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Other people are not broken . . .

Other people are not broken . . .
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All of us depend on relationships with others—in our work, in our communities, in our families, in our social lives, and in our most personal and emotional attachments. A great deal has been written about building and maintaining relationships. Some of it is useful, some less so. Much of it is too complicated to carry around easily in your head, which limits its usefulness in practice. So here are some very simple, easily remembered notions to help you deal with relationships better.

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  • Other people are not broken . . . and nor are you. The way that you deal with them may very well be broken. It’s probably best to assume that it is, unless you can prove otherwise. That way you get to take the time and trouble to fix it. If you aren’t getting on well enough with someone, begin by looking at yourself as deeply and honestly as you can. You are who and what you are. So are they. Good relationships start when everyone accepts that and decides to enjoy the ride.
  • Forget your desire to alter other people’s behaviors to suit your own prejudices, wishes, and beliefs. As I said, most everyone is just fine as they are. Tinkering with their lives won’t make them better, but it will definitely make your relationship with them worse. Some people enjoy change, but almost no one enjoys others trying to change them. Do that and your relationship is doomed, sooner or later. Trying to change other people is foolish, but transforming yourself so they will find in you what it is that they need can be great fun. If you do this, you’ll likely also find what you need in them.
  • If someone is doing something wrong, start by assuming that it’s you. It’s tempting to assume that any difficulties you face with other people are their fault. It’s far more useful to assume the difficulties are in your court, so you can do something about putting them right. You cannot (and definitely should not try to) control other peoples’ lives. You can (and definitely should try to) control your own—at least as far as you can control anything in this world (which is not very far). If, in the end, the difficulties prove not to be your problem and you have to let that relationship go, you will still have learned something that may help you another time.
  • In the eyes of other people, you are mostly here to help them with their lives. In your eyes, most of them are here for the same reason: to make your career, your results, or your whole life better. Happiness is providing one another with the help that you each need. Unhappiness is demanding things from others that they are not willing to give. Misery is believing you have a right to those things.
  • Relationships flow along the path of least resistance. If you make it tough for others to relate to you, don’t be surprised if they go elsewhere. No matter how nice, knowledgeable, clever, witty, sexy, or well-connected you are, no one is forced to accept anything beyond the most superficial dealings with you. Besides, there are plenty of other people who are nicer, brighter, wittier, cleverer, sexier, and better-connected than you are. Some of them are probably richer too.
  • There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, so trying to find one is a waste of time and effort. Life is unsatisfactory. Relationships are unsatisfactory (some more than others). That’s the way it goes. But both are a great deal better than their alternatives. Accept what you have and enjoy it. Imagining what it might be, but isn’t, is the best way to ruin it.
  • Making moves to meet people where they are works better that hanging around until they come to you. You don’t have to like others and they don’t have to like you, but it’s a nicer world if that’s what happens. You could stand back and wait for everyone to come to where you are, but that’s going to take more time than anyone has on this earth. Making the first move towards friendship and acceptance beats waiting hands down. You’ll never know whether you might find something worthwhile until you make the effort to look for it.
  • Prejudice is like the person who found a ruby but threw it away because it wasn’t a diamond. It’s amazing what help and pleasure you can get from accepting other people as they are. No one has to work at finding diversity. Look around you. No two people are the same. Sadly, some people work extremely hard at trying to create a totally unnatural uniformity where everyone else is like them. Acceptance is natural (look at any small child). Prejudice is a learned perversion.
  • If your life does not add meaning and value to the world around you, why are you here? If it makes the world around you a worse place, why should other people tolerate you? Life has no neutral gear: you are either in forward or reverse.
  • No one owes you more trust, compassion, forgiveness, or consideration that you are willing to give to them. Fortunately, there are some people out there who aren’t keeping count. Be grateful.

Adrian Savage is a writer, an Englishman, and a retired business executive, in that order. He lives in Tucson, Arizona. You can read his other articles at Slow Leadership, the site for everyone who wants to build a civilized place to work and bring back the taste, zest and satisfaction to leadership and life, The Creativity Class: a place to discover the best ideas on having the best ideas, and Working Potential, where you’ll learn about great ideas for self-development. His latest book, Slow Leadership: Civilizing The Organization, is now available at all good bookstores.

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Last Updated on March 5, 2021

Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses

Science Says People Who Talk To Themselves Are Geniuses

I talk a lot to myself. It helps me to keep my concentration on the activity on hand, makes me focus more on my studies, and gives me some pretty brilliant ideas while chattering to myself; more importantly, I produce better works. For example, right now, as I am typing, I am constantly mumbling to myself. Do you talk to yourself? Don’t get embarrassed admitting it because science has discovered that those who talk to themselves are actually geniuses… and not crazy!

Research Background

Psychologist-researcher Gary Lupyan conducted an experiment where 20 volunteers were shown objects, in a supermarket, and were asked to remember them. Half of them were told to repeat the objects, for example, banana, and the other half remained silent. In the end, the result shown that self-directed speech aided people to find the objects faster, by 50 to 100 milliseconds, compared to the silent ones.

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“I’ll often mutter to myself when searching for something in the refrigerator or the supermarket shelves,” said Gary Lupyan.

This personal experience actually made him conduct this experiment. Lupyan, together with another psychologist, Daniel Swigley, came up with the outcomes that those to talk to oneself are geniuses. Here are the reasons:

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It stimulates your memory

When you are talking to yourself, your sensory mechanism gets activated. It gets easier on your memory since you can visualize the word, and you can act accordingly.[1]

It helps stay focused

When you are saying it loud, you stay focused on your task,[2] and it helps you recognise that stuff immediately. Of course, this only helps if you know what the object you are searching looks like. For example, a banana is yellow in colour, and you know how a banana looks like. So when you are saying it loud, your brain immediately pictures the image on your mind. But if you don’t know what banana looks like, then there is no effect of saying it loud.

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It helps you clarify your thoughts

Every one of us tends to have various types of thoughts. Most make sense, while the others don’t. Suppose you are furious at someone and you feel like killing that person. Now for this issue you won’t run to a therapist, will you? No, what you do is lock yourself in a room and mutter to yourself. You are letting go off the anger by talking to yourself, the pros and cons of killing that person, and eventually you calm down. This is a silly thought that you have and are unable to share it with any other person. Psychologist Linda Sapadin said,[3]

“It helps you clarify your thoughts, tend to what’s important and firm up any decisions you are contemplating.”

Featured photo credit: Girl Using Laptop In Hotel Room/Ed Gregory via stokpic.com

Reference

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