What to Do When It’s All Too Much
Things have been pretty hectic around here. We lifehackistes talk about and write about productivity as a way of dealing with the everyday distractions and time-sinks that prevent us from getting our important work done — whether that’s career-related tasks or following our personal goals. But what happens when everything falls apart? When disaster strikes and it takes everything you have to deal with it?
I don’t want to get too much into my personal and family life here — suffice it to say that we’re facing some situations that promise to emotionally scar my step-children for life, and minimizing the damage is obviously the first priority. Dealing with it means often reacting to immediate situations, and where kids are involved you can’t schedule dealing with interruptions for later or plan around them. There’s an emotional toll, as well, that makes the trivialities of everyday life and work rather harder to face.
And yet, I can’t drop out of anything either. My work and my partner’s work is what pays the bills and keeps our family fed. Miraculously, I’m managing to keep on top of most things and to get the important stuff done. Here’s a few of the things I’ve learned about staying afloat when the world is collapsing around you:
- Have strong routines. Because I’ve spent the last couple of years building strong routines, scheduling everything from work and travel time to shopping and even goofing off, I don’t have to think about that now when my intellectual and emotional energies are needed elsewhere. Everything I need to work on is written down, so I don’t have to obsess over what I need to do next or what I am not doing that I should be — nothing’s getting forgotten, even if it takes longer to get to it than it normally would. Developing good practices when things are going your way helps dramatically when things aren’t going your way.
- Prioritize. I’ll admit, I’m not very systematic in the way I handle prioritization. I don’t use Covey’s quadrants or assign priorities in my todo lists. I had started a few months ago using the idea of MITs (Most Important Tasks), where each night (or first thing in the morning) you write down the 3-5 tasks that are most important to get done in the following day. The idea is, if you get just those things done, you’ve had a good day. Taking a few minutes to figure out what you have to do tomorrow or today is essential to weathering a disaster — or rather, taking a moment to decide what you can manage without doing. I can’t miss class — the consequences for my students are too extreme and take too much work to deal with — but I can miss watching a video I’m evaluating to show my students, or a trip to the library to do research for a paper due in 6 months.
- Procrastinate. That’s right, I said “procrastinate”. We spend a lot of time here at lifehack.org and other personal productivity sites looking for ways to combat procrastination, but sometimes it can be adaptive to put off work you just can’t focus on right now. Knowing your priorities is important, of course — don’t put off the essential stuff. But for the little things, promise yourself a weekend day, or the next quiet evening (whenever that comes), to catch up. Accept that you’re procrastinating, embrace it even, so your mind can let go of the anxiety and you can focus on what’s truly important right now.
- Batch tasks. When you don’t know what new trauma tomorrow will bring, you have to take advantage of the quiet moments when they happen. Catch up on all the things you’ve put off over the last few days. Minimize your shopping list and do it all at once. Carry work with you in case a free moment arrives (waiting on line at the court house is a good time to get some reading done, for example).
- Rely on others. This means two things. First, delegate stuff you wouldn’t normally delegate. Say “no” more often than you normally would, even when that means someone else has to take up the slack. Explain yourself if you have to, but don’t feel pressured to take time away from where it’s most needed. Second, lean on the people closest to you for support. Tell your family and friends what’s going on, and be open with people about how you’re feeling. Dealing with traumatic situations takes a lot more out of us than we think, and the people who care about us are more important in these times than ever. A lot of times, we don’t want to “burden” them with our problems, but that’s just asking for a breakdown — give them an opportunity to take some of that burden off your shoulders so you can deal with whatever problems you’re facing. (Men, this counts doubly for you — everything in our society says we’re not allowed to need help, but there are things bigger than we can manage, and where others like children are involved, denying help can put them at risk.)
The idea is to keep as much of your energy and attention focused on dealing with the problems at hand while still meeting the obligations you can’t afford to let slide. It’s still hard — that’s just the nature of big problems — but it’s harder still when a disaster in one area of your life sets off a domino effect that ripples through every other area of your life. If you can keep things moving along, even if you can’t afford to keep your normal pace, you’ll be better able to face the disaster in front of you and to pick up the pieces afterward. Since I’m in the middle of this, I’d love to hear any other general advice people have for making your way in the face of disaster. Let us know your tips in the comments!
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Comments
Jethro says on October 22nd, 2007 at 10:19 am
Do The Work of Byron Katie. Its the best thing I have ever found for cutting through stress.
http://www.thework.com
http://www.byronkatie.com
Peter Fitzgerald says on October 22nd, 2007 at 10:40 am
There aren’t simple answers to big life events and crises as you’ve indicated. I’ve had some great opportunities to learn from events visited upon my family and myself. From that perspective I’ll offer what I can.
1. Find time for yourself. It’s easy to get caught up in being the support, the rock, the helper without maintaining your own balance and breathing room.
2. Find time for your partner/significant other/spouse. Problems expand exponentially when you’re under stress, and that goes doubly or triply for your relationships. Much as the kids need your help and attention, you and your partner need to stay connected.
3. Get sleep. Enough’s been said on this, but it’s really important.
Good luck. Personal troubles are never easy, nor can they be made terribly much easier by anyone on the outside. At the same time, I hope that there’s a visible light at the end of the tunnel.
kate says on October 22nd, 2007 at 10:45 am
make sure you take some time for yourself a) doing nothing b) being out in nature and c) being grateful
yes, these may sound basic but during stressful times moreso than ever, it’s important to stay balanced and grounded. Otherwise it’s too easy for everything to come crashing in around us. WHAT happens we may not have control over in our lives, but we have complete control over how we respond to these things.
Juggling Frogs says on October 22nd, 2007 at 10:55 am
I’m sorry you’re experiencing such a difficult time.
May you find the wisdom, strength, and courage to handle your family’s crisis in the best way possible.
I agree with all the items in your coping strategy. Remember to breathe, and to enjoy the good moments in the midst of (and depsite) the disaster.
You might be surprised at the number and quality of the poignant, beautiful moments in the midst of a storm.
Hugh Simpson says on October 22nd, 2007 at 11:37 am
I highly recommend the 4 Hour Work Week book! He has some of the best info and tips I have seen in a long time. I’m not easily swayed by hype since I’m a former TV consumer investigative reporter for Post Newsweek TV.
I also highly recommend Katie’s The Work!
Sophie says on October 22nd, 2007 at 12:12 pm
If more than one or two people outside the household need to be kept “in the loop” about a family crisis as it is unfolding, it is really helpful to communicate news and needs through frequent mass e-mails (or posts to a password-protected blog, or whatever). It’s efficient AND it protects you against the need to discuss the situation over and over again and to respond appropriately again and again to the same expressions of sympathy, offers of assistance, etc. - which can be emotionally exhausting as well as time consuming.
Chief Family Officer says on October 22nd, 2007 at 1:34 pm
Depending on the kind of crisis, it can be helpful to have someone outside the immediate family as a “contact person” that other people can call when they want an update, leaving you to focus on the matter at hand. (Don’t forget to change the message on your answering machine/voicemail and don’t pick up the phone unless you want to.)
If friends offer to help, accept. If friends ask what they can do, don’t be afraid to ask - cook/bring dinner, clean the house, do some laundry, babysit for an hour or two so you can take a nap or catch up on a task. If it makes you uncomfortable, you can preface your acceptance with, “Please tell me if this is too much/the timing is bad” etc.
Mostly I just wanted to offer support and luck in getting through this difficult time.
Shawna R. B. Atteberry says on October 22nd, 2007 at 1:45 pm
I agree with those who said make time for yourself and breathe. Making sure I’m breathing deep and all the way down to the bottom of my lungs relieves a lot of stress and anxiety. I also have to meditate everyday, or I’m no good to anyone.
Dustin Wax says on October 22nd, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Thanks to everyone so far for their comments — I should have remembered to add “make time for yourself” to the list, which is very important and very, very difficult to do when you’re in crisis mode. It feels like an abdication of responsibility, even a waste of time, and yet it’s so crucial not just to keep your nerves from frazzling entirely but to gain a little space between yourself and your crisis, to be able to step back and see the big picture.
Thanks again, to everyone who’s contributed so far.
Marie says on October 22nd, 2007 at 7:56 pm
as silly as it might sound- take vitamins.
emotional and mental stress can wreck havoc on your body, and at a time when you are trying to focus on a problem like that, having your physical body be in distress can be too much to bear.
best luck to you and your loved ones.
clay says on October 22nd, 2007 at 11:23 pm
Many good suggestions here, especially the breathing. Slow, deep breathing is one of the simplest and most profound things you can do for yourself. If nothing else, it will increase O2 concentration in the blood that will help increase clarity and combat anxiety cycles.
When things were collapsing around me, I found a lot of help in the books of Pema Chodron, especially “When Things Fall Apart.”
Another thing I have found to help is spending time around bodies of water, whether lakes, rivers or just fountains. Moving water is best; there just seems to be an almost literal washing away of cares and concerns, if only for a short time.
I wish you and yours the best.
Martin Wildam says on October 23rd, 2007 at 6:55 am
Review your (life) goals. - Time is a limited resource. If you find to face too many tasks and too many problems it might be that according to what happened you find that other things in life are more important.
Sometimes big things happen in life that trigger big changes in thinking and such events sometimes gives our life a new orientation.
With changed orientation probably a lot of tasks don’t only get a lower priority - they probably disappear completely.
cathy says on October 23rd, 2007 at 2:52 pm
I very much agree with the method of Prioritizing by fixing on the 3-5 tasks that are most important. I might add, start and finish the one that seems the most daunting first. Once you push through something that appears the most difficult, everything else seems easy.
Oh,yea and do take the time to breathe.
Jennifer Mannion says on October 24th, 2007 at 7:27 am
Hi,
I agree the time for yourself is key as well as time with your spouse. I know what also works for me (a mom of an 8 and a 4 year old) is to schedule time to work when it is quiet (in my house that is not often). I’d rather get up before my family or work after they are asleep (mornings work better as my mind isn’t as bogged down in the daily events and as tired). Also breaks for a walk or some deep breaths is key for me. I also suggest breaking tasks into mini-goals so you can check off the steps it took to get to the big accomplishment and be even prouder of yourself! GREAT post!
Ellen says on October 24th, 2007 at 11:26 am
The kids, the kids, the kids, don’t forget to listen to the kids! I’ve had more than my share of crisis and disaster and I agree with all the posts here (esp, vitamins, breathing, and Pema Chodron) but for me it was the kids that got me through it all. The worse things were, the more time I spent with them at the end of the day, reading, singing, talking and above all, listening. From those moments I gained insight into their fears, (and helped mitigate them somewhat), and also learned valuable truths that only come “from the mouths of babes”. At age five, my son looked me in the eye, patted my hand, and said “mom, life is life.” Which recalled words from my mother “this, too, shall pass”. These moments become lifelines in a storm.
Sending light and love to you and your family in hopes that these times pass quickly for you all.
Vicki Bamman says on October 26th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
Think back to previous crises and try to remember what helped then. Make a list of things you must do every day, a checklist if necessary, and do those things! That way, in crisis mode, you don’t neglect self care or care of others. Like Ellen, I have had more than my share of crises, and I maintain several checklists. One is for going to the emergency room (nine trips in three months), one is for when my husband is in the hospital, and so on, the “predictable” crises.
One of my lists starts out:
go to the bathroom
dress
drink water
walk 1/2 mile
do stretches
drink water
shower
put on clean ironed clothes appropriate for the day’s activities
drink water while fixing breakfast
– fruit juice
– skim milk
– high fiber cereal
take vitamins and supplements
– multivitamin
– calcium and Vitamin D
– garlic, etc
drink water
The combination of things I’m going to do anyway — like going to the bathroom and getting dressed — with things I need to do to take care of myself helps keep me moving through the list.
The list also includes things for others so that I am taking care of myself and others. In times of crisis, it is easy to feel like you can’t take time for yourself because others need you. I try to combine things: that half-mile walk might be to the convenience store to get something another person needs. My time for doing stretches might be combined with his need to do some physical activity.
It is important to remember when others depend on you that you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of them.
One time I got the doctor to sign off on my self-care plan, which included a 20-minute nap! That way, it had the force of “doctor’s orders” and I really had to do it.
The most important things you need when it is all too much are: spiritual connection, support from people around you, and support from yourself!
Matt says on October 27th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
Sometimes, in that procrastination, things work themselves out without your intervention. I’m in a job where I provide support to users of web-based course management systems in a large University. If I’m feeling overwhelmed, I put down the day-to-day support (which always seems like an emergency to my users) and work on long-term projects. When I come back and get going again on these support requests, users may have already worked out the problem on their own, or sought the advice of a peer. This job could take me 100 hours a week if I let it. Sometimes it pays to slow down! (I’m not suggesting you just let things go for days at a time, just let them go for a few hours or day.)
Hazel says on October 28th, 2007 at 4:47 am
Apart from echoing most of what’s been said already — rejecting the “read this, that or the other” — I’d add the word “compartment”.
A family crisis can, if you let it, drain all your energy. Yes, I know it’s hard, VERY hard, not to worry about the situation and spend time predicting scenarios far worse than anything that can possibly happen but put that into a compartment and close the door! Trunk it, box it, whatever. The only time you take “the situation” out is when you schedule time for it — or the children / spouse / family need you in their “take out” time.
I hope this helps.
Love and prayers to you all.
Me says on June 17th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Thanks for this post. Eight months later I really needed it.