugh.
Hi Daisy, I’m glad you enjoyed the article. Laughing is a good thing.
Just the comment by the way. The post was very useful. Thanks ^^
What if your territory is being violated? For instance a house guest that doesn’t follow your rules? In that case, shouldn’t my standards be more important than their standards and my anger would be justified?
Hi Michael,
It sounds like the standard being violated is that you believe someone should respect your rules when they come into your home. Now if someone didn’t have that belief, they would not get angry because they don’t hold the belief that someone that comes to your house should follow your rules.
Think about parents that get angry at kids who don’t follow the rules of the house. They are angry because the kids violated their standard that kids should listen to their parents. At the same time, kids are angry at the parents for violating their standard that they should lead their own life. If they both respected each other’s beliefs as being possible truths, they would not be angry because no standards are being violated.
Let me know if need more clarification.
What about racists? And don’t give me the bull shit about they have different standards, because they shouldn’t and if they do, they need to respect mine and keep it to themselves. So if they don’t I can’t control myself.
Hi Zacharias,
What specifically makes you mad about racists? Which belief of yours are they violating? Is it the belief that we should treat everyone fairly, that we should keep our own controversial beliefs to ourselves or something else altogether? When you are mad, your standards are being violated. There is nothing wrong with holding to your standards but why should the racist or anyone else for that matter follow “your” standards? Who said it is right that they should respect you and keep their comments to themselves?
I get turned off by racists probably just as much as you but I don’t get angry over them. Is it that you “can’t” control yourself or that you don’t know how to or you don’t want to control yourself?
A good question that helps me is: what is the outcome I want and how does being angry help me get it? If it doesn’t help me, what will?
Hope this helps.
This is exactly what I do in meditation and get to the bottom of why I am mad in the first place. However there are many times where I worry that this way of emotionally balancing out anger may lead to people taking advantage of me – Or even deeper, that having this automatic sense of diminished anger may lead to a loss of sight of what is really happening (not in the delusional sense) but more as if obvious signs are pointing to something and you aren’t receiving them logically.
my question being – to what end I suppose.
Hi Arnwong89,
Meditation is an excellent way to focus on the message your anger is giving you. I’m a bit confused in terms of what you are really losing. What situations would you say it helps to be angry? I group anger with depression. It’s something that you don’t have to have. I don’t think it ever makes sense to be depressed. You can be sad over things that happen but you never have to depressed. In the same way, I don’t think it is strange if a person never got angry. I would imagine that person would have standards that allow for other people to have different standards than him/herself.
Maybe what I say is true and maybe it’s not but if it’s all lies, which lie works best for you to help you live your best life.
I agree and disagree. Clarify if you feel I’ve misinterpreted, but what you’ve essentially described is to ‘bottle up your anger.’ Anger is an emotion – you can choose to not feel it, but you can’t choose to not have it. Choosing to not feel it seems unhealthy.
However, I do think that the point about knowing the root of your anger – what belief/value is being violated- is spot on, and helps to diffuse it. The key is having control over it, but you need to allow yourself to feel it and know why you’re feeling it – otherwise it will build up and manifest itself in inappropriate situations.
Hi Daniel,
Thanks for the insightful comment.
Repressing your anger (or any other emotion) is one of the worst things you can do. I am at fault for not making it more clear in my article and introducing my method as an alternative to venting your anger definitely fueled the confusion.
Here is the clarification:
The way to stop being angry is not to pretend to be ok or to ignore how you feel but to diffuse it by realizing that your immediate sensory feelings of anger (shallow breathing, furrowed brow, raised voice, etc.) are merely automatic reactions triggered when a belief that you hold dear has been violated.
The way to diffuse that anger is to challenge the belief behind it. Usually the #1 belief of angry people is “my rules are the truth” and everyone should follow my standards. This type of thinking makes it very easy for other people with different standards to anger you.
People who believe that everyone is entitled to their own truth and give people the benefit of the doubt tend to not get angry because their beliefs are rarely violated. They are flexible to accept the behavior of others as being ok even if it doesn’t match what they would do in that situation.
If a man punches me, I don’t have to get angry. Those who think randomly attacking people are wrong will think I am strange for reacting this way. Now this doesn’t mean I don’t respond and protect myself. I can fight back without being angry. Actually I think anger inhibits you from thinking clearly and taking the best course of action.
Let me know if this clarifies things. This ended up being longer than expected.
Hi, I like your article, but your story doesn’t illustrate the point you made. Your point is that other people are allowed to believe what they believe, and that their life values do not have to be the same ones as yours.
In your story, however, the antidote to your anger was to consider other possibilities of what could have been going on with the driver in question, not that he was operating under a different value system than you. Diffusing your anger came from recognizing that you yourself had ‘created’ and homed in on one of many possible explanations as to why he did what he did.
I do think that both of those approaches are good ones, however, and that depending on the particular situation, can really help to abate angry feelings.
Hi Camille, you’re absolutely right that my article was a bit confusing when tying my example to the point I was making. They can be two different techniques as you pointed out.
The common thread for me was the realization that my anger sent me a message that my belief was being violated in some way. Once I realized it, to dissipate my anger I can either change my belief (there is nothing wrong with people cutting me off on the highway) or change my perception of the situation (he didn’t violate my beliefs, he was rushing home to his pregnant wife). I should have made that distinction in the article.
Thanks for reading and providing this insight. It gave me the opportunity to clarify my ideas further. I’m sure you weren’t the only one who saw the disparity.
so how would someone change this into a different perspective? what happens if the father of your child continually calls your 3 year old son a piece of sh**, often, when hes angry with the child and the wife continually tells him that it bothers her, and the father continuously tells her that he was just angry and didn’t mean it. should the wife just “accept” that, or should she take the child and leave? is there a way to spin this in a different perspective? im trying to help a friend. she says he doesn’t mean it, and its just angry words, however i feel that he is verbally abusive. and should get out before it emotionally scars the child. I’d appreciate any feedback you can give. Thank you.
Hi Crystal, the first thing your friend needs to realize is that she cannot change anyone. She can change how she reacts to it but she cannot stop him from being angry without his permission. Now if her husband does want to change, then he should really look at what standard or value of his is being violated in such a way that he would say such abusive things to his own child. Sometimes people don’t realize what’s making them angry and being aware can diffuse the anger. If he does realize his values being violated, he must make a decision to whether he wants to hold on to those values or evaluate to see if his values are really being violated.
If this continues and the wife doesn’t like it, she always has the choice to do what she wants. She should also understand that she must take full responsibility for the consequences of those actions. This is a tough situation and I can understand your desire to help your friend. Just be careful because you may not know the whole story.
Hi,
I seem to wake up each mornin angry nd tired,
Its been happening for a while now,
Is der anything solution to silence this rage
Hi jonn,
How do you know you are angry in the morning? What are you angry at? Anger usually means one of your standards or beliefs has been violated. Which one was violated?
Yeah, but what if your anger is towards those who are pushing their beliefs of what you should do with your life that may seem good for them, and is easy, but they don’t understand your circumstances that you really can’t do those things? Don’t I have a reason to feel violated? Because it’s happened a lot to me these days.
Hi Kim,
If you’re angry that people are giving you advice or pushing their beliefs on you without understanding your circumstances first, then that tells you that you believe it is wrong to tell people what to do if you don’t know what they’re going through. Now it is only your own belief that someone is violating you when they do that and that’s why you get angry. You can just as easily adopt the belief that “No one can violate you without your permission” and even if people told you what to do, you have the choice to listen or not to listen to them.
You will never be able to change other people’s beliefs if they don’t want to change but you can change how you react and usually reacting in anger doesn’t really get you the outcome that you want. I hope this helps.
Yes, but this is a VERY personal thing that they are telling me to do (i’m not saying what) and it involves many upsetting and interfere with many things in my personal life, and even for my health and wellbeing, and I am someone who simply cannot do it even though it’s easy and simple for them simply because they do not have the issues I do. (In short, it is violating me directly) Even if they don’t understand the circumstances, they SHOULD NOT give advice in my situation. It also involves religious beliefs and reasoning if that’s enough to say that it is pushing unecessary beliefs on me and that it’s violating many things.
I’m just angry that they don’t understand or stop and I have tried many times and can’t seem to explain to them how personal it is without yelling or saying vulgar things. (it’s hard to control my anger because of how violated I feel) That’s not good to do though, and won’t solve anything, I know that.
Again, it involves RELIGIOUS beliefs and expectations on me that are not good suggestions in my case, but good for them.
Anyways, I am just still angry about it and it’s hard to let it go. Do you know a good way to mentally let things go and give your mind a break? You do say truth though, I can choose how I react and it’s still a choice, and they don’t intentionally do it, I know that. I don’t have to listen. It’s hard though because this seems to happen a lot to me considering where I am which is surrounded by these types of religious beliefs and pressures. I can’t move right now though.
Thankyou very much.
Hi Kim,
It’s not easy to change a habit. Right now, you are running an automatic program – other people tell you what to do that are against your beliefs and you get angry. It’s automatic and that makes it frustrating. What can help is being conscious of the anger rising up and consciously thinking about why you are angry.
We know for a fact that no matter what you say or do, you cannot control their actions. It doesn’t even matter what their intentions are. What you may want to focus on is how you can control your reaction. Think about why you care about what these people are saying. Do you want to gain their approval in some way? Do you look up to these people?
If a crazy person you didn’t know came up to you on the street and said the same things, would you react the same way or would you dismiss it as that person being crazy? If you can dismiss it, then you can use the same strategy to deal with this.
Recognize that it’ll take some conscious effort on your part to control your anger. The great thing is once you learn to control it for this, it’ll carry over to any other issue that angers you.
Try it out and let me know how it goes.
I’m travelling right now so it may take me some time to respond.
Hi Kim, the fall campaign of ’40 days for life’ just completed in early October. Based on your comments I can’t help but feel this is related to the situation you are facing. Apologies if it is not, but if so, please know there are organizations that will help you and your baby.
I have done four deployments in the military and I feel angry a lot more often than I used to. I get upset with my wife, kids, coworkers and just basic things in life. It’s almost like the more experiences I have had in life the more impatient I am. Just daily stuff like driving or being at a slow check out can really ruin my day. I am an aircraft maintenance supervisor, so a large part of my job is making sure things are done to a correct and exact standard.
Hi Eric,
Firstly, thank you for all of your service to the US and it’s citizens. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there to protect others.
Anger is usually a sign that a standard of yours is being violated so if your standards are raised due to the nature of your job and environment, they would be violated more often causing you to be angry more often. When you feel yourself beginning to get angry, it may be helpful to take a few seconds to recognize which standard is being violated. This will allow you to see if the standard that you set is valid.
Also, think about the positive intentions your anger may have. Perhaps you think those around you will take what you are saying more seriously if you are angry or being angry shows that you really care. Once you recognize the positive intention, find an alternative way to expres it.
I hope this helps and thank you for your comment.
I get any at my step-kids. And my own kids. I feel like I’m close enough to the situation to KNOW they were being disrespectful on purpose. (My step-daughters live with me full-time and see their mom on weekends.) Their dad works very long hours and sometimes goes weeks without a day off (in order to take several days off at once.) I am their primary caretaker and when they violate my rules, they are doing it on purpose. My husband’s family and ex-wife don’t help matters and they add to the cacophony and my anger builds and explodes at regular intervals.
Having the girls mother step up and take more responsibility is a pipe dream that I have as well. I know what my anger stems from, it’s my inability to control. Why do I have such a strong desire to control things? I want a clean house, and I don’t want to be the one cleaning up after 5 kids. I don’t want to run all over the place as the kids bus service. (I don’t like having to pack 4 other kids up because 1 wants to go somewhere. And I don’t like doing all this for kids that aren’t even mine, and don’t seem to have a grateful bone in their bodies.
I really like your article, it speaks to me. I’ve done the “Maybe her mother’s in the hospital” several times. But I’m having trouble applying this in my current situation.
Thanks for reading this article Patricia. I’m glad you like it.
As for your situation, it is natural to want to be appreciated for all the work that you do. You are strong for continuing to do what you feel is right despite not being respected. I believe that it is impossible to change another person who doesn’t want to be changed but we can change ourselves. Your anger might be one of your strategies to “be heard” because it might have worked in the past or in another context but it doesn’t seem to be working in this situation. Perhaps there is a better way to get through to them.
Assuming that your step-kids, husband, husband’s ex-wife don’t change their ways, there is still the possibility that you can be happy. You might want to change the standard that you set for them as anger is a sign that one of your standards have been violated (probably the one where people should show respect and be grateful when someone else does something for them).
One of the beliefs that really helped me to reduce my anger is realizing that it’s not personal. I used to think anything someone did was personally targeted at me. When I challenged that assumption, I realized many people really don’t know any better and it is not their fault for not knowing what they don’t know. We all come from different backgrounds and expect others to treat us as we treat them but no one said that it has to work that way. I hope this helps.
Nope, still pissed.