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How to Stop Obsessing over Your Body Image and Beat Negative Thoughts

How to Stop Obsessing over Your Body Image and Beat Negative Thoughts

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said or done any of the following:

  • Pinched your stomach for fat
  • Looked for cellulite somewhere on your body
  • Hated your body type
  • Looked at magazines and felt inadequate about yourself
  • Went on a diet in the last 3 months
  • Been envious of your thinner friends
  • Compared yourself to someone else

If you said yes to any of the above, fear not: you aren’t alone. Most of us have looked in the mirror, seen something we don’t like, and immediately started thinking negatively about our bodies. In fact, body dissatisfaction is at an all time high today, with millions of people struggling with eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder.

You likely know that you shouldn’t be spending so much time worrying about the externals, but you don’t know what to do to fix the problem. You try to tell yourself not to worry about your appearance, to be happy with who you are and to stop comparing yourself to others, yet, you still cling to your negative internal monologues. Why? Because you have no concrete tools to break out of your “stinking thinking” mentality.

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How does beating ourselves up and constantly ruminating about our bodies help us get what we want out of life? It doesn’t. In fact, it can cause feelings ranging from mild discontentment to severe depression.

How do you solve the problem? By making a decision: if you’re tired of beating yourself up, if you want to embrace your intrinsic worth and learn to actually start liking your body, here are some next steps to consider:

Take Notice

You can’t change what you don’t notice, so start paying attention to what you pay attention to. That means you have to key into what your mind is always focusing on during the day. Notice your self-talk and any behaviors that are self-limiting. Listen for negative patterns in your head. Are there consistent themes? Write them down. For example, you may feed yourself a steady diet of thoughts like, “I’m a loser, I’m fat; I’m unlovable because of my appearance.” Noticing these negative attributions is the first step to change.

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Watch for Thinking Errors

People who struggle with body image issues tend to gravitate toward certain thinking errors. Here are just a few of the biggies:

  • “All or nothing” thinking. I’m either perfect, or a total failure.
  • Magnifying/Catasphrophizing. Gaining a few pounds means no one will ever love me.
  • Emotional reasoning. I take my feelings and make them facts about my intrinsic worth. I feel fat so I am a loser.
  • Negative self. Negative ways of thinking that make it harder for me to achieve my goals or get what I want from life.

Watch for triggers

If TV, Internet, social media, the fashion industry, the food industry, or magazines trigger your negative feelings or feelings of inadequacy, steer clear of them for a while. This doesn’t mean you don’t read a magazine, or watch TV, it means you choose more wisely about what you want to put into your brain.

Stop Comparing

Every magazine out there will depress you if you compare yourself to the cover girls and guys. Even though you know they’re digitally enhanced, it’s still a bummer. Pay attention to who you’re comparing yourself to, and make a deliberate attempt to stop and reset your mind.

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Recognize the big four

Don’t try to be perfect: instead, practice accepting yourself. Stop judging yourself on your appearance or body image. There is a lot more to a person than how much they weigh—focus instead on your strengths and attributes. Be ware of your inner critic; try practicing being grateful for what you do have. Do not get stuck in victim mentality. The “poor me” syndrome will keep you stuck and going nowhere.

Develop positive counterstatements

Start a list of positive statements to refute the negative things you’re telling yourself: it’s important that you have some measure of belief in their veracity. Instead of saying “I hate my body”, try saying “I’m grateful I have a healthy body. I’m grateful I can go for a run or carry my child.” You may not be perfect, but who says you have to be?

Think of the bigger picture

Living in a world that places so much emphasis on how we look is hard, but there are so many things that are much more important than how much we weigh or whether we have cellulite. Try getting outside your head and do something of eternal significance. Go to Haiti to help rebuild; volunteer at a homeless shelter; or go visit someone in a nursing home. Actions like these will dramatically change your perspective about what matters.

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Perhaps the most important part of learning to like our bodies is being grateful for them.

Have you ever felt dissatisfied with your body? Ever struggled with negative self-defeating thinking when you look in the mirror? If so, what steps have you taken to beat stinking thinking?

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Rita Schulte LPC

Licensed Professional Counselor

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Last Updated on July 10, 2020

How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

How to Take Control of Your Life with Better Boundaries

We all have them—those hurtful, frustrating, offensive, manipulative people in our lives. No matter how hard we try to surround ourselves with positive and kind people, there will always be those who will disrespect, insult, berate, and misuse you if we allow them to.

We may, for a variety of reasons, not be able to avoid them, but we can determine how we interact with them and how we allow them to interact with us.

So, how to take control of your life and stop being pushed around?

Learning to set clear firm boundaries with the people in our lives at work and in our personal lives is the best way to protect ourselves from the negative effects of this kind of behavior.

What Boundaries Are (And What They’re Not)

Boundaries are limits

—they are not threats or ultimatums. Boundaries inform or teach. They are not a form of punishment.

Boundaries are firm lines—determined by you—which cannot be crossed by those around you. They are guidelines for how you will allow others to treat you and what kind of behaviors you will expect.

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Healthy personal boundaries help protect you from physical or emotional pain. You may also need to set firm boundaries at work to ensure you and your time are not disrespected. Don’t allow others to take advantage of your kindness and generosity.

Clear boundaries communicate to others that you demand respect and consideration—that you are willing to stand up for yourself and that you will not be a doormat for anyone. They are a “no trespassing” sign that makes it very clear when a line has been crossed and that there will be consequences for doing so.

Boundaries are not set with the intention of changing other people. They may change how people interact with you, but they are more about enforcing your needs than attempting to change the general behavior and attitude of others.

How to Establish Boundaries and Take Control of Your Life

Here are some ways that you can establish boundaries and take control of your life.

1. Self-Awareness Comes First

Before you can establish boundaries with others, you first need to understand what your needs are.

You are entitled to respect. You have the right to protect yourself from inappropriate or offensive behavior. Setting boundaries is a way of honoring your needs.

To set appropriate boundaries, you need to be clear about what healthy behaviors look like—what healthy relationships look like.

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You first have to become more aware of your feelings and honest with yourself about your expectations and what you feel is appropriate behavior:

  • Where do you need to establish better boundaries?
  • When do you feel disrespected?
  • When do you feel violated, frustrated, or angered by the behavior of others?
  • In what situations do you feel you are being mistreated or taken advantage of?
  • When do you want to be alone?
  • How much space do you need?

You need to honor your own needs and boundaries before you can expect others to honor them. This allows you to take control of your life.

2. Clear Communication Is Essential

Inform others clearly and directly what your expectations are. It is essential to have clear communication if you want others to respect your boundaries. Explain in an honest and respectful tone what you find offensive or unacceptable.

Many people simply aren’t aware that they are behaving inappropriately. They may never have been taught proper manners or consideration for others.

3. Be Specific but Don’t Blame

Taking a blaming or punishing attitude automatically puts people on the defensive. People will not listen when they feel attacked. It’s part of human nature.

That said, you do not need to overexplain or defend yourself. Boundaries are not open to compromise.

Sample language:

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  • “You may not…yell or raise your voice to me…”
  • “I need…to be treated with respect…”
  • “It’s not okay when…you take things from my desk without asking…”
  • “I won’t…do your work…cover for you anymore…”
  • “It’s not acceptable when…you ridicule or insult me…”
  • “I am uncomfortable when…you use offensive language”
  • “I will no longer be able to…lend you money…”

Being able to communicate these without sounding accusatory is essential if you want others to respect your boundaries so you can take control of your life.

4. Consequences Are Often Necessary

Determine what the appropriate consequences will be when boundaries are crossed. If it’s appropriate, be clear about those consequences upfront when communicating those boundaries to others.

Follow through. People won’t respect your boundaries if you don’t enforce them.

Standing our ground and forcing consequences doesn’t come easily to us. We want to be nice. We want people to like us, but we shouldn’t have to trade our self-respect to gain friends or to achieve success.

We may be tempted to let minor disrespect slide to avoid conflict, but as the familiar saying goes, “if you give people an inch, they’ll take a mile.”

It’s much easier to address offensive or inappropriate behavior now than to wait until that behavior has gotten completely out of hand.

It’s also important to remember that positive reinforcement is even more powerful than negative consequences. When people do alter the way they treat you, acknowledge it. Let people know that you notice and appreciate their efforts.

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Final Thoughts

Respect is always a valid reason for setting a boundary. Don’t defend yourself or your needs. Boundaries are often necessary to protect your time, your space, and your feelings. And these are essential if you want to take control of your life.

Start with the easiest boundaries first. Setting boundaries is a skill that needs to be practiced. Enlist support from others if necessary. Inform people immediately when they have crossed the line.

Don’t wait. Communicate politely and directly. Be clear about the consequences and follow them through.

The better you become at setting your own boundaries, the better you become at recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others.

Remember that establishing boundaries is your right. You are entitled to respect. You can’t control how other people behave, but you do have control over the way you allow people to treat you.

Learning to set boundaries is not always easy, but with time, it will become more comfortable. You may eventually find that boundaries become automatic and you no longer need to consciously set them.

They will simply become a natural extension of your self-respect.

Featured photo credit: Thomas Kelley via unsplash.com

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