Advertising
Advertising

Kindness Can Be Counterintuitive When You’re a Parent

Kindness Can Be Counterintuitive When You’re a Parent

“Kindness is wisdom.” – Phillip James Bailey

Kindness is supposed to be simple and straightforward, right? Not necessarily. Just ask any parent about what is truly kind when it comes to raising kids, and you’ll find that a lot of it is far from intuitive. Here are few examples.

Advertising

To Help or Not to Help

Our intention: We want to help our kids succeed.

When you see someone struggling, it’s usually pretty obvious that the nice thing to do is to jump in and give them a hand. But that’s not always the best thing for children. Kids struggle with all kinds of things, from tying their shoes to navigating the social structure of high school. Sometimes, they really do need our help, but other times it’s better to let them work things out on their own. Before you leap to action, consider what your child should be able to handle at this age.

Advertising

The kind approach: If what they are attempting is age-appropriate, but they’re having a hard time of it, let them know that you’re available to help, but give them a chance to try (and even fail) before you assist. Without regular opportunities to try new things and to struggle to overcome obstacles (and sometimes fail), children can learn to be helpless and may be more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety.

Praise is Always Nice, Right?

Our intention: We want our kids to have healthy self-esteems and to feel that they can accomplish anything they set their mind to.

Advertising

Everyone likes to be praised for a job well done, and kids are no exception. So why not pile on the praise when your kids are fantastic in every way? Counterintuitive as it might be, too much praise can actually cause kids to avoid trying new things, put less effort into what they do and even fabricate the outcome of their efforts in order to continue to win praise from their parents.

The kind approach: Be moderate with praise but offer (appropriately) enthusiastic observations for every day tasks. For example, instead of telling your four-year-old: “What a gorgeous outfit you’ve put on! You must be a fashion prodigy!” You can say: “Look at that; you got dressed all by yourself!”

Advertising

“No.” That’s Just Mean

Our intention: We want our kids to have a positive outlook and to feel like their ideas are valid.

A lot of parents find themselves saying “yes” or not saying “no” far too often in an effort to avoid discouraging their kids. But sometimes, the kindest thing we can do for our kids is to say “no.” It feels particularly counterintuitive when they’re asking for something perfectly reasonable. And lots of people would argue that we should say “yes” as much as possible. But there has to be a limit, or you’ll burn yourself out and teach your kids they can have anything they ask for nicely. Unfortunately, this can lead to entitlement, boundaries that are too flexible, and acting out when things don’t go their way.

The kind approach: Consider all the factors, including safety, your own emotional or scheduling limits and what’s best for the whole family before saying “yes” to a request. Dr. Sears offers a number of creative ways to communicate “no” without actually saying the word, which can be just as effective in teaching limits and appropriate expectations.

Parenting with kindness is a laudable goal no matter how you approach it. Kindness requires a certain amount of wisdom—not only about what is happening right now but also how it will affect the future. Maybe that’s what makes it so tricky; sometimes it’s really hard to see that while eating candy right now will make our kids happy, waiting an hour for dinner is the kinder (and smarter) option.

More by this author

Kindness Can Be Counterintuitive When You’re a Parent Don’t Buy That! 10 Foods You Should Make at Home Five Things Your Kids Can Do that You Might Not Expect

Trending in Family

1 The Secrets to Balancing Work and Family Life 2 15 Best Father’s Day Gifts Your Father Won’t Buy On His Own 3 6 Ways to Care For Your Aging Parents From a Distance 4 What to Do If You Grew up in a Dysfunctional Family 5 How to Strengthen Family Bonds When You’re Staying at Home

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on September 18, 2020

7 Simple Rules to Live by to Get in Shape in Two Weeks

7 Simple Rules to Live by to Get in Shape in Two Weeks

Learning how to get in shape and set goals is important if you’re looking to live a healthier lifestyle and get closer to your goal weight. While this does require changes to your daily routine, you’ll find that you are able to look and feel better in only two weeks.

Over the years, I’ve learned a lot about what it takes to get in shape. Although anyone can cover the basics (eat right and exercise), there are some things that I could only learn through trial and error. Let’s cover some of the most important points for how to get in shape in two weeks.

1. Exercise Daily

It is far easier to make exercise a habit if it is a daily one. If you aren’t exercising at all, I recommend starting by exercising a half hour every day. When you only exercise a couple times per week, it is much easier to turn one day off into three days off, a week off, or a month off.

If you are already used to exercising, switching to three or four times a week to fit your schedule may be preferable, but it is a lot harder to maintain a workout program you don’t do every day.

Be careful to not repeat the same exercise routine each day. If you do an intense ab workout one day, try switching it up to general cardio the next. You can also squeeze in a day of light walking to break up the intensity.

Advertising

If you’re a morning person, check out these morning exercises that will start your day off right.

2. Duration Doesn’t Substitute for Intensity

Once you get into the habit of regular exercise, where do you go if you still aren’t reaching your goals? Most people will solve the problem by exercising for longer periods of time, turning forty-minute workouts into two hour stretches. Not only does this drain your time, but it doesn’t work particularly well.

One study shows that “exercising for a whole hour instead of a half does not provide any additional loss in either body weight or fat”[1].

This is great news for both your schedule and your levels of motivation. You’ll likely find it much easier to exercise for 30 minutes a day instead of an hour. In those 30 minutes, do your best to up the intensity to your appropriate edge to get the most out of the time.

3. Acknowledge Your Limits

Many people get frustrated when they plateau in their weight loss or muscle gaining goals as they’re learning how to get in shape. Everyone has an equilibrium and genetic set point where their body wants to remain. This doesn’t mean that you can’t achieve your fitness goals, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you are struggling to lose weight or put on muscle.

Advertising

Acknowledging a set point doesn’t mean giving up, but it does mean realizing the obstacles you face.

Expect to hit a plateau in your own fitness results[2]. When you expect a plateau, you can manage around it so you can continue your progress at a more realistic rate. When expectations meet reality, you can avoid dietary crashes.

4. Eat Healthy, Not Just Food That Looks Healthy

Know what you eat. Don’t fuss over minutia like whether you’re getting enough Omega 3’s or tryptophan, but be aware of the big things. Look at the foods you eat regularly and figure out whether they are healthy or not. Don’t get fooled by the deceptively healthy snacks just pretending to be good for you.

The basic nutritional advice includes:

  • Eat unprocessed foods
  • Eat more veggies
  • Use meat as a side dish, not a main course
  • Eat whole grains, not refined grains[3]

Advertising

Eat whole grains when you want to learn how to get in shape.

    5. Watch Out for Travel

    Don’t let a four-day holiday interfere with your attempts when you’re learning how to get in shape. I don’t mean that you need to follow your diet and exercise plan without any excursion, but when you are in the first few weeks, still forming habits, be careful that a week long break doesn’t terminate your progress.

    This is also true of schedule changes that leave you suddenly busy or make it difficult to exercise. Have a backup plan so you can be consistent, at least for the first month when you are forming habits.

    If travel is on your schedule and can’t be avoided, make an exercise plan before you go[4], and make sure to pack exercise clothes and an exercise mat as motivation to keep you on track.

    6. Start Slow

    Ever start an exercise plan by running ten miles and then puking your guts out? Maybe you aren’t that extreme, but burnout is common early on when learning how to get in shape. You have a lifetime to be healthy, so don’t try to go from couch potato to athletic superstar in a week.

    If you are starting a running regime, for example, run less than you can to start. Starting strength training? Work with less weight than you could theoretically lift. Increasing intensity and pushing yourself can come later when your body becomes comfortable with regular exercise.

    Advertising

    7. Be Careful When Choosing a Workout Partner

    Should you have a workout partner? That depends. Workout partners can help you stay motivated and make exercising more fun. But they can also stop you from reaching your goals.

    My suggestion would be to have a workout partner, but when you start to plateau (either in physical ability, weight loss/gain, or overall health) and you haven’t reached your goals, consider mixing things up a bit.

    If you plateau, you may need to make changes to continue improving. In this case it’s important to talk to your workout partner about the changes you want to make, and if they don’t seem motivated to continue, offer a thirty day break where you both try different activities.

    I notice that guys working out together tend to match strength after a brief adjustment phase. Even if both are trying to improve, something seems to stall improvement once they reach a certain point. I found that I was able to lift as much as 30-50% more after taking a short break from my regular workout partner.

    Final Thoughts

    Learning how to get in shape in as little as two weeks sounds daunting, but if you’re motivated and have the time and energy to devote to it, it’s certainly possible.

    Find an exercise routine that works for you, eat healthy, drink lots of water, and watch as the transformation begins.

    More Tips on Getting in Shape

    Featured photo credit: Alexander Redl via unsplash.com

    Reference

    Read Next