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What is most likely to help you reach the top?

What is most likely to help you reach the top?
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When it comes to success in today’s world, being the kind of person others like outranks all of the fashionable traits like competitiveness, willingness to work harder then anyone else, piling up qualifications, or blind obedience to the demands of the people at the top. Pleasant, likable people have the best chances of being hired, promoted, and rewarded. Customers are more willing to buy from those they feel good around—even if they aren’t offering the best deal. Bosses who are well-liked get better performance from their staff and face fewer people problems. Subordinates who get on well with everyone are trusted more and given better assignments.

In contrast, the kind of boss who provokes fear rather than warmth quickly creates an atmosphere that produces worse results, higher employee turnover, and more conflicts. Tough, abrasive companies trap themselves in a culture of stress and anxiety, if only because nobody is willing to cut anyone else some slack.

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Communication depends on trust, and trust is quickly destroyed by those who give off negative vibes. If you deal with others by being more abrasive than the next guy, expect to get the same treatment in return. People who are disliked are the ones others either don’t communicate with, don’t include in discussions, starve of any information, or don’t bring into the loop at all.

Here are some ideas on how to make sure that others see you as a good person to have around:

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  • Whenever you can, act friendly and open. If you’re seen as approachable—a person with neither a hidden agenda nor any “side”— people will make sure you’re included in whatever is going on.
  • Don’t be manipulative. People hate it. It makes the person who is manipulated look like a fool. It establishes you as someone dishonest. Whatever the short-term benefits appear to be, in the longer term it’s the kiss of death to sound relationships.
  • Take the risk (if risk it is) and freely offer your trust to others. Don’t buy into the nonsense that people have to earn trust. If you don’t trust them first, how can they prove that they’re trustworthy? If you trust other people, they will trust you. We all like to work with people we can trust. Colleagues who get a reputation for being untrustworthy are shut out of all the informal discussions that matter.
  • Focus on helping others, not helping yourself. Self-centered people aren’t attractive. If you genuinely concern yourself with being useful to others, you’ll be swiftly rewarded with their support in return.
  • Be yourself. Don’t try to play a part. Others quickly sense if what they see isn’t what they’re going to get. You may have no negative intentions, but they won’t see it like that. Someone who tries to fool them in one thing is probably up to something. Better to keep a distance and avoid being taken in.
  • Take time with people. Your time and attention are gifts of immense value. Give them freely. People who have time for others, regardless of how busy they are, are good to be with. Unpleasant people, who only have time for themselves, are a bore. Never underestimate the impact on others of truly giving them your full attention.
  • Listen more and talk less. Good listeners find themselves in the center of almost any group because that’s where the others want them. We all like to be listened to, so we all like good listeners. Besides, you can’t learn nearly as much by talking as you can by staying quiet and listening.
  • Remember your manners. Politeness counts for a great deal. For a start, it shows that you value the other person. It protects their dignity. No one likes to be treated with rudeness or condescension. Poor manners suggest arrogance, ignorance, or disdain—none of them likely to increase your standing with other people.
  • Try to be good humored at all times I’m not suggesting you act like a clown, but a little good-nature and a sense of humor go a long way to making others feel at more ease with you. Have you ever heard anyone criticized for being fun to be around? Or avoided because they make people laugh?
  • If all else fails in times of stress and crisis, remember this: keep a tight leash on your anger, stay calm, and forget about it afterwards. If you keep your mouth shut, you won’t say things you’ll regret. And if you don’t hold a grudge, you’ll be free to start again without a lot of bitter memories. Giving vent to your anger rarely, if ever, does more than create future problems.

Friendly people have many friends: friends who will speak up for them, help them in tough times and watch out for their best interests,and, best of all, people forgive their mistakes and overlook their weaknesses.

Today’s constant obsession with competition and winning makes it easy for people to slip into bad habits towards colleagues, customers, and subordinates. The more successful you are, the more important it becomes to act with humility and genuine warmth towards everyone.

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There’s nothing some people enjoy more than taking an arrogant prima donna down several pegs.

Adrian Savage is a writer, an Englishman, and a retired business executive, in that order, who now lives in Tucson, Arizona. You can read his other articles at Slow Leadership, the site for everyone who wants to build a civilized place to work and bring back the taste, zest and satisfaction to leadership and life, and its companion site Slower Living. His recent articles on similar topics include Right Relationships and How to give yourself the best chances in life. His latest book, Slow Leadership: Civilizing The Organization, is now available at all good bookstores.

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Last Updated on August 6, 2020

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

6 Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

We’ve all done it. That moment when a series of words slithers from your mouth and the instant regret manifests through blushing and profuse apologies. If you could just think before you speak! It doesn’t have to be like this, and with a bit of practice, it’s actually quite easy to prevent.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napolean Hill

Are we speaking the same language?

My mum recently left me a note thanking me for looking after her dog. She’d signed it with “LOL.” In my world, this means “laugh out loud,” and in her world it means “lots of love.” My kids tell me things are “sick” when they’re good, and ”manck” when they’re bad (when I say “bad,” I don’t mean good!). It’s amazing that we manage to communicate at all.

When speaking, we tend to color our language with words and phrases that have become personal to us, things we’ve picked up from our friends, families and even memes from the internet. These colloquialisms become normal, and we expect the listener (or reader) to understand “what we mean.” If you really want the listener to understand your meaning, try to use words and phrases that they might use.

Am I being lazy?

When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, a strange metamorphosis takes place. People tend to become lazier in the way that they communicate with each other, with less thought for the feelings of their partner. There’s no malice intended; we just reach a “comfort zone” and know that our partners “know what we mean.”

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Here’s an exchange from Psychology Today to demonstrate what I mean:

Early in the relationship:

“Honey, I don’t want you to take this wrong, but I’m noticing that your hair is getting a little thin on top. I know guys are sensitive about losing their hair, but I don’t want someone else to embarrass you without your expecting it.”

When the relationship is established:

“Did you know that you’re losing a lot of hair on the back of your head? You’re combing it funny and it doesn’t help. Wear a baseball cap or something if you feel weird about it. Lots of guys get thin on top. It’s no big deal.”

It’s pretty clear which of these statements is more empathetic and more likely to be received well. Recognizing when we do this can be tricky, but with a little practice it becomes easy.

Have I actually got anything to say?

When I was a kid, my gran used to say to me that if I didn’t have anything good to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all. My gran couldn’t stand gossip, so this makes total sense, but you can take this statement a little further and modify it: “If you don’t have anything to say, then don’t say anything at all.”

A lot of the time, people speak to fill “uncomfortable silences,” or because they believe that saying something, anything, is better than staying quiet. It can even be a cause of anxiety for some people.

When somebody else is speaking, listen. Don’t wait to speak. Listen. Actually hear what that person is saying, think about it, and respond if necessary.

Am I painting an accurate picture?

One of the most common forms of miscommunication is the lack of a “referential index,” a type of generalization that fails to refer to specific nouns. As an example, look at these two simple phrases: “Can you pass me that?” and “Pass me that thing over there!”. How often have you said something similar?

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How is the listener supposed to know what you mean? The person that you’re talking to will start to fill in the gaps with something that may very well be completely different to what you mean. You’re thinking “pass me the salt,” but you get passed the pepper. This can be infuriating for the listener, and more importantly, can create a lack of understanding and ultimately produce conflict.

Before you speak, try to label people, places and objects in a way that it is easy for any listeners to understand.

What words am I using?

It’s well known that our use of nouns and verbs (or lack of them) gives an insight into where we grew up, our education, our thoughts and our feelings.

Less well known is that the use of pronouns offers a critical insight into how we emotionally code our sentences. James Pennebaker’s research in the 1990’s concluded that function words are important keys to someone’s psychological state and reveal much more than content words do.

Starting a sentence with “I think…” demonstrates self-focus rather than empathy with the speaker, whereas asking the speaker to elaborate or quantify what they’re saying clearly shows that you’re listening and have respect even if you disagree.

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Is the map really the territory?

Before speaking, we sometimes construct a scenario that makes us act in a way that isn’t necessarily reflective of the actual situation.

A while ago, John promised to help me out in a big way with a project that I was working on. After an initial meeting and some big promises, we put together a plan and set off on its execution. A week or so went by, and I tried to get a hold of John to see how things were going. After voice mails and emails with no reply and general silence, I tried again a week later and still got no response.

I was frustrated and started to get more than a bit vexed. The project obviously meant more to me than it did to him, and I started to construct all manner of crazy scenarios. I finally got through to John and immediately started a mild rant about making promises you can’t keep. He stopped me in my tracks with the news that his brother had died. If I’d have just thought before I spoke…

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