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Halloween D.I.Y Project: Make Your Own Zombie

Halloween D.I.Y Project: Make Your Own Zombie
Make Your Own Zombie

    One of the most overlooked yet incredibly useful personal productivity tools available today is the zombie. Though incapable of many creative tasks, they are ideal for most corporate work, and suitable for all manner of tasks requiring physical strength, repetitive actions, risk to life and limb, or the death of your enemies. What’s more, zombies work for free (though you must remember never to feed them anything with salt in it). What better way is there to Get Things Done?

    Zombies are the ultimate D.I.Y. project, and uses only natural materials (though handle them with care, lest you find you’ve zombified yourself). Follow these simple steps and you’ll have your own zombie ready to work in no time!

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    (Note: The creation of zombies is regulated by law in some principalities. Please check your local statutes on zombie creation and ensure all relevant permissions and licenses are obtained before undertaking such a project. The following information is offered for education purposes only; the author assumes no liability for damages suffered as a result of readers’ use of this information.)
    The secret of zombie-making is in the coupe poudre, a powder that is rubbed onto or otherwise introduced onto the skin of your future zombie servant. While recipes for coupe poudre are a closely guarded secret, a little trial and error should get you there — try experimenting on unwanted pets before taking on a human victim. You’ll need the following materials:

    1. Tetrodotoxin: A neurotoxin found in the liver and ovaries of the pufferfish Fugu rubripes, tetrodotoxin administered in the right dosage causes paralysis and the reduction of the metabolism and heart rate, causing the future zombie to appear dead to all but the most sensitive medical equipment. This is the same fugu found in the sushi specialty, which causes several deaths annually (more than a few of which “dead” have woken up in the morgue when the toxin wore off, causing quite a scare among morgue workers!) An important side effect of tetrodotoxin is that the victim, though appearing dead, remains fully conscious — this will be crucial to the success of your project.
    2. Bufotenin: The cane toad, or Bufo marinus, secretes a white, milky irritant called bufotenin from glands at the rear of its head. This highly toxic irritant can inflame the eyes and skin, and even kill small cats and dogs (so handle carefully). Bufotenin also causes mild hallucinations, and is a controlled substance in many parts of the world.
    3. The skin of the Dominican tree frog: The tree frogs found in Dominican Republic and Haiti produce an irritating secretion similar to, but far less deadly than, that of the cane toad. Rich in this secretion, the skins are dried and ground, producing a skin irritant that causes tiny wounds in the skin’s surface and allows the toxins to enter the bloodstream.
    4. A clay jar: Used to hold the zombie’s ti-bon anj (the part of the soul responsible for free will and human agency). Any earthenware jar should work fine, so long as it’s large enough to hold a ti-bon anj — however, you’ll be keeping this for the length of your zombie’s service, so make sure it’s an easily identified jar you won’t mind showing off to visitors.
    5. Other ingredients: Although the ingredients above are key, other ingredients may be added to suit your own personal taste and style. Ground tarantulas, shaved-off pieces of human skulls, and other additions add that dash of individuality to your recipe, letting your zombies know you really care!

    The ingredients are mixed together and ground into a powder, which is often left to age for a couple days to build up magical potency. You’ll have to figure out how to introduce the coupe poudre into your victim’s system — perhaps sprinkle it on their bedclothes? However you do it, the result should be their apparent death. Try not to appear too eager at this point; zombie-masters are not always well-received in many communities. After suitable ceremonies and mourning and the preparation of the body, your future zombie will be buried.

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    Remember: assuming your preparation worked, your victim is not only still alive but fully conscious. While you are preparing for the second stage of your project, your future zombie is being buried alive while hallucinating badly because of the effects of the bufotenin. This trauma is the raw clay from which you will reform your new zombie’s psyche; revel in it a bit.

    After a suitable time period — not long enough for your victim to die of asphyxiation in their coffin, but long enough so that there aren’t likely to be any mourners standing vigil over the gravesite — you will need to dig up your zombie and revive her or him. For this step, you will use another preparation made from the datura plant, known in Haiti as “zombie cucumber”.

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    Datura is very high in two dangerous alkaloid compounds, scopolamine and atropine. The atropine is a stimulant used in modern medicine to help revive heart attack patients; you will be using it to “jump start” your zombie’s metabolism. It is also a hallucinogen, as is scopolamine, though not quite as potent. Scopolamine is a powerful hallucinogen, but has other important properties, most notably causing amnesia and long-term memory loss, causing your victim to forget most of the details of his or her past. It also makes your subject extremely suggestible (hence its use by many bad people as a “date-rape drug” and experiments by the CIA for use as a truth serum).

    Psychologically damaged by the experience of being paralyzed for days and buried alive, hallucinating badly much of the time, and then administered high doses of further mind-altering substances, your subject will now be completely zombified — a zombie worker completely obedient to your commands. The uses of a zombie are numerous: pick up dry cleaning, write your division’s quarterly earnings report, harvest your sugar cane, attack your co-workers — the possibilities are endless. Periodic administrations of the zombie cucumber may be necessary; use your own judgment. Remember not to feed it any salt or the spell will be broken, and while ex-zombie attacks on their former masters are rare, they are not unheard of. Also, you’d probably do best to keep it away from renowned zombie-fighting troubadour Jonathan Coulton.

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    Good luck, and happy Halloween!

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    Last Updated on January 2, 2019

    7 Steps For Making a New Year’s Resolution and Keeping It

    7 Steps For Making a New Year’s Resolution and Keeping It

    Are you keen to reinvent yourself this year? Or at least use the new year as a long overdue excuse to get rid of bad habits or pick up new ones?

    Yes, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when we feel as if we have to turn over a new leaf. The time when we misguidedly imagine that the arrival of a new year will magically provide the catalyst, motivation and persistence we need to reinvent ourselves.

    Traditionally, New Year’s Day is styled as the ideal time to kick start a new phase in your life and the time when you must make your all important new year’s resolution. Unfortunately, the beginning of the year is also one of the worst times to make a major change in your habits because it’s often a relatively stressful time, right in the middle of the party and vacation season.

    Don’t set yourself up for failure this year by vowing to make huge changes that will be hard to keep. Instead follow these seven steps for successfully making a new year’s resolution you can stick to for good.

    1. Just pick one thing

    If you want to change your life or your lifestyle don’t try to change the whole thing at once. It won’t work. Instead pick one area of your life to change to begin with.

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    Make it something concrete so you know exactly what change you’re planning to make. If you’re successful with the first change you can go ahead and make another change after a month or so. By making small changes one after the other, you still have the chance to be a whole new you at the end of the year and it’s a much more realistic way of doing it.

    Don’t pick a New Year’s resolution that’s bound to fail either, like running a marathon if you’re 40lbs overweight and get out of breath walking upstairs. If that’s the case resolve to walk every day. When you’ve got that habit down pat you can graduate to running in short bursts, constant running by March or April and a marathon at the end of the year. What’s the one habit you most want to change?

    2. Plan ahead

    To ensure success you need to research the change you’re making and plan ahead so you have the resources available when you need them. Here are a few things you should do to prepare and get all the systems in place ready to make your change.

    Read up on it – Go to the library and get books on the subject. Whether it’s quitting smoking, taking up running or yoga or becoming vegan there are books to help you prepare for it. Or use the Internet. If you do enough research you should even be looking forward to making the change.

    Plan for success – Get everything ready so things will run smoothly. If you’re taking up running make sure you have the trainers, clothes, hat, glasses, ipod loaded with energetic sounds at the ready. Then there can be no excuses.

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    3. Anticipate problems

    There will be problems so make a list of what they’ll be. If you think about it, you’ll be able to anticipate problems at certain times of the day, with specific people or in special situations. Once you’ve identified the times that will probably be hard work out ways to cope with them when they inevitably crop up.

    4. Pick a start date

    You don’t have to make these changes on New Year’s Day. That’s the conventional wisdom, but if you truly want to make changes then pick a day when you know you’ll be well-rested, enthusiastic and surrounded by positive people. I’ll be waiting until my kids go back to school in February.

    Sometimes picking a date doesn’t work. It’s better to wait until your whole mind and body are fully ready to take on the challenge. You’ll know when it is when the time comes.

    5. Go for it

    On the big day go for it 100%. Make a commitment and write it down on a card. You just need one short phrase you can carry in your wallet. Or keep it in your car, by your bed and on your bathroom mirror too for an extra dose of positive reinforcement.

    Your commitment card will say something like:

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    • I enjoy a clean, smoke-free life.
    • I stay calm and in control even under times of stress.
    • I’m committed to learning how to run my own business.
    • I meditate daily.

    6. Accept failure

    If you do fail and sneak a cigarette, miss a walk or shout at the kids one morning don’t hate yourself for it. Make a note of the triggers that caused this set back and vow to learn a lesson from them.

    If you know that alcohol makes you crave cigarettes and oversleep the next day cut back on it. If you know the morning rush before school makes you shout then get up earlier or prepare things the night before to make it easier on you.

    Perseverance is the key to success. Try again, keep trying and you will succeed.

    7. Plan rewards

    Small rewards are great encouragement to keep you going during the hardest first days. After that you can probably reward yourself once a week with a magazine, a long-distance call to a supportive friend, a siesta, a trip to the movies or whatever makes you tick.

    Later you can change the rewards to monthly and then at the end of the year you can pick an anniversary reward. Something that you’ll look forward to. You deserve it and you’ll have earned it.

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    Whatever your plans and goals are for this year, I’d do wish you luck with them but remember, it’s your life and you make your own luck.

    Decide what you want to do this year, plan how to get it and go for it. I’ll definitely be cheering you on.

    Are you planning to make a New Year’s resolution? What is it and is it something you’ve tried to do before or something new?

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