Stop Trying to Be Liked and Start Being You
I don’t like you.
Four words we hate to hear. For some reason, we all like to be liked. No revelation there. It’s how we’re wired. We hate it when people don’t like us – even people we don’t really know. Some of us will do almost anything to be liked. We love to please, even at the expense of our own happiness, values, beliefs and standards. We compromise ourselves a hundred ways and turn ourselves inside-out trying to make others like us, but in that approval-seeking process we often forget who we are and wind up being disliked by the one person whose opinion should matter the most; us.
Newsflash 1: Some people aren’t gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That’s okay.
That’s right – life ain’t fair and even though you may very well be a fantastic human being, some people will find a reason to dislike you no matter what you do or how fabulous you are. Chances are it’s more about their issues than anything you have or haven’t done. There are people who don’t like me who have never actually met me or had a conversation with me. That’s fine with me. I won’t invest emotional energy into things I can’t change. I will endeavour to be the best Craig Harper I can be and if my best still generates critics and people who find reason to dislike me (which it will), that’s okay. The only person I can change is me, so I’ll focus on improving, educating and developing myself rather than trying to create a fan club or convince people to like me.
While it’s normal and very human to have the desire to be needed, liked, loved and important to others, it’s also crucial for our development to get clear about who we are and what we stand for, and to live a life consistent with those values – to like ourselves. Otherwise we simply become frustrated People Pleasers.
Newsflash 3: It’s okay to disagree with people. Even people you like and respect.
Newsflash 4: Some people’s overwhelming need to be liked is the very thing that makes them hard to like (there’s some irony for you).
Newsflash 5: For many people, their need to be liked is actually a significant barrier to their personal and professional growth.
When it comes to this issue, you might want to ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I speak the truth (while still exercising care, wisdom and understanding) even if it’s not popular to do so?
2. Do I live a life which is consistent with my core values?
3. Do I operate with integrity?
4. Do I believe that my motives are good?
5. Is it my goal to be a positive influence in the lives of others?
6. Am I happy to disagree with people I like?
7. Do I (really) like me?
If you answered yes to all of the above then you’re doing pretty well. If there were more crosses than ticks then you may want to make a few changes. Soon. Some short-term pain for some long-term gain.
If you really want to be liked, then stop trying to be liked and start being you.
WRITER'S BIOGRAPHY
Craig Harper
Craig Harper (B.Ex.Sci.) is a qualified exercise scientist, author, columnist, radio presenter, television host, motivational speaker and university lecturer. For the past 25 years he has been a leading presenter, educator, motivator and commentator in the areas of personal and professional development. You can visit Craig's blog at Motivational Speaker.FREE eBook – So… You’ve Decided to Get in Shape (Again) Craig's FREE eBook takes 20 – 30 minutes to read, and addresses the REAL getting-in-shape issues based on his 25 years of experience. To get Craig’s FREE eBook click here, weight loss books.
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Comments
Vered says on May 27th, 2008 at 10:32 am
Well, that’s a tough one for me. I answered most of the questions with a “yes”, but there’s always that nagging fear, that people won’t like me anymore if I show them the true me.
Melanie Smits says on May 27th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
Very true, but hard to implement sometimes. I have a friend that will fly off the handle if I say anything about him that he sees as negative, no matter how diplomatic or constructive I phrase my complaint. So I keep my opinion to myself, or I act like whatever I don’t agree with is fine, because I don’t want to lose him as a friend dispite his flaws.
With newer or more professional relationships, I think it’s actually easier to show what you really feel about an issue.
Just my two cents.
Derek N says on May 27th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Great Post!
However, do you have any advice for someone who’s been doing this for years and aren’t completely sure who they are? Maybe an article on Finding Yourself ;)
Pieter says on May 28th, 2008 at 7:30 am
Totally agree (even though it’s ok not to ;)), but, totally off-topic: where did you get that picture? I’ve been working on a project last few weeks that contains a picture of the same guy, really annoying. I can’t stand it if people are so overly enthousiastic.
lalla says on May 28th, 2008 at 9:01 am
I just wanted to thank you for the thoughtful post. It kind of… surprised me into thinking about what’s important. Thanks, really!
Ian Bacon says on May 31st, 2008 at 2:50 am
Melanie-tell your friend to grow up.
“Do what thy manhood bids thee do,
from none but self expect applause;
He noblest lives and noblest dies who makes
and keeps his self-made laws.”
Capt. Sir Richard Francis Burton (1821–1890)
explorer, adventurer, scholar.
design says on May 31st, 2008 at 4:36 am
Good points, but make it more generally
web says on May 31st, 2008 at 7:22 am
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site slicing says on May 31st, 2008 at 7:49 am
Thanks for the great post ;D
Rich says on May 31st, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Many years ago I heard the 20/40/60 rule.
When you’re 20, you care what everyone thinks you.
When you’re 40, you don’t give a damn what anybody thinks about you.
When you’re 60, you realize that nobody was thinking about you.
Lauren - OfficeArrow.com says on June 5th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Hi Craig,
I think you’ve tapped onto something very important here. I really like that you mentioned how some people will dislike you because you try so hard to be liked. I know a few people like this and it is very hard to genuinely like them. It is so important that people realize being likeable and being agreeable are totally different. Thanks for your great content.
Take care!
johnnyboughtaguntoday says on January 5th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
I hate you and everything you stand for.
Just kidding, also if you really feel that you want everyone to like you you should just ignore yourself and do what everybody expects of you that way you’ll be sure to become a loser but people will like you. Also another effective strategy is to take prozac mixed with paxil, I call it my ‘tuesday cocktail’ becuase it was on a tuesday I lost my dignity..i believe it was 1987 or so..anywayz I believe children are our future…goodnight and God Bless