Becoming a Great Step-Dad
The biggest change I made this year, and maybe in my life, is becoming a step-dad. Moving in with my partner meant making a commitment to her three children, a commitment that turned out to mean a heck of a lot more after I made it than I had thought it would.
Becoming a step-dad is akin to becoming a father, but there are a few important differences that I’ve learned matter a lot. For one thing, it happens pretty quickly — one minute you’re single, the next minute you are surrounded by children in varying stages of development. There’s no slowly growing into your role or nine months of anticipation.
Here’s a few of the other things I’ve learned over the last half-year. Of course, this is by no means a complete list — anyone with children knows that the second you think you’ve got things down, everything changes. But I do have a great relationship with my step-children, something I really hadn’t expected. I’m not sure I’m a great step-father just yet, but I do think I’m becoming one.
Your love has no bounds, but your authority does.
Recognize early on the limits of your authority. Even now, most of my authority in our house is borrowed from their mother — I’ve actually caught myself on the verge of saying “just wait until your mother comes home”! I simply don’t pull much weight; instead, I have learned to be reasonable, to remind them of chores instead of demanding they get to work, and as much as possible to show them that what I have to say is sensible.
Don’t be Dad.
One of the big things that separates step-fatherhood from fatherhood is that your step-children (in most cases) already have fathers. Fathers that, chances are, they love very much. Fathers whose authority is much better established than yours. Whatever you do, don’t try to step into his place!
This means, first and foremost, don’t ask them to call you “Dad”. My step-kids’ step-mother tried to insist they call her “Mom”; it’s been several years, and there’s still a lot of resentment there. It may well happen that the kids slip up and call you “Dad” and that’s a great feeling, but don’t be selfish and demand it.
Likewise, don’t be too quick to dole out punishments. Remember, you don’t have a lot of authority; putting yourself in the role of Enforcer isn’t going to help. Instead, they’ll just learn to fear you. Give advice, offer firm warnings, and when things get out of hand, sit down with mom and present a unified front.
Finally, don’t ever badmouth their dad, no matter how much of a jerk he is. Usually they’ll side with dad, which leaves you screwed; but even if they don’t, you have no right to interfere in that relationship.
Be a Dad.
While insisting on being called “Dad” is a bad idea, that doesn’t excuse you from actually being a dad. Act responsibly, be there for the kids when they need you, share their joys and sorrows with them, build them up as much as you can, help them with their homework, offer advice, explain how things work, organize their day, and so on — all the things you’d do if you were their actual father. And do that knowing that you probably won’t get much attention or appreciation for it, because it’s the right thing to do.
Have one-on-one time.
One of the biggest steps I’ve taken in my relationship with my step-daughter was taking her with me on Take Your Child to Work Day. Mom works in a high-security area (for some reason, the kids haven’t gone through the FBI’s screening yet…), dad’s company forbids children on site, so I volunteered to take her to class with me. We had a great time getting to know each other outside of the hubbub of a house full of family, pets, and friends.
It’s easy to use mom as a shield to avoid getting to close to your step-children; take some time alone with your step-children to interact with them as individuals instead of as “family”.
Don’t talk down to them.
One of my rules in life is “never talk down to children or animals”. I tend to use the same vocabulary around my step-kids I use in the rest of my life (though I make sure to define or explain things that are clearly above their heads). I involve the kids in decisions, let them know what I’m doing each day (I have a different schedule every day), and just generally treat them as equals in conversation.
Listen.
You’re in this together, you and your step-children — both of you have to work out the whole step-relationship thing, and it’s not easy. So make sure you listen and respond to their concerns. Don’t ever think you have nothing to learn from them — chances are, they’ll figure this stuff out faster than you and can show you a thing or two about being a step-dad.
Take cues from mom.
When I first moved in I spent a bit of time reading some of the step-parenting forums and websites on the Web, and was shocked by how many times I came across complaints about how “mom is spoiling these kids” or “mom doesn’t keep discipline” or whatever. Keep in mind that mom and your step-kids have worked out a living arrangement over years that may not make much sense to you at first but which makes sense to them. Deal with major disagreements out of earshot of the kids; in everything else, follow mom’s lead.
Can’t Buy Me Love
Don’t try to win them over with gifts, trips to the amusement park, or whatever. First of all, most kids are pretty savvy and will end up using your over-eagerness to manipulate you; second of all, you’ll rest your relationship on a foundation that you can’t possibly keep up — eventually you’ll run out of gifts to give and they’ll start resenting you.
Share
Be open about your life, career, likes and dislikes, and interests — and make an effort to learn about theirs. Take part in their activities and involve them in yours. Not only will you find some common ground to connect on, but you’ll be able to take part in their development as people, which is what this is all about.
And, finally, forgive. Forgive them for being difficult, forgive mom for not always lending you a hand when you’re lost, forgive their friends for not understanding your new place in your kids’ home, and most of all, forgive yourself. You are going to make a lot of mistakes, just like I did. And am. And will. Accept that you and everyone else involved will experience failures — learn from them and move on, so you can embrace the joys and rewards of becoming a great step-dad.
[Note: I'm sure most of this would apply equally to becoming a step-mom, so feel free to change the genders accordingly.]
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Comments
Mary says on July 23rd, 2007 at 12:06 pm
I really appreciate this article. I forwarded the link to my husband. We struggle with parenting, as he and I see things very differently. Overall, though, he is a good step-dad. I just think this might give him the nudge to being a great step-dad.
Red Zinnia says on July 23rd, 2007 at 2:53 pm
Excellent article. My husband and I have a step-family, and there’s no doubt it’s tough ~ but it’s worth the effort. Sounds like you’re doing a great job.
Sarah says on July 23rd, 2007 at 5:24 pm
I just wanted to say that this is a great article. You sound like you’ll do a great job, and anyone taking on a step-family could do a lot worse than to follow this advice. My own dad (step-father, really) behaved in a similar way to this, and we couldn’t love and respect him any more than we do!
raj says on July 24th, 2007 at 12:51 am
Dustin, what beautiful advice. Best of luck in your relationships with your new family.
John M says on July 25th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
How about “Not getting divorced in the first place so as not to create step children” or “Don’t marry somebody with kid baggage”.
Sheesh. We’ve forgotten all about how to make adult decisions and instead just focus on being “In Looooove”…
Dustin Wax says on July 25th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Referring to children as “kid baggage” is hardly the hallmark of someone capable of making adult decisions — which is also true of the simplistic thinking behind the idea that people shouldn’t get divorced.
Just in case anyone was wondering…
Kathy says on August 2nd, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Beautifully written! I have a wonderful man in my life who one day will be Step Dad to my 3 young daughters. I have printed this article out for him to read. I think he will find this very helpful as we transition into our new life together as a family. Thank you!
Taylor says on August 17th, 2007 at 10:51 am
I have met a fantastic woman and we will be getting married in the next year or so. I have always been good with kids but its a big changed thinking that I will be a step father to her 3 year old son. I found your article very useful and I was pleased to see that a lot of the things I was thinking you referred to I hope that I can manage to be a good step father and hopefully a great one as well. Thanks for the article!
Yellek says on August 20th, 2007 at 1:15 am
With respect to “Don’t be dad” what does someone do if they and their partner have more children? In that case they would be calling you dad and the step children would not. My fiance and I have decided to let (not force) my future step children to call me dad to remove this possible source of division and inequality in the future. I’d hate to be making a distinction between different sets of children when they are all part of the one family.
Dustin Wax says on August 20th, 2007 at 1:41 am
Yellek,
My point was not to try to force the “dad” role on the kid, or to replace their actul dad. There are, of course, exceptions — kids whose dad is out of the picture entirely, for whatever reason, for example. If the kids come to call you (or me) dad, fine — if not, that’s fine, too.
But I think, too, there’s always going to be a distinction there (again, unless their actual dad is totally out of the picture). Some members of your family are going to have another dad, and some aren’t, and kids are smart enough to recognize that this means something. What it means, exactly, is up to us t shape — if you let them think that the “step-” role is something lesser, then it’s going to matter a whole lot. If you make sure that whether they are step-children or birth-children to you doesn’t change the way they’re treated, then I don’t think it’s going to matter a great deal. Like I said, immediately after “don’t be dad”, regardless of what they call us, it’s our responsibility to act as fathers.
Kate says on November 30th, 2007 at 12:31 am
Great article! The best thing both of my step-parents did early on was tell me that they are not my parent but my ’special friend.’ Boundaries are good. I am an adult, and my stepdad still runs certain things to me through my mom (e.g. when I was living there for a few months after college, any housekeeping issues would come from her).
It is good for kids to have a non-parent adult in their lives. As an adult, I have found that my relationship with my stepmom has cooled a little (having new kids changed things some) and I have become closer to my stepdad than when I was a kid. I don’t spend any one-on-one time with him really, but I respect the way he treats my mother, and he has been there for me in ways my real dad has not. I know I have a special place in his life.
Brad says on February 7th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Thank you for this article! May I link to it in my Blog? http://www.stepdaddyblog.com
Dustin Wax says on February 7th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Brad,
Absolutely, and check out my stepdadding blog at stepdadding.com — we might be the only two (and I haven’t updated in weeks)!
Brad says on February 8th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Dustin,
Added! I look forward to reading your blog as well!
Brad
Duff says on March 27th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Great article. I too am in an step-fathering role, and I’ve found it challenging.
I found an interesting book on Amazon called Keys to Successful Stepfathering that you might want to check out. It helped me to feel normal with the complex dynamics and ambivalence all parties feel in step-parent scenarios.
Jake says on April 15th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Dustin –
Great article. I am a step-dad to a 3.5 year old. I have found many ways to influence his life while being “a dad”. I think I am very lucky in that he is very young and impressionable. He looks up to me and we have a great deal of fun as a family.
However, while somethings are easier to deal with because of his young age I find myself fearing the future. Does anyone have any suggestions short of moving farther away from his bio-dad to help curtail the “blow back” that I might encounter later on?
-Jake
Dustin Wax says on April 15th, 2008 at 8:37 pm
Jake: It’s not clear if you’re expecting “blow-back” from the bio-dad or the child, but I think you just have to expect it from both. The reality is that birth parents get all manner of defiance from their kids; step-parents have to expect that, plus a little “you’re not my mom/dad” too. They’re kids; people do what they can and hope for the best.
As far as the dad is concerned, I’ve tried to set clear boundaries and follow my partner’s lead; there’s still going to be friction, but he’s really not part of your life, he’s part of *her* life. They have to work out how things are going to work and how you fit in.
Hardly satisfying advice, I know, but so much of step-adding is seat-of-the-pants flying…
Jake says on April 17th, 2008 at 9:57 am
Thanks for the advice. As always, I will take everything one step at a time.
JF says on May 20th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Dustin,
Thank you for your article. I’ve been recently engaged to a beautiful womam with a wonderful daughter and I’m very much determined to be as good of a step dad as I can. Your article is really helping me try to achieve this goal. It won’t be easy, but you gave me some good advice. Thank you! JF
Andy says on August 20th, 2008 at 2:38 pm
This is a really good article…really helped me out with what i’m struggling with right now
jason says on September 15th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
i thought the article was good. it made me realize as i was reading it that the biggest problem is that i dont want to be a step-dad. I want to be dad!
Maggie says on November 29th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
This is so good. I am a single girl who has never been married and has no kids who’s engaged to a guy with two kids that I typically get along with very well. I just came home (their home) from a trip to a disastrous evening and am feeling sad and lost. Your article really helped me. Thank you very much. I feel like I need a lot of help.
CC says on April 2nd, 2009 at 8:41 pm
you’re off base, friendo
Kelly says on May 1st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Great article!!!
Vicki says on June 2nd, 2009 at 12:47 am
You’re not off base “friendo”, you are right on the money. I live this every day and have thought about leaving my husband of six years, because he has done ALL of the right things. I’m printing this off and giving it to him. Great article! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kaite says on June 14th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
There are many excellent points in this article. For me, key is the spending time and helping the kids get to know step-dad as a person so that they can perhaps understand what mum sees in him. Step dad here tends to be distant and only talks to my kids, it seems, when table manners are adrift so what they see is very skewed. I hope that by sharing this article with kids and step dad we can move out of the hole that we’re in right now.
TYRIQUE says on November 7th, 2009 at 5:10 am
I`ve just met a loving woman who has a child and i dont which for me is a huge step in terms of commiting to her and the baby but for me its quite a good feeling because it would be my first time having someone call me dad,it trully is a goodfeeling and i would never ever let anything come between me,my woman and step daughter..they both mean the world to me and im planning to surprise the love of my life with a proposal for marriage..i just read through this artcle and im was very inspired and i would also love to say keep up the good work..