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Interview with Steve Pavlina

Interview with Steve Pavlina

If you like to read personal development blogs and articles, you must have read Steve Pavlina’s blog. His posts like How to Give Up Coffee and How to Become an Early Riser are definitely popular among the self-development blogs. He started his first business, Dexterity Software when he was 22 years old. Now he has moved on his career on writing about personal development. His life is very organized and I am interested what created a man like him. So I prepared a few interesting questions and organized a time to interview Steve.

Steve Pavlina Photo

    Lifehack.org: Would you tell me more about yourself? I read from your About page that you were in game publishing, and now you have moved to writing and speaking full-time on personal development. What makes the change of career?

    Steve Pavlina: I’ve had a long-time passion for personal growth which pre-dates my game publishing business. In fact, I started the games business in 1994 largely because I wanted a challenge.

    As I ran the games business, I began writing articles on game development topics. I wrote a couple dozen articles to help fellow game developers, and I also spoke at industry conferences. Over time these articles became more motivational in nature, and I soon learned that people who didn’t even work in the gaming industry were coming to my site to read them. In the long run, I found I enjoyed writing and speaking more than developing and publishing games, mainly because I saw that I was providing more value to others.

    I started the games business when I was 22 years old. At age 33 after publishing about two dozen games, I had accomplished much of what I had originally set out to do. Plus I had grown a lot and wanted to do something more meaningful than putting out entertainment products. At first I tried to stretch the business to grow along with me, but it was the wrong kind of medium for that and was holding me back. I realized the best thing would be to transition to a whole new career, one that would be based around my interest in personal growth and my increasing desire to contribute.

    I did a lot of self-assessment and planning to figure out what kind of career would suit me best. I didn’t want something that would be inflexible, since I was concerned I’d outgrow it too quickly. So I opted to build an information business based around writing and professional speaking on personal development. I felt this would be much harder for me to outgrow, since I could always adapt the topics as I grew older.

    Lifehacks: From the older articles on “Do it now” and “How to get more done in less time”, to the recent “Self-discipline” and “The meaning of life”, I must say you are pretty good at personal development. How do you get your material to write all those articles?

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    Steve: Presently I average at least 1-2 hours a day soaking up new ideas. This includes reading books, articles, and blogs (including lifehack.org); listening to audio programs; going to seminars and club meetings; and asking questions of people more knowledgeable than me.

    I estimate I’ve read about 600 books and listened to dozens of audio programs on some aspect of personal development.

    These sources give me plenty of ideas — every day I’m taking in far more ideas than I can possibly share with others.

    I have no interest in regurgitating ideas from these sources though because then I’m not producing any new value. So I focus on making new connections that other people haven’t already figured out (or at least I’m unaware that they have). This usually results in me going through many perspective shifts — I think about old ideas in new ways and find links between them that I never saw before. If I think the ideas have merit (usually meaning that they’ve worked for me), I turn them into articles or speeches to share with others.

    I keep flooding my brain with new ideas on a variety of different subjects because I’m constantly looking to form these new connections. I’m always asking questions such as: What’s the connection between self-discipline and motivation? What’s the relationship between selfishness and selflessness? What would an optimal time management system look like, given the way human beings actually behave under real-world conditions? Why is procrastinate such a difficult problem for people; are we perhaps looking at it the wrong way?

    Lifehacks: Like “The meaning of life” series, you are able to deliver heavy content article everyday with quality. Are there any quick writing skill tips you want to share to lifehack.org readers?

    Steve: I average about 3-5 new articles per week, but I definitely don’t write every day. I do have some tips to share though.

    1) Keep your ideas ahead of your writing. I maintain an ideas list for new blog entries on my PC. It currently has over 40 ideas listed, any of which could be developed into a new article. Whenever I come up with a new idea or receive a suggestion via email, I add it to this list. If the list ever drops below 20, I’d do a brainstorming session to bring it back up again. Having an abundance of ideas means that I’m never stuck trying to think of a topic.

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    2) Invite topic suggestions from readers. A few weeks ago, I made a “Suggest a Topic” post and received lots of suggestions for future topics. This also helped me see which topics were in the highest demand, so I could bump those to the top of my list. For example, I received many suggestions for an article about self-discipline, so I wrote a six-part series on that topic.

    3) Write articles in batches and set them to post throughout the week. I often write a week’s worth of articles on the weekend and then set them to be posted at various times throughout the week. This is easy to do with WordPress. This allows me to do my blogging in a single session each week while readers see a steady flow of new posts. It also allows me to capitalize on creative bursts while giving myself a break. So even though visitors might see a new post every day one week, it’s possible that I’ve taken six days off from blogging during that time.

    4) Write first, then edit. Writing a new article is like giving birth. Just get the thing out first, and worry about cleaning up the mess afterwards. I often write a very sloppy first draft just to capture all the ideas, then I set it aside for an hour or a day and make another editing pass. I find that writing and editing at the same time is very slow. When I write I want to get all the ideas out of my head. When I edit I improve the structure of those ideas and make them comprehensible.

    Lifehacks: Besides writing articles for your blog, what else are you doing during your normal day?

    Steve: I work at home, so on a typical day, I get up at 5:00am, get dressed, and exercise (normally running or weight training) for 30-45 minutes. Then I shower, connect with my wife, and have breakfast. At 6:30 I start my workday while my wife handles the kids and takes our daughter to preschool. I spend the morning writing (blog entries, articles, speeches, or my book), and then I check blog comments. At noon I have lunch and feed my son (who’s almost 2). Then I usually work on other projects in the afternoon, like improving the web site, marketing, reading, etc. My son is playing in my office during this time, so it’s harder to do creative work like writing. At 3:30pm I pick up my daughter from preschool (she’s in summer school now), and then from 3:45 until about 5-6pm, I handle my routine tasks like email, checking my stats, processing my inbox, filing, and planning my next day. Then my family and I have dinner together, and my wife and I spend time with the kids and put them to bed. In the evening I’ll read, go to Toastmasters meetings, spend time with my wife, play games, work on personal projects, or sometimes run errands. Yesterday was the 4th of July, so last night we all went to a nearby park with a great view of the Las Vegas Strip and watched the fireworks. I usually go to bed around 10-11pm.

    Lifehacks: Would you tell me more about the book you are writing? What sort of topics are you writing?

    Steve: The book is called Personal Development for Smart People. This is for people who seek a deep understanding of how they can grow and improve as human beings, not those seeking simplistic solutions to complex problems.

    Mainly the book is about how to take conscious control over the different parts of your life in order to improve your results across the board — better health, better relationships, a better career, etc. The chapters are organized conceptually, so each chapter dives deeply into a particular concept and then explains how to apply it to the various parts of your life. I include plenty of personal stories and examples.

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    For instance, there’s a whole chapter on courage. This is a subject that I feel has been terribly overlooked today, yet it’s essential for personal growth. This chapter explains why courage is so important and how you can build your courage. Fear holds people back far more than they realize, and courage is the antidote. But most people don’t even know it’s possible for them to become braver, nor do they have any idea of how to do so intelligently. What could greater courage do for your relationships, your career, your finances, your self-esteem?

    Other topics include perception, self-discipline, focus, motivation, emotions, action, and purpose. Again, these are all high-level concepts, so each chapter begins with something very abstract and drills down to the level of practical application and real-world results.

    Most personal development books I’ve read don’t take a conceptual approach. They typically use either a topical or a chronological structure. For example, you might see a book with chapters on health, relationships, career, money, etc. I opted not to write a book like that because I think it’s more important that people understand and master the high-level tools of personal development and learn how to apply them to different areas. I want people to understand why something works and understand the logic behind it, so they’ll have good reason to apply it. It also forces me to explain why I expect a certain approach to work from the top down.

    If you understand the concepts, you can take conscious control of your own personal growth. If I teach you a way to make more money, that’s not going to help you directly improve your health or your relationships or your spiritual growth. And someday that method of making money may become obsolete anyway, or it might not even work for you. But if I can show you a way to build your self-discipline, that can benefit you in every area of your life, and the benefits will be permanent.

    Lifehacks: In your recent article of “Six months of Goal-mongering”, you have categorized your accomplishments through Physical, Work/Career, Toastmasters/Speaking, Mental/Skill-Building, Social, Financial and Personal/Home. How are those aspects affecting your life? Which one would be the most critical aspect for your success in life? How do you manage all those different tasks together?

    Steve: I think all these areas are important. If I put any of them ahead of the others, my life would be out of balance. But since my primary value is growth, you’ll notice that the areas represent different aspects of my own growth, so that’s the guiding force behind them.

    I’ve written previously about how I manage these different goals. I maintain a Personal Accountability System to keep myself focused.

    And I also use a heavily modified version of David Allen’s Getting Things Done system to manage my goals, projects, and tasks as explained in this article – More on planning.

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    Lifehacks: What are your future plans on your home page?

    Steve: My short-term plans include adding more free content and releasing my book. Long-term I intend to add more books, audio content, and probably some video as well. I’m keeping my long-term plans flexible because as technologies like podcasting and RSS mature, unforeseen opportunities may arise, and I don’t want to be stuck with overly rigid goals. The main goal of the site will remain the same — to be a strong resource for those who want to take conscious control of their lives. But the precise media involved are likely to evolve considerably over the next several years.

    Lifehacks: Besides writing your book, do you have other projects coming up on your plate?

    Steve: Yes. My book is my primary project, but I have two large secondary projects. The first has been the most visible — building StevePavlina.com’s content and growing it’s traffic. The site is loaded with free content now, and traffic has increased 600% over the past six months, so that’s been going well.

    The other significant secondary project is launching myself into professional speaking. I’ve spent over a year just building my skill in this area. I’m also learning the business side of speaking to prepare myself for going pro.

    I’m keeping my project options open for after the book is done. If it sells well, I’m likely to develop an audio program based on the same material. But I’ll decide which primary project to tackle next after the book is released and I get feedback from the readers.

    Lifehacks: Thanks for your time, Steve. It is my pleasure to interview you. Looking forward to your book and more articles in your blog.

    Steve: Thank you, Leon. And keep up with the great work with Lifehack.org!


    About Steve Pavlina
    Steve Pavlina’s Blog

    More by this author

    Leon Ho

    Founder of Lifehack

    Book summary: A Technique for Producing Ideas 10 Ways to Extend Laptop Battery Life Bob Parsons on His 16 Rules for Survival Free note taking templates and techniques Fifty Essential Topics on Economics

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    Last Updated on September 16, 2020

    3 Simple Signs of a Strong and Healthy Relationship

    3 Simple Signs of a Strong and Healthy Relationship

    In helping many people solve their relationship woes, I am often asked for the signs of a good relationship.

    Well, what’s fascinating about relationships is the dynamics of two individuals coming together and staying together amid an array of perceptions and misperceptions.

    Our relationships are not only influenced by our current actions but also by our past relationships and the life experiences that we bring forward into the current relationship. How we deal with misperceptions and misunderstandings determines the strength and health of our relationship and the level of happiness we are able to experience.

    Much of the subconscious programming that takes place throughout our life causes us to sabotage our happiness by preventing us from engaging effectively, especially when we become emotionally triggered.

    These mostly unconscious “scripts,” which we tend to run on autopilot, include our thoughts, words, and actions that result from these. Some may even refer to them as “baggage.” While we can rewrite these scripts and stop them from contaminating our relationships, we only become aware of them when we are in an emotionally empowered state.

    So, what are the signs of a good relationship?

    It boils down to these four essential requirements:

    • Emotional empowerment
    • Aligned attraction
    • Sexual functioning
    • You and your partner

    While we can take it upon ourselves to develop as an individual, a strong and healthy relationship results from both personal growth and teamwork with our partner in order to resolve any problems.

    Let’s take a look at how we can do this.

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    1. Emotional Empowerment

    A clear sign of a good relationship is that both partners stay focused on what they want to create and how they want to feel. It can be too easy to blame our partner when we’re not feeling good about ourselves or somewhat overwhelmed with the curveballs that life seems to throw at us continually.

    You may have heard of the saying, “Making mountains out of molehills.” When we’re not in charge of our emotional state, that’s precisely what we do!

    Someone also said, “It’s not what you say, but how you say it.” Our words and the emotional power behind them are either being constructive or destructive in our relationships.

    By trying to override your emotions and dredging up past situations, you may blow a current situation entirely out of context, keep retriggering yourself and your partner, and prevent essential issues from being resolved. Aside from that, it makes you feel disconnected.

    As a reminder, allowing yourself to indulge in petty annoyances and sarcastic comments will likely drive a wedge between you and your partner. So, is that worth your attention?

    When we focus on what we don’t want, we continually default to the old subconscious programming cultivated from our life experiences. These “scripts” can become self-destructive when expressed through negative rumination and self-talk or critical observations of our partner, rather than being the fun, uplifting, and naturally motivating partner that they fell in love with.

    Many couples start competing against each other when they are emotionally triggered instead of supporting each other to create the best outcome. While we can quickly become obsessed with being right (or not being wrong), it’s essential to stay present, focus on how we want to feel, and align our words and actions toward that outcome.

    Couples who enjoy a strong and healthy relationship consciously monitor their emotional states and can therefore influence the impact of their verbal and non-verbal communication in a positive manner. This offers a long-term benefit of enhancing their overall desire to be together and connect on more intimate levels.[1]

    2. Attraction in Alignment

    Known as the love and bonding hormone, oxytocin doesn’t just play an important role in intimacy. In truth, it’s also vital for increasing trust and attraction between two people. Synthesized in the human brain when you trust someone, the oxytocin molecule also motivates reciprocation.

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    We’re living in an age where an individual’s independence is ruling the day, and the social codes of chivalry have become sadly redundant. However, it’s never a good time to become complacent in how we interact with each other and in respecting the environment we share.

    According to Paul Zak, a neuroscientist and researcher at Claremont Graduate University, oxytocin is generated in the brain only after some concrete event or action, such as someone making way for you in the street.[2]

    “When someone does something nice for you such as holding a door, your brain releases oxytocin, and it down-regulates the appropriate fear you have of interacting with strangers.” — Paul Zak

    Suddenly, you feel like the person in front of you is not a threat. Then, according to Zak, this feeling disappears quickly for a good reason,

    “If you just had high levels of oxytocin, you would be giving away resources to every stranger on the street. So, this is a quick on/off system.”

    This has important implications for those in a relationship. Zak says:

    “If you treat me well, in most cases my brain will synthesize oxytocin and this will motivate me to treat you well in return.”

    In a relationship, our actions and behaviors are either attracting or repelling our partner. This is especially true when we have conflicting values. Common conflicting values include personal hygiene, health and fitness, and general tidiness.

    It’s important to know and respect what’s important to our partner. After all, one of the real signs of a good relationship is having the desire to continually step up and live your “A” game.[3] When our partner takes the time to communicate something important to them, we need to acknowledge that it’s essential to keep a relationship long-term.

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    While we like to think that our partner will be attracted to us no matter what, this is not realistic at all. “A” is for attraction, and we need to keep attracting our partner instead of being lazy and pretending we can get away with unappealing or inappropriate behaviors.

    Any unresolved issue can build up resentment and undermine the quality of a relationship. However, the thought of approaching a challenging topic can increase stress and anxiety to the point where it is nearly impossible to clearly communicate the problem without it sounding like an accusation or blame.

    Due to the fear of retriggering our partner by bringing up the same topic repeatedly, we often delay dealing with the issues that are of utmost importance to us. Over time, it can result in frustration, annoyance, and disconnection. We are sentient beings, so this type of emotional resistance can often be felt by the other person.

    Furthermore, we usually communicate a part of a request out loud and then complete the reasoning behind it internally. Unfortunately, our partner doesn’t hear this internal monologue, so they have no idea about the extent or importance of our need. Therefore, many problems aren’t fully discussed, and the main issue remains unresolved.

    “Prolonged stress and anxiety are like poison to oxytocin,” Paul Zak said. The underlying biological hypothesis is that stress — particularly the type that does not have a clear ending point — inhibits oxytocin release.

    In a healthy relationship, both partners can retain the desire to step up and continue to attract each other through verbal and non-verbal communication. Try remembering the following:

    • Every person has their own preference for how things are done, so effective communication requires actively listening as well as clearly communicating your needs.
    • Before talking about an important matter, make sure you have your partner’s full attention. Then, try to keep your words focused in the here and now.
    • Instead of rehashing a similar experience from your past for context and risking triggering each other emotionally, get to the point and explain what you want at once. If you feel uncomfortable doing that, try starting a request with “I like it when…” or “It makes me feel…” You may also ask, “How can we work together to create a win-win situation?”
    • If something is important enough for your partner to mention out loud, then you must respect, consider, and adhere to it whenever possible. For example, if a partner is brave enough to open up about their need for sexual intimacy to feel more connected, it may be an issue that needs to be addressed in your relationship.

    According to psychiatrist and Emory University professor Larry Young, increased intimacy can strengthen your connection as a couple, especially when you combine it with other rewarding experiences that get your brain’s reward system going.[4]

    Verbally appreciate your partner’s effort in supporting your needs and make sure to retain your individuality and interests outside the relationship to keep your mutual attraction.

    3. Sexual Function

    Sex is the one thing that differentiates a strong, healthy relationship from a platonic friendship. Sexual intimacy is one of the most important signs of a good relationship and has often been described as the glue that holds a relationship together.

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    Sexual intimacy allows two people who seek the ultimate connection with each other to come together. However, intimacy problems can lead to separation, loneliness, and disconnection — feelings that can eventually tear a relationship apart.

    Unfulfilling sex leads to an increase in stress hormones which results in a lowered libido as sexual intimacy becomes a souce of discomfort on all levels. A common cause of a low libido is, for example, sexual function issues such as early ejaculation and erectile dysfunction challenges in men; and orgasmic dysfunction for women.[5] An unwanted sexual technique such as hard and fast or constant changes of position can also be off-putting.

    While work stress, children rearing, and communication issues can all lower your libido and affect your overall desire for sex, a sexless marriage or relationship is not favorable for the vast majority of couples long-term.

    One of the most important things for women in a relationship is to experience a sense of connection or feel loved and close to their partner. But this is where things can become tricky pretty quickly, considering women naturally have much higher levels of the bonding hormone oxytocin than men. For men, higher levels of oxytocin are generated through intimate connections.

    What is the takeaway here, you may ask? Our hormones influence our behaviors, and oxytocin is said to be responsible for allowing us to experience love. In reality, studies have also shown that oxytocin can even work as the brain’s “moral molecule.” The more intimate moments we have, the more our bodies release the said hormone.

    This is especially important for a male to feel more connected and attentive toward his partner. Research indicates that a man who is often sexually intimate with his beloved can produce increased levels of oxytocin.[6] In turn, it boosts his desire to hold and connect with his partner and stimulate positive social interaction.

    A positive sign of a strong and healthy relationship is both partners’ desire to be intimate with each other. If either of the partners has little or no desire for initiating intimacy, then they need to address the issues mentioned in this article to restore intimacy in order to enjoy a truly fulfilling partnership.

    Final Thoughts

    The most important sign of being in a strong and healthy relationship is that you feel happy within yourself and in your connections.

    While it’s not always possible to stay happy and connected with someone, ensuring that you are emotionally aligned with yourself and aware of your partner’s needs will go a long way to guarantee the health and longevity of your relationship.

    After all, compelling narratives also cause oxytocin release and can affect your attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors.

    More on Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

    Featured photo credit: Candice Picard via unsplash.com

    Reference

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