“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
– Jim Rohn
Most of us have at least one friend we consider toxic: the loser friend who disrupts our entire world the second they step into it. We know things would be so much easier if we cut them loose, yet we spend more time figuring out why we stay than it would take to actually leave.
Why You Have Loser Friends
The truth is, it happens for a multitude of reasons:Advertising
- You’ve been friends with them since you were kids.
- You know them so well you’re constantly justifying their behavior.
- You feel guilty because they don’t have anyone else to turn to.
- You feel obligated to spend time with them because they’re a mutual friend of your BFF/spouse/family member.
- You’re afraid of how they’ll react if you confront them (a.k.a. more drama).
- You feel it’s easier to deal with them than disrupt your hectic lifestyle any further.
Usually though, it’s a simple case of outgrowing each other. What caused you to “click” initially as friends no longer applies, or your lives are going in completely different directions.
I felt this way about several people I used to spend time with: they were going nowhere fast, had no goals, no ambition, and their only focus was their next self-destructive adventure. I’ve always had huge goals for myself, and these were being diminished by the company I kept for the variety of reasons above.
What Constitutes a Loser Friend?
When I use the term “loser friend,” I don’t mean they themselves are losers—everyone is entitled to live their life exactly how they want to—but what they’re doing to your life is causing you to lose what you want… and you’re letting it happen.Advertising
If you have friends who do any of the following, you need to seriously consider their place in your life:
- They’re not supportive.
- They’re not there when you need them.
- They’re only there when they need you.
- They make you feel drained.
- They have no ambition.
- They constantly infuriate you.
- They expect you to drop everything when they want to do something.
- They think everything is an urgent crisis.
Take it from someone who watched her own life implode: if you want to be amazing, you have to spend your time with amazing people. In order to make room for these people, you have to leave your loser friends behind.
Why You Should Leave Your Loser Friends Behind
It’s not going to be easy, but letting them go is a necessary part of creating the life you’ve always wanted for yourself. Otherwise:Advertising
1. They’ll hold you back from your full potential.
The biggest thing I learned from my experience with friends like these is that you’ll never live up to your full potential if you’re constantly weighed down by unnecessary drama and complication. In order to succeed, you need a solid routine and a strong support system. Consider your loser friends the loose floorboard in that support system, constantly distracting you from your goals.
2. They’ll make you feel like crap about yourself.
When they want you to do something you don’t want to do, they’ll constantly nag you and make you feel guilty about being who you are until you cave to their demands. It’s an incessant, vicious cycle that won’t end until you put a stop to it. If you don’t, get ready for a wide array of self-esteem issues.
3. They’ll negatively impact your reputation.
Even though you were guilted into going to that party and became your sloppy friend’s crutch, the dream employer you’ve wanted to work with since you were in public school isn’t going to know that when they’re checking out the horrific pictures you’re tagged in on Facebook.Advertising
More than that, if you’re this easily influenced in your personal life, they’re going to assume you won’t be able to hack it in a professional setting.
4. They’ll bring out the worst in you.
You know all of those bad habits you’re trying to break? Your loser friends will make it so difficult for you to build good habits you’ll constantly crack under the pressure and eventually give up on the concept entirely. After all, if you change for the better, your relationship with them will change for the worse, and will work against what they need from you.
5. They’ll dim the good things in your life.
You’ll be so focused on their drama, needs, and wants, the stress of your friendship will cause you to lose focus on the aspects of your life that are going well. Simply put, negativity breeds negativity—is this really how you want your life to be?
So what are you waiting for? Leave drama to the circus and live your life exactly how you want to, with who you want to. If you don’t decide to do so now, your loser friends will decide for you.
How have loser friends impacted your life? How did you handle it?
Last Updated on May 22, 2020
What Makes a Good Leader: 9 Critical Leadership Qualities
The word “leader” makes you think of people in charge, high-ranking people: your boss, politicians, presidents, CEOs…
But leadership really isn’t about a particular position or a person’s seniority. Just because someone has worked for many years doesn’t mean s/he has gained the qualities and skills to lead a team.
Getting promoted to a managerial position doesn’t automatically turn you into a leader either. CEOs and other high-ranking officials don’t always have great leadership skills.
So what makes a good leader? What are the characteristics of a leader?
Good leadership is about acquiring and honing specific skills. Leadership skills enable you to be a role model for a team in any environment. With great leadership qualities, successful leaders come in all shapes and sizes: in the home, at school, or in the workplace.
The following are some of the many characteristics great leaders exhibit.
1. A Positive Attitude
Great leaders know that they won’t have a happy and motivated team unless they themselves exhibit a positive attitude. This can be done by remaining positive when things go wrong and by creating a relaxed and happy atmosphere in the workplace.
Even some simple things like providing snacks or organizing a team Happy Hour can make a world of difference. An added perk is that team members are likely to work harder and do overtime when needed if they’re happy and appreciated.
Even in the worst situations, such as experiencing low team morale or team members having made a big mistake at work, a great leader stays positive and figures out ways to keep the team motivated to solve the problems.
Walt Disney had his share of hardships and challenges, and like any great leader, he managed to stay positive and find new opportunities. In 1928, Disney found that his film producer, Charles Mintz, wanted to reduce his payments for the Oswald series. Mintz threatened to cut ties entirely if Disney didn’t accept his terms, and Disney chose to part ways. But in leaving Oswald, Disney decided to create something new: the iconic Mickey Mouse.
The key is to break down huge challenges into smaller ones and find ways to tackle them one by one.
Think about the lessons you can learn from the mistake and jot them down because sometimes you win, and sometimes you learn.
All great leaders have to exhibit an air of confidence if they’re going to succeed. Please don’t confuse this with self-satisfaction and arrogance. You want people to look up to you for inspiration, not so they can punch you in the face.
Confidence is important because people will be looking to you on how to behave, particularly if things aren’t going 100% right. If you remain calm and poised, team members are far more likely to as well. As a result, morale and productivity will remain high, and the problem will be solved more quickly.
If you panic and give up, they will know immediately and things will simply go downhill from there.
Elon Musk is a great example of a leader with confidence. He truly believes that Tesla will be successful, which he has shown many times through his actions. He converted 532,000 stock options at $6.63 each, their value on Dec. 4, 2009, before Tesla went public. It was a hefty bargain considering Tesla’s stock price stood at around $195 per share at that time. He doesn’t apologize for his beliefs and has drawn fire from just about everyone for his political actions.
You can’t instantly become a very confident person, but all the small things you do every day will gradually make you more confident:
- List 5 things you like about yourself every day (something different every day), and you’ll appreciate yourself more.
- Work on your strengths and do your best to enhance them.
3. A Sense of Humor
It’s imperative for any kind of leader to have a sense of humor, particularly when things go wrong. And they will.
Your team members are going to be looking to you for how to react in a seemingly dire situation. It would probably be best if you weren’t stringing up a noose for yourself in the corner. You need to be able to laugh things off because if staff morale goes down, so will productivity.
Establish this environment prior to any kind of meltdown by encouraging humor and personal discussions in the workplace.
As a president, Barack Obama exuded confidence and calm during stressful situations. But he was also known for his “dad jokes,” his genuinely funny speeches at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and appearing on Zack Galifianakis’s Between Two Ferns. Obama’s sense of humor made him grounded, realistic, and honest, which no doubt helped during some tense moments in the White House!
Learn to laugh at yourself. Confident people laugh about their own silly mistakes, and when you do this, others will also trust you more because you’re willing to share your experiences.
Be observant and learn from the jokes others make. You can also get a lot of inspiration from the internet.
4. Ability to Embrace Failure
No matter how hard you try to avoid it, failures will happen; that’s okay. You just need to know how to deal with them.
Great leaders take them in strides. They remain calm and logically think through the situation and utilize their resources. What they don’t do is fall apart and reveal to their team how worried they are, which leads to negative morale, fear, and binge-drinking under desks.
Great leaders do, in fact, lead, even when they’re faced with setbacks.
Henry Ford experienced a major setback after designing and improving the Ford Quadricycle. He founded the Detroit Automobile Company in 1899, but the resulting cars they produced did not live up to his standards and were too expensive. The company dissolved in 1901. Ford took this in stride and formed the Henry Ford Company. The sales were slow and the company had financial problems; it wasn’t until 1903 that the Ford Motor Company was successful and put the Ford on the map.
Get to the root cause of any problem so you can prevent it from happening again and learn from the mistake.
By asking “why” 5 times (or more) on why something happened, you can find out the key factor that caused the problem and can find the best solution to tackle the problem.
You’ll also learn how to prevent this from happening again in the future after finding out a problem’s root cause.
5. Careful Listening and Feedback
This is far more complex than it actually sounds. Good communication skills are essential for a great leader. You may very well understand the cave of crazy that is your brain, but that doesn’t mean that you can adequately take the ideas out of it and explain them to someone else.
The best leaders need to be able to communicate clearly with the people around them. They also need to be able to interpret other people properly and not take what they say personally.
The Dalai Lama, as a symbol of the unification of the state of Tibet, represents and practices Buddhist values. The Dalai Lama’s leadership is benevolent and aims toward truth and understanding, alongside the other Buddhist precepts. This is a great example for all leaders: if you want to give good directions to others, you have to get feedback from others to understand the situation properly.
Encourage communication between team members and establish an open door policy.
Practice not interrupting team members when they’re talking. Instead, summarize what they say and ask for feedback after you have talked about your ideas.
6. Knowing How and When to Delegate
No matter how much you might want to, you can’t actually do everything yourself. Even if you could, in a team environment that would be a terrible idea anyway.
Good leaders recognize that delegation does more than simply alleviate their own stress levels (although that’s obviously a nice perk). Delegating to others shows that you have confidence in their abilities, which subsequently results in higher morale in the workplace, as well as loyalty from your staff. They want to feel appreciated and trusted.
Although Steve Jobs was known for focusing in on the smallest of details, he knew how to delegate. By finding, cultivating, and trusting capable team members, Jobs was able to make Apple run smoothly, even when he had to be absent for extended periods of time.
To know when and how to delegate work to team members, you have to be very familiar with each of them:
- List out all of their strengths, weaknesses, and personalities.
- Talk with your team members more to know about their passion and interests.
Take a look at this guide and learn more about delegation: How to Delegate Work Effectively (The Definitive Guide for Leaders)
7. Growth Mindset
Any good leader knows how important it is to develop the skills of those around them. The best can recognize those skills early on. Not only will development make work easier as they improve and grow, it will also foster morale. In addition, they may develop some skills that you don’t possess that will be beneficial to the workplace.
Great leaders share their knowledge with the team and give them the opportunity to achieve. This is how leaders gain their respect and loyalty.
Pope Francis has been unusually popular with many Catholics and many non-Catholics. His position isn’t totally traditional, which is part of his appeal, but he also has admirable leadership skills. Pope Francis’s TED talk drew attention because he encouraged leaders to be humble and to demonstrate solidarity with others. This inclusive, kind, and respectful style of leadership is incredibly important for any situation.
It’s important to spend time talking with other team members individually to understand them.
Find out team members’ current challenges and try to give feedback and encouragement so they will grow and do better.
Great leaders know that when it comes to their company, work place or whatever situation they’re in, they need to take personal responsibility for failure. How can they expect employees to hold themselves accountable if they themselves don’t?
The best leaders don’t make excuses; they take the blame and then work out how to fix the problem as soon as possible. This proves that they’re trustworthy and possess integrity.
Howard Gillman is the chancellor of UC Irvine. You might have heard of how the university rescinded a bunch of acceptances, and then changed its mind, This past spring, an unusually high number of accepted students decided to matriculate; the school initially responded by rescinding offers over things like missed deadlines. But the college realized this was a mistake and reversed its decision. Gillman and the university accepted responsibility and decided to move past their earlier bad decision.
Always ask yourself what you can do better or what you should change. Take responsibility and think about what you can do better to prevent this from happening next time.
9. A Desire to Learn
It’s safe to say that all great leaders will have to enter unchartered waters at some point during their career. Because of this, they have to be able to trust their intuition and draw on past experiences to guide them.
Great leaders know that there’s always something to learn from everything they have experienced before. They are able to connect the present challenges with the lessons learned in the past to make decisions and take actions promptly.
You can either recall what you’ve learned from your memories or search your notes (ideally, a software that you can access anywhere with things well-organized).
Warren Buffett, one of the richest people in the world, has mostly made the right calls. But in dealing with huge amounts of money, Buffett has also made several multi-million (and sometimes multi-billion) dollar mistakes. He has stated that buying the company Berkshire Hathaway was his biggest mistake. From that poor choice, he realized that it was unwise to pursue “improvements” and “expansions” in the existing textile industry. Despite mistakes like this, Buffett has invested wisely, and it shows.
To effectively learn from the past, write down lessons you’ve learned from any mistakes you’ve made. Have all the lessons well organized, and when similar things happen again in future, take these lessons as references.
The Bottom Line
Leadership traits are learnable. If you practice consistently, you can be a great leader, too.
Make small changes to your habits when you work with your team, wherever that may be. Most of us aren’t presidents or CEOs, but we all work with other people, and our actions always impact others. This gives every person the chance to develop leadership skills and to stand out from the crowd.
More Tips on Leadership
- Leadership vs Management: Is One Better Than the Other?
- Why Leadership and Management Are Two Sides of a Coin
- 15 Best Leadership Books Every Leader Must Read To Achieve Success
Featured photo credit: Markus Spiske via unsplash.com
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