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How to End Any Argument Immediately

How to End Any Argument Immediately

“You are an arrogant prick, and I can’t stand having to work with you!”

Not the best way to start an impromptu business meeting, but that’s what I got.

I was working for Dell as a sales rep—part of a three-person team chosen to manage a group of mid-sized business clients.  The guy yelling, we’ll call him Jeb (not his real name), was on the same team, and we disagreed on how we should be dealing with a particular customer. Normally, a disagreement about something sales-related is an easy problem to solve, unless the two people absolutely can’t stand each other.

Such was my case with this particular co-worker.

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As soon as the door to our small conference room closed, I was assaulted with a barrage of insults: my sales skills were terrible, my attitude was horrible, customers didn’t like me at all, and I was ruining everyone’s chances of hitting quota.

I knew these were mostly false charges.  I had been a sales trainer for 7 years and ended the last quarter as the #1 rep in my division.  I walked in every day with a smile and generally got along well with people.  Some new customers didn’t care for me very much, but some of the customers who didn’t like the previous rep liked me much more; not everyone connects with their sales rep.  We were exceeding our quota expectations and looked like we would hit it early.

In the split-second before I threw all of these brilliant facts in Jeb’s face, I made a fascinating, and long overdu, realization: pointing out how he was wrong about everything would simply lead us into another long and unfruitful argument, leaving us both angry and less productive. Instead, I found myself saying “You know, I’ve never really thought of it that way.  Can you explain it to me a little more?”

It took every ounce of will power and happy thoughts I had to say these words without clenching my teeth.  I smiled a genuine smile and listened politely.

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The results amazed me.

Jeb started pointing out exactly what I had done wrong with all of my interactions, explaining in great detail my many poor decisions and statements.  He gave sort of a musical quality to his speech, starting off high on tempo and excitement, fading down to low notes, then rising to new vocal heights as he really thought about what was pissing him off. Through it all, I looked him in the eye and didn’t say a word. After about three minutes, the speech changed.  He started saying things like “I know you don’t mean anything by…” and “I think you’re a good salesman, but with some of these customers, you rub them wrong when you say…”

Eventually, I went from “arrogant prick” to “new guy on the team still learning where he fits in.”  Granted, this wasn’t the best outcome I could have hoped for (Jeb deciding he was absolutely wrong and I had been right about everything) but it was a far cry better than what he and I usually left the conference room with. Since that fateful day, I’ve reused this exact sentence over and over, and the results are always the same: angry details followed by understanding, then a willingness to work together on the issue.

Why does this sentence work?

The answer is simple: you can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back.

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The moment you ask someone to clarify, and then let them talk, you are actually taking away their ability to argue with you.  The person can’t respond to “can you explain that a little more?” with “No!” without sounding and feeling like an idiot.  Even if they do, they will probably be embarrassed enough to leave the room anyway (which I suppose is another way to end the argument.)

There is a second, more powerful reason this technique is so effective: our natural desire for attention. One of the biggest reasons arguments get so out of hand is because each person is trying to be heard OVER the other person.  When we satisfy this desire, we tend to calm down.  We have no need to raise our voice if the other person is being calm.

Lastly, and the best reason why this technique works so well, is that you will actually look stronger and smarter after using it.  Weak and scared people always seek to defend themselves, while strong, confident people seek feedback and criticism in order to improve.  Whether it’s just the two of you, or a group of people watching, you will look cool and collected—always a good choice.

A final note: this technique only works if you respectfully listen to the other person and DO NOT interrupt.  Wait until they feel obligated to ask you for a response before speaking, and don’t sulk or get upset with the person talking; they are being honest with you and you should be grateful this conversation is happening in your presence instead of behind your back.

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Jeb and I never became friends.  He isn’t a bad guy, just someone with a very different view on a lot of things.  We WERE able to work together until I left the company, and we closed some pretty nice deals together—sometimes acceptance is all we can achieve, and that’s okay.

Now, let me ask you a question: what’s a situation in which you feel this technique wouldn’t work?  Please leave a comment below; I’d love to hear a little more about it.

Trent

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Last Updated on May 21, 2019

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

How to Communicate Effectively in Any Relationship

For all our social media bravado, we live in a society where communication is seen less as an art, and more as a perfunctory exercise. We spend so much time with people, yet we struggle with how to meaningfully communicate.

If you believe you have mastered effective communication, scan the list below and see whether you can see yourself in any of the examples:

Example 1

You are uncomfortable with a person’s actions or comments, and rather than telling the individual immediately, you sidestep the issue and attempt to move on as though the offending behavior or comment never happened.

You move on with the relationship and develop a pattern of not addressing challenging situations. Before long, the person with whom you are in relationship will say or do something that pushes you over the top and predictably, you explode or withdraw completely from the relationship.

In this example, hard-to-speak truths become never- expressed truths that turn into resentment and anger.

Example 2

You communicate from the head and without emotion. While what you communicate makes perfect sense to you, it comes across as cold because it lacks emotion.

People do not understand what motivates you to say what you say, and without sharing your feelings and emotions, others experience you as rude, cold or aggressive.

You will know this is a problem if people shy away from you, ignore your contributions in meetings or tell you your words hurt. You can also know you struggle in this area if you find yourself constantly apologizing for things you have said.

Example 3

You have an issue with one person, but you communicate your problem to an entirely different person.

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The person in whom you confide lacks the authority to resolve the matter troubling you, and while you have vented and expressed frustration, the underlying challenge is unresolved.

Example 4

You grew up in a family with destructive communication habits and those habits play out in your current relationships.

Because you have never stopped to ask why you communicate the way you do and whether your communication style still works, you may lack understanding of how your words impact others and how to implement positive change.

If you find yourself in any of the situations described above, this article is for you.

Communication can build or decimate worlds and it is important we get it right. Regardless of your professional aspirations or personal goals, you can improve your communication skills if you:

  • Understand your own communication style
  • Tailor your style depending on the needs of the audience
  • Communicate with precision and care
  • Be mindful of your delivery, timing and messenger

1. Understand Your Communication Style

To communicate effectively, you must understand the communication legacy passed down from our parents, grandparents or caregivers. Each of us grew up with spoken and unspoken rules about communication.

In some families, direct communication is practiced and honored. In other families, family members are encouraged to shy away from difficult conversations. Some families appreciate open and frank dialogue and others do not. Other families practice silence about substantive matters, that is, they seldom or rarely broach difficult conversations at all.

Before you can appreciate the nuance required in communication, it helps to know the familial patterns you grew up with.

2. Learn Others Communication Styles

Communicating effectively requires you to take a step back, assess the intended recipient of your communication and think through how the individual prefers to be communicated with. Once you know this, you can tailor your message in a way that increases the likelihood of being heard. This also prevents you from assuming the way you communicate with one group is appropriate or right for all groups or people.

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If you are unsure how to determine the styles of the groups or persons with whom you are interacting, you can always ask them:

“How do you prefer to receive information?”

This approach requires listening, both to what the individuals say as well as what is unspoken. Virgin Group CEO Richard Branson noted that the best communicators are also great listeners.

To communicate effectively from relationship to relationship and situation to situation, you must understand the communication needs of others.

3. Exercise Precision and Care

A recent engagement underscored for me the importance of exercising care when communicating.

On a recent trip to Ohio, I decided to meet up with an old friend to go for a walk. As we strolled through the soccer park, my friend gently announced that he had something to talk about, he was upset with me. His introduction to the problem allowed me to mentally shift gears and prepare for the conversation.

Shortly after introducing the shift in conversation, my friend asked me why I didn’t invite him to the launch party for my business. He lives in Ohio and I live in the D.C. area.

I explained that the event snuck up on me, and I only started planning the invite list three weeks before the event. Due to the last-minute nature of the gathering, I opted to invite people in the DMV area versus my friends from outside the area – I didn’t want to be disrespectful by asking them to travel on such short notice.

I also noted that I didn’t want to be disappointed if he and others declined to come to the event. So I played it safe in terms of inviting people who were local.

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In the moment, I felt the conversation went very well. I also checked in with my friend a few days after our walk, affirmed my appreciation for his willingness to communicate his upset and our ability to work through it.

The way this conversation unfolded exemplified effective communication. My friend approached me with grace and vulnerability. He approached me with a level of curiosity that didn’t put me on my heels — I was able to really listen to what he was saying, apologize for how my decision impacted him and vow that going forward, I would always ask rather than making decisions for him and others.

Our relationship is intact, and I now have information that will help me become a better friend to him and others.

4. Be Mindful of Delivery, Timing and Messenger

Communicating effectively also requires thinking through the delivery of the message one intends to communicate as well as the appropriate time for the discussion.

In an Entrepreneur.com column, VIP Contributor Deep Patel, noted that persons interested in communicating well need to master the art of timing. Patel noted,[1]

“Great comedians, like all great communicators, are able to feel out their audience to determine when to move on to a new topic or when to reiterate an idea.”

Communicating effectively also requires thoughtfulness about the messenger. A person prone to dramatic, angry outbursts should never be called upon to deliver constructive feedback, especially to people whom they do not know. The immediate aftermath of a mass shooting is not the ideal time to talk about the importance of the Second Amendment rights.

Like everyone else, I must work to ensure my communication is layered with precision and care.

It requires precision because words must be carefully tailored to the person with whom you are speaking.

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It requires intentionality because before one communicates, one should think about the audience and what the audience needs in order to hear your message the way you intended it to be communicated.

It requires active listening which is about hearing verbal and nonverbal messages.

Even though we may be right in what we say, how we say it could derail the impact of the message and the other parties’ ability to hear the message.

Communicating with care is also about saying things that the people in our life need to hear and doing so with love.

The Bottom Line

When I left the meeting with my dear friend, I wondered if I was replicating or modeling this level of openness and transparency in the rest of my relationships.

I was intrigued and appreciative. He’d clearly thought about what he wanted to say to me, picked the appropriate time to share his feedback and then delivered it with care. He hit the ball out of the park and I’m hopeful we all do the same.

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Featured photo credit: Kenan Buhic via unsplash.com

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