It’s so hard to say “no”.
Why?
It makes us feel selfish, guilty, embarrassed even. We don’t want to upset people. We don’t want them to think badly of us. Sometimes it’s simply easier to say “yes,” than to deal with our angst or other people’s reactions. But what is this behavior costing us?
When we give a “yes” when there ought to be a “no”, we give away a little piece of ourselves. We relinquish our power, our control and disrespect our needs by making them less important than the needs of others. We disrespect our needs or wants by making choices that don’t support us. We justify it; it’s just this one time, it’s for a good cause, it won’t take too long, it’s not that big a deal. It is a big deal. Every time you do this, you are making a choice to ignore what your heart, your mind, or your gut is telling you.
The Benefits of “Say No”
- The Stress Factor. Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no” is a major stressor for your mind and body. It causes anxiety, tension, aches and pains, often causes us to lose sleep as well. It’s unquestionably not the lone cause of stress, but it might be among the easiest to control.
- Get Rid of Toxic People. You don’t really want these people in your life anyway, do you? These are advantage takers, the leechers, the complainers, the gossip-mongers, the responsibility-duckers. They are master manipulators who use guilt and manipulation to pressure you into a “yes.” If you consistently give a firm “no” they’ll eventually go away and find some other, weaker target.
- Save Time. We only have so many hours in the day. We can’t do anything about that, but we can control how we use that time. Don’t let others determine your to-do list or set your set agenda. You are giving away your precious time! It’s important to use your time in the way that honors your priorities, helps you reach your goals and serves your needs. You decide what’s worth your time and what’s not.
- More Energy. Taking on things that you don’t want to do or don’t have time for, wastes valuable energy that you could be spending on those things you do care about. Pour that energy into doing a better job on those activities that you really must do or choose to do. More energy helps you feel better, be happier, and have greater productivity.
- Increase Focus. Say “yes” to people and things that are relevant to your goals. Say “no” to those things take you away from your goals and make you lose your focus. Focus on those things that help you learn and grow both personally and professionally, things that spark your interests or speak to you in some way. Whenever it’s possible, say “no” to everything else.
- Gain Strength. Every time you say “no” to others, you’re saying “yes” to yourself. You’re taking back control of your life by not allowing others to make decisions for you. You gain confidence when you stand firm and honor your boundaries. Surprisingly you also gain the respect. When you’re clear and firm about you will and won’t do, people actually respect you more. They may be unhappy with you, but they’ll respect you.
- Enjoy Life More. Life is so much more enjoyable when you begin to say “No” to things that drain you. The same is true in your work life. If you make an effort to try to limit your time and effort to work activities that enjoy or that you actually are responsible for, you’ll find that work is much more fun.
It gets easier to give the “no,” the more often you do. It’ll probably be uncomfortable for a while. We squirm at the thought of disappointing others, even when we’re letting ourselves down in the process. Your needs, your time, your goals, and what’s important in your life have to be your decision-making guides. It just takes some getting used to.
Repeat after me: “NO.” You can do it!
Featured photo credit: Serious pretty woman making stop hand sign via Shutterstock
Very powerful and very true.
It is all about staying focused on your goal.
The best time to say no is the start of a friendship.
Sometimes a friendship starts by someone asking us a favour in which we end up losing. We may think that as time goes on, we can tell this person “no”; but the more we become friends with them, the harder It is to say no.
Any relationship / friendship is based on give and take. If we are giving more than we gain, then we just end up being frustrated, but still keep being friends – which isn’t sustainable
If you establish certain rules initially, it is better for both parties involved
I could not agree more!
Thank you, this really fits. Saying No with courtesy and integrity is liberating.
Hi Royale. I love the post title and article. Too often, a misplaced, misguided yet well-intentioned yes turns into an account receivable with no intention, ability or willingness to pay (toxic clients and we have all been there unfortunately).
Time, though no always recognized for it, is by far our most valuable, scarce resource. Once spent, time can never be recovered. To quote one of my favorite Kansas songs, Dust in the Wind, “all your money won’t another minute buy.”
Sometimes just saying no to the wrong opportunities will itself create other opportunities that would have otherwise become opportunity costs.
Thanks for sharing.
one of my favorite songs too. wise words. good on you.
It is 3am in the morning and I am awake worrying about all the things I have said “yes” to. Then I stumble across this post. Is this the turning point? Only time will tell. Thanks for giving me what I consider crucial advice.
Let me tell you that I have been there…staring at the ceiling. Over-commitment causes me a great deal of anxiety, so in essence I wrote the post for myself and thought I probably wasn’t the only one who needed to hear it!
Royale
Royale, thanks for your response. It is very true that you teach best what you most need to learn. I am a uni lecturer (Melbourne) and I find this very often. I read your ‘about me’ – what an inspiration you are! You are doing great work – keep going.
Love your message, Royale. ever since I read Bill Ury’s book The Power of a Positive No, I’ve become a great fan of saying No often and well. As you point out, saying No to requests that don’t align is also saying Yes to what is most deeply important to us. Knowing your values and your goals provides the clarity needed to say No well.
I’m going to have to read that book! Thanks!
Royale
One little trick I’ve found helps a great deal is to say, “No,” as quickly as possible.
If you wait to say, “No,” you’ll have to struggle with feeling guilty longer and will annoy the other person more.
To your brilliance!
Elizabeth Grace Saunders
This is a great post! Another reason to say no is to instill credibility. If you know when something isn’t a good idea, sometimes “no” is the better alternative.
Most of our enlightened level of positive sharing communication is silent signals?
To say such a thing outwardly as no removes the mystery of the progression of the individual’s freedom at play as give and take respecting of free will trust and coming to their awareness as Life would have it not your will overruling their own. If it finally needs be decided to be outwardly said, the art of communication or loving trust has already been overlooked..?
What are you doing with such individuals in your life..?
If you have to exercise measures of power over someone’s free will, you are going to have to plan to subsequently let the flow of power through to back it up which may not be called for as it may be adding fuel to the fire they are at near max in dealing with as things in their own life..?