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How To Take Criticism Like Donald Trump

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How To Take Criticism Like Donald Trump

Donald Trump & Melania (Courtesy of Boss Tweed via flickr)

    Donald Trump & Melania (Courtesy of Boss Tweed via flickr)

    I’ve noticed lately that people aren’t very good at handling criticism, even when they’ve asked for it.

    Our natural tendency when given advice or criticism is to become defensive and upset. We try to convince the person they’re wrong (or at least to see it from our perspective) which, ironically, has the exact opposite of the intended effect.

    Know what the single most effective way is to disarm criticism?  Agree with it.

    You can imagine some common situations where this might come up…

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    • You’re making a presentation at work and afterward someone asks a “hostile” question which challenges you in front of everyone.
    • You’re selling your car and a potential buyer comments that the color or condition is really not to their liking.
    • A friend/mentor/family member tries to offer you some honest feedback which you feel is totally unwarranted.

    Most people will react to all of these in a similar way: a defensive and reactive position.  You can immediately see it in their eyes: it is an emotional response and they get upset.

    • “Actually I made the chart that way on purpose.  I included the extra data because it’s important to the overall message and the other people I showed it to didn’t think it detracted from the presentation at all.”
    • “Really, you don’t like the color?  That’s strange because I get compliments on it all the time.  It’s hard to find this color actually, it’s a rare commodity.”
    • “What do you mean I’m not focused?  I work really hard.  I mean just because I’m doing those two things doesn’t mean I can’t put all my effort into it!”

    In each of these cases, have you convinced the person of your point of view?  Most likely the answer is no.  In fact, you have further reinforced their original belief in their own mind.  If you could spell out the internal dialog going on in their heads it would be something like this:

    • “Woa!  I guess I hit a nerve with that one.  SOMEBODY can’t take advice…not only does the chart suck but he/she is in denial about it, nice!”
    • “Great…you love the color idiot.  You’re not buying it, I am, and I’m losing interest by the second because you’re starting to annoy me.”
    • “Geez…I guess I won’t bring that up again.  It’s a shame because we’ve all know this about John for years…it’s obvious to all of us but we just can’t seem to get it through to him.  Maybe if a few more of us mention it.”

    There is an important rule behind all of this that I’d like you to remember:

    The more defensive you become, the more likely that the person criticizing you is actually right!

    Really…think about it for a moment.  What if someone came up to you and said “Your name is Bubba Gump”.  Would this upset you?  Since your name is obviously NOT Bubba Gump, this is a ridiculous accusation and the chances of this getting an emotional response out of you are slim.

    But what if someone came up to you and said “You smell bad”.  Well, it’s still pretty ridiculous but you know what, we all do smell bad at times, and hey…there may be a little bit of truth to that.  You might start to get a little bit defensive: “What?  I don’t smell bad, what are you talking about?”

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    Now if we look at a statement that is even farther along the spectrum: “You are actually the most selfish person that I know.  All of your friends talk about you behind your back and say how selfish you are.  If you dropped dead tomorrow no one would care.”  Now THAT is likely to get an emotional response!  Why?  Because there is some truth to it.  We all are a little selfish sometimes and think about ourselves probably more than we should.  And, even though its unpleasant to think about, if we did drop dead tomorrow a lot of people wouldn’t care!  Damnit, they’re right and that pisses me off!  (An emotional response.)

    Since I’ve learned this, it has played out to be true in my own life.  Whenever someone makes a comment that really gets to me, I’ll end up finding out (usually much later) that they were actually mostly right.  Think back to an example in your own life when a comment really got to you personally.  Did it end up being true?

    How To Diffuse Any Criticism

    Hopefully that gives you a little insight into criticism and when you should take it seriously.  Now lets focus on how to diffuse criticism that you don’t want.

    At the beginning I said that the secret to diffusing criticism is to agree with it.  I can hear you asking, “but Brian, what if the criticism really is wrong??  I can’t just agree with it!”

    True, but you can do what I call “tacitly agreeing” or “indirect agreement”.  You do this by saying something like “thats a good point, thanks for that” or “you know you’re right, there might be some truth to that, I’ll have to consider it”.

    Have you really agreed to anything?  No.  But you have taken the wind out of their sails.

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    Imagine for a moment someone giving a speech in front of a huge audience.  The speaker finishes and Q&A begins where the audience can ask questions.  The first question comes from a very hostile listener who clearly disagrees with everything that has been said.  He or she begins their rant (disguised as a question), very eager to have the stage for a moment, and begins to insult and criticize every notion that the speaker has brought up.  The rest of the audience is silently thinking to themselves “wow this is really uncomfortable, this guy is really going at it”.  Finally, the speaker has a chance to respond.

    There are really two ways he could respond, and I want you to think about what each response communicates to the audience.  The “subtext”, if you will.

    The first response he could give would be to fight back against the questioner with as much force as was used against him.  He could get upset and use words like “obviously, you don’t understand the very basic premise of this concept if you’re going to say that, what a ridiculous thing to say”.  The audience would see his emotional response and think “wow that really got to him, he lost his composure”.  In the back of their minds they’ll also be thinking “you know if he got that upset by it, maybe the guy was at least partially right, now I’m not sure”.

    The second response he could give would be to diffuse the criticism with tacit agreement.  “You know [slight laugh], that’s a great point thank you for bringing that up.  I’ll take that under consideration.  Ok…next question over here…”  In other words: treat it as if the guy had just said “Your name is Bubba Gump!”  It’s not even worth answering.  It’s as if a child had said it.  The audience’s perception is now the complete opposite: “wow that was really embarrassing for the guy who just asked that ridiculous question, he looked like a total idiot”.

    Getting emotionally upset gives your power away to the criticizer.

    Watch The Master Of This At Work: Donald Trump

    Whether you love him or hate, the next time you see Donald Trump on some news show, watch a master of diffusing criticism at work.  One of the other guests will usually rail into him, calling him all sorts of bad things and accusing him of publicity stunts, business failures, and misogyny.  What is Trump’s response?  He will usually tacitly agree and change the subject, the whole time as cool as a cucumber.  You’ll never see him get upset.

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    Someone could say “Mr. Trump is quite possibly one of the most dishonest people that I’ve seen in recent memory, he routinely exaggerates his business dealings, and I know personally a number of people who will never deal with him again.”

    The host will then turn it back over to Trump, and ask for his response.  “That’s right Larry, I mean this is an exciting time for the New York real estate market, and it’s great to see so many new people getting involved, there is going to be a small fortune made over the next few years by smart investors.”

    The accuser is thinking “wait, what just happened?  I called him a liar and he is talking about real estate sounding so happy.  He made me look like a whiny little kid.  Now I’m upset!”  Meanwhile, the audience has all but forgotten and is focused on something else.

    When taking criticism…

    • Tacitly agree and don’t get upset (this is how you lose your power)
    • Remember that the more upset you get, the more likely they were right
    • Don’t argue back, you’re not convincing people of anything
    • Finally, accept (and actively seek out) criticism from friends and mentors with an open mind.  You’ll find out things about yourself that everyone else has known for years but was too afraid to tell you.

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    Last Updated on January 5, 2022

    How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

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    How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

    We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

    Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

    Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

    Expressing Anger

    Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

    Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

    Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

    Being Passive-Aggressive

    This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

    Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

    This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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    Poorly-Timed

    Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

    An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

    Ongoing Anger

    Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

    Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

    Healthy Ways to Express Anger

    What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

    Being Honest

    Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

    Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

    Being Direct

    Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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    Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

    Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

    Being Timely

    When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

    Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

    Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

    How to Deal With Anger

    If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

    1. Slow Down

    From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

    In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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    When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

    2. Focus on the “I”

    Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

    When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

    3. Work out

    When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

    Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

    Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

    4. Seek Help When Needed

    There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

    5. Practice Relaxation

    We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

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    That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

    Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

    6. Laugh

    Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

    7. Be Grateful

    It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

    Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

    Final Thoughts

    Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go or motivated. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

    During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

    Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

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    More Resources on Anger Management

    Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

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