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After I Read This I Decided Not To Say These Things To My Kids Anymore

After I Read This I Decided Not To Say These Things To My Kids Anymore

Are you a nagging parent who is always expressing opinions which reflect an overcritical attitude? Maybe your remarks sound harsh and discouraging and yet you never realized it. Perhaps you are alarming your kids unnecessarily. Maybe you are using comments which are totally ineffective. Read these 15 remarks which are unhelpful and at times hurtful. And discover what to say instead.

1. “Quit dawdling.”

You are under pressure to meet the deadline for getting out of the house on time. Your kid dawdles and takes ages to get ready. According to parenting experts, this message puts unnecessary pressure on the child. It is much better to say that you are going to have a race to get your shoes on. This helps the child develop time awareness skills through play, according to Miriam Stoppard, the author of Baby’s First Skills. You can also try to simply say, “Let’s get a move on.”

2. “I’m too fat.”

Kids do not need to hear all your obsessions about your own body image. If they do, they may become far too conscious of their own shape and become fixated, especially if they are on the chubby or skinny side. Talk about healthy eating and why you prefer certain foods. Avoid saying that certain foods make you fat. Try saying things like, “We’re eating greens because they really make us feel good.”

3. “Don’t talk to strangers.”

If you tell them this all the time, they will grow up fearful and overly suspicious. They will have to be exposed to risk at some point and learn how to deal with it. It is much better to teach them that most people, even if strangers, can be trusted. They can trust policemen, librarians and other public officials. It is much better to warn them about certain suspicious behavior which should put them on their guard instead of about strangers in general. Warn them about people asking them for help. It is preferable to act out scenarios by asking them what they would do, for example, “What would you do if …”, quoting one of the scenarios you have practised.

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4. “No ice cream unless you finish up your spinach.”

There is no point in using threats or bribes at mealtimes. It spoils the enjoyment of food for everybody. Perhaps we should be more relaxed about it. Susie Orbach, the author of Fat Is A Feminist Issue says that parental anxiety about food can lead to food disorders. We have to get the balance right between obsessing over calories and insisting that the child eats healthily. Try a remark such as, “This tastes really good, it’s similar to X that you really like.”

5. “Use your words.”

The problem with telling your child to brush up her vocabulary and try to express her feelings verbally is, that it may make the child feel uncomfortable and inadequate. It is probably still too early to expect them to remember all the words you have taught them. The parenting gurus rightly tell us that reading aloud to kids is one of the best ways to teach new words.

It is much better to say, “Are you feeling x or y…?” and “Let’s think about it.” so that you help them with using the new or difficult word. It also helps you to bond with your child. Otherwise, they will begin to feel that life at home is one long examination.

6. “Don’t spill your milk.”

This is a negative command, just like “Don’t run” or “Don’t touch the oven.” The problem with using negative commands is that they give the child no idea of what he or she should do instead! They actually put the wrong ideas into their heads and they are even more likely to touch the hot oven. A much better approach is to say something like, “Be careful with your glass of milk.” Or “Stay away from the oven.”

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 7. “Let me help.”

If you say and do this often enough, your child will never be able to solve problems on his own. Offering to help all the time is undermining the kid’s independence and may even interfering negatively with his or her development. They will never develop resilience, build skills or learn patience, as Daniel Coyle has suggested in this blog post. It is much better to ask a guiding question or make a suggestion. You can always say, “Have you tried using the bigger blocks?” when a child is trying to solve a puzzle.

 8. “You can cry all night.”

This harsh attitude is damaging to the child because there is no way she can get comfort or affection. According to psychologists, it is always important to take care of the child’s needs before desperation and distress set in. Many parents believe that taking this tough stance will lead to a more independent child. Actually, according to psychologists, the opposite is true and the child will grow up insecure. They recommend that soothing care should be timely. You can read them a story or repeat a nursery rhyme to them.

9. “What a smart kid you are.”

This is not enough to encourage a child in developing her self-esteem and confidence. These phrases which are blank statements do not focus on how the child actually achieved what he or she did. This is the view of Susan Newman, a social psychologist and parenting coach. A much better approach is to praise the child’s efforts and strategies. You could say, “I really liked the colors you chose for the picture of the house,” or “That was great when you passed the ball for the winning goal.”

10. “Wait until your father/mother gets home.”

If you resort to these tactics, you are probably not on the same page as your spouse in regards of discipline. Even worse, there may be a “good cop, bad cop” atmosphere which your kid will exploit for all its worth. It is a much better idea to deal with the discipline issue immediately and tell the child why. For example, you can say, “You are getting a time out because you hit your brother.”

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11. “You’re okay.”

If your kid is hurt and is crying, you may think the above remark is reassuring. It is not nearly enough to put things right as the child is in shock and needs support. You cannot brush it aside like that. A much more supportive comment would be, “Wow, that was a nasty fall.” Then you can offer first aid and a kiss to make it better.

12. “You should set a good example for your brother or sister.”

The problem here is that the older kids are a bit jealous of the all the attention the younger siblings get from their parents. This may result in bad behavior or just being difficult. Instead of criticizing a one-off, you could praise his usual behavior. You can say, “You know, your brother sees you as a good role model.”

13. “Don’t worry, that is not going to affect you at all.”

When kids watch national tragedies or wars and terrorism on TV, they naturally become worried and fretful. It may be a good idea to limit exposure to such events. But we have to be careful not to brush their fears aside nor try to brush it under the carpet. Talk about the safety procedures or emergency plans that are in place. You can say, “Mom and Dad will always be around to keep you safe so do not fret.”

14. “Don’t cry.”

If your child is upset about the death of a pet or some other tragedy, this remark is not helpful. It is not sufficient. It is important to tell them that it is perfectly normal to let it all out by crying but telling them to stop is not being supportive. A much better approach is to help them recognize that they are sad and that crying can help to express the sadness. You can say, “It’s normal to cry when someone dies. Let me give you a hug.”

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15. “If you don’t clean your room, you will be punished.”

Another threat using the rather menacing word ‘if’. Most parenting experts warn us that using too many threats or warnings is not the way to implement positive parenting. Too many warnings may result in a rather hostile atmosphere and it will be difficult to enjoy a happy home. It is much better to say something beginning with the word, ‘when.’ You could say, “When you have cleaned your room, then you can go out to play/watch TV.”

Do you have any tips on positive parenting that you would like to pass on to our readers?

Featured photo credit: Help for Troubled Teenagers/ Leanna Benn via flickr.com

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Robert Locke

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Last Updated on August 15, 2018

7 Amazing Things That Will Happen When You Do Plank Every Day

7 Amazing Things That Will Happen When You Do Plank Every Day

Bodyweight exercises are gaining ground in the fitness world due to the practicality and simplicity of getting in shape using your own body weight. Planks are one form of bodyweight exercises that will never go out of fashion. Planks are one of the most effective exercises you can do. Why? Because they require a small time investment on your part, and offer the chance to achieve substantial results in a relatively short span of time.

Video Summary

Why is it important to train up our core strength?

There are numerous sites and blogs which detail ways to build your core muscles or core strength. Often though, these sites neglect to explain what your core muscles actually are, and why building them is important.

This is quite surprising, as core muscles are quite easy to explain. Your core muscles are a series of muscles in your midsection, and are used in most forms of movement. Though they aren’t housed in your arms or legs, your core muscles can help transfer force from one limb to another, or are used in addition to muscles in your arms or legs to increase their effectiveness. As such a strong core will make a big improvement on your ability to move and exercise further.

Also they are great for helping other muscles in your midsection such as your abdominal muscles. Your abdominal muscles are important for supporting your back and spinal column, and as such are important aids in preventing injuries. However for them to be most effective you need to spend a lot of time developing your core muscles.

In short, planking exercises can make a huge improvement in your muscles down your whole body. Making them a hugely effective exercise to perform.

One Exercise, multiple benefits

There are few forms of exercise as effective at building your core as planking exercises. However, planking exercises benefit far more than just your core strength.

By holding yourself in the position for a planking exercise, you’ll notice that your biceps, neck, and shoulder muscles are also being tested and strained. This this encouraging their buildup and development. This is great news if you like to do press ups, developed shoulder muscles will have a big impact on your press up performance.

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When planking, you are holding yourself up through your arms and biceps and so by holding a planking position, your arm muscles are being toned and developed. Making planking a great alternative exercise to other forms of bicep developing exercises.

Moving down your midsection, successful plank exercises actually develop the muscles in your butt! These muscles tend to be ignored by a lot of exercises, so this is another great benefit of plank exercises.

In much the same way as you develop your biceps and arm muscles, holding the planking position helps develop the muscles in your thighs too.

What is even better is that planking exercises don’t take much time at all. In fact you should probably only spend about ten minutes max per day in the planking exercise.

What will happen when you start doing planks every day

    1. You’ll improve core definition and performance: 

    Planks are an ideal exercise for the abdominal muscles exactly because they engage all major core muscle groups including the transverse abdominus, the rectus abdominusthe external oblique muscle, and the glutes. The importance of strengthening each muscle group cannot be underestimated either, for all of these groups serve their own purpose. If you strengthen these muscle groups you will notice:

    • Transverse abdominis: increased ability to lift heavier weights.
    • Rectus adbominis: improved sports performance, particularly with jumping. This muscle group is also responsible for giving you the renowned six pack look.
    • Oblique muscles: improved capacity for stable side-bending and waist-twisting
    • Glutes: a supported back and a strong, shapely booty.

    2. You’ll decrease your risk of injury in the back and spinal column

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      Doing planks is a type of exercise that allow you to build muscle while also making sure that you are not putting too much pressure on your spine or hips. According to the American Council on Exercise, doing planks regularly not only significantly reduces back pain but it also strengthens your muscles and ensures a strong support for your entire back, especially in the areas around your upper back.

      Check out this article if you would like to find out about how doing planks on different surfaces can impact the effectiveness of this exercise in strengthening your core.

      3. You’ll experience an increased boost to your overall metabolism

        Planking is an excellent way of challenging your entire body because doing them every day will burn more calories than other traditional abdominal exercises, such as crunches or sit-ups. The muscles you strengthen by doing this exercise on a day-to-day basis will ensure that you burn more energy even when sedentary. This is especially important if you are spending the majority of your day sitting in front of a computer. Also, making it a daily 10- to 1 minute home exercise before or after work will not only provide an enhanced metabolic rate but it will also ensure that that metabolic rate remains high all day long, (yes, even while you are asleep).

        4. You’ll significantly improve your posture

          Planking exercises have a great impact and improvement on your posture. This is great news as a strong posture brings with it a huge number of fantastic benefits .

          A good posture keeps your bones and joins in the correct alignment which means both your bones and joints will be better maintained and more healthy, but also means the overall effectiveness of your muscles will be improved.

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          A good posture will ensure your back or spine is in the correct position and so you will suffer less back pain.

          On top of everything, someone with good posture looks better, healthier, and more confident.

          5. You’ll improve overall balance

            Have you ever felt that when you tried standing on one leg, you couldn’t stand up straight for more than a couple of seconds? It’s not because you were drunk- unless you happened to be at the time!-  but rather, it’s because your abdominal muscles weren’t strong enough to give you the balance you needed. Through improving your balance by doing side planks and planks with extensions you will boost your performance in every kind of sporting activity.

            6. You’ll become more flexible than ever before

              Flexibility is a key benefit of doing planks regularly, for this form of exercise expands and stretches all your posterior muscle groups – shouldersshoulder blades, and collarbone – while also stretching your hamstrings, arches of your feet, and toes. With a side plank added in to the mix, you can also work on your oblique muscles. This will provide you with further benefits when it comes to hyper-extending your toes, a movement that is crucial for supporting your body’s weight.

              7. You’ll witness mental benefits

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                Plank exercises have a particular effect on our nerves, making them an excellent means of improving overall mood. How? Well, they stretch out muscle groups that contribute to stress and tension in the body. Just think about it: you are sitting in your chair, at home or at work, all day long; your thigh muscles get tight, your legs get heavy due to being bent for several hours; and tension develops in your shoulders due to being forced to slump forward all day. These are all circumstances that put too stress on the muscles and nerves. The good news is that planks not only calm your brain, but they can also treat anxiety and symptoms of depression– but only if you make it part of your daily routine.

                How to hold a plank position

                1. Get into pushup position on the floor.
                2. Now bend your elbows 90 degrees and rest your weight on your forearms.
                3. Keep your torso straight and rigid and your body in a straight line from ears to toes with no sagging or bending.
                4. Your head is relaxed and you should be looking at the floor.
                5. Hold the position for as long as you can.
                6. Remember to breathe. Inhale and exhale slowly and steadily.
                7. When your form begins to suffer, pull the plug. You’re only benefiting from the plank by actually doing the plank.

                Watch the video if you have any doubt!

                Here is a great infographic that shows the best plank variation exercises to evenly target all abdominal muscle groups:

                  How to improve your plank time gradually

                  1. Start with the easier variation if needed. You can start with a bent-knee plank if you can’t perform a regular plank yet. If you can hold a plank for more than two minutes with ease, you can move on to these tougher variations.
                  2. Practise every day. Space your planking exercise throughout the day and do 3-4 times every day. Try to hold the position 10 seconds longer each time.
                  3. Perform other body-weight exercises at the same time. Push-up and squat will improve your core strength too.

                  Are you ready to devote 5-10 minutes of your day, every day, to stay fit, healthy and, most importantly, strong as a bull? Then jump in and make doing plank exercises a part of your life.

                  Who Should Be Cautious Doing The Plank?

                  You need to be cautious doing Planking exercises if any of these risks apply to you:

                  • Prolapse
                  • After prolapse surgery
                  • Pelvic pain conditions
                  • Weak or poorly functioning pelvic floor muscles
                  • Previous childbirth
                  • Overweight

                  Choose an alternative pelvic floor abdominal exercise or consult your doctor before performing plank regularly.

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