Many loving relationships turn sour just because of the fact that acrimonious words are said during outbursts of anger. This does not mean that the couple does not love each other. These angry exchanges result from differing motives, varied interests and philosophies. But if you truly want to try and make things better between the two of you, there are some solutions that you can try. Neither of these solutions is all-encompassing. No human relationship is identical and what may work for one pair may not work with another couple. Additionally, for some, combinations of these may work best.
Try and listen – Many couples stop actually listening to the other person after spending some initial time together. This can be disastrous to a relationship. A relationship requires sharing information, desires, ideas and frustrations. Giving a quite ear to listen will not only ensure a catharsis for your partner but will also give you an insight into the dynamic and changing personality of your spouse. Even during an angry outburst amidst being insulted, blamed and insinuations, maintain a calm demeanor. Have a rule that says that only one person can have an outburst at one time. Ignore the thoughts, rationalizations and excuses that come to your mind while you are being lambasted.
Introspection – Look deep inside and think whether certain actions of yours have caused a flare up in your spouse. You may have done something or said something inadvertently that resulted in aggressive behavior. If you really know your spouse then you will definitely be able think of the reasons behind a specific fight or argument.
Do not be judgmental – Do not regard the thoughts and feelings of your spouse as trivial and unworthy of attention. You may not be able to empathize with what your spouse is going through but you need to appreciate that he or she is a different individual and may have different emotional triggers. Trivializing the issue at hand can make matters worse since it is seen as belittling. If you cannot try and understand why your partner is feeling in a certain manner the least you can do is to not say counter-productive remarks like ‘you should not feel like this’.
Take time off – Decide to not speak to each other for a period of time if an argument is becoming too heated. If you feel the anger swelling up inside you due to something that was said, tell your partner that you will not converse till a more pleasant manner is assumed. Let it be known that you cannot tolerate being spoken down to, humiliated and belittled by blames and accusations.
Just stop – If both of you are having issues with dealing wit anger, decide a signal or a code that you will use when the temperature begins to rise. This should be respected at all times and irrespective of anything. At times like this both of you need to back off, try and let out steam and calm yourself before talking again.
Vishal P. Rao shares his insights and tips on holistic living at Relishing Life.