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The Secret to Getting People to Do What You Want

The Secret to Getting People to Do What You Want

Wouldn’t you like to have mind control over people? Wouldn’t it be great to have them do what you want?

The idea of getting of a potential dating partner to take notice of you, getting your children to behave, having your boss promote you, getting people to help you succeed in whatever you want that all sounds great doesn’t it.

Well, let me tell you that it is possible to have people do what you want.

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I am not talking about any sort of mind control. Back in my Special Forces days, we studied psychological operations. In the military, psych ops (as it is called) is used to influence a target audience’s emotions, motives and reasoning. Now this can do down any number of rabbit trails. What we found worked the best was not any sort or manipulation or trickery. It was basic human psychology.

Today I am going to tell you about what can help you in your life, make you more productive, help the people around you and get the results you are looking for. Are you ready to learn the secret of how to control people’s minds?

People will do what you want when you give them want they want.

Wow, doesn’t seem like much of a secret does it?

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The question back to you is, why don’t you practice it? The important thing to remember about the secret is that when you don’t follow it, people will resist you, act against you, do the things you don’t want them to do. A lot of times we get it backwards. If my boss would give me a raise, I will work harder. If my spouse shows me more love, I will show them more love. You have to give them what they want first, then they will follow through with what you want.

Let’s make this even more simple. Instead of what they want, turn that into what they need. People say they want to be rich, they need to feel fulfilled. People say they want sympathy, they need empathy. People say they want power, they need respect. If you supply what someone truly needs, they will do anything you want.

Listening is the key

People would rather talk than listen. You can use that to your advantage and let other people talk and tell you what they want and need. People just like to talk. Freud pointed out that just the act of talking can provide healing. People tend t naturally do this in a supportive environment. By listening intently to what someone is saying you can hear what they want and need and supply it.

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Scratch the itch

The key then is to identify what motivates someone and fill the desire. We did the same thing when I was in the Green Berets. One of the Special Forces’ missions is to train indigenous forces. A twelve man A-team would be inserted into country to work with 300 – 400 guerrilla soldiers. Twelve men cannot force 300 – 400 to do anything, especially if they have to live with them. We had to get them to do what we wanted them to by motivating them with their own needs. Only by understanding them, talking to them, and observing them could we know what was “their itch.”

Now here is the key. Once we had what motivated them, we didn’t use it as a bribe. We incorporated it into what we wanted. So by fulfilling their need, they fulfilled ours. They needed a well, we needed the roads improved to move supplies. Well to build a well you need to bring in supplies. We had them improve the roads in order to build the well. You can do the same. You want a discount on a price. The vendor wants to move a floor model. Find out their needs and fill it with one that benefits you.

It is not hard getting someone to do what we want. It is not about manipulation or some sort of military thought control. It is simply listening and observing to find out what they need and filling that need.

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(Photo credit: Image of a Hypnotist via Shutterstock)

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Last Updated on February 21, 2019

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

In business, in social relationships, in family… In whatever context conflict is always inevitable, especially when you are in the leader role. This role equals “make decisions for the best of majority” and the remaining are not amused. Conflicts arise.

Conflicts arise when we want to push for a better quality work but some members want to take a break from work.

Conflicts arise when we as citizens want more recreational facilities but the Government has to balance the needs to maintain tourism growth.

Conflicts are literally everywhere.

Avoiding Conflicts a No-No and Resolving Conflicts a Win-Win

Avoiding conflicts seem to be a viable option for us. The cruel fact is, it isn’t. Conflicts won’t walk away by themselves. They will, instead, escalate and haunt you back even more when we finally realize that’s no way we can let it be.

Moreover, avoiding conflicts will eventually intensify the misunderstanding among the involved parties. And the misunderstanding severely hinders open communication which later on the parties tend to keep things secret. This is obviously detrimental to teamwork.

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Some may view conflicts as the last step before arguments. And they thus leave it aside as if they never happen. This is not true.

Conflicts are the intersect point between different individuals with different opinions. And this does not necessarily lead to argument.

Instead, proper handling of conflicts can actually result in a win-win situation – both parties are pleased and allies are gained. A better understanding between each other and future conflicts are less likely to happen.

The IBR Approach to Resolve Conflicts

Here, we introduce to you an effective approach to resolve conflicts – the Interest-Based Relational (IBR) approach. The IBR approach was developed by Roger Fisher and William Ury in their 1981 book Getting to Yes. It stresses the importance of the separation between people and their emotions from the problem. Another focus of the approach is to build mutual understanding and respect as they strengthen bonds among parties and can ultimately help resolve conflicts in a harmonious way. The approach suggests a 6-step procedure for conflict resolution:

Step 1: Prioritize Good Relationships

How? Before addressing the problem or even starting the discussion, make it clear the conflict can result in a mutual trouble and through subsequent respectful negotiation the conflict can be resolved peacefully. And that brings the best outcome to the whole team by working together.

Why? It is easy to overlook own cause of the conflict and point the finger to the members with different opinions. With such a mindset, it is likely to blame rather than to listen to the others and fail to acknowledge the problem completely. Such a discussion manner will undermine the good relationships among the members and aggravate the problem.

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Example: Before discussion, stress that the problem is never one’s complete fault. Everyone is responsible for it. Then, it is important to point out our own involvement in the problem and state clearly we are here to listen to everyone’s opinions rather than accusing others.

Step 2: People Are NOT the Cause of Problem

How? State clearly the problem is never one-sided. Collaborative effort is needed. More importantly, note the problem should not be taken personally. We are not making accusations on persons but addressing the problem itself.

Why? Once things taken personally, everything will go out of control. People will become irrational and neglect others’ opinions. We are then unable to address the problem properly because we cannot grasp a fuller and clearer picture of the problem due to presumption.

Example: In spite of the confronting opinions, we have to emphasize that the problem is not a result of the persons but probably the different perspectives to view it. So, if we try to look at the problem from the other’s perspective, we may understand why there are varied opinions.

Step 3: Listen From ALL Stances

How? Do NOT blame others. It is of utmost importance. Ask for everyone’s opinions. It is important to let everyone feel that they contribute to the discussion. Tell them their involvement is essential to solve the problem and their effort is very much appreciated.

Why? None wants to be ignored. If one feels neglected, it is very likely for he/she to be aggressive. It is definitely not what we hope to see in a discussion. Acknowledging and being acknowledged are equally important. So, make sure everyone has equal opportunity to express their views. Also, realizing their opinions are not neglected, they will be more receptive to other opinions.

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Example: A little trick can played here: Invite others to talk first. It is an easy way to let others feel involved and ,more importantly, know their voices are heard. Also, we can show that we are actively listening to them by giving direct eye-contact and nodding. One important to note is that never interrupt anyone. Always let them finish first beforeanother one begins.

Step 4: Listen Comes First, Talk Follows

How? Ensure everyone has listened to one another points of view. It can be done by taking turn to speak and leaving the discussion part at last. State once again the problem is nothing personal and no accusation should be made.

Why? By turn-taking, everyone can finish talking and voices of all sides can be heard indiscriminantly. This can promote willingness to listen to opposing opinions.

Example: We can prepare pieces of paper with different numbers written on them. Then, ask different members to pick one and talk according to the sequence of the number. After everyone’s finished, advise everyone to use “I” more than “You” in the discussion period to avoid others thinking that it is an accusation.

Step 5: Understand the Facts, Then Address the Problem

How? List out ALL the facts first. Ask everyone to tell what they know about the problems.

Why? Sometimes your facts are unknown to the others while they may know something we don’t. Missing out on these facts could possibly lead to inaccurate capture of the problem. Also, different known facts can lead to different perception of the matter. It also helps everyone better understand the problem and can eventually help reach a solution.

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Example: While everyone is expressing their own views, ask them to write down everything they know that is true to the problem. As soon as everyone has finished, all facts can be noted and everyone’s understanding of the problem is raised.

Step 6: Solve the Problem Together

How? Knowing what everyone’s thinking, it is now time to resolve the conflict. Up to this point, everyone should have understood the problem better. So, it is everyone’s time to suggest some solutions. It is important not to have one giving all the solutions.

Why? Having everyone suggesting their solutions is important as they will not feel excluded and their opinions are considered. Besides, it may also generate more solutions that can better resolve the conflicts. Everyone will more likely be satisfied with the result.

Example: After discussion, ask all members to suggest any possible solutions and stress that all solutions are welcomed. State clearly that we are looking for the best outcomes for everyone’s sake rather than battling to win over one another. Then, evaluate all the solutions and pick the one that is in favor of everyone.

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