Advertising
Advertising

When a Clarifying Question Isn’t

When a Clarifying Question Isn’t

Recently an area director for a non-profit asked me if I would do a Malama session for a work team that was struggling to communicate with each other. He valued everyone on the team individually, however he could see that together they were not very effective.

Malama is the value of caring, compassion, and stewardship I speak of in Managing with Aloha. In a Malama session, we ‘talk story’ within a defined coaching process, with the goal of clarifying the root cause of workplace issues (Note: Mālama is the correct form of the word, however I will not use the macron over the first ‘a’ here for best publishing in all readers.)

Advertising

It didn’t take long to see that many individuals in this particular team had felt they weren’t being heard for quite some time. They’d had enough, and now their conversations had turned to dumping; they frequently interrupted each other, would have more than one conversation at a time, and disrespectful body language was unfortunately the norm. There wasn’t that much listening going on. Prime candidates for the Daily 5 Minutes®. (More on that here if you are hearing of the D5M® for the first time.)

At one point during the Malama, a supervisor stated in frustration to his boss, “What you think of as a question is just another interruption, why don’t you ever let me finish?”

Advertising

His boss’s response was, “You’re not being clear, and I’m struggling to understand you. My questions are clarifying questions so I can get what you’re saying.”

Sounds reasonable, but that isn’t what had been happening; the boss was interrupting because his patience was getting the best of him. It could be that the answer to his clarifying question would have come in pretty short order if it had remained unspoken, however the supervisor was never able to get that far. The good intention of a clarifying question was instead perceived as a rude, impatient, “just get to the point” interruption.

Advertising

As managers we need to shut out the noise of our own talking way more often than we do. The longer we are in a management role, the more accustomed we get to controlling conversations— in many situations it’s expected, and we don’t realize how that begins to affect our overall demeanor and approachability.

An easy to remember, and very effective strategy in avoiding misplaced clarifying questions is to deal with only one question at a time in a conversation (also smart in keeping to one subject at a time, and getting it actionable before proceeding). You do this, by letting the speaker finish whatever they’re saying before you say anything, and you train yourself to get better at sensing those times when they’ve stopped talking, but they’re actually silently thinking of the next thing they’ll say. Learn to get comfortable with silence; consider it to be thinking time versus your next opportunity to speak.

Advertising

Recognize that in a superior – subordinate situation, it will normally take the subordinate longer to respond in a conversation between them than it will take the superior. This is not because one is smarter or better than the other; this is simply because the agenda of the conversation normally belongs to the superior. Whoever controls the agenda has done more advanced thinking about whatever the subject is. (This is the pattern the Daily Five Minutes reverses, because the agenda now is held by the subordinate.)

Within this Malama session, I’d advised these two managers that sometimes, the best clarifying question you can possibly ask, with a genuine desire to communicate better (sincerity – no sarcasm!) is “Would you like me to respond now?”

Related articles:

Post Author: Rosa Say is the author of Managing with Aloha, Bringing Hawaii’s Universal Values to the Art of Business. She fervently believes that work can inspire, and that great managers and leaders can change our lives for the better. You can also visit her on www.managingwithaloha.com. Rosa writes for Lifehack.org to freely offer her coaching to those of us who aspire to be greater than we are, for she also believes in us. Writing on What Great Managers Do is one of her favorite topics.

More by this author

Rosa Say

Rosa is an author and blogger who dedicates to helping people thrive in the work and live with purpose.

12 Rules for Self-Management The Six Basic Needs of Customers What’s the difference between Mission and Vision? 7 Steps for Resolving Customer Complaints Reap Joy from this Thanks – Giving Holiday

Trending in Communication

1 How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them 2 Feeling Stuck in Life? How to Never Get Stuck Again 3 12 Things You Should Remember When Feeling Lost in Life 4 13 Ways Happy People Think and Feel Differently 5 12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

Read Next

Advertising
Advertising
Advertising

Last Updated on January 21, 2020

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

Advertising

1. Listen

Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

“Why do you want to do that?”

Advertising

“What makes you so excited about it?”

“How long has that been your dream?”

You need this information the help you with the following steps.

Advertising

3. Encourage

This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

5. Dream

This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

Advertising

6. Ask How You Can Help

Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

7. Follow Up

Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

Final Thoughts

By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

More on Motivation

Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

Read Next