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How to End Any Argument Immediately

How to End Any Argument Immediately

“You are an arrogant prick, and I can’t stand having to work with you!”

Not the best way to start an impromptu business meeting, but that’s what I got.

I was working for Dell as a sales rep—part of a three-person team chosen to manage a group of mid-sized business clients.  The guy yelling, we’ll call him Jeb (not his real name), was on the same team, and we disagreed on how we should be dealing with a particular customer. Normally, a disagreement about something sales-related is an easy problem to solve, unless the two people absolutely can’t stand each other.

Such was my case with this particular co-worker.

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As soon as the door to our small conference room closed, I was assaulted with a barrage of insults: my sales skills were terrible, my attitude was horrible, customers didn’t like me at all, and I was ruining everyone’s chances of hitting quota.

I knew these were mostly false charges.  I had been a sales trainer for 7 years and ended the last quarter as the #1 rep in my division.  I walked in every day with a smile and generally got along well with people.  Some new customers didn’t care for me very much, but some of the customers who didn’t like the previous rep liked me much more; not everyone connects with their sales rep.  We were exceeding our quota expectations and looked like we would hit it early.

In the split-second before I threw all of these brilliant facts in Jeb’s face, I made a fascinating, and long overdu, realization: pointing out how he was wrong about everything would simply lead us into another long and unfruitful argument, leaving us both angry and less productive. Instead, I found myself saying “You know, I’ve never really thought of it that way.  Can you explain it to me a little more?”

It took every ounce of will power and happy thoughts I had to say these words without clenching my teeth.  I smiled a genuine smile and listened politely.

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The results amazed me.

Jeb started pointing out exactly what I had done wrong with all of my interactions, explaining in great detail my many poor decisions and statements.  He gave sort of a musical quality to his speech, starting off high on tempo and excitement, fading down to low notes, then rising to new vocal heights as he really thought about what was pissing him off. Through it all, I looked him in the eye and didn’t say a word. After about three minutes, the speech changed.  He started saying things like “I know you don’t mean anything by…” and “I think you’re a good salesman, but with some of these customers, you rub them wrong when you say…”

Eventually, I went from “arrogant prick” to “new guy on the team still learning where he fits in.”  Granted, this wasn’t the best outcome I could have hoped for (Jeb deciding he was absolutely wrong and I had been right about everything) but it was a far cry better than what he and I usually left the conference room with. Since that fateful day, I’ve reused this exact sentence over and over, and the results are always the same: angry details followed by understanding, then a willingness to work together on the issue.

Why does this sentence work?

The answer is simple: you can’t argue with someone who doesn’t argue back.

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The moment you ask someone to clarify, and then let them talk, you are actually taking away their ability to argue with you.  The person can’t respond to “can you explain that a little more?” with “No!” without sounding and feeling like an idiot.  Even if they do, they will probably be embarrassed enough to leave the room anyway (which I suppose is another way to end the argument.)

There is a second, more powerful reason this technique is so effective: our natural desire for attention. One of the biggest reasons arguments get so out of hand is because each person is trying to be heard OVER the other person.  When we satisfy this desire, we tend to calm down.  We have no need to raise our voice if the other person is being calm.

Lastly, and the best reason why this technique works so well, is that you will actually look stronger and smarter after using it.  Weak and scared people always seek to defend themselves, while strong, confident people seek feedback and criticism in order to improve.  Whether it’s just the two of you, or a group of people watching, you will look cool and collected—always a good choice.

A final note: this technique only works if you respectfully listen to the other person and DO NOT interrupt.  Wait until they feel obligated to ask you for a response before speaking, and don’t sulk or get upset with the person talking; they are being honest with you and you should be grateful this conversation is happening in your presence instead of behind your back.

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Jeb and I never became friends.  He isn’t a bad guy, just someone with a very different view on a lot of things.  We WERE able to work together until I left the company, and we closed some pretty nice deals together—sometimes acceptance is all we can achieve, and that’s okay.

Now, let me ask you a question: what’s a situation in which you feel this technique wouldn’t work?  Please leave a comment below; I’d love to hear a little more about it.

Trent

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Last Updated on September 17, 2019

10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

10 Simple Ways To Always Think Positive Thoughts

Positive thinking can lead to a lot of positive change in your life. Developing an optimistic outlook can be good for both your physical and mental health.

But sometimes, certain situations arise in life that makes it hard to keep a positive outlook. Take steps to make positive thinking become more like your second nature and you’ll reap the biggest benefits.

Here are 10 ways to make thinking positive thoughts easy:

1. Spend Time with Positive People

If you surround yourself with constant complainers, their negativity is likely to rub off on you.

Spend time with positive friends and family members to increase the likelihood that their positive thinking habits will become yours too. It’s hard to be negative when everyone around you is so positive.

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2. Take Responsibility for Your Behavior

When you encounter problems and difficulties in life, don’t play the role of the victim. Acknowledge your role in the situation and take responsibility for your behavior.

Accepting responsibility can help you learn from mistakes and prevent you from blaming others unfairly.

3. Contribute to the Community

One of the best ways to feel good about what you have, is to focus on what you have to give.

Volunteer in some manner and give back to the community. Helping others can give you a new outlook on the world and can assist you with positive thinking.

4. Read Positive and Inspirational Materials

Spend time each day reading something that encourages positive thinking. Read the Bible, spiritual material, or inspirational quotes to help you focus on what’s important to you in life. It can be a great way to start and end your day.

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Some recommendations for you:

5. Recognize and Replace Negative Thoughts

You won’t be successful at positive thinking if you’re still plagued by frequent negative thoughts. Learn to recognize and replace thoughts that are overly negative. Often, thoughts that include words like “always” and “never” signal that they aren’t true.

If you find yourself thinking something such as, “I always mess everything up,” replace it with something more realistic such as, “Sometimes I make mistakes but I learn from them.”

There’s no need to make your thoughts unrealistically positive, but instead, make them more realistic.

6. Establish and Work Toward Goals

It’s easier to be positive about problems and setbacks when you have goals that you’re working toward. Goals will give you motivation to overcome those obstacles when you encounter problems along the way. Without clear goals, it’s harder to make decisions and gauge your progress.

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Learn to set SMART goals to help you achieve more.

7. Consider the Consequences of Negativity

Spend some time thinking about the consequences of negative thinking. Often, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For example, a person who thinks, “I probably won’t get this job interview,” may put less effort into the interview. As a result, he may decrease his chances of getting the job.

Create a list of all the ways negative thinking impacts your life. It likely influences your behavior, your relationships, and your feelings. Then, create a list of the ways in which positive thinking could be beneficial.

8. Offer Compliments to Others

Look for reasons to compliment others. Be genuine in your praise and compliments, but offer it frequently. This will help you look for the good in other people.

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9. Create a Daily Gratitude List

If you start keeping a daily gratitude list, you’ll start noticing exactly how much you have to be thankful for. This can help you focus on the positive in your life instead of thinking about all the bad things that have happened in the day.

Getting in the habit of showing an attitude of gratitude makes positive thinking more of a habit. Here’re 40 Simple Ways To Practice Gratitude.

10. Practice Self-Care

Take good care of yourself and you’ll be more equipped to think positively.

Get plenty of rest and exercise and practice managing your stress well. Taking care of your physical and mental health will provide you with more energy to focus on positive thinking.

Learn about these 30 Self-Care Habits for a Strong and Healthy Mind, Body and Spirit.

More About Staying Positive

Featured photo credit: DESIGNECOLOGIST via unsplash.com

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