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Empathic Listening is for Everyone’s Good

Empathic Listening is for Everyone’s Good

One of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People has got to be unpopular with the self-seeking, personal agenda of most of us these days. The habit is number five, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This principle is at the heart of empathic listening. Listening is essential to good communication that lets minds come together for the advancement of all.

The goal for those of us who want to get all we can out of life must include an interdependence with other people. If we think we are going to succeed at business, social life, or whatever without a meeting of minds with those around us, we are on a rough and lonely road. Not only that, when we have real communication going on, it is more likely that we can arrive at a win/win solution that makes everyone happy.

1. Realize our internal scripting. This is best done by getting to know ourselves through a bit of personality study. The four types originally identified by Hippocrates are a good place to start, but there are many other systems of personality theory. Seeking first to understand is complicated by our internal “scripting,” which is that personal perspective with which we approach everything.

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2. Be aware of the four wrong ways to respond and notice when we are doing them. They are probing, evaluating, advising, and interpreting. Probing is asking pointed questions to get the person to reveal more about what’s troubling them. Too often this is associated with one of the other self-centered response styles. For instance, we are just waiting for fuel for an interpretation or judgment we have already made.

3. Be careful about using mimicking techniques used by psychologists. It’s OK to repeat back what you hear someone say, but if you’re not with them emotionally, they will see right through you. A better method is to repeat back in your own words, with the emotional and physical facts included.

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4. Think win/win. When we feel we understand where the other person is coming from and what his or her needs are, we still have the job of making ourselves understood if we are to reach a point of agreement. Covey’s fourth habit is to “Think win/win.” Too often, we approach any sort of relationship communication problems from a competitive win/lose perspective. This attitude can display itself in one of two ways. We can have such a strong desire to win that we don’t care how we run over the other person. Or we can desire to avoid conflict so that we willingly lose.

5. Develop an abundance mentality. Win/win means both parties come out feeling like winners. This is a wonderful positive way to look at life which is closely related to our gut belief that there is enough to go around. Covey calls this the “Abundance Mentality” and contrasts it with a “Scarcity Mentality” which is far more common. Having an abundance mentality means we truly believe that we can win and they can win at the same time because there is plenty of whatever we both want (money, time, etc.) to meet everyone’s needs. A scarcity mentality means we have to fight it out because there won’t be enough for us both.

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Life is enriched by positive relationships with friends and business associates, but all too often we upset the peace because we don’t take the time to listen emphatically. We tend to put our own need to be understood first, but this often results in a breakdown in communication we later regret.

References:
Covey, Stephen. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

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Littaur, Florence. Personality Plus: How to Understand Others by Understanding Yourself.

Kiersey, David and Bates, Marilyn. Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types

Barbara Wood is a writer and educator living with her family in the Missouri Ozarks.

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Last Updated on May 17, 2019

This Is What Happens When You Move Out Of the Comfort Zone

This Is What Happens When You Move Out Of the Comfort Zone

The pursuit of worthwhile goals is a part of what makes life enjoyable. Being able to set a goal, then see yourself progress towards achieving that goal is an amazing feeling.

But do you know the biggest obstacle for most people trying to achieve their goals, the silent dream killer that stops people before they ever even get started? That obstacle is the comfort zone, and getting stuck there is bound to derail any efforts you make towards achieving the goals you’ve set for yourself.

If you want to achieve those goals, you’ll have to break free from your comfort zone. Let’s take a look at how your life will change once you build up the courage to leave your comfort zone.

What Is the Comfort Zone?

The comfort zone is defined as “a behavioural state within which a person operates in an anxiety-neutral condition, using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance.”

What stands out to me the most about that definition is the last part: “using a limited set of behaviours to deliver a steady level of performance.” How many successful people do you know who deliver a steady level of performance?

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The goal in life is to continually challenge yourself, and continually improve yourself. And in order to do that, you have move out of your comfort zone. But once you do, your life will start to change in ways you could never have imagined. I know because it’s happening right now in my own life.

Here’s what I’ve learned.

1. You will be scared

Leaving your comfort zone isn’t easy. In fact, in can be downright terrifying at times, and that’s okay. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little trepidation when you’re embarking on a journey that forces you to try new things.

So don’t freak out or get overwhelmed when you feel yourself getting a little scared. It’s perfectly normal and all part of the process. What’s important is that you don’t let that fear hold you back. You must continue to take action in the face of fear.

That’s what separates winners from losers.

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2. You will fail

Stepping out of your comfort zone means you’re moving into uncharted territory. You’re trying things that you’ve never tried before, and learning things you’ve never learned before.

That steep learning curve means you’re not going to get everything right the first time, and you will eventually fail when you move out of your comfort zone. But as long as the failures aren’t catastrophic, it can actually be a good thing to fail because …

3. You will learn

Failure is the best teacher. I’ve learned more from each one of my failures than I have from each one of my successes. When you fail small, and fail often, you rapidly increase the rate at which you learn new insights and skills. And that new knowledge, if applied correctly, will eventually lead to your success.

4. You will see yourself in a different way

Once you move out of your comfort zone, you immediately prove to yourself that you’re capable of achieving more than you thought was possible. And that will change the way you see yourself.

Moving forward, you’ll have more confidence in yourself whenever you step out of your comfort zone, and that increased confidence will make it more likely that you continue to step outside your comfort zone. And each time you do, you’ll prove to yourself again and again what you’re really capable of.

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5. Your peers will see you in a different way

Whether we want to admit or not, people judge other people. And right now, people view you in a certain way, and they have a certain idea of what you’re capable of. That’s because they’ve become accustomed to seeing you operate in your comfort zone.

But once you move out of your comfort zone, you’ll prove to other people, as well, that you’re capable of much more than you’ve shown in the past.

The increased confidence other people place in you will bring about more opportunities than ever before.

6. Your comfort zone will expand

The good thing about the comfort zone is that it’s flexible and malleable. With each action you take outside of your comfort zone, it expands. And once you master that new skill or action, it eventually becomes part of your comfort zone.

This is great news for you because it means that you can constantly increase and improve upon the behaviors that you’re comfortable with. And the more tools and skills you have at your disposal, the easier it will be to achieve your goals.

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7. You will increase your concentration and focus

When you’re living inside of your comfort zone, the bulk of your actions are habitual: automatic, subconscious, and requiring limited focus.

But once you move out of your comfort zone, you no longer rely on those habitual responses. You’re forced to concentrate and focus on the new action in a way you never do in your comfort zone.

8. You will develop new skills

Moving out of your comfort zone requires that you develop new skills. One of the many benefits you’ll experience is that you’ll be stepping away from the “limited set of behaviors” and start to develop your ability and expertise in new areas.

Living inside of your comfort zone only requires a limited skill set, and those skills won’t contribute much to your success. Once you can confidently step outside of your comfort zone and learn a new skill, there’s no limit to how much you can achieve.

9. You will achieve more than before

With everything that happens once you move out of your comfort zone, you’re naturally going to achieve more than ever before.

Your increased concentration and focus will help you develop new skills. Those new skills will change the way you see yourself, encouraging you to step even further out of your comfort zone.

Featured photo credit: Josef Grunig via farm3.staticflickr.com

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