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9 Surefire Ways to Can Conflict Before Everything Hits the Fan

9 Surefire Ways to Can Conflict Before Everything Hits the Fan

You know the drill: you and your mate have a disagreement, you get triggered, and before you know it you’re in a full-blown battle.  Your heart’s pounding, words are flying, you’re trying to defend yourself and you feel totally misunderstood by the person you love.

conflict cannot survive without your participation

    It really shouldn’t be this way. The question is, how do you work through and resolve an issue before everything hits the fan? It’s really pretty easy if you learn to watch your triggers, slow things down, and remember you love the person you’re having a conflict with.

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    Here are some first steps to make it happen:

    #1 Know your triggers

    Everything is easy to control on the front end—that’s why you have to pay attention to your triggers. Triggers are what set you off and cause things to quickly spin out of control. Before you come back with a less than Christ-like response to your loved one during an argument, you’ll want to pay attention to your tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. 

    #2 Take a deep breath

    Deep breathing has a calming effect on the central nervous system. Men are especially prone to being flooded by strong emotions during an argument, so taking a few deep-relaxing breaths during a conflict can help calm things down.

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    #3 Slow it down

    When emotions are hot we often say things we don’t mean, which is why it’s important to slow things down during conflict. Taking a time-out is a great way to collect your thoughts and re-engage later when you have a better perspective on things. Don’t be afraid to ask your spouse for a time out, but agree together when you will come back and revisit the issue, as just walking away can send the message that you don’t care.

    #4 Be willing to listen

    Most of us suck at listening. We think we’re doing a great job, but in reality we’re so busy trying to frame our own argument that we fail to really listen to the other person’s heart. Listening means looking at the other person and hearing their concerns, and not interrupting until that person is finished talking. It also means reflecting back what that person has said to make sure that they have been completely understood. After that, it’s your turn to talk.

    #5 Practice empathy

    Take the time to cultivate love, empathy, sympathy and compassion toward others, as these virtues will help you understand your mate better. If you can put yourself in another person’s shoes when conflict arises, it will help you listen better and reach a compromise quicker.

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    #6 Surrender your rights

    When we’re in conflict with another person, we hold tightly to our rights to be understood. We also want to win the argument and drive our point home. Be willing to surrender your right to be understood and be willing to walk in humility: doing so can change the entire course of the disagreement.

    #7 Memorize this

    Here are nine power-packed words that will help can conflict; commit them to memory. “I’m sorry. I was wrong. Please forgive me.Use them generously.

    Make a repair attempt

    When emotions are heated, the last thing we want to do is move toward our mate, but that’s exactly what we need to do. A repair attempt is something we do to re-connect. Remember to use “I” statements to talk to your partner, rather than “you” statements: instead of saying “you hurt me when…” for example, switch it to “I feel hurt when you…but I want to resolve this together because I love you”. This deflects any blame from them, and encourages their empathy towards you.

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    Don’t play the blame game

    Most of us are quick to drag past offenses into the present situation; don’t do it. Stick to the issue at hand. Blaming your mate won’t get you anywhere and will only serve to ramp up the other person’s defenses. Instead, try practicing humility, which will turn things around quickly.

    Conflict is unavoidable in life, and can actually be beneficial if you approach it with the right attitude because it gives you a chance to get a window into your partner’s soul. It can also open the door to personal growth and maturity if you’re willing to implement the strategies mentioned above.

    Remember, at the end of the day it’s not always about being right, it’s about being attuned to the person you love.

    Back at you: How do you find yourself handling conflict? What has worked and what hasn’t?

     

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    Rita Schulte LPC

    Licensed Professional Counselor

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    Last Updated on January 21, 2020

    How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

    How to Motivate People Around You and Inspire Them

    If I was a super hero I’d want my super power to be the ability to motivate everyone around me. Think of how many problems you could solve just by being able to motivate people towards their goals. You wouldn’t be frustrated by lazy co-workers. You wouldn’t be mad at your partner for wasting the weekend in front of the TV. Also, the more people around you are motivated toward their dreams, the more you can capitalize off their successes.

    Being able to motivate people is key to your success at work, at home, and in the future because no one can achieve anything alone. We all need the help of others.

    So, how to motivate people? Here are 7 ways to motivate others even you can do.

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    1. Listen

    Most people start out trying to motivate someone by giving them a lengthy speech, but this rarely works because motivation has to start inside others. The best way to motivate others is to start by listening to what they want to do. Find out what the person’s goals and dreams are. If it’s something you want to encourage, then continue through these steps.

    2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

    Open-ended questions are the best way to figure out what someone’s dreams are. If you can’t think of anything to ask, start with, “What have you always wanted to do?”

    “Why do you want to do that?”

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    “What makes you so excited about it?”

    “How long has that been your dream?”

    You need this information the help you with the following steps.

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    3. Encourage

    This is the most important step, because starting a dream is scary. People are so scared they will fail or look stupid, many never try to reach their goals, so this is where you come in. You must encourage them. Say things like, “I think you will be great at that.” Better yet, say, “I think your skills in X will help you succeed.” For example if you have a friend who wants to own a pet store, say, “You are so great with animals, I think you will be excellent at running a pet store.”

    4. Ask About What the First Step Will Be

    After you’ve encouraged them, find how they will start. If they don’t know, you can make suggestions, but it’s better to let the person figure out the first step themselves so they can be committed to the process.

    5. Dream

    This is the most fun step, because you can dream about success. Say things like, “Wouldn’t it be cool if your business took off, and you didn’t have to work at that job you hate?” By allowing others to dream, you solidify the motivation in place and connect their dreams to a future reality.

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    6. Ask How You Can Help

    Most of the time, others won’t need anything from you, but it’s always good to offer. Just letting the person know you’re there will help motivate them to start. And, who knows, maybe your skills can help.

    7. Follow Up

    Periodically, over the course of the next year, ask them how their goal is going. This way you can find out what progress has been made. You may need to do the seven steps again, or they may need motivation in another area of their life.

    Final Thoughts

    By following these seven steps, you’ll be able to encourage the people around you to achieve their dreams and goals. In return, you’ll be more passionate about getting to your goals, you’ll be surrounded by successful people, and others will want to help you reach your dreams …

    Oh, and you’ll become a motivational super hero. Time to get a cape!

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    Featured photo credit: Thought Catalog via unsplash.com

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