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How to Handle Criticism

How to Handle Criticism
Screaming

How well do you handle criticism? I’ve been dealt a lot of criticism ranging from harsh feedback to feeling completely insulted. Although the saying goes, “Stick and stones can break by bones, but words can never hurt me,” a harsh piece of feedback can definitely leave you with a bruised ego.

Despite the sting, I’ve found criticism can often be useful. Feedback can help you fix mistakes and improve. I believe criticism can often show you what your own blind spots are, pointing you out to problems before they arise. I’ve found my ability to use sometimes harsh feedback, has given me an advantage in my own self-improvement.

Brace for Impact – Managing Criticism is More Than a Platitude

If negative feedback can be useful, why does it make you feel lousy in the first place?

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I don’t have a scientific answer for this, but I believe a lot of it has to do with our ancestors. Living in small groups of about a hundred people, becoming a social outcast could be a death sentence. So humans became sensitive to any threats on their status or social standing. Bullying still happens, but in today’s world, where you may be in a group of thousands, it is far easier to use feedback instead of automatically assuming it is a personal attack.

My point is that criticism will always feel lousy, and saying some inspirational quote probably won’t change this much. But just because it can feel bad, doesn’t mean you can’t use it.

Distinguish Between Feedback and Insults

You can’t use feedback if you can’t first distinguish it from insults. Sometimes the line that separates feedback from insults can be blurry, but I’ve found most people draw the line so that many pieces of useful feedback are labeled as insults.

Just because feedback is harsh, doesn’t mean it is an insult. An insult is a tactic of the other person to manipulate or bully you and doesn’t have anything to do with you. You have to handle insults differently than feedback, but the first step is to know where to draw the line.

You can’t be perfect in distinguishing between the two, but I’ve found it useful to ask what the intention was. Are they trying to help or communicating how they feel about you or your actions? Even if it was harsh that is probably just feedback. If it was only an attempt to manipulate you or others than it might be an insult.

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How to Use Feedback

Once you’ve gotten over the initial sting of some harsh criticism, you need to ask yourself how you are going to use it. I’ve found that there are generally three options: learn, ignore or assert.

1) Learn

Was the feedback genuine and useful? If it is true, you can try to learn from it. I don’t choose whether to use feedback based on how harsh it was. The most negative feedback can often open you up to complete blind spots.

When I first started writing I had a few pieces of criticism that stung. But I decided to turn it into advice, and it helped me overcome a lot of my blind spots. Taking negative feedback and making a mental note of it to improve later can turn a harsh blow into a useful aid later on.

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2) Ignore

Sometimes the feedback is genuine, but it isn’t useful. I’ve received a lot of advice in the form of criticism that may have been valid but I chose to ignore. Before I started my own personal development website over a year ago, I was told by some people that I shouldn’t do it. I considered that advice, but chose to ignore it.

Ignoring doesn’t mean you become defensive or hostile towards the other person. Sometimes all it requires is informing them that you simply believe they are wrong. If you become hostile towards someone who is trying to offer feedback, you can often stop them from giving you useful feedback later.

3) Assert

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If you’ve decided you can’t learn from a piece of feedback, sometimes you need to assert yourself. If you are being manipulated or bullied by the other person, you need to stand your ground.

This is why it becomes important to draw the line between feedback and insults. Reacting defensively to feedback usually only serves to make you look insecure or can make the situation worse by damaging your relationship. But if the person is using criticism as an attempt to bully or manipulate, calmly asserting yourself can handle the situation.

Usually I find it is a matter of volume. If someone occasionally gives a piece of feedback that I don’t like and choose to ignore, going on the defensive can prevent you from getting useful feedback later. But for those people that are constantly criticizing when it isn’t helpful or polite, you have to be assertive.

I examine any feedback I get through these three filters. If I can use the feedback, I thank the other person for their input and start using it immediately. If I can’t use it, but the feedback was genuine, ignoring it and moving forward might be the best option. Finally if the feedback wasn’t genuine or it is being used to manipulate, I assert myself.

Notice how there isn’t a fourth option of, “quietly simmer and resent the comment.” It can be hard to know where to place feedback, but it needs to fit somewhere within the three. Reacting aggressively to helpful advice isn’t useful, but staying quiet in the face of a bully won’t work either.

Scott Young is a University student who writes about personal development, productivity and goal setting. Some of Scott’s popular articles include: Habitual Mastery, Double Your Reading Rate and How to Ace Your Finals Without Studying. You can get his free e-book on Holistic Learning here

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Scott H Young

Scott is obsessed with personal development. For the last ten years, he's been experimenting to find out how to learn and think better.

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Last Updated on September 17, 2019

10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

Positive thinking can lead to a lot of positive change in your life. Developing an optimistic outlook can be good for both your physical and mental health.

But sometimes, certain situations arise in life that makes it hard to keep a positive outlook. Take steps to make positive thinking become more like your second nature and you’ll reap the biggest benefits.

Here are 10 ways to make thinking positive thoughts easy:

1. Spend Time with Positive People

If you surround yourself with constant complainers, their negativity is likely to rub off on you.

Spend time with positive friends and family members to increase the likelihood that their positive thinking habits will become yours too. It’s hard to be negative when everyone around you is so positive.

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2. Take Responsibility for Your Behavior

When you encounter problems and difficulties in life, don’t play the role of the victim. Acknowledge your role in the situation and take responsibility for your behavior.

Accepting responsibility can help you learn from mistakes and prevent you from blaming others unfairly.

3. Contribute to the Community

One of the best ways to feel good about what you have, is to focus on what you have to give.

Volunteer in some manner and give back to the community. Helping others can give you a new outlook on the world and can assist you with positive thinking.

4. Read Positive and Inspirational Materials

Spend time each day reading something that encourages positive thinking. Read the Bible, spiritual material, or inspirational quotes to help you focus on what’s important to you in life. It can be a great way to start and end your day.

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Some recommendations for you:

5. Recognize and Replace Negative Thoughts

You won’t be successful at positive thinking if you’re still plagued by frequent negative thoughts. Learn to recognize and replace thoughts that are overly negative. Often, thoughts that include words like “always” and “never” signal that they aren’t true.

If you find yourself thinking something such as, “I always mess everything up,” replace it with something more realistic such as, “Sometimes I make mistakes but I learn from them.”

There’s no need to make your thoughts unrealistically positive, but instead, make them more realistic.

6. Establish and Work Toward Goals

It’s easier to be positive about problems and setbacks when you have goals that you’re working toward. Goals will give you motivation to overcome those obstacles when you encounter problems along the way. Without clear goals, it’s harder to make decisions and gauge your progress.

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Learn to set SMART goals to help you achieve more.

7. Consider the Consequences of Negativity

Spend some time thinking about the consequences of negative thinking. Often, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example, a person who thinks, “I probably won’t get this job interview,” may put less effort into the interview. As a result, he may decrease his chances of getting the job.

Create a list of all the ways negative thinking impacts your life. It likely influences your behavior, your relationships, and your feelings. Then, create a list of the ways in which positive thinking could be beneficial.

8. Offer Compliments to Others

Look for reasons to compliment others. Be genuine in your praise and compliments, but offer it frequently. This will help you look for the good in other people.

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9. Create a Daily Gratitude List

If you start keeping a daily gratitude list, you’ll start noticing exactly how much you have to be thankful for. This can help you focus on the positive in your life instead of thinking about all the bad things that have happened in the day.

Getting in the habit of showing an attitude of gratitude makes positive thinking more of a habit. Here’re 40 Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude.

10. Practice Self-Care

Take good care of yourself and you’ll be more equipped to think positively.

Get plenty of rest and exercise and practice managing your stress well. Taking care of your physical and mental health will provide you with more energy to focus on positive thinking.

Learn about these 30 Self-Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit.

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Featured photo credit: DESIGNECOLOGIST via unsplash.com

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