How To Initiate Conversation

July 4 by | 98 comments | Communication, Featured | Tags:
How To Initiate Conversation

The hardest part of socializing, for many people, is initiating conversation. However, it is a big mistake to go about life not making the first move and waiting for someone else to do it [in conversation or anything].

This isn’t to say you must always be the first in everything or spark up conversations with everyone you see. What should be said, though, is once you get good at starting conversations, a lot of other things will progress in the way you want; such as networking and your love life.

The Benefits

First thing is you should acknowledge why it is a good thing to be able to initiate conversations with strangers or people who you don’t know well.

  • 1. You’re not a loner with nothing to do.
  • 2. You look more approachable if you are comfortable approaching others.
  • 3. Meeting new people means developing a network of friends or peers which leads to more knowledge and experiences.

    • You can only learn so much alone, and I’m sure you’re aware of the benefits of learning from others. Being able to distinguish the ‘good from bad’ amongst a group of people will help in building a suitable network, or making a fun night.

    Good Vs Bad

    All people are good in their own way. Being able to have a good time with anybody is a worthy trait and something to discuss another time. However, if you have a specific purpose while in social situations you may want to stick with people who are suitable.

    This means distinguishing between people who might suit you and your ‘purpose’ from those who probably won’t. This can require some people-judging, which I am generally very opposed to. However, this does make approaching people all the more easier.

    It helps to motivate the conversation if you really want to know this person. Also, you’ll find your circle of friends and peers grows to something you really like and enjoy.

    The Rules

    I don’t have many rules in this life, for conversation or anything; but when it comes to approaching strangers, there are a few I’d like used.

  • 1. Be polite. Within context, don’t be a creepy, arrogant loudmouth or anything. Acknowledge that you are in the company of strangers and don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable. First impressions mean something.
  • 2. Keep it light. Don’t launch into a heartfelt rant or a story of tragedy. We’re out to have fun.
  • 3. Don’t be a prude. This just means relax. This isn’t a science and conversation isn’t a fine art. Talk to people like you’re already friends.
  • 4. Be honest. Be yourself. People can tell.

    • Who To Talk To?

    I’m of the ilk that likes to talk to everyone and anyone. Everyone has a story and good personalities. Some are harder to get to than others, but if you’re on a people-finding excursion, like I usually am, then everyone is pretty much fair game.

    That said, if you’re out at a function and you want to build a network of people in your niche, you will want to distinguish those people from the others. Find the ‘leaders’ in a group of people or ask around for what you’re looking for.

    In a more general environment, like at a bar, you will want to do the same sort of thing. Acknowledge what you actually want and try to distinguish suitable people. Once you find someone, or a group of people, that you want to meet and talk to, hop to it.

    Think of a few things you might have in common. What did you notice about their dress sense?

    Confidence

    The most important part of initiating conversation is, arguably, having confidence. It should be obvious that without any amount of self-esteem you will struggle. Having confidence in yourself and who you are makes this job very easy.

    If you find yourself doubting your worth, or how interesting you are, make a few mental notes of why you are interesting and worth talking to. There is no question you are. You just have to realize that.

    What do I do? What is interesting about it? What are my strong points and what are my weak ones? Confident people succeed because they play on their strengths.

    Across The Room Rapport

    This is rapport building without talking. It’s as simple as reciprocated eye contact and smiles etc. Acknowledging someone else’s presence before approaching them goes a long way to making introductions easier. You are instantly no longer just a random person.

    As discussed in last week’s How Not To Suck At Socializing article, there are things you can do to make yourself appear approachable. This doesn’t necessarily mean people are going to flock to you. You’ll still probably need to initiate conversations.

    People notice other people who are having a blast. If you’re that person, someone will acknowledge it and will make the ‘across the room rapport’ building a breeze. If you’re that person that is getting along great with their present company, others will want to talk to you. This will make your approach more comfortable for both parties.

    The Approach

    When it comes to being social, the less analytical and formulaic you are the better. Try not to map out your every move and plan too much. Although we are talking about how to initiate conversation, these are really only tips. When it comes to the approach, though, there are some things you should keep in mind.

    Different situations call for different approaches. Formal situations call for something more formal and relaxed ones should be relaxed.

    At a work function, for instance, be a little formal and introduce yourself. People will want to know who you are and what you do right away. This isn’t to say you should only talk about work, but an introduction and handshake is appropriate.

    If you’re at a bar then things are very different and you should be much more open to unstructured introductions. Personally, I don’t like the idea of walking directly to someone to talk to them. It’s too direct. I like the sense of randomness that comes with meeting new people.

    However, if there is rapport already established, go for it. If not, take a wander, buy a drink and be aware of where people are. If there is someone you would like to talk to, make yourself available and not sit all night etc.

    When someone is alone and looks bored, do them a favor and approach them. No matter how bad the conversation might get, they should at least appreciate the company and friendliness.

    Briefly, Approaching Groups

    When integrating with an established group conversation there is really one thing to know. That is to establish the ‘leader’ and introduce yourself to them. I mentioned that before, but here is how and why.

    The Why is the leader of a group conversation is probably the more social and outgoing. They will more readily accept your introduction and then introduce you to the rest of the group. This hierarchy in a group conversation is much more prevalent in formal situations where one person is leading the conversation.

    A group of friends out for the night is much more difficult to crack. This may even be another topic for discussion, but one thing I know that works is initiating conversation with a ‘stray’. It sounds predatorial, but it works.

    More often than not this occurs without intention, but if you do really want to get into a group of friends, your best bet is approaching one of them while they are away from the group and being invited into the group.

    It is possible, like everything, to approach a group outright and join them. However, this is almost an art and requires another specific post.

    How To Initiate Conversation

    Topics Of Conversation

    Other than confidence, the next thing people who have trouble initiating conversations lack is conversation! So here are a few tips to get the ball rolling.

  • 1. Small talk sucks. It’s boring and a lot of people already begin to zone out when questions like, “What do you do?” or “What’s with this weather?” come up. Just skip it.
  • 2. Everything is fair game. If you are in the company of someone and a thought strikes you, share it. “This drink is garbage! What are you drinking?” “Where did you get that outfit?”
  • 3. Opinions matter. This is any easy way to hit the ground running in conversation. Everyone has one, and when you share yours, another will reveal itself. The great thing about this line of thought is that you are instantly learning about the other person and what they like, dislike etc.
  • 4. Environment. The place you’re in is full of things to comment on. The DJ, band, fashions; start talking about what you see.
  • 5. Current Events. Unless it’s something accessible or light-hearted, forget it. Don’t launch into your opinion on the war. If your city has recently put a ban on smoking inside venues, like mine has, ask what they think about it.
  • 6. Speaking of smoking. If you are a smoker in such a city, you are in luck. Although there is the inconvenience of being ostracized outside to smoke, you are instantly thrust into a group of like-minded people. Consider this possibly the easiest forum for flirtation and new conversation.

    • Exiting Conversation

    Although I’d like to write a full post on exiting strategies for conversations you don’t want to be in, here are some tips.

    The first thing is don’t stay in a conversation you’re not interested in. It’ll show and will be no fun for anyone. Be polite and excuse yourself. You’re probably out with friends, go back to them. Buy a drink. Most people will probably want to finish the conversation as much as you.

    Likewise, you could start another conversation.

    • http://www.mytropicalescape.com Mark Hayward

      Greetings,

      Found your post on digg…good insightful stuff. Keep up the good work.

      Mark
      http://www.mytropicalescape.com

    • http://970.am no

      Really?! Are people so retarded that they don’t know how to talk to other people?! Open your mouth and speak words. Duh. And you contradict yourself. In one sentence you say that small talk sucks. In the next sentence, you say you should ask someone what they’re drinking or where they got an outfit. If that isn’t small-talk, what is?!

      And yes, small talk IS important. It’s the essence of networking and getting to know someone. What are you going to do, use “so what do you think about our international trade policies and nationalist protectionism of labor unions” as your opening line with an attractive woman or potential employer?!

      Good god… dorks giving dorks advice… sad.

    • response

      …nearly as bad as soliciting advice from am radio.

    • Me

      To no: Take a chill pill — this is somebody’s personal recommendations, and they aren’t purporting to lay the law down on initiating conversation. Take it for what it’s worth and don’t have a cow just because you don’t agree.

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    • Zeekay

      Thanks for this article. I’m ready to try it out more oftenly. :)

      About some comments above, I disagree with you, “no, the AM one”. SmallTalks most likely won’t get you anywhere. It’s ok to talk that way with someone you might not want to approach at a first sight, but if you’re really interested in making a network of friendship, you’ll want to get closer to them, and that’s when these kind of talking goes out.
      “Bah, this weather sucks.”
      “Indeed.”
      “Hey, I liked you, want to join us on some party out there?”

      Won’t happen.

    • Nidis

      Nice article with a lot of great valid points. Heh, ‘no’ is probably one of those people who bursts into erratic conversation and suspects everyone else must be loving it because its THEM talking. Oh well.

    • BP

      As an introvert, these are very helpful points, though some of what you say reveals how little you know about being an introvert. For instance, when I’m out, I’m often the stray in the group, and it’s on purpose… sometimes i just need a little time outside of the circle to breathe, and I don’t necessarily want someone striking up a conversation during my quiet time. Of course, that’s when I’m out, which isn’t often to be honest, it’s far too exhausting. I’m much happier at dinner with some friends, or taking a walk in the park, or catching a movie. I know it isn’t likely, but I’d love to figure out how to meet other people *like me*. People who’d rather get coffee than martini’s, rather go to open mic night than a huge concert. I do want to meet more people, and have great conversation, but I’d honestly rather not do it at a bar.

    • lance

      i think i’ll just stay right here on the Internet until they invent a conversation pill that i can take. then i’d get ALL the ladies. just you wait.

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    • Some Guy

      Not a bad read, but please, if you see us non-social types sitting at a bar alone, leave us alone. There’s a reason we’re sitting alone. We don’t want to socialize. Thanks :)

    • Kriggs

      BP: that could have been my post, word for word.

    • Jessica

      Hey! I saw this on Digg and there are some very helpful tips here! I’m just about to start at a college where almost none of my friends are going so making new friends is paramount for me! I kinda got the ball rolling over this weekend since I went down there for orientation and such. Hmm…I must admit I kinda needed this BEFORE then but it’s good to know this now instead of in December or sometime after college starts :D

      thanks for the tips :)

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    • http://www.myspace.com/mysticpainmetal mysticpain

      What if your a misanthropist? — For those who don’t know… a misanthropist is one who generally dislike humanity.

    • Ritter99

      @”no”: you are AFC.

    • Craig Childs

      Hey guys, I appreciate the comments. I can’t say I’m an expert in sociology or anything but I’ve been around. This article came about from just noticing what people do when they’re out.

      You’ll find a lot of people don’t attempt any form of conversation with strangers, and if they do it’s very stunted and unfocused. As if they’ve said the same thing to 20 other people.

      When you don’t find this kind of thing easy or natural, I can imagine it difficult to get started – because it takes some practice.

      To BP and all the introverts, I appreciate where you’re coming from and you provide an excellent example of someone who is out but wants to be left alone.

      In this case I think body language would be a good indicator of someone’s willingness to be approached.

      It’s usually not too hard to tell if someone wants to be left alone, so I think you would still find a comfortable space when out.

      Additionally, I’d like to add these points aren’t at all exclusive to bars and functions. Your example, BP, of a coffee house or open mic is still applicable.

      Don’t be discouraged from talking to new people because you think it can only be done at bars etc. Try it anywhere you are! The park, library. These situations are generally a little harder to crack because it’s not as common to talk to strangers here compared to at a bar; but are, at the same time, easier because it’s not as common.

      The golden rule, really, is to let the awkwardness and anxiety go and just relax into conversation.

    • Darren

      @BP: if you want to meet people who’d rather get a coffee than a martini, then go to a coffee shop, not a bar. If you want to meet people that like open mic rather than a concert, then go to such a place, by yourself if necessary, and presto!

      You’re only going to meet a certain type of people at a bar, and that’s drinkers. There are other places in the world. It really isn’t that difficult. Talk to somebody in the hot dog queue when you’re at the movies, talk to that person walking the dog in the park.

      I used to be introverted in my 20s, but I’ve come to realise that we’re all just people, and I’m just as “valid” or interesting as the next person. Think about *why* you’re introverted and address that psychological barrier, and everything else will flow from there.

    • http://mindfullness.wordpress.com Alex

      @Craig – In my opinion you cannot write an article of such length and detail and expect everybody to agree. Duh. When giving advice about such fundamental things like socializing, relationships, and life in general. the best type of post is that which gives simple, short and open ended advice.

      When you begin to go into such deep detail about the mechanics of starting a conversation, it immediately becomes overwhelming. When the real truth is that none of your advice really matters or applies to everybody.

      So I think, unless you can help everybody, make it as simple as possible so that people may use your wisdom in conjunction with their life experiences to form conclusions and draw something from your advice.

      HG Wells – “If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.”

    • Andrew

      My take on the posts thus far is this; as somebody who “goes out” in the city (Manhattan, as the author is most likely implying) ) four nights a week, and not to be a braggart in the face of those who have difficulty creating oppertunities to socially interact, but the most important thing is understanding (and ultimatly “objectifying”) your environment.

      True, this thread provides a rudimentary foundation for initiating conversation, but there really is no mechanic that can be applied to social interactionism.

      Regardless of what your surroundings are, there is always an aura, or vibe in any place where people congregate. Like one may feel awkward riding in an elevator up 10 stories alone with a perfect stranger, some spaces are more conducive to interating than others, but there are a few things that hold true in any environment.

      1.) Smile (smiling is not only contageous, but it makes you seem more approachable, and by the same token, less intense.)
      2.) Positivity (have fun! whether you are at a bar or a cofee lounge, people respond to good vibes)
      3.) Slow down and assess the environment (if you are committed to making contact with somebody in a given space, don’t post up and “wear your mind on your shoulder”, that is to say, don’t square up to a group of girls with your friend, or, don’t stand awkwardly in a trafficed spaces while summing up the scene- looking for possible connections
      4.) Create oppertunities (Little bit silly is OK! Random can be good too… I have found that typical openers never work. Even some of my friends who are linguistically mercurial and savvy as all hell will tell you, lines are for chumps. It is the little things that spark interest (esp. in the opposite sex) and moreover, the odd or unique things that leave a lasting impression. Perhaps some of you have heard of “peacocking” – a coined method by pickup artist Mystery, well despite the cheese of his name, and the nature of his business, this observation is grounded in sociology. The idea is that like a peacock, people are attracted to those who are unlike others in a crowd. Mystery cites cowboy hat wearing frat boys; true, most are loud drunk bombastics, but they have many successes, but they have fun, they smile, they are outgoing, and even though that hat is furry and pink, it shows that they have confidence, and are not self conscience. I digress. There are many approaches to creating oppertunity. I like to get within an “ear shot” of the woman I am interested in (this is generally after eye contact has been made, and before words have been exchanged) and ask a pointed question to the bartender. The point of this is to let her hear what you sound like, create a window into your personality (nature of the question), and a chance for you to be polite to the bartender. Right there most women can already learn alot about you- communication is only 7% verbal, the rest is intonation, paralanguage, and gesturing. You are polite to show that you are respectful and nice- right there you are above 85% of the other people at the bar, and if you can’t muster a great question…, maybe about a score, or the location of a nearest ATM, or the mixture recipe of an obscure drink; something that requires a moment to answer…you still may even have a chance to shoot your person of interest a smile.
      5. Confidence (duh.)
      6. Leave the person “an out” (many times there is a great deal of uncertainty, and it definitly takes some courage to approach somebody you don’t know and attempt to initiate conversation; with that be as it may, try to construct the conversation in a way that both you and the other have an easy out if things just don’t jell. Perhaps you ask them their opinion on something; many times this will result in a counterquestion of the same nature (as is the nature of Reciprocity), and this also gives you a chance to show that you are cultured depending on your choice of topic (hopefully you are), but most importantly it gives you a chance to “close” if things just don’t seem to be going the way you had thought. If her response doesn’t excite you in any way, just acknowledge the response, and politely excuse yourself from the situation.

      Anyway, this wasn’t supposed to be a lecture, so I appologize. Hopefully this is helpful to somebody, but I just want to say this: I used to be very introverted. I had the longing to be socially outgoing and charismatic, but didn’t have the stomache, tools, or the know-how, so I can sincerely empathize with those who are there right now…

      I f anyone has a pointed question (again, I am not a professional by title) about meeting people, I’d be happy to post a response on this thread. :)

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    • Outgoing

      These are good tips and all. But some places you just dont talk, as far as Im concerned. Ie at clubs. If the music is pretty loud, one cannot have a conversation there. You just nod and smile to people.

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    • http://www.chrisgrooms.net/myblog Chris Grooms

      no: Your social skills suck. Everyone here already can’t stand you.

    • adam

      your advice sucks.
      1) Expressing an opinion: this leaves you wide-open to the smartass of the group saying “That is dumb”. At that point everyone laughs at your opinion and you walk away with your tail between your legs.
      2) Saying “this drink sucks”. Then suddenly everyone’s first impression of you is that you are a negative creep who is so moronic that they ordered a drink they don’t like!
      3) “That’s a nice outfit! Where did you get it?” A guy is supposed to say this to another guy? Gay. A guy says this to a girl? Is he a cross-dresser?
      4) Introducing yourself to “the leader of the group”. Okay, everyone’s standing around in a big circle. You hover at the edges for a few minutes figuring out who the leader is. Everyone wonders why you’re standing around outside the conversation. Then suddenly you walk through the middle of the circle and stick your hand out to “the leader”. Have you ever actually seen someone do this? Everyone’s “weirdo” alarms are going wild!
      Conclusion: All the advice you give is super-general. It applies basically if you’re already with a group of friends (smiling, looking confident etc). If you’re off by yourself smiling to yourself you’re a loon. If you use any of the actual conversational gambits you concretely mention you are going to look like a jackass.

    • Nick

      Great advice.

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    • http://onlyhuman.dk empty_other

      Heh.. Adam. I recognise that kind of thinking from my younger self. Always afraid of someone going to think or say “That is dumb!”. Your argument are partially right, but then again, thinking like that all the time will do you no good. Be yourself, if the group obviously think you a weirdo, then that is most likely not the group you should be talking to.

    • kaps

      Great advice….
      I am an introvert with a very closed circle of friends…i wish it was bigger… however in a pub things change and starting a conversation becomes easy… i have met a lot of people in pubs but there is one problem… our acquaintance ends as soon as we step out of the place… any advice on that???

      On a different note, i do not accost anyone outside a pub because I guess I am afraid that if the other person doesn’t respond then it would be kindda embarrassing….

    • kei

      I’m inclined to agree with Adam for less severe reasons. If I saw a stranger hovering around my group of friends while we’re socializing, and then trying to get into said circle, I’d be weirded out and make it clear he was intruding.

      The problem with presenting an opinion isn’t the possibility that someone will think it was dumb, it’s that you can’t just start spouting opinions without some background conversation leading to it. Make conversation. Use small talk. It may be annoying but small talk isn’t limited to “how’s the weather”, because that’s asinine. If you’re in a sports bar mention the game. If someone in the corner is doing something particularly loud and hilarious, ask what could be going on.

      If you meet me in a bar, though, don’t talk to me. I hate strangers. Every time one of these guides appear some dork who has no conception of social interaction tries to follow the instructions to the letter, and invariably I have to deal with some idiot who hasn’t come out of his shell since 3rd grade.

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    • Andrew

      I think it is a difference of perspective. Everyone has different experiences, and from such experiences you may have a different outlook on particular social environments. Everyone has met people that they didn’t particularly enjoy speaking to, but more often than not, if approached tactfully, I welcome randoms into my circle, and or engage people who seem kind and sincere- or are just plain out to have a good time! (positive people add to the group) I seldom get the inclination (as you described) to “make it clear he is [was] intruding”- the case being that a bar (since that seems to be the area of interest) is by nature, a social arena. Also, there are ways of politely exiting conversation (possibly a thread onto itself) without making somebody feel like they have screwed up, for lack of a better phrase.

      The thread is about conversational initiatives; kei, your last paragraph illustrates a difference of perspective…thats all.

      Be positive, build networks.

    • Andrew

      Kaps:

      Regardless if your interest in your new contact has romantic intentions or not, male or female [although I'm fairly certain this audience is mostly male] the approach is fairly similar.

      If you feel like it is easy to make contact, but it never matriculates into anything; more than likely it is probably a matter of “closing”. The people you feel like you have really connected with, especially in bars (real connections… not drunk horny Susies, or vapid “nodders” who are just being agreeable, etc.) are those who you share things in common with. You said you have a fairly easy time initiating conversation. Thats great! because that is the hardest part…

      My experiences have been this: when I feel like I have really connected, regardless of my intentions, and after talking for a period of time, it is only a matter of tactfully ending the conversation on a good note- perhaps leave an impression that the person will remember you by. I realize when it is a woman who you are interested in, most times you don’t really want to end the conversation, but too much talking for a first encounter can make you seem desperate or clingy (as if you are putting it all out there because this is the only time you two will have), and/or a whole slew of negatives that women will assign when something feels off. It is really tough, because regardless if you are sincerely interested and a all around nice guy, many women assume that men (esp. in bar scenes) are ultimatly looking for sex, and picking up women for casual sex is not what I have been talking about. Talking too much and too long is probably the biggest downfall of new contacts. Anyway, I have found that after 20 minutes of chatting, if the other person isn’t interested in you, you will/should already sense it.

      You should always be the one to end the conversation.

      Be polite and positive. Not to say that you should cut people off, but gushing about yourself at the first encounter, like mentioned above, can make you seem desperate. If you feel like you have shared interests act on them.

      If you feel like it is too soon to get together outside of the space you are in, ask her if she frequents this spot, or any other places like it . At the very least, you know you have one thing in common–you both go out to for drinks.

      Not every introduction has a future. But you reape what you sow (spl?), and in your case, you happen to meet people easily, so meet lots, and good things will happen.

      In the NYC area, I reccomend the Beer Garden in Qns and the Water Taxi Beach across from Midtown and the East River–both are very low key, very locally known, outdoors, and unconfined. Great place to go out for a second meeting regardless of your intentions.

      Good luck. :)

    • robotvoice

      Have you seen grandma’s boy- the movie? Make a tinny robot voice for your inner opinions, and everything should be fine.

    • http://www.flex888.com Flex RIA

      I think what really counts is personality, not techniques. I would think the best way to improve social skill is to improve and develop a more social-able personality. The personality will lead the way afterwards. So, instead of advices on how to approach people, what really needs here are ways to get nature.

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    • mario

      This was not helpful. It states the obvious and lacks insight.

      Try this:
      Socialize: find out what you have in common with people around you.
      – what brought you to the event?
      – what have been some good events? What did you get out of it?

      Compliment:
      – I liked the speaker. What did you think?

      Show insight:
      – comment on a particularly good segment/event/topic

      And, actually listen. Listening is a wonderful skill to build.

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    • michael

      I appreciate the content of your article, but it’s kinda hard to read. I haven’t quite figured out why yet. It doesn’t flow too well, maybe because of conditional sentences.

      I would use shorter sentences and only say what really needs to be said. Cut the fluffing and you should be fine.

      Please keep writing, though.

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    • http://mind-mart.com Mind Mart

      What comes easy for some people is much harder for others so I appreciate your advice. Now if you would do a post advising some people of when to shut up …

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    • Andrew

      Haha. To each there own…suscribe at your own risk :)

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    • K.R

      I’m probably going to be going out to quite a few pubs in the next while (I’ve recently joined a Fraternity and the group I get along best with likes to go out a lot) but we also often end up in Nightclubs where music is blaring, people are dancing and overall to me doesn’t seem like a very conversational place. Any tips on connecting with anybody in this environment? ( btw I don’t know how I personally dance, but I assume like a dieing fish as its a pretty new environment for me)

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    • stevieo

      LOL, K.R. I know exactly what you mean. Every college night out on the town, I met no one, becuase the damn clubs here are so loud. I suggest you bring a camera and some plastic props or toys. They always make you friends on the fly.

      But the best way to really meet anyone at a loud club is while your waiting at the line getting in, or the coffee shop next door.

      I think for me conversing is defintely a mood or mindset. Somedays, I’m just not into it. But I can get into it by just calling someone chatty on the phone a bit. It puts me to ease, in a good mood before approaching someone new.

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    • http://your-iphone-for-free.blogspot.com/ Jim

      That’s pretty good info. I usually don’t like to start convo’s with strangers because I don’t know what to say to start it off without sounding cheesy.

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    • http://www.compellingconversations.com Eric

      Excellent tips. I would add ask savvy questions, encourage people, and make significant contributions by sharing appropriate information. By casually collecting stories from people, enjoying a wide variety of reading materials, and traveling extensively, you will naturally improve the quality and depth of your conversations. I like the slogan “Ask more, know more, and share more.”

      What’s your tip?

    • Matt

      You can accomplish and overcome anything you set your mind to. It helps when walking into a club or bar to “picture yourself” walking up to people (esp. women) and striking a conversation. Imagine yourself laughing and having a good time, and imagine others doing the same…and believe it or not your subconscious will make it a reality. If you walk into a situation “knowing” that it’s going to be awkward, uncomfortable, and/or embarassing, then likewise, your subconscious will also make that a reality.

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    • http://www.xtrememind.com Power Persuasion

      The PickUp Artist community bustles with all manner of techniques to open the conversation game. One method I learned from these fellows is simply to ask someone “What’s Your Story”

      Expect an encyclopdic and enthusiastic reply!

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    • james

      now what’s wrong with “how’s the weather?”
      it’s such a cliched well known conversation starter, it’s famous enough to be funny, ironic, sarcastic, self-effacing, flirtatious, *incredibly* suggestive if you can do one eyebrow raised, or, if you’re a farmer, pilot or sailor, it can be a serious business or life-threatening question.
      as a bonus it can link one into a gal’s horny environmental side if one hints of global warming induced weather catastrophe.

      To Jim i say, how could anything you say be cheesy? Well, you might be tense, worried and nervous about being cheesy in which case, you will be…. but relax and be yourself… the other person might find it cheesy in which case they’re not for you.
      Keep at it. I’m often making quips and hellos to people in the supermarket queue in our village, mostly ignored by people playing cool, but one day recently a guy actually laughed at something stoopid i said to him, we connected. I see him around and it’s now a nod and a smile heartwarming huh?

      having been an alcohol-fired extrovert in an introvert’s body for all of my 20s, i suddenly found freedom in sobriety to be myself in public, to recognise that to “be introverted” was like “to be tall” – totally irrelevant if you just start enjoying being yourself.
      enjoy your introverted quirks, don’t dwell or worry about them

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    • RandyCandy

      Hey guys!

      I just moved to a new place, made a bunch of around 10+ friends. Theyve known ea other for sumtime, whilst I am their new addition. Its only 3-4 occasions meeting them close to a month.

      I’ve never been good at socializing, during first contact, I feel good about myself, confident. Then when it comes to the next few meetings, it starts getting awkward. I lose sense of myself, unable to be in control of my thoughts, my mental energy evaporates v.quickly, soon (within one hour of socializing) I become a mindless zombie. My mind is disconnected in forming conversational thoughts, being unable to conjure any ideas.

      Then the awkwardness sinks in as my mind misfires. I end up saying things that don’t connect with people, or can’t think of what to say to find out more about someone else or even social talk. The awkwardness is really annoying especially with people whom I really wanna connect while I destroy any foundation for friendship.

      THEN, I get a crush on a girl. Objectively, I know that its just too fast to want to go to such levels as we’re barely friends, conversations starting out nicely, slow and steadily. However, subconsciously a phobia to talk to her has taken over, I’m no longer myself, and hinders my ability to just have fun and talk normal. Several awkward moments…How do I get rid of this annoying phobia?

      I’m trying to improve my social skills. I really don’t want to mess up this opportunity to make good lasting friends, but my social ineptitude and mental hiccup is really proving a difficult challenge.
      A) I need constructive help on how to continuously stay in control of my mind, staying connected.
      B) Useful specific advice on, what sort of topics to talk about when socializing, to girls and guys specifically or generally; what sort of questions to find out more about someone in a gentle and polite way without being too nosy.
      C) How to really connect with people through my conversations.
      D) What do I need to tell/remind myself to get rid of my phobia/frozen tongue when it comes to the girl?
      Thanks guys! advice is appreciated.

      re: James: Its good u now accept urself.
      I’m still trying to accept my introverted side though~

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    • AH

      Just pretend like you were talking to a friend. If said talkee doesn’t seem interested in what you have to say, leave. Next, never intrude into “tight-nit” groups. This not only makes you look like a jackass, but can lead to public embarrassment.
      Generic formula:
      Intro w/ small talk
      Perhaps a name exchange
      Further discussion
      “Really like to meet you again…blah blah blah”
      Leave with a casual but not desperate remark.

      Time per person: 10 minutes.

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    • tina

      its nice cause at least u have an idea on how to have a good conversation. all i can say is just be yourself always and u have to have the GUTS!!!

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    • gary

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    • http://www.how2talk2.com John

      Hey guys. It’s been sometime since the last comment on this article but I must say that everyone here has brought up some great for and against points.

      I am a personal and professional development coach and I really enjoyed the discussion here.

      What I tell you all that I tell all of my clients for breaking the ice and what seems to work very well are two things:

      1) Use your environment
      2) Get them to agree

      Those are some of the only two things you need to remember when entering any social situation. The above two mentalities work well in any situation.

      Two great sites that might be of benefit to the readers here are

      NetworkingNoteCards.com which outlines a complete step-by-step guide to holding a conversation.

      How2Talk2.com which is a free site that provides user submitted talking points for a variety of topics.

      Best of luck with your conversations!

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    • Taylor

      While the poster gives some good advice on initiating conversations, the best way to initiate a conversation is to just go for it. Don’t worry about looking stupid, messing up, or saying the wrong thing. People don’t remember that stuff anyway. Keep in mind though that there are people who may not want to talk to you. If this is the case, walk away and go talk to someone else. As you talk more and more, you will gain confidence and get better at socializing and talking. Practice really does make perfect.

    • Joeyoung42

      If I may piggy back off the last poster John… Additionally you want to always have interesting topics that are spring boards to length conversations. There are a tons of lists on Ice breakers but the best (and most conveinent) thing I have found recently is a little app on my IPhone called Hot Topics ( http://www.hottopicsapp.com ) . Its great because basically the app presents topics (hot topics, but not gross or too sexual) for discussion and since its the app asking the questions, the conversation never seems creepy of weird. I will use it or I have memorized a few of my favorites from it. Anyway, try it.

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    • Anonymous

      Being able to initiate conversations is one trait every marketer should have!

    • Arnold

      Does this actually work?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2IER4GQFXIBCZ3AXZ5U5LNCICE JOJO

      What bout someone who has learning disablities. Most of this stuff seems easy to grasp but when it comes to really doing it it never comes across as it is seen here.
      please help