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An Open Letter To the 5 Year Old Me

An Open Letter To the 5 Year Old Me

What would you tell your 5-year-old self if you had the chance to write a letter to your past self? Here’s my letter.

Dear 5-year-old me,

You’re 5 and all you care about right now is football. You love it. You just discovered it and it’s like a drug. No. Wait. I don’t want talk about drugs. Football is… REALLY FUN. Yeah. That’s better.

Sometimes you think about becoming a professional footballer and you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Why do you play football? Because you love it. No other reason Let yourself just love it.

Remember that you are good enough

When you get a little older you let kids boss you around. There’s one kid in particular. He barks orders at you and you follow them. Most of the time you’re easy going. You don’t mind.

Is it ok of this kid to boss you around? Is it ok for you to let people boss you around? Are you telling yourself that you’re not worth as much as they are? If you ever tell yourself that, don’t believe it. It’s not true and it never will be. You’re worthy. You’re enough. Forever.

Sometimes what seems wrong at the time, will turn out to be the best that will ever happen to you

When you’re 9 Mum and Dad decide they want to move. When you’re 10, we do. You cry. You beg and plead. You hate that you’re moving away from your friends. You feel like mum and dad ruin your life.

This is one of the best decisions mum and dad ever make. I promise you. I won’t ruin the surprise by telling you the reasons why. When you get upset, read this letter. Trust mum and dad. Trust me. Trust yourself.

Going after what you really want will change you

When you’re 11 you win the Maynard Cup. Well, the team does. You probably don’t even know what that is right now. You will soon. Wanting to win it becomes a dream for you. It’s the first dream you ever have. You’re desperate to win. You have to win.

It consumes you. It’s all you can think about. You even do things you’ve never done before like imploring your teammates to NOT dive into tackles with a certain player. He’s brilliant so you NEED to be sure they know what they’re doing. You won’t risk the alternative. You won’t risk losing.

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When you start behaving differently, and for the better, you know you really want something. You hop on your dragon and fly around the Milky Way and pluck stars from their constellations. That’s how it feels to achieve a dream.

Write about what you love

You’ll never enjoy “creative writing.” Whatever that means. You just never know what to write about. You feel stuck. You’re nervous about your exams. You don’t fail at anything and you don’t want to fail at this. What would happen if you gave yourself permission to fail?

“Write about football.” That’s what mum and dad say. You can’t believe you’d never thought of it. It was so simple. They really mean “write about what you love.” Because of your essay in your exam you win the creative writing award. You’re shocked. You want to win the sports award. You don’t. The creative writing award is the award to win. Trust me. If you write, write what’s in your heart.

If you get lost, always try to find a way back to who you really are

When you’re in the classroom on your first day at secondary school you don’t want to talk to anyone. But secretly you want to talk to someone. You can’t, though. You won’t. A kid named Steven comes up to you and says “hello!” in his squeaky and obviously-not-broken voice. The sun rises from the horizon and bathes you in its warm glow. A friend.

From then on you always made an effort with the new kid. Always. You were the one that said hello. You were the one that made him feel welcome. You were the one who made him feel like he wasn’t all alone. I’m proud of us for that.

Steven helps you. He helps you get into trouble. The teachers tell you off for talking. You get detentions. You suffer academically. When you think of mum and dad, shame crawls over you.

Mr. Cross was your favourite teacher. And you were his favourite student (it’s ok, Sir, you can admit it). That’s why he notices you getting into trouble. That’s why he cares. He sees things in you that you don’t see in yourself. Not yet.

Do you know who you really are?

You and Steven queue up for class in the computer room. A computer room was actually a novelty back then. If only you could see the world now! As you walk in Mr. Cross pulls you aside. He towers over you like a dictator. But also like a father. He bends forwards. He looks you in the eye. He says: “I’m getting really sick of you.” He walks away.

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You’re stunned. You’re stunned that he talked to you like that. You’re stunned that he cares that much. And you’re stunned that you agree. You’re sick of yourself. You’d been letting Steven pull you towards the abyss. You’re pretending you don’t care about all the stuff you do care about. Respecting people. Getting A’s. Being you.

None of the stuff you did with Steven felt right. Trust your gut. You know who you are and you know who you’re not. Act on it.

Look up to your mother’s strength

Mum gets cancer. You cry when they tell you. It’s ok. Let it out. But they’re going to need you to be strong. I know you’re young but you can do it. You visit her in the hospital after her operation. She’s just lying there. There are so many wires. You feel sick. Again, it’s ok. She’s ok.

Chemotherapy is a bitch. Not that you and I know. But mum knows. It drains you. So how she came with us and dad to watch the Harlem Globetrotters I’ll never know. That’s one of my favourite memories ever and it never would’ve happened if our mum wasn’t our mum. She’s strong. Stubborn, even. That’s probably an advantage when it comes to dealing with cancer. There was no way she was going to let this beat her.

Deal with problems how mum deals with cancer.

Sometimes you won’t get what you want and that’s ok

You make the east of England basketball squad. Woo! Check you out. Even though you went to trials in a full kit and sweatbands. Nobody picks the kid who does that. You’re not really sure you deserve to be picked. Everyone else is tall or has muscles or a beard. You’re just a kid. That’s how you define yourself.

In the penultimate practice game, before those who went onto England trials were picked, you play brilliantly. You don’t miss a shot. You’re in the zone. You’re the Grand Master and the other players are pawns. You’re happy.

In the final practice game the coach tells you to focus on defense. Just defense. So you do. You do exactly that. Your man barely touches the ball. He doesn’t score. For a small white kid lacking in athleticism you do ok. The game ends. I can’t even remember who wins. The only thing left to happen is for the coach to name the players going to England trials.

The locker room is a prison of anxiety. Only 2 people don’t get picked. You’re one of them. You’re not good enough. How do you feel? Like a hot poker has been driven between your ribs? Like your gut has been sliced open?

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One of the player’s dads, who was friends with the coach, came to every single practice. The coach already knew some of the players. You weren’t tall. Or athletic.

Those are excuses. Not reasons. Sometimes you sweat and you hurt and you give everything but you still get brushed aside. You didn’t make the team because you weren’t good enough.

And that’s ok. You don’t deserve to have what you want just because you tried hard. I’m not saying that to depress you. I’m saying it because then you’ll do things you love and not worry about the results.

Even then you still won’t be chosen. But that’s not the point. You’ll choose yourself. (shout out to James Altucher.)

Don’t expect that others will treat you like you would treat them

You go to college to do a Sports Science BTEC rather than stay at school and do A Levels against the advice of everyone. No one listens to advice anyway and no one should. Going to college is what’s in your heart.

The older kids at college don’t seem to like you. They’re clique-y. You still want to be wanted at this point without ever thinking if you like who you want to be wanted by.

You’re the only first year to be picked for the first team. Even though you’re still small and can’t jump.

The first team train on a Tuesday night and every time you wake up in your bed on Tuesday morning you dread what’s to come. You play against some of the best players in the country but your spirit is wrestled to the ground and left to cower. You don’t understand why they don’t like you. You’re desperate to fit in and you’re unhappy you can’t. The worst thing is that you look up to them. As basketball players. They’re the best players you’ve played with. And they treat you like you treat yourself when you make even the smallest mistake.

You want one of them to take you under their wing. To ask you if you’re ok. To stand up for you. To care about you. How many times have you truly cared about yourself? You would have mad friends with the new guy because you know what it’s like to be on the outside. To have your heart screaming but have your brain shutting it up. You would’ve wanted to save them.

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Some people would do exactly the same as you because you’ve both known the same pain. How else could you love a stranger? The older kids don’t do what you would do. They don’t do the right thing because the right thing is your right thing. They did their right thing. And that’s ok.

I’m going to have to go all Good Will Hunting on you and say this: It’s not your fault. Forgive them.

Stop holding yourself back

On your first day of work you arrive early. An hour early. You sit in the car with a blank face and a wire crossed mind. What have you done? You’ve never had a proper job before. “What’s an office like? What are the people like? What will I even be doing? What will my boss be like? How much is lunch? How many times am I going to mess up?” Those are 6 of the 453,962 thoughts that go through your head in the car. How many of them are positive? How many of your thoughts are ever positive?

Later in the day you’re sitting at “your” desk and you get that all too familiar feeling. You need the toilet.

What on earth are you supposed to do? Do you have to ask? What will your boss say? What will your team say? Will they ask you where you’re going? Will everyone in the office simultaneously stand up and accuse you of slacking off? Will the CEO ride in on a white horse, put his joust to your neck and fire you?

Breathe. You’re not that important. You’re paralysed. You look around for help. Help with what? Justifying your decision? TO GO TO THE TOILET?! You don’t want to ask because you don’t want to look stupid. You don’t want to stand up and go because you don’t want to look stupid.

What would happen if you stopped overthinking? Eventually, SOMEhow, SOMEway… you go. You make a run for it. You do your thing. You walk back. You sit down. And SOMEhow, SOMEway… the world is still spinning. People are still doing their jobs. The CEO is nowhere to be seen.

Stop holding back. Stop stopping yourself. Stop wearing a mask. What would happen if you were the Real You?

In the end you have to learn your lessons nevertheless

I don’t even know what this letter is trying to say. Maybe it’s just therapy for the 24 year old me. Maybe I’m trying to say all the clichés you’ll learn: You’re ok. You’re enough. Be kind to yourself. You learn the most when you’re wading through shit. If you let yourself. Be not a victim but a Man. The “you” that you pretend to be is no match for the Real You.

Don’t believe any of this. Seriously. Find out for yourself. Live for yourself. Stay curious. Stay playful. We learn through play and you probably play more because you’re 5 and I’m 24.

Love, your future-you

Featured photo credit: PhotoPin via photopin.com

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Last Updated on January 16, 2020

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

12 Simple Ways to Boost Your Confidence Right Now

The way you feel about yourself greatly influences how you live and interact with others. If you are confident about yourself, you tend to see yourself positively and actually enjoy spending time with and around people. You don’t feel self-conscious or awkward around others, and that allows you to live your fullest and happiest life.

However, if you’re drowning in a sea of self-doubt, hesitancy and shyness, you often withdraw and isolate yourself from others and avoid interacting and connecting with people. That anxiety you feel in the pit of your stomach when you are around people is holding you back greatly and it is not good for your emotional health and overall well-being. You need to do something about it if you are low in self-confidence or have friends or family members who are not confident.

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room thinking you’re better than everyone, it’s walking in not having to compare yourself to anyone” – Anonymous

Here are simple, practical tips to boost your confidence right now and make you feel and act your best.

1. Stop labeling yourself as awkward, timid or shy.

When you label yourself as awkward, timid or shy, you sub-consciously tell your mind to act accordingly and psychologically feel inclined to live up to those expectations. Instead of labeling and entertaining negative self-talk, visualize and affirm yourself as confident and strong. Close your eyes for a minute and visualize yourself in different situation as you would like to be.

Be your own cheerleader. Experts believe that positive affirmation and good mental practices like picturing yourself winning or achieving a goal can lead to greater feelings of self-assurance and prepare your brain for success.[1] As the saying goes, “seeing is believing.” Picture yourself as confident and soon enough you will begin to manifest behavior that gives evidence to this new ‘fact.’

2. Recognize that the world is not focused on you (unless, of course, you are Kanye West).

That means you don’t have to be excessively sensitive about who you are or what you are doing (or not doing). You are not on the center stage; there is no need for preoccupation with self and perfectionism. As rap music star Rocko sings, “You just do you and I will do me, aight?”

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Forget about trying to please everyone or being perfect. Trying to be perfect and being a people-pleaser puts too much pressure on you and creates unnecessary anxiety. Besides, people are too preoccupied with their own issues to pay much attention to your every move unless, of course, you are a mega famous, super celebrity like Beyonce or Kanye West.

3. Focus on other people as opposed to yourself.

If you are low on confidence, self-conscious, nervous and shy in social situations, focus your attention on other people and what they are saying or doing instead of focusing on your own awkwardness.

For example, think about what it is that is interesting about the person who’s the centre of the party or the guy or girl you are talking with. Prompt them to talk more about themselves and be genuinely curious and interested in what they say. You will instantly come across as confident and warmhearted.

People generally want to talk about themselves, be heard and understood. They will love it when you’re eager and willing to listen to them and really hear what they have to say.

This habit of focusing more on what you love in others as opposed to what you dislike in yourself will not only help you become more assertive and comfortable in virtually all social situations, but also instantly make you feel great about yourself.

4. Know (and accept) yourself for who you are.

Chinese military general, strategist and philosopher Sun Tzu, author of the internationally acclaimed book The Art of War, said, “Know yourself and you will win all battles.” Even in the battle with lack of confidence, you will need to know yourself to win.

Knowing yourself starts with understanding that people are not all the same, neither are all social situation suitable for everyone. You might not be confident in large gatherings, but you could be bold and confident in one-on-one and small group interactions. We all have our own unique gifts and unique ways of expressing ourselves. Embrace yours!

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Introverts, for example, have a quiet confidence that is, unfortunately, often confused for shyness. They are naturally low key and prefer to spend time alone. However, this natural disposition affords them certain unique gifts, such as an ability to listen better than most people and notice things that others don’t.

Your uniqueness is where your strength and advantage lies. You won’t be comfortable and confident in all situations all the time. Albert Einstein said,

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

5. Crack a smile.

If there is one sure way to instantly boost your confidence, it’s cracking a smile. Christine Clapp, a public speaking expert at The George Washington University, says that flashing those pretty, pearly white teeth will immediately make you appear both confident and composed. But, the effect of smiling is not just external. Studies show that smiling can also help nix feelings of stress and pave the way for a happier and more relaxed you.[2]

Not a bad return for something seemingly so trite, wouldn’t you agree?

6. Break a sweat—with exercise.

Working out is another great way to make yourself feel amazing and confident. Science has shown that exercising increases your endorphins, helps reduce stress, tones your muscles and makes you feel happy and confident.[3]

And hey, all you have to do is take a walk a few times a week and you’ll see the benefits. What seems to matter—as far as your confidence goes—is whether you break a sweat, not how strenuous your session is, which is pretty cool. Start working out now.

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7. Groom yourself.

This might seem mundane, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a shower and shave can have on your confidence and self-image. And when you spritz on a scent, the boost on confidence and self-esteem is incredible. As it turns out, your favorite fragrance does more than make you smell oh-so-nice.

A study found that a fragrance can inspire confidence in men. Interestingly, the study also found that the more a man likes the fragrance, the more confident he might feel. Another study found that 90% of women feel more confident while wearing a scent than those who go fragrance-free.

8. Dress nicely.

Another one that might seem trite, but it works. If you dress nicely, you’ll instantly feel good about yourself and give your confidence a real boost. That is largely because you’ll feel attractive, presentable and sometimes even successful in nice clothes.

While dressing nicely means something different for everyone, it does not necessarily mean wearing $500 designer outfits. It means wearing clothes that are clean, that you are comfortable in and that are nice-looking and presentable, including casual clothes.

9. Do activities you enjoy.

Whether it is reading a book, playing a musical instrument, riding your bicycle or going fishing, do what you really enjoy and what makes you truly happy often. It will boost your self-esteem, soothe your ego and allow you to identify with your gifts and talents. That will in turn bolster your self-belief and grow your confidence exponentially.

You might not become popular for doing what you love, but you might not even want to be popular at all. Being popular doesn’t make you happy; doing what you love does.

10. Prepare for the possibility of rejection / setback.

Late World No. 1 professional tennis player Arthur Ashe said, “One important key to success is self-confidence. A key to self-confidence is preparation.” You need to prepare for the possibility of rejection and setback.

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Why?

Everybody suffers rejection and setback at one point or another. You are not exempted. The question on your mind, therefore, should not be if you will be rejected, but how you will handle rejection when it comes.

Prepare yourself adequately in every situation to minimize the risk and effect of rejection and so that your confidence is not broken. For example, learn public speaking and rehearse what you are going to say beforehand if you have landed a public speaking engagement. That way, you are sure of yourself and confident you have what it takes to hack it. If you are rejected, don’t take it personally.

Rejection and setbacks happen to the best of us. Take it as a learning experience. Learn from your mistakes and move on.

11. Face uncomfortable situations square in the face.

Don’t run away from uncomfortable situations. Running away from people or situations because you feel scared, shy or timid only confirms and reinforces your shyness. Instead, face the situation that makes you uneasy square in the face. For example, go ahead and talk to that person you are afraid to approach, or go straight to the front of your yoga class! What’s the worst that can happen?

Prepare and be ready for any eventuality. The more you face your fears, the more you realize you are stronger than you thought and the more confident you get. This simple, yet admittedly courageous, act makes you unstoppable. You get comfortable being uncomfortable and begin to feel like you can take on the world. And that is the hallmark of someone destined for great things.

12. Sit up straight and walk tall—you are awesome!

Yes, sit up straight and believe you are awesome. Don’t slump in your chair or slouch your shoulders. Experts say the right stance can not only keep your self-esteem and mood lifted, but also lead to more confidence in your own thoughts.[4]

The way to sit is to open up your chest and keep your head level so that you look and feel poised and assured. And when you get up, stand tall and walk like you’re on a mission. People who sit up straight and walk tall are more attractive and instantly feel more confident. Try it now: you’ll feel fierce and confident just by sitting up straight and walking tall.

Featured photo credit: Freshh Connection via unsplash.com

Reference

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