February 11th, 2008 in Communication

T.H.U.M.P. – 5 Ways to Deal with Irresponsible People

Yep, we’ve all been there. Whether it’s a co-worker, a family member, or even a close friend, we’ve all had to deal with people whose stark irresponsibility causes anger, annoyance, and even chaos everywhere they go.

These individuals are constantly late, they don’t follow instructions, they miss appointments, they forget to call, they make drastically uninformed decisions, and they just generally create negativity and angst for the rest of us.

Here are five great ways for dealing with these annoying people, and the very appropriate acronym to help you remember these tips is T.H.U.M.P!

Tell them – Believe it or not, many people who are chronically irresponsible don’t realize the depth of the chaos that they leave in their wake. It’s not up to us to teach and train the masses about how to be responsible members of society, but that doesn’t mean we can’t point out that they have caused a problem due to their irresponsible behavior. If they get upset about it, that is probably because they know that you’re right, and no one likes to face the fact that they screwed up.
Have a back up plan – Despite your best efforts to tell certain people about their less than savory personality traits, some people are just going to be irresponsible no matter what you do. Your only recourse then is to have a plan in place for whenever they live up to your expectations of them. Whenever you are involved in any dealings with these people, you can think positive about the outcome – and maybe that will come to pass – but you should also plan for that person to drop the ball. By having a back up plan in place long before this person has a chance to cause an issue, you’ll save yourself and everyone involved a lot of headaches.
Undermine their involvement – Sometimes the best defense is a smashing offense! If your favorite irresponsible person is going to cause problems despite your best efforts, simply remove them from the equation. Make plans without telling them. Fill their normal slot in your endeavors with someone else before they get a chance to get involved. Keep a tight lid on the details about your upcoming adventures. Even if the irresponsible person finds out, that doesn’t mean that you need to suddenly gush about all of the details, thus allowing them to possibly slip in at the last minute.
Make them an offer – When all else fails, turn to bribery! If you can’t advise the person, prepare for their chaos, or otherwise avoid their involvement, then make them an offer that they can’t refuse. Dangle a big carrot in front of their face, and promise them a rich reward if they manage to be a part of whatever you are planning without making a mess of it. Be sure your “carrot” is something that really appeals to them, even if that appeal is simply to their vanity or to their misguided perceptions.
Prepare yourself mentally – The final way of dealing with irresponsible people is to simply expect them to be that way. This isn’t to say that you should run around thinking the worst of people. However, there are some people who are going to do what they are going to do, no matter how many problems it causes for other people. If they are going to do their thing regardless of your efforts to the contrary, then the best thing that you can do is to just be ready for it on a mental level. Even chaos, anarchy, and negativity aren’t as bad if we are ready for them. Often, just being ready for something will limit the negative effect that it has on us.

Aaron M. Potts

Aaron Potts is a personal development blogger and self improvement enthusiast who owns the Today is that Day blog. Aaron is also the owner of the Personal Development Partners website, a social networking site dedicated to the concept of people partnering up for success!

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Stephen Martile says on February 11th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Aaron – I can totally relate. Communication is key. My boss used to always be late for meetings or in some cases he would ditch me all together. I finally told him that when he doesn’t show up to a meeting it tells me that wherever he is, is more important than being with me at the meeting.
I never had a problem after that. The greatest gift is being in communication.
Stephen Martile
Personal Development Made Simple
http://www.stephenmartile.com
Aaron - Today is that Day says on February 11th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Stephen,
That’s a great example of how the communication thing can really iron things out. Sometimes ya just gotta call people to the carpet!
Thanks for sharing!
Adam says on February 11th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Great tips Aaron. Been there… got to hate when your life is intertwined with someone who does not see, or sees and does not care about the pain their actions or inactions cause others.
Lee says on February 11th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
For the most part Aaron, I like what you post. I’m not so sure I would agree with your entire strategy and assessment here though, Aaron. It feels to me there is a bit of an edge here, as though you’ve got a personal story that grates upon you. And yet, I “get it” and at the same can’t agree fully with how it has been stated.
To simply dismiss this person as irresponsible is disrespectful in kind. People are who they are. The question remains, “why they are what they are.” I’d like to see more attempt at trying to understand that, how to deal with that, and how we all grow with that. Not labelling the irresponsible and engaging in more social tactics that create a lot of the games that mess up people’s esteem. If I’m wrong, check out the newspapers and observe all the mental chaff affecting students, workers, and such all over the world today. Where does this behaviour come from? Socialization. That’s what you’re teaching here.
On a final note, I’m not at all suggesting that anyone remain a doormat to poor behaviour. Again, communication is key. Something most people are afraid to do. In fact, they will adopt the “duck and run” avoidance tactics before they ever have an uncomfortable conversation.
This, again, supports my rationale for heading to the Understanding component first. What is interesting with this exercise, is we all see our own faults as we seek understanding, and in doing so, discover the middle ground quite often. It’s the real road to inspiration and empowerment.
Cheers, Lee
Tina says on February 12th, 2008 at 3:09 am
Thanks for the great tips! But what about when the irresponsible person is your supervisor/boss?
Z says on February 12th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Nice post.
If you are a fascist obsessive compulsive person it might stop you from actually strangling the irresponsible maggot.
borsch says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am
I am one of those people that has had a tendency to be chronically late, forget appointments, or else get caught up in something that distracted me from previously negotiated engagements.
However, my behaviour is not predictable or consistent and I am able to change over time.
As a person who had to deal with someone telling them about their shortcomings, there’s a few insights I’d like to share:
1. It’s not a crime to be who you are.
Often someone telling you that your problems are insufferable and hurting them tend to view the situation from one side. They end up adopting a superiority complex and language that does hurt the other person. A person who adopts such attitudes tend to breed contempt from those they relate to.
It’s often much more difficult to see that the person who is chronically late or forgetful may have anxiety issues or are possibly concerned with things that distract them easily. The hardest part of dealing with this people is to see it from their point of view as well as yours and using language that is conducive to communicating on a shared ground.
2. The benefit of the doubt goes a long way
If the irresponsible person in your life has agreed honestly to change their habits for your benefit; treat that with respect. If they happen to be late or forget an appointment along the way, give them the benefit of the doubt. Nothing is more insufferable to a person than being looked down upon.
Sometimes they might actually have a legitimate reason. It really helps when they can explain themselves before you mentally turn them off. Don’t make up your mind before they walk in the door.
3. For a select few, such erratic behaviour is a direct side-effect of their mental composition
The “bumbling professor” is a classic stereo-type that does have some validity. Often times these kinds of people exert an extreme amount of mental power at the world around them in order to achieve great things. In the most extreme circumstances this may mean that they walk around with their shirts on backwards and read books upside down. Sometimes it simply means they forget where they should be and end up somewhere that their thoughts take them.
The only way to deal with this kind of person (which is the hardest, if not impossible type of person to change) is to take the last bit of THUMP advice.
You can only adapt to these kinds of people. If you are OCD or take it as a personal offense every time someone doesn’t behave the way you’d like them to; you’ll lose your hair pretty fast. Don’t waste your time making these people feel your pain — it’ll only frustrate you and insult them.
Hope that gives a little more perspective.
Eileen says on February 12th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
At times I’m one of those irresponsible people. I’m well aware that my lateness in getting things done or showing up for appointments causes other people problems, but my dislike of doing things, following orders, and getting out the door often outweighs my concern for others or even my desire for a reward.
omtc says on February 12th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
what if the Irresponsible Person really isn’t Irresponsible and it’s just you (one who is getting pissed) who is out of line.
this is exactly what’s happening to me right now in my office.
Thomas says on February 12th, 2008 at 9:03 pm
This is the gayest post I have read in a long time. Irresponsibility is in the eye of the beholder. Some may see your “smashing offense” as exactly that: offensive. Stop judging, start forgiving and move on.
jean says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
No way. First, I never want to change people, but their behavior. If I can drag my ass out of bed and arrive on time, so can you. I also have ‘problems’. I deal with it and arrive on time.
The best way for people to be responsible is to take responsibility for their actions. No sugar coating. I run my own business, and believe me the excuses run out fast. No BS. Action is a way to communicate, and it is the strongest way too.
Fred says on February 12th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Eileen – sure do what you feel like, as long as there are others who will put up with it. Sooner or later you will find people with “unrealistic demands” for you to arrive on time. Next step – become a victim. that works for a while. Then pull the sick card. Then the race card, then the ‘poor me’ card, then the I am depressed, then the PMS, then the immigrant, then … look for a new job … start all over again. Works for years.
John Keels says on February 13th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
I agree with communication. Also, its not people’s responsibility to fix other people and therefore there are times you do have to leave people out of the loop because they are not responsible enough or not willing to see things through. I know because I have struggled with this all of my life. Therefore, I have to watch myself constantly on time. Honestly, it keeps my life in a constant level of extreme stress worrying about how to be on time and what other people will think. Even then sometimes I still forget something. So, on the one hand people do need to realize that it is their choice to responsible. On the other hand, there is no reason to be a fascist prude about it either.
Thanks!
Pan_theFrog says on February 13th, 2008 at 1:27 pm
@Thomas: “Stop judging, start forgiving and move on.”
So when a person still can not correctly fill out the form they have been using 6+ times a month for over 7 years… It is not a sign of incompetence, it is me judging them to harshly?
Mind you that this is a form that tells me how and what materials to ship to customers, so little things like an address or e-dress are kind of important to me.
oakling says on February 13th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
I think the “move on” part is key, and it’s not really included in this list. Making a back up plan is good but it is NEVER your only resource. I guess that rearranging things so that person isn’t included is a way of moving on, but I would love to see it more clearly stated that if the person is messing up your own plans or projects over and over, you can leave/end the relationship entirely.
Of course, at work this is more complicated – it may involve talking to supervisors or HR, documenting everything, asking to work with someone else, even getting a new job. But my experience has been that it is always worth it to walk away from someone who, no matter how nice they are, can’t or won’t respect my boundaries no matter how much communication we do.
Lorraine says on January 16th, 2009 at 4:16 am
Oh my god I want to be so much. I try. I write things down I have alarms on my phone but i just dont always follow through. I dont know why I STILL forget appointments. And then if i make one little life change like move or something, everything is thrown out of wack and i forget again. Okay maybe im not late as much as i used to be but fuck its so easy for me to make the same mistake if im tired or my mind is off somewhere.BAH. People like you are so rude though thinking we’re here to ruin things for everyone. Thats not fair, people aren’t perfect.
Carole Heath says on February 13th, 2010 at 9:36 am
I can understand certain people who get annoyed at irresponsible people, i have felt the same way myself at times. This particular story does not have anything to do with work related incidents. But with people who just go on doing irresponsible actions time and time again with no thought for others. I know of people who make excuses for these people and defend their actions even when they are in the wrong, in my view these people are as bad as the wrongdoer. They ask your opinion and when you give them a completely different answer to what they expect they don’t like it and stick up for the irresponsible person I am afraid i now distance myself from these people as it annoys me and mostly it isn’t my business anyway.