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After I Read This I Decided Not To Say These Things To My Kids Anymore

After I Read This I Decided Not To Say These Things To My Kids Anymore

Are you a nagging parent who is always expressing opinions which reflect an overcritical attitude? Maybe your remarks sound harsh and discouraging and yet you never realized it. Perhaps you are alarming your kids unnecessarily. Maybe you are using comments which are totally ineffective. Read these 15 remarks which are unhelpful and at times hurtful. And discover what to say instead.

1. “Quit dawdling.”

You are under pressure to meet the deadline for getting out of the house on time. Your kid dawdles and takes ages to get ready. According to parenting experts, this message puts unnecessary pressure on the child. It is much better to say that you are going to have a race to get your shoes on. This helps the child develop time awareness skills through play, according to Miriam Stoppard, the author of Baby’s First Skills. You can also try to simply say, “Let’s get a move on.”

2. “I’m too fat.”

Kids do not need to hear all your obsessions about your own body image. If they do, they may become far too conscious of their own shape and become fixated, especially if they are on the chubby or skinny side. Talk about healthy eating and why you prefer certain foods. Avoid saying that certain foods make you fat. Try saying things like, “We’re eating greens because they really make us feel good.”

3. “Don’t talk to strangers.”

If you tell them this all the time, they will grow up fearful and overly suspicious. They will have to be exposed to risk at some point and learn how to deal with it. It is much better to teach them that most people, even if strangers, can be trusted. They can trust policemen, librarians and other public officials. It is much better to warn them about certain suspicious behavior which should put them on their guard instead of about strangers in general. Warn them about people asking them for help. It is preferable to act out scenarios by asking them what they would do, for example, “What would you do if …”, quoting one of the scenarios you have practised.

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4. “No ice cream unless you finish up your spinach.”

There is no point in using threats or bribes at mealtimes. It spoils the enjoyment of food for everybody. Perhaps we should be more relaxed about it. Susie Orbach, the author of Fat Is A Feminist Issue says that parental anxiety about food can lead to food disorders. We have to get the balance right between obsessing over calories and insisting that the child eats healthily. Try a remark such as, “This tastes really good, it’s similar to X that you really like.”

5. “Use your words.”

The problem with telling your child to brush up her vocabulary and try to express her feelings verbally is, that it may make the child feel uncomfortable and inadequate. It is probably still too early to expect them to remember all the words you have taught them. The parenting gurus rightly tell us that reading aloud to kids is one of the best ways to teach new words.

It is much better to say, “Are you feeling x or y…?” and “Let’s think about it.” so that you help them with using the new or difficult word. It also helps you to bond with your child. Otherwise, they will begin to feel that life at home is one long examination.

6. “Don’t spill your milk.”

This is a negative command, just like “Don’t run” or “Don’t touch the oven.” The problem with using negative commands is that they give the child no idea of what he or she should do instead! They actually put the wrong ideas into their heads and they are even more likely to touch the hot oven. A much better approach is to say something like, “Be careful with your glass of milk.” Or “Stay away from the oven.”

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 7. “Let me help.”

If you say and do this often enough, your child will never be able to solve problems on his own. Offering to help all the time is undermining the kid’s independence and may even interfering negatively with his or her development. They will never develop resilience, build skills or learn patience, as Daniel Coyle has suggested in this blog post. It is much better to ask a guiding question or make a suggestion. You can always say, “Have you tried using the bigger blocks?” when a child is trying to solve a puzzle.

 8. “You can cry all night.”

This harsh attitude is damaging to the child because there is no way she can get comfort or affection. According to psychologists, it is always important to take care of the child’s needs before desperation and distress set in. Many parents believe that taking this tough stance will lead to a more independent child. Actually, according to psychologists, the opposite is true and the child will grow up insecure. They recommend that soothing care should be timely. You can read them a story or repeat a nursery rhyme to them.

9. “What a smart kid you are.”

This is not enough to encourage a child in developing her self-esteem and confidence. These phrases which are blank statements do not focus on how the child actually achieved what he or she did. This is the view of Susan Newman, a social psychologist and parenting coach. A much better approach is to praise the child’s efforts and strategies. You could say, “I really liked the colors you chose for the picture of the house,” or “That was great when you passed the ball for the winning goal.”

10. “Wait until your father/mother gets home.”

If you resort to these tactics, you are probably not on the same page as your spouse in regards of discipline. Even worse, there may be a “good cop, bad cop” atmosphere which your kid will exploit for all its worth. It is a much better idea to deal with the discipline issue immediately and tell the child why. For example, you can say, “You are getting a time out because you hit your brother.”

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11. “You’re okay.”

If your kid is hurt and is crying, you may think the above remark is reassuring. It is not nearly enough to put things right as the child is in shock and needs support. You cannot brush it aside like that. A much more supportive comment would be, “Wow, that was a nasty fall.” Then you can offer first aid and a kiss to make it better.

12. “You should set a good example for your brother or sister.”

The problem here is that the older kids are a bit jealous of the all the attention the younger siblings get from their parents. This may result in bad behavior or just being difficult. Instead of criticizing a one-off, you could praise his usual behavior. You can say, “You know, your brother sees you as a good role model.”

13. “Don’t worry, that is not going to affect you at all.”

When kids watch national tragedies or wars and terrorism on TV, they naturally become worried and fretful. It may be a good idea to limit exposure to such events. But we have to be careful not to brush their fears aside nor try to brush it under the carpet. Talk about the safety procedures or emergency plans that are in place. You can say, “Mom and Dad will always be around to keep you safe so do not fret.”

14. “Don’t cry.”

If your child is upset about the death of a pet or some other tragedy, this remark is not helpful. It is not sufficient. It is important to tell them that it is perfectly normal to let it all out by crying but telling them to stop is not being supportive. A much better approach is to help them recognize that they are sad and that crying can help to express the sadness. You can say, “It’s normal to cry when someone dies. Let me give you a hug.”

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15. “If you don’t clean your room, you will be punished.”

Another threat using the rather menacing word ‘if’. Most parenting experts warn us that using too many threats or warnings is not the way to implement positive parenting. Too many warnings may result in a rather hostile atmosphere and it will be difficult to enjoy a happy home. It is much better to say something beginning with the word, ‘when.’ You could say, “When you have cleaned your room, then you can go out to play/watch TV.”

Do you have any tips on positive parenting that you would like to pass on to our readers?

Featured photo credit: Help for Troubled Teenagers/ Leanna Benn via flickr.com

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Robert Locke

Author of Ziger the Tiger Stories, a health enthusiast specializing in relationships, life improvement and mental health.

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Last Updated on November 18, 2020

50 Habits of Highly Successful People You Should Learn

50 Habits of Highly Successful People You Should Learn

If you’re like me and really into self-development, you’ve probably read many of the thousands of self-help books out there on the market. But also like me, you probably find all the information a bit overwhelming.

That’s why I wanted to do the self-less task of taking the most important, life-changing lessons I’ve drawn from these books and condensed them into 50 key points.

Here’re 50 habits of successful people you should learn:

1. Believe It to See It

Our minds tend to focus on what’s happening around us and refuse to see what could happen. Only when you trust in what’s possible and dare to dream big, big things can happen for you.

2. See Problems as a Wonderful Gift

While others only see problems and give up, successful people use the problem as a lesson to find improvement in themselves or the task at hand.

3. Keep Looking for Solutions

Even if they’re knee-deep in problems, successful people will still put all of their focus on finding solutions.

4. Remember It’s All About the Journey

Successful people are conscious and methodical in creating their own success. They don’t sit around doing the bare minimum, hoping success finds them.

5. Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

There’s so much fear on the road to success, but instead of letting that fear control and limit them, successful people do a good job of just forging ahead regardless.

6. Always Ask Productive Questions

It’s all about asking the right questions. Successful people make sure they are questions that will elicit information for a more productive, creative and positive mindset moving forward.

7. Understand the Best Waste of Energy Is Complaining

Successful people know that choosing to see the negative side of things will only create a useless and unproductive state.

8. Don’t Play the Blame Game

Taking responsibility for actions and outcomes is a form of empowerment that you can build your success upon. While the act of blaming others or outside circumstances takes this empowerment away from you.

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9. Maximize Your Strengths

Not every successful person is simply more talented than the rest, but they do use what they know they’re good at to achieve more successful results.

10. Be in It to Win It

Successful people are busy, productive and proactive. Instead of sitting around over-thinking and over-planning a great idea, they just take a step towards it no matter how small.

11. Know That Success Attracts Success

People who are successful surround themselves and seek out like-minded people. They understand the importance of being part of a team and forge win-win relationships.

12. Actually Choose to Be Successful

Dreaming big is a massive part of being successful even if your dream seems impossible. Ambition is a mindset that needs to be a daily conscious choice.

13. Visualize, Visualize, Visualize!

You’ve got to see your success in your mind’s eye even before it comes. Successful people clarify and get that certainty about what they want their reality to look like rather than being mere spectators of life.

14. Be a One-Off Original

Successful people look for what’s working and then create a unique spin on it. Imitating only regurgitates other people’s ideas with no originality.

15. The Perfect Time to Act Is Now

Waiting for the right time to act is basically procrastination wrapped up in an excuse. Successful people know there’s never a perfect time so they may as well just do it now.

16. Keep Learning, Keep Growing

Continuous learning is the key to a successful life. Whether it’s academic, being a student of life or actionable learning, it’s all about expanding your knowledge and personal development.

17. Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Successful people have the knack for finding positive aspects in all people and circumstances no matter what.

18. Having a Bad Day? Do It Anyway!

We all have bad moods but it shouldn’t be an excuse to stop everything. Giving into a bad mood just stop-starts your life, slowing success way down.

19. Sometimes Risky Business Is Needed

Calculated risks are a must for success. It’s about weighing the pros and cons while moving forward with that element of trust.

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20. Accept Challenge All the Time

Dealing with problems head-on is a must to be successful. Successful people also face challenges in order to improve themselves.

21. Make Your Own Luck

In the mindset of a successful person, there’s no such thing as ‘luck’ or ‘fate’. They take control to actively and consciously create their own best life.

22. Ignite Your Initiative

While many people are reactive, successful people are proactive – taking action before they have to.

23. Be the Master of Your Emotions

Being effective at managing emotions is key on the road to success. That’s not to say successful people don’t feel like we all do, but they’re just not slaves to their emotions.

24. Champion in Communication

Consciously working on effective communication skills gets anyone closer to success.

25. Plan Your Life Strategically

Successful people’s lives aren’t a clumsy series of unplanned events and outcomes, they methodically work at turning their plans into a reality.

26. Become Exceptional at What You Do

To become exceptional, you typically have to do things that most won’t. To become successful, hard decisions need to be made and acting on them is crucial.

27. Choose to Live Outside of Your Comfort Zone

While many people are pleasure junkies and avoid pain and discomfort at all costs, successful people understand the value and benefits of working through the tough stuff that most would avoid.

28. Live by Core Values

Successful people firstly identify their core values and what’s important to them, then do their best to live a life that reflects these values.

29. Realize Money Isn’t Everything

Money and success are not interchangeable and the most successful people understand this. Putting money on a pedestal and equating it to success is a dangerous mindset to have. Success comes in many forms.

30. Don’t Get Carried Away

Successful people understand the importance of discipline and self-control and as a result they are happy to take the road less travelled.

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31. Self-Worth Is Not Tied to Success

Successful people are secure. They do not derive their self-worth from what they own, who they know, where they live or what they look like.

32. Kindness Breeds Kindness (And Success)

Generosity and kindness is a common trait among long-term successful people. It’s important to take pleasure in helping others achieve.

33. More Humility, Less Arrogance

Successful people are humble and happy to admit and apologize for mistakes. This is because they’re confident in their ability. They are happy to learn from others and happy to make others look good rather than seek their own personal glory.

34. Change Opens New Doors

People who are successful are adaptable and embrace change, while the majority are creatures of comfort and habit. They are comfortable with, and embrace, the new and the unfamiliar.

35. Success Requires a Healthy Body

It’s not just how you think, it’s about how you show up for success. Successful people understand the importance of being physically well, not for vain reasons but because being in tiptop condition creates a better personal life for success.

36. Laziness Just Doesn’t Exist

Successful people are never considered lazy. Yes, they can relax when they need to, but working hard is their game.

37. Resilience by the Bucket Load

When difficulty strikes, most would throw in the towel, but successful people are just warming up.

38. Feedback Is Just Another Chance to Improve

How people react to feedback determines their potential for success. Being open to constructive criticism and acting on it to improve is most seen in those who are successful.

39. Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe

If people are hanging out with toxic and negative people, then they need to take a look at themselves. Successful people hang out with others who are positive and supportive.

40. Can’t Control It? Forget It

Successful people don’t invest time or emotional energy into things which they have no control of.

41. Swim Against the Tide

Successful people are not people-pleasers and they don’t need constant approval from others in order to move ahead.

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42. Alone Time Is Valuable Time

More self-worth means being more comfortable with your own company. Successful people are more happy and see the value in spending time alone.

43. Self-Standard Is Higher Than Most

Everyone has a choice to set high standards for themselves. Successful people do this, which in turn produces greater commitment, more momentum, a better work ethic and of course, better results.

44. Failure Isn’t Rationalized

While many use age, health, lack of time, ‘bad luck’, or lack of opportunity to explain away their failure, the key to success is finding a way to succeed despite facing these challenges.

45. Down Time Is an Important Part of a Routine

Having an off switch and taking time to do things that make them happy is a common trait of a successful person. Take a look at here The Importance of Scheduling Downtime.

46. Career Isn’t Who You Are, It’s What You Do

Successful people know their career isn’t their identity. They are multi-dimensional and don’t define themselves by their job.

47. Be Interested in Only the Path of Resistance

While most people look for the easiest way or the shortcut, successful people are more interested in the most effective way. They look for the course of action which will produce the best results over the long term.

48. Follow Through

Many spend their life starting things that they never finish, but successful people get the job done. Even when the excitement and the novelty has worn off they still follow through and finish.

49. Invest in All Your Dimensions

We’re not just physical and psychological beings, but emotional and spiritual creatures as well. Successful people consciously work at being healthy and productive on all levels.

50. Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

To obtain success, it’s important to practice what you preach. Successful people don’t talk about the theory, they live the reality.

So there you have it, a summary of what I’ve learned from self-help books. But of course, you need to start taking actions so you will get closer to success too.

Bonus: 5 Bad Habits To Quit

More About Success

Featured photo credit: Juan Jose via unsplash.com

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