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If You Think Your Relationship Is Holding You Back, Read This.

If You Think Your Relationship Is Holding You Back, Read This.

One of the worst feelings you can have in a relationship is the notion that your partner and the relationship itself is holding you back. You sit there thinking about what you could be doing if you were with someone else or single altogether. The grass always looks greener on the other side. Is it really, though? Let’s find out.

Why do you feel held back?

The most important thing to figure out is what exactly makes you feel held back. You may be surprised by the answer. My ex-girlfriend felt like I was holding her back because we didn’t go out as often as she wanted. We broke up, I moved out, and she still doesn’t go anywhere. It turns out it wasn’t my fault after all, it was her work schedule. There went a perfectly good relationship down the drain over something I had nothing to do with. Thus, it is important to look at what’s actually holding you down and not what you think is holding you down.

Have you been communicating your feelings?

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holding you back

    In a lot of instances your partner wants what’s best for you. They can’t possibly know what you need if you don’t tell them. Your goals, aspirations, needs, and wants are virtually unknown if you don’t tell your partner what they are. They may very well be willing and able to help you and fix these feelings that you have. By not telling them you’re essentially sabotaging your own relationship because you’re resenting them for something they don’t know they’re doing because they don’t know what you need. Think about that.

    How does your partner really make you feel?

    It’s very important to put what your significant other does for you into perspective. Maybe they’re doing more than you think they are. Maybe they’re doing less than you think they are. Regardless, you should see exactly what roll they play in your life. If it’s not a big enough roll, maybe it’s time you gave them a big enough roll. If you look at what they’ve done and it’s virtually nothing, maybe it’s time to cut them loose. In either case, if you’re feeling held back in a relationship chances are that there is something going on that you’re missing.

    Does your relationship define you?

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    holding you back

      This is probably the toughest question on this list that you need to answer. It’s tough to see how you define yourself. Have you changed for your relationship? Is it a change you like? Here’s the catch-22: Everyone has to change for their relationship at least a little bit. You can’t be the same person you were when you were single. On the other hand, if you change too much you could lose your identity. If everything you do is for the relationship and you don’t make time for yourself anymore, then you should talk to your partner about these feelings. Like we said earlier, he or she can’t fix a problem they don’t know you’re having.

      Does your partner appreciate and support you?

      It seems like a harmless and easy question but different people express themselves in different ways. What you think appreciation and support should look like may differ from what other people think appreciation and support looks like. Like we’ve mentioned a bunch of times already, communication is the key here. If you don’t feel appreciated, it’s time to talk to your partner about it. They’re either dropping the ball or maybe they’re appreciating and supporting you in a way that you’re not accustomed to. You should find out which it is.

      Do you actually feel held back?

      Is the feeling you have actually one of someone who is being held back? Depression can come in many forms. Feelings of inadequacy can as well. What you may be experiencing is a wholly different feeling altogether. Mistaking one feeling for another isn’t something to be embarrassed or ashamed about because it happens all the time. People may appear angry about something when they’re really upset about something else entirely. While we’re on this quest of self discovery, ask yourself if maybe the trapped feeling you have isn’t something different.

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      Objectively, would you really be happier without your partner?

      holding you back

        When you’re thinking about something that appears to be better than what you have now, it’s important to imagine what it would truly be like without someone. When we think of leaving someone, we only think of the good things. You’ll get rid of some bad feelings but you’ll also get rid of a lot of good feelings. It’s important to truly weigh what you’re losing with what you would gain if you ended your relationship.

        The bottom line is that you should make absolutely sure things are the way you think they are before you make any actions. There is always a chance you’re blowing things out of proportion (we’ve all done it) and that things simply aren’t that bad. They may very well be much worse! In either case, make sure you think long and hard about it because if you blow up your relationship, chances are you won’t be able to get it back.

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        Featured photo credit: Skyrim via cdn.vanillaforums.com

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        Joseph Hindy

        A writer, editor, and YouTuber who likes to share about technology and lifestyle tips.

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        Last Updated on September 18, 2020

        13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

        13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

        For the original article by Celestine: 13 Helping Points When Things Don’t Go Your Way

        “We all have problems. The way we solve them is what makes us different.” ~Unknown

        “It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.” – Hans Selye

        Have you ever experienced moments when things just don’t go your way? For example, losing your keys, accidentally spilling your drink, waking up late, missing your buses/trains, forgetting to bring your things, and so on?

        You’re not alone. All of us, myself included, experience times when things don’t go as we expect.

        Here is my guide on how to deal with daily setbacks.

        1. Take a step back and evaluate

        When something bad happens, take a step back and evaluate the situation. Some questions to ask yourself:

        1. What is the problem?
        2. Are you the only person facing this problem in the world today?
        3. How does this problem look like at an individual level? A national level? On a global scale?
        4. What’s the worst possible thing that can happen to you as a result of this?
        5. How is it going to impact your life in the next 1 year? 5 years? 10 years?

        Doing this exercise is not to undermine the problem or disclaiming responsibility, but to consider different perspectives, so you can adopt the best approach for it. Most problems we encounter daily may seem like huge issues when they crop up, but most, if not all, don’t have much impact in our life beyond that day.

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        2. Vent if you have to, but don’t linger on the problem

        If you feel very frustrated and need to let off some steam, go ahead and do that. Talk to a friend, complain, crib about it, or scream at the top of your lungs if it makes you happy.

        At the same time, don’t get caught up with venting. While venting may temporarily relieve yourself, it’s not going to solve the problem ultimately. You don’t want to be an energy vampire.

        Vent if there’s a need to, but do it for 15 to 20 minutes. Then move on.

        3. Realize there are others out there facing this too

        Even though the situation may be frustrating, you’re not alone. Remember there are almost 7 billion people in the world today, and chances are that other people have faced the same thing before too. Knowing it’s not just you helps you to get out of a self-victimizing mindset.

        4. Process your thoughts/emotions

        Process your thoughts/emotions with any of the four methods:

        1. Journal. Write your unhappiness in a private diary or in your blog. It doesn’t have to be formal at all – it can be a brain dump on rough paper or new word document. Delete after you are done.
        2. Audio taping. Record yourself as you talk out what’s on your mind. Tools include tape recorder, your PC (Audacity is a freeware for recording/editing audio) and your mobile (most mobiles today have audio recording functions). You can even use your voice mail for this. Just talking helps you to gain awareness of your emotions. After recording, play back and listen to what you said. You might find it quite revealing.
        3. Meditation. At its simplest form, meditation is just sitting/lying still and observing your reality as it is – including your thoughts and emotions. Some think that it involves some complex mambo-jumbo, but it doesn’t.
        4. Talking to someone. Talking about it with someone helps you work through the issue. It also gets you an alternate viewpoint and consider it from a different angle.

        5. Acknowledge your thoughts

        Don’t resist your thoughts, but acknowledge them. This includes both positive and negative thoughts.

        By acknowledging, I mean recognizing these thoughts exist. So if say, you have a thought that says, “Wow, I’m so stupid!”, acknowledge that. If you have a thought that says, “I can’t believe this is happening to me again”, acknowledge that as well.

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        Know that acknowledging the thoughts doesn’t mean you agree with them. It’s simply recognizing the existence of said thoughts so that you can stop resisting yourself and focus on the situation on hand.

        6. Give yourself a break

        If you’re very stressed out by the situation, and the problem is not time sensitive, then give yourself a break. Take a walk, listen to some music, watch a movie, or get some sleep. When you’re done, you should feel a lot more revitalized to deal with the situation.

        7. Uncover what you’re really upset about

        A lot of times, the anger we feel isn’t about the world. You may start off feeling angry at someone or something, but at the depth of it, it’s anger toward yourself.

        Uncover the root of your anger. I have written a five part anger management series on how to permanently overcome anger.

        After that, ask yourself: How can you improve the situation? Go to Step #9, where you define your actionable steps. Our anger comes from not having control on the situation. Sitting there and feeling infuriated is not going to change the situation. The more action we take, the more we will regain control over the situation, the better we will feel.

        8. See this as an obstacle to be overcome

        As Helen Keller once said,

        “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.”

        Whatever you’re facing right now, see it as an obstacle to be overcome. In every worthy endeavor, there’ll always be countless obstacles that emerge along the way. These obstacles are what separate the people who make it, and those who don’t. If you’re able to push through and overcome them, you’ll emerge a stronger person than before. It’ll be harder for anything to get you down in the future.

        9. Analyze the situation – Focus on actionable steps

        In every setback, there are going to be things that can’t be reversed since they have already occurred. You want to focus on things that can still be changed (salvageable) vs. things that have already happened and can’t be changed. The only time the situation changes is when you take steps to improve it. Rather than cry over spilt milk, work through your situation:

        1. What’s the situation?
        2. What’s stressing you about this situation?
        3. What are the next steps that’ll help you resolve them?
        4. Take action on your next steps!

        After you have identified your next steps, act on them. The key here is to focus on the actionable steps, not the inactionable steps. It’s about regaining control over the situation through direct action.

        10. Identify how it occurred (so it won’t occur again next time)

        A lot of times we react to our problems. The problem occurs, and we try to make the best out of what has happened within the context. While developing a healthy coping mechanism is important (which is what the other helping points are on), it’s also equally important, if not more, to understand how the problem arose. This way, you can work on preventing it from taking place next time, vs. dealing reactively with it.

        Most of us probably think the problem is outside of our control, but reality is most of the times it’s fully preventable. It’s just a matter of how much responsibility you take over the problem.

        For example, for someone who can’t get a cab for work in the morning, he/she may see the problem as a lack of cabs in the country, or bad luck. However, if you trace to the root of the problem, it’s probably more to do with (a) Having unrealistic expectations of the length of time to get a cab. He/she should budget more time for waiting for a cab next time. (b) Oversleeping, because he/she was too tired from working late the previous day. He/she should allocate enough time for rest next time. He/she should also pick up better time management skills, so as to finish work in lesser time.

        11. Realize the situation can be a lot worse

        No matter how bad the situation is, it can always be much worse. A plus point vs. negative point analysis will help you realize that.

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        12. Do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it

        No matter how bad your situation may seem, do your best, but don’t kill yourself over it. Life is too beautiful to worry so much over daily issues. Take a step back (#1), give yourself a break if you need to (#6), and do what you can within your means (#9). Everything else will unfold accordingly. Worrying too much about the outcome isn’t going to change things or make your life any better.

        13. Pick out the learning points from the encounter

        There’s something to learn from every encounter. What have you learned from this situation? What lessons have you taken away?

        After you identify your learning points, think about how you’re going to apply them moving forward. With this, you’ve clearly gained something from this encounter. You’ve walked away a stronger, wiser, better person, with more life lessons to draw from in the future.

        Get the manifesto version of this article: [Manifesto] What To Do When Things Don’t Go Your Way

        Featured photo credit: Alice Donovan Rouse via unsplash.com

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