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Why Is Neediness A Repulsive Characteristic In Relationships?

Why Is Neediness A Repulsive Characteristic In Relationships?

Very often when it comes to any kind of relationships, some people are needier than others. This neediness, however, may be very repulsive to people who are not needy at all. But why people tend to refuse to have the needy people around? Oliver Emberton got a great answer in explaining this subject on Quora

Let’s play a mating game.

Put 100 men and 100 women in a sealed room. On each person’s forehead, write a random number from 1 to 10, and call that their ‘attractiveness’.

    You’re not able to see the number on your forehead, and no-one will tell you what it is either. The game is to pair up with the highest ranked person of the opposite sex that you can.

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    Ready? Go.

    Pretty much immediately, any nines and tens are surrounded by huge crowds vying for their attention.

    If the crowds flock towards you, you know your score must be pretty damn good. If strangers flee as you approach – not so much.

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      People will lower their expectations when rebuffed, and raise them when surrounded. If every single person you meet wants to pair with you, you’ll probably never settle for less than a ten.

      But for everyone else, you’re forced to guess and gamble. And the clue to your attractiveness is how needy other people act around you.

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      This game is simpler than real life, but the essence holds: if someone is desperate to be with you, chances are they think you’re better than they are. They may be utterly wrong, but that’s what they’re conveying.

      Conversely, if someone is aloof with their affections, they probably think they can do better. They may also be wrong, but in both cases we’re wired to interpret this as feedback on our own attractiveness. You’re trying to guess the number on your head, and their feedback is all you have.

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        You can’t help being influenced by this, and it’s one reason why ‘playing it cool’ is such an attractive trait, even if it’s such an easily contrived one. Being needy essentially says “you’re so much better than me, please pick me”. Not a great sales pitch.

        Neediness is repulsive because we’ve evolved to recognise it as a bad signal. It’s like a fear of spiders or scorpions: a primal instinct which protects our best interests, even if we don’t understand why.

        If this strikes you as depressing and soulless, take heart.

        Real life has a few extra qualities that make it less of a one-dimensional meat market. For one: all numbers can change. But most of all: everyone sees a slightly different number when they look at each other.

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        Anna Chui

        Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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        Last Updated on September 17, 2019

        10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

        10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

        Positive thinking can lead to a lot of positive change in your life. Developing an optimistic outlook can be good for both your physical and mental health.

        But sometimes, certain situations arise in life that makes it hard to keep a positive outlook. Take steps to make positive thinking become more like your second nature and you’ll reap the biggest benefits.

        Here are 10 ways to make thinking positive thoughts easy:

        1. Spend Time with Positive People

        If you surround yourself with constant complainers, their negativity is likely to rub off on you.

        Spend time with positive friends and family members to increase the likelihood that their positive thinking habits will become yours too. It’s hard to be negative when everyone around you is so positive.

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        2. Take Responsibility for Your Behavior

        When you encounter problems and difficulties in life, don’t play the role of the victim. Acknowledge your role in the situation and take responsibility for your behavior.

        Accepting responsibility can help you learn from mistakes and prevent you from blaming others unfairly.

        3. Contribute to the Community

        One of the best ways to feel good about what you have, is to focus on what you have to give.

        Volunteer in some manner and give back to the community. Helping others can give you a new outlook on the world and can assist you with positive thinking.

        4. Read Positive and Inspirational Materials

        Spend time each day reading something that encourages positive thinking. Read the Bible, spiritual material, or inspirational quotes to help you focus on what’s important to you in life. It can be a great way to start and end your day.

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        Some recommendations for you:

        5. Recognize and Replace Negative Thoughts

        You won’t be successful at positive thinking if you’re still plagued by frequent negative thoughts. Learn to recognize and replace thoughts that are overly negative. Often, thoughts that include words like “always” and “never” signal that they aren’t true.

        If you find yourself thinking something such as, “I always mess everything up,” replace it with something more realistic such as, “Sometimes I make mistakes but I learn from them.”

        There’s no need to make your thoughts unrealistically positive, but instead, make them more realistic.

        6. Establish and Work Toward Goals

        It’s easier to be positive about problems and setbacks when you have goals that you’re working toward. Goals will give you motivation to overcome those obstacles when you encounter problems along the way. Without clear goals, it’s harder to make decisions and gauge your progress.

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        Learn to set SMART goals to help you achieve more.

        7. Consider the Consequences of Negativity

        Spend some time thinking about the consequences of negative thinking. Often, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

        For example, a person who thinks, “I probably won’t get this job interview,” may put less effort into the interview. As a result, he may decrease his chances of getting the job.

        Create a list of all the ways negative thinking impacts your life. It likely influences your behavior, your relationships, and your feelings. Then, create a list of the ways in which positive thinking could be beneficial.

        8. Offer Compliments to Others

        Look for reasons to compliment others. Be genuine in your praise and compliments, but offer it frequently. This will help you look for the good in other people.

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        9. Create a Daily Gratitude List

        If you start keeping a daily gratitude list, you’ll start noticing exactly how much you have to be thankful for. This can help you focus on the positive in your life instead of thinking about all the bad things that have happened in the day.

        Getting in the habit of showing an attitude of gratitude makes positive thinking more of a habit. Here’re 40 Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude.

        10. Practice Self-Care

        Take good care of yourself and you’ll be more equipped to think positively.

        Get plenty of rest and exercise and practice managing your stress well. Taking care of your physical and mental health will provide you with more energy to focus on positive thinking.

        Learn about these 30 Self-Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit.

        More About Staying Positive

        Featured photo credit: DESIGNECOLOGIST via unsplash.com

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