One of the most common expressions parents can be heard saying is, “I don’t understand why he’s/she’s doing that”. There are eight, very common reasons why children misbehave. It is extremely useful for parents to know these because if they can pinpoint the root cause of the misbehavior, they can be more successful at reducing it.
Listed here are the eight most common reasons why children misbehave and a solution to help reduce or eliminate the problem:
1) They want to test whether caregivers will enforce rules.
Children’s main job is to figure out how their complex world works. In order to master the things they need to at each developmental level they will test their parents. They are literally trying to see where the boundaries are, or, if they exist at all. Although testing is frustrating for parents they should know that it is normal and that this is their chance to really make a difference in their child’s life.
How? By setting boundaries and limits and consistently following through on them. This way, their children will adopt positive values and gain self-esteem
2) They experience different sets of expectations between school and home.
Consistency is hugely important in making a child feel safe and secure and able to have a comfortable understanding of the world and how it works. If they are receiving mixed messages from home and school they will feel uneasy inside and express this through more testing than normal and will feel an inner sense of stress.
The best thing a parent can do is learn a simple method to discipline and then have a conversation with their child’s teacher. During this conversation, the parents should explain their method and ask how the teacher handles situations. The goal is to try and use some of the same language at both the school and at home. With a consistent, clear message, children will rise to the expectation and be happier in the process.
3) They do not understand the rules, or are held to expectations that are beyond their developmental levels.
Sometimes, parent expectations go beyond their child’s abilities. Discipline and guidance strategies should always take into account the child’s developmental level. For example, it would be unreasonable to tell a 2 year old to clean up his room and expect that he will finish the job. At this age, children need a lot of support and guidance to do a job like this.
Reading books about what children can do at each age is helpful with this problem so that parents can know what is developmentally appropriate for them to expect of their child.
4) They want to assert themselves and their independence.
Children begin to show their desire for more independence at around age two. They start to want control over certain areas of their life so that they can feel capable and independent. It doesn’t take long for children to identify the areas they CAN control, much to the chagrin of parents. Situations like eating, sleeping, brushing teeth, and dressing are great examples of times when children recognize their power to get you upset and therefore make them feel in control.
What is the solution? Give them loads of choice in their daily life so that they feel in control of their life in other, more positive ways. As well, it is key to learn a simple, loving method to discipline so that misbehavior are taken care of easily, without any emotion required. Without emotion, there is no reason for the child to want to rebel in order to gain control.
5) They feel ill, bored, hungry or sleepy.
When children’s basic needs aren’t met regularly each day they are always more likely to misbehave, cry, throw a tantrum, etc.
The solution to this is simple: have a routine where the child eats, has individual play time, parent and child play or interaction time and sleeps.
6) They lack accurate information and prior experience.
When children do something such as go to cross a road for the first time, they do not know that they are supposed to look both ways, so we all know that we must explain to them to look left and look right, etc. However, the same technique needs to be applied to discipline situations. Children will repeat a behavior over and over until they have accurate information as to what they should be doing instead and prior experience of the consequence if they continue the behavior.
Using clear, concise language stating what they “need” to be doing rather than what they “shouldn’t” be doing is extremely important. Better to say, “Carry this carefully”, rather than, “Don’t drop this”. In other words, give them something to use as prior knowledge for next time.
7) They have been previously “rewarded” for their misbehavior with adult attention.
No parent would ever think of purposefully rewarding bad behavior, but it subtly happens quite often.
Remember, negative attention is still attention so if they misbehave and their parent either yells or spanks, they have just been rewarded.
If the child whines, cries or throws a tantrum and mom or dad eventually gives in to make them become quiet, they have just been rewarded.
The solution? Say what you expect without emotion and then follow through consistently if they continue the negative behavior. The two keys here are: no emotion and little talking.
8) They copy the actions of their parents.
The best teacher of how to misbehave or act and speak inappropriately is by watching mom or dad misbehave or act and speak inappropriately. Remember, what children see and experience in the home is what their normal is. So, if they see mom and dad yelling, they will yell. If they get spanked, they will likely use hitting to express their anger or frustration. If they hear, “What?” instead of “Pardon?” that is what they will use. How can we expect any different?
Although not always simple, parents need to look at parenting as a life lesson in personal growth. I always say that children can make open and willing parents into the best human beings in the world because they have the opportunity to practice being their best selves every single day of the year. Looking at parenting this way makes it easier to catch oneself more often and start demonstrating good behavior by modeling it.
Image: MagnusRules
The best suggestion I saw here was your idea of speaking to the kids and using a similar method of discipline that the teacher uses at school. It will require a little effort on the front end, but pay huge dividends over the long run.
I was the only child in my family and I clearly remember how I was bored at times. I would go to my mom then to my dad asking them to play with me, but they always were busy with something. I did not have any toys that would keep me not only busy for a little bit, but something educational. My parents did not read to me either (then they were surprised that I was not interested in anything letter on). I would get so bored that I would start screaming. It would drive my mom crazy and she would through me in the bathroom and close the door. I would get scared and start screaming even more and she would turn lights off so I stop my misbehavior. I would get so scared I was shaking; I would start begging her to let me out. I end up with pretty bad claustrophobia and fear of dark. She loved me and she is a nice person. It just was very stressful for her and she would snap. Also, at that time there was no education about good parenting and she was very young. I talked to her when I was 20 years old and she felt bad to hear about the damage she’s done to me. Now I have a child and I left my full time job to give him more time then I got as a child. But I can see now how hard it is to control your emotions. I think my past makes it harder. This information is very helpful for any parent.
[...] 8 Reasons Why Children Misbehave (With Solutions!) (lifehack.org) [...]
It scares me that people need to be told all this (which are all very good points by the way).
I knew it all along. The parent’s are at fault !
The overall thought I gathered here is: while respecting the intelligence of our children we shouldn’t expect them to be mini-adults.
And consistency is the watchword. Loving, befriending, and guiding our children consistently.
[...] 8 Reasons Why Children Misbehave (With Solutions!) [...]
I see some very passive parents (and grandparents!) who shrug helplessly when the child in their care misbehaves.
Perhaps they did not receive consistent guidance as children; and now they may be bombarded with a welter of advice.
Phrasing instructions properly is very important and often under appreciated. The mind, both adult and child, does not know how to evaluate a negative (“don’t drop this”) without first evaluating what the affirmative part(“drop this”) means. Sometimes it’s difficult, but you should always tell a child what to do in the affirmative, like “hold tight” instead of “don’t let go”.
We often set children up to fail by not giving clear instructions, and then following through by checking that they have done what has been asked of them. Age appropriate praise and compliments also help their self esteem and reinforce good behavior – you catch more flies with honey than vinegar!
I dont have child yet, but I will keep this post for future. Thanks for share
This is really good. #8 really should be #1.
I think “thirsty” should be added to #5 – too often we forget that maybe just come cool water might be a solution (especially after a rousing romp of jumping on the bed).
But I think there should be a #9 – My husband loves our son very much, but he has a difficult time seeing from the baby’s perspective. Sometimes when our boy climbs where he’s not supposed to or starts getting into things he usually doesn’t, it’s because he has found something we haven’t seen yet. The reason he crawled under the table and accidentally turned off the DVD player while you were watching a movie? One of his favorite toys rolled back there.
:)
[...] For parents and future parents, here are 8 reasons children misbehave. [...]
[...] 8 Reasons Why Children Misbehave (With Solutions!) [...]
parents were once children of someone else. mmy mother was a temperamental, verbally, physically and emotionally abusive parent; i would get beatings for little misbehaviours or not at all. she blames my existence for her misery. she probably hated my dad. i was pretty messed up and i wanted approval and got them from the wrong people. when i started having my own kids, i realized i didnt want to beat the crap out of my kids, and give them all the support they need. but violence sometimes still ensues when my kids misbehave. i still spank them when i really get so frustrated about why they misbehave. i was never like that when i was young. now my mother still lives with us. it’s hard to parent your own kids when your own parents distort the whole idea of disciplining your children. it drives me crazy that i have to deal with her temper and my kids misbehavior at the same time. i end up beating my kids and hating mother/