Advertising
Advertising

Why Is Neediness A Repulsive Characteristic In Relationships?

Why Is Neediness A Repulsive Characteristic In Relationships?

Very often when it comes to any kind of relationships, some people are needier than others. This neediness, however, may be very repulsive to people who are not needy at all. But why people tend to refuse to have the needy people around? Oliver Emberton got a great answer in explaining this subject on Quora

Let’s play a mating game.

Put 100 men and 100 women in a sealed room. On each person’s forehead, write a random number from 1 to 10, and call that their ‘attractiveness’.

    You’re not able to see the number on your forehead, and no-one will tell you what it is either. The game is to pair up with the highest ranked person of the opposite sex that you can.

    Advertising

    Ready? Go.

    Pretty much immediately, any nines and tens are surrounded by huge crowds vying for their attention.

    If the crowds flock towards you, you know your score must be pretty damn good. If strangers flee as you approach – not so much.

    Advertising

      People will lower their expectations when rebuffed, and raise them when surrounded. If every single person you meet wants to pair with you, you’ll probably never settle for less than a ten.

      But for everyone else, you’re forced to guess and gamble. And the clue to your attractiveness is how needy other people act around you.

      Advertising

      This game is simpler than real life, but the essence holds: if someone is desperate to be with you, chances are they think you’re better than they are. They may be utterly wrong, but that’s what they’re conveying.

      Conversely, if someone is aloof with their affections, they probably think they can do better. They may also be wrong, but in both cases we’re wired to interpret this as feedback on our own attractiveness. You’re trying to guess the number on your head, and their feedback is all you have.

      Advertising

        You can’t help being influenced by this, and it’s one reason why ‘playing it cool’ is such an attractive trait, even if it’s such an easily contrived one. Being needy essentially says “you’re so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch.

        Neediness is repulsive because we’ve evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It’s like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don’t understand why.

        If this strikes you as depressing and soulless, take heart.

        Real life has a few extra qualities that make it less of a one-dimensional meat market. For one: all numbers can change. But most of all: everyone sees a slightly different number when they look at each other.

        More by this author

        Anna Chui

        Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

        26 Useful Things to Learn Now That Will Change Your Life How Self Doubt Keeps You Stuck (And How to Overcome It) 30 Books Everyone Should Read At Least Once In Their Lives How to Detect a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing The Desire to Be Liked Will End You up Feeling More Rejected

        Trending in Communication

        1 How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them 2 Feeling Stuck in Life? How to Never Get Stuck Again 3 12 Things You Should Remember When Feeling Lost in Life 4 13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently 5 How to Find Inner Peace and Lasting Happiness

        Read Next

        Advertising
        Advertising
        Advertising

        Last Updated on January 21, 2020

        How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

        How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

        If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

        Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

        So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

        Advertising

        1. Listen

        Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

        2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

        Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

        “Why do you want to do that?”

        Advertising

        “What makes you so excited about it?”

        “How long has that been your dream?”

        You need this information the help you with the following steps.

        Advertising

        3. Encourage

        This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

        4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

        After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

        5. Dream

        This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

        Advertising

        6. Ask How You Can Help

        Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

        7. Follow Up

        Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

        Final Thoughts

        By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

        Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

        More on Motivation

        Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

        Read Next