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Personal Development, Canine-Style

Personal Development, Canine-Style
Bloodhound

    It must be morning; I’m hungry.
    Then again, I’m always hungry, so it could really be any time.
    I can hear the shower and feel the sun on my back, so I’m guessing the Boss is awake.
    I lift my head off my bed and look down the passage.
    I want a shower too.
    Sometimes I try and get in but he won’t let me.
    Boring.
    He’s not so happy in the mornings any more.
    He used to be, but things have changed.
    I think it’s stress.

    Not really sure what that is, but I know it’s not good.
    It’s a human thing.
    I’ve heard him talk about it on the phone.
    Don’t really know what a phone is either, but I know they’re good to chew.
    Chewing’s one of my favourite things.

    In the old days we wrestled every morning.
    He’d pull my ears and I’d jump on his head.
    These days, not so much.
    Before he went to work, we’d play ball.
    After work too.
    He’d throw, I’d fetch.
    He’d throw, I’d fetch.
    Forever.
    What an amazing game.
    Such fun.
    He’d laugh and talk human. I’d growl.
    I’d laugh if I could.
    Mostly, I’d just wag my tail.
    I think it’s sad that humans don’t have tails.
    Sometimes he’d lose focus, so I would nudge him.
    Maybe a little nip on the hand just to keep his head in the game.
    How much fun can one Golden Retriever and one human have?

    But lately he seems grumpy.

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    Sometimes, I wonder if he still loves me.
    I lick him anyway because he’s my favourite human in the world.
    I get so excited to see him.
    When he hugs me, my tail wags all by itself.
    I wonder why my kisses don’t make him happy like they used to.

    In the good old days, we would walk to the park every day.
    We’d hang out with other dogs and humans.
    I mostly played with Kelvin the fat Labrador and the Boss would laugh with Kelvin’s human; a female who smelled like vanilla.
    I licked her once.
    She didn’t taste so good.
    We don’t walk together much these days.
    And when we do, he talks on the phone.
    I hate that phone.
    I’m gonna eat it when he’s not looking.

    I liked it more when we lived in the first house.
    The little one.
    Three houses ago.
    He played with me the most in that house.
    I loved that place.
    He was happier and he didn’t yell at me for getting on the couch.
    Or chewing his shoes.
    We used to watch TV together on the couch every night.
    Well, I slept, he watched.

    He would rest his hand on my head.
    I like that.

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    Now we live in a big house, with a big stupid couch.
    A stupid couch for humans only.
    Not dogs.
    I don’t like the big house or the big couch.
    He makes me stay down on the stupid slippery polished floor boards.

    The other day I slid into the table and hurt my nose.
    Stupid floor boards.

    Walkies

      When I was puppy we used to go everywhere together.
      We would both ride in the old station wagon and I would put my head out the window.
      Or on his lap.
      It was the most fun ever.
      I don’t know why humans don’t do it.
      Head out the window, that is.
      Don’t they know?

      No more head out the window action for me these days though.
      Mr Serious has a new fancy schmancy car.
      Apparently, it’s a dog-free zone too.
      On the rare occasion that I do get a ride, I have to lie on three blankets.
      And no wind in my face.
      What’s the point of that?
      Like having a bone you can’t chew.
      Stupid.

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      We used to go to the beach every weekend in that old station wagon.
      We surfed together.
      Well, he surfed, I chased seagulls, played in the waves and rolled in the sand.
      He liked talking to the girl humans who wanted to play with me.
      They only talked to him because I was there.
      Sometimes he got kisses but I always got more.
      On the way home I would put my wet, sandy, hairy body on the front seat and he was happy I was next to him.
      I loved that car too.
      Those were the days.
      We haven’t done that since I was four.
      Five years ago.

      Too busy apparently.
      Too busy being successful and important to have fun with me.
      Glad I’m not successful, it doesn’t look like much fun.

      But I’m so adorable, I don’t understand why he doesn’t miss me.
      In fact, I don’t really understand him sometimes.
      He’s meant to be smarter than me but lately, I’m not so sure.
      I know I’m just a dog and I don’t really understand a lot of human stuff, but I do know about fun and happiness.

      He’s rarely happy these days.
      And he’s always too tired to do anything.
      Even when I pull his sleeve.
      Or lick his face.
      If he got rid of the stupid slippery floor, the dumb couch, the dumb car and played with me more, then he would be happy.
      Me too.
      I used to sleep on the end of his bed.
      Used to.
      (heavy sigh)
      But now he has a new dog-free bed too.
      Of course.
      It’s expensive and apparently I moult.
      Whatever that means.
      I hate that bed.
      I chew the legs when he’s not around.

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      Next year we’re moving to another house.
      A bigger one.
      Maybe that will make him happy.
      Hope so.
      Doubt it though.
      If I could speak, I’d tell him that too.
      I don’t get the big house thing; there’s only him and me.
      Us dogs don’t really care how big our kennel is, we just want to be near our human.

      Anyway, I’m very excited about today.
      I’m gonna hang out with Charlie for a while.
      He’s my buddy from over the fence.
      We made a hole so we can visit each other.
      I’m not really sure what kinda dog he is, but it doesn’t matter.
      He’s pretty smart but not quite as handsome as me.
      We do fun stuff together every day.

      Mostly we chase birds.
      I hate those birds.
      And we chew old lady Jacobs’ laundry baskets.
      We’ve eaten three of them.

      Baskets not birds.

      Then I might lie in the sun.
      And chew my foot for a while.
      I might have a power-nap too.
      Chasing birds makes me tired.
      I reckon the Boss should lie in the sun with me.
      And chew his foot for a while.
      It’s relaxing.
      It might help with his stress.

      Whatever that is.

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      Last Updated on January 14, 2019

      7 Ways To Make Exercise Fun For Everyone

      7 Ways To Make Exercise Fun For Everyone

      From Atkins to Paleo to eating gluten-free despite not being one of the rare few people afflicted with celiac disease, fad diets are everywhere. It drives me crazy because I believe these diets do more harm than good. Your body is made up of a variety of vitamins, nutrients, and minerals, and losing weight healthily isn’t possible when you fill your body with unnecessary synthetic plastics, sugars, and powders. There’s no easy button in life.

      What you need to do is exercise, which isn’t very appealing to many people. Workouts take work, so there’s already a stigma involved in going to the gym. Starting a healthy workout regimen becomes easier when you make it fun. If you want to live long and prosper, get off the couch and try these methods to turn your workout into a playout.

      1. Take the scenic route.

      Walking is an easy way to transition to a healthy lifestyle, and it’s free. Not only do you burn calories (check out this calculator for how many calories you burn based on your weight), but you see the world in a different way. Hiking in nature is great if you have access to it, but don’t let living in an urban area deter you from walking.

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      Whenever I’m creatively stuck I get my head straight by walking a couple of miles. It’s also how I discover new paths, meet new people, and stumble upon hole-in-the-wall spots I never would have found otherwise. You could drive past the same place every day and never appreciate the beauty, nor even notice it’s there.

      2. Distract yourself.

      No matter what exercise routine you choose, use the time to meditate. You may wonder how marathon runners are able to put so many miles on their bodies. It’s because the pain from running that you avoid is something they’ve learned to harness to enter a transcendental state. If you’re aware of the benefits of meditation and exercise but don’t have time to do both, you can combine them, killing two birds with one healthy stone.

      3. Listen to music or podcasts.

      There are few experiences in life more pleasurable than turning up the music and drowning out the world around you. With so many podcasts and music apps available on your smartphone, you can easily find entertainment options perfectly suited to your personal tastes. Never worry what people may think of you when working out;instead, crank up the volume and get lost in your own world. You’ll be in shape before you know it.

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      4. Bring a friend.

      Some people can’t go anywhere alone. While I highly recommend dining out and seeing a movie in a theater alone, having company while exercising is very helpful. It allows you to pace yourself with someone else, and gives you a coach to motivate and push harder than you may have on your own.

      Many exercises are safer when done with a friend, and some sports can only be played with another person. Involving others in your goals can mean the difference between success and failure. Just remember to continue exercising if the other person flakes, or they’ll be in control of your health.

      5. Accessorize.

      There are accessories that can make exercise easier, and sometimes buying a new toy can add some much-needed fun to your routine. With apps like RunKeeper and Nike+, your smartphone is capable of tracking your vitals and progress. Wrist weights can add a new dimension to your workout, and, if you exercise at night, a headlamp can help you see what’s in front of you so you don’t trip.

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      For urban runners and power-walkers, one of the biggest obstacles is other people. It’s difficult to get in your meditative zone and enjoy your music when you constantly have to dodge people. To resolve this vexing issue, Runbell, a startup in Tokyo, has developed the runner’s version of the bicycle bell. With this lightweight brass bell warning people you’re approaching from behind, you’re free to maintain your transcendental state while continuing your workout. Head to their Kickstarter campaign to pledge your support.

      6. Compete.

      A little healthy competition can motivate you to push yourself further in your workout regimen. There are apps like Zombies, Run! which turns your run into a video game, and MyFitnessPal which allows you to connect with others in the exercise community. Whether you’re directly competing with a friend, an online community, or against your previous self, setting goals is the key to reaching them. Running with no destination can feel like an impossible task, and it’s easy to get distracted.

      7. Relax.

      The best part about exercising is how much you enjoy the downtime. If you think laying on your couch all day is enjoyable, it has nothing on that hour you spend as a couch potato after a rigorous workout. Jay-Z said it best, “in order to experience joy, you need pain.” The harder you push yourself while exercising, the better you’ll feel when you’re relaxing.

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      With that said, don’t relax too much, or it loses the effect. It’s okay to indulge every so often. Treat yourself to some junk food you’re craving, imbibe a drink here and there, and spend a day vegging out on your couch. Staying healthy doesn’t have to be torture. Just turn down when you can and dedicate some time to better the health of your body. You only get one.

      Featured photo credit: tpsdave via pixabay.com

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