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Milking it whole, not skim

Milking it whole, not skim

It used to be that the phrase “milking it” carried a pretty negative connotation with it for me, for as kids we only used it about people we thought were taking advantage of some situation without earning the right to do so. People who were “milking it” were the human equivalent of leeches.

However I’ve recently found that the phrase is very useful when I turn it around to be about me and not someone else. Milk is good. Milk is healthy. And “milking it” has turned into a great personal practice, specifically in regard to my habits with getting the most out of information I suspect holds new learning for me.

If you are reading this, and you are one who reads blogs on a daily basis, I would guess you struggle with information overload. Knowing that you do, you very willingly sit at a computer screen which is going to add even more to what your poor brain is already struggling to process. It’s addicting, I know.

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You get better and better at skimming, and yet even that skimming takes time, and there are too many instances where you’ve turned off for the evening and purposely NOT asked yourself, “What am I taking away from the last few hours sitting here?” because you know you won’t like the answer. Skimming isn’t very satisfying at all.

And to skim over something I should have paid better attention to? Something promising? Something which could have been a breakthrough if I’d taken the time to internalize it, and really know it in the whole it was intended to be? Well, the thought is just criminal. Worst than a whole barrel of leeches.

So instead, in an effort to respect my own time and use it well, to “Milk It” has become a new habit I have practiced lately with far better results. I can switch offline each evening now feeling pretty terrific if I have done this at least once during my day of information bombardment. My MILK IT self-talk goes like this:

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M- Make house and sit for a while when something intrigues you as Milkable.
I- Inventory all the Info available to you right here, right now. Whole Milk.
L- Listen to yourself think about what it all can mean for you. Learn it.
K- Know something you didn’t know before. Grab hold of a take-away.

I- Ink a commitment to use your new knowing. Calendar an “I will” action.
T- Take that action the next day. If not then, the sooner the better.

This does take discipline and self-restraint. You need to be okay with reading less, realizing that as the adage goes, “Less IS more.” Hard in the beginning, but the secret is to make it to T and take that affirmative action. Soon, it is the action that gets addicting.

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Starting this habit at a good time helps. Sacrilegious as it may sound to you, choosing “mark all read” in your RSS aggregator first helps too- a lot.

I printed my Milking It Mantra on a 4×6 index card over a month ago. I had declared Joyful Jubilant Learning the theme for my Ho‘ohana Community at Talking Story over the month of September, knowing I would have 27 very interesting guest authors contributing articles to our JJL ‘06 forum daily, articles which definitely could teach me something. I committed to starting my Milking It habit with their contribution each day, knowing the very compelling Learning theme of the forum would make it pretty easy.

Each day in September, I propped the index card up next to my keyboard as I read, and I opened up my Outlook calendar and a blank Word doc for my Inventory and Inking steps.

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Wow. September was one of the most productive months in new learning I have had in a very, very long time. I had created this practice for me, and there was a huge bonus in collaborative learning I had not expected.

Whole milk is wonderfully nutricious as brain food, and I’m never going back to skim. After all, I don’t have to drink everything, just the healthy, satisfying stuff.

Want to try it? First, print your own index card. Then, here are some related posts to help you get in the mood for New Learning while Milking It:

Rosa Say is the author of Managing with Aloha, Bringing Hawaii’s Universal Values to the Art of Business and the Talking Story blog. She is the founder and head coach of Say Leadership Coaching, a company dedicated to bringing nobility to the working arts of management and leadership.For more of her ideas, click to her Thursday columns in the archives; you’ll find her index in the left column of www.ManagingWithAloha.com

Rosa’s Previous Thursday Column was: The Cost of Convenience.

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Rosa Say

Rosa is an author and blogger who dedicates to helping people thrive in the work and live with purpose.

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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