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16 Tips to Survive Brutal Criticism (and Ask for More)

16 Tips to Survive Brutal Criticism (and Ask for More)
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    “You suck.”

    Everyone encounters criticism, whether it is a boss pointing out falling performance, a bad review for your book, or even self-criticism after an embarrassing slip-up. Your ability to digest that criticism and make use of it says a lot about your character. Even better is to be the kind of person who can take a sharp, verbal critique, stand up and ask for more.

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    People are Too Nice

    Most people won’t tell you what they think of you. And if they do want to slide you some honesty, it is usually wrapped in a sugar coating. Why then, with our compulsion to smooth the truth, does it hurt to be on the back end of an honest opinion?

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    I believe it is because most of us have shied away from getting honesty our whole lives. As a result, we haven’t trained the ability to recognize that a criticism of our behaviors, results or efforts isn’t a criticism of ourselves. Once you train yourself to notice the separation, you can start using any criticism thrown your way and actively seek more of it.

    Honesty is a Good Thing, Here’s How to Survive It

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    Here are some tips for surviving the floods of good intentions that might crash upon your ego:

    1. Balance Yourself – The salience effect is a cognitive bias where we tend to focus on the most recent or memorable piece of information, ignoring the collective. Whenever you get a piece of criticism, you need to balance it by recognizing that this is just one tiny critique out of all feedback. Don’t exaggerate it’s impact on who you are.
    2. Get Them to Focus on Behavior – If you are in the middle of an evaluation, try directing the person onto your specific behaviors, not you. Tell them you are interested in hearing their suggestions and ask for positive ideas for improving your methods.
    3. There is No Absolute Feedback – Part of the sting comes from converting feedback, which is entirely relative, into absolutes. If someone told a stand-up comedian he wasn’t funny after a show, that would probably mean he wasn’t as funny as other comedians that person likes. It doesn’t mean he is objectively, the most unfunny person who ever existed.
    4. It’s Opinion, Not Fact – The only benefit of feedback is if it illuminates weaknesses or strengths you suspected but hadn’t realized. You always have the option to disagree with criticism.
    5. Don’t Ask for Honesty When You Want Support – Don’t ask people for honest feedback if you plan to tune out anything but praise. Notice your internal state when you want feedback. Do you want help or validation? Get clear, otherwise you might get an unexpected critique.
    6. Flip it to Positive – Guide the person towards making suggestions for improvement rather than pointing out flaws. It’s easier to hear: “You should try slowing when you deliver a speech,” rather than, “I couldn’t understand anything you said!”
    7. Don’t Argue – I once saw on a famous speaker’s blog comments a verbal insult from someone. The speaker responded by continuing the attack and redirecting it at his assailant. I felt this showed a lack of maturity by bringing himself down to the level of the man who insulted him. You’ll look more secure and confident if you can redirect and brush aside criticism than if you engage in an argument.
    8. Train Your Ego – My suggestion is to actively run towards as much harsh criticism as you can. It will desensitize you to the bite of one particular comment and give you the ability to see yourself more fairly.

    Now that you have some pain-killers for the attack, here’s how to ask for more:

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    1. Say Thanks – Some companies pay consultants millions of dollars to come by and show them how they are doing a bad job. At least some people will do it for free. Thank them so you don’t have to pay heavy consultant bills later.
    2. Honesty Policy – Develop a policy for honesty where you encourage people who give you honest feedback. I’ve wrote about this topic several times on my blog, and I’ve gotten many suggestions from readers who prefaced their ideas with, “I’m saying this because I know you won’t take it personally.” How many ideas would I have lost if I hadn’t created an honesty policy?
    3. Don’t Justify – In the face of criticism, you might feel the urge to explain or justify yourself. My advice is to avoid it unless it is specifically asked from you. The reason is that justification not only admits your insecurity, but it makes the other person think you aren’t listening.
    4. Experiment with Embarrassment – If you aren’t making a fool of yourself routinely, you probably aren’t being ambitious enough. Take criticism as a sign that you are experimenting regularly.
    5. Give People the Sugar – Give people the sugar-coating, so they can give the honest suggestions. Frame questions so they can deliver feedback in a non-offensive manner. “What could I have most improved?” “If you had to say something, what did you like least?”
    6. Be Positive – If someone criticizes, translate them into positive suggestions and discuss it with them. The translation informs the person that you have a thick-skin and are using the advice.
    7. “Thanks, I’ll think about that.” – Five words to end the conversation and give yourself time to process any particularly crushing information. This keeps you from starting an argument with a person which can only defeat an honesty policy.
    8. “I Understand, But Disagree.” – Those four words are your only comeback. I’ve had people tell me I should stop writing, speaking or change something I felt strongly about. Calmly stating those four words shows the person that it isn’t a topic of discussion, but shows everyone else that you are open to all suggestions.

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    Scott H Young

    Scott is obsessed with personal development. For the last ten years, he's been experimenting to find out how to learn and think better.

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    Last Updated on December 10, 2019

    5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

    5 Smart Reasons to Start Journal Writing Today

    Here’s the truth: your effectiveness at life is not what it could be. You’re missing out.

    Each day passes by and you have nothing to prove that it even happened. Did you achieve something? Go on a date? Have an emotional breakthrough? Who knows?

    But what you do know is that you don’t want to make the same mistakes that you’ve made in the past.

    Our lives are full of hidden gems of knowledge and insight, and the most recent events in our lives contain the most useful gems of all. Do you know why? It’s simple, those hidden lessons are the most up to date, meaning they have the largest impact on what we’re doing right now.

    But the question is, how do you get those lessons? There’s a simple way to do it, and it doesn’t involve time machines:

    Journal writing.

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    Improved mental clarity, the ability to see our lives in the big picture, as well as serving as a piece of evidence cataloguing every success we’ve ever had; we are provided all of the above and more by doing some journal writing.

    Journal writing is a useful and flexible tool to help shed light on achieving your goals.

    Here’s 5 smart reasons why you should do journal writing:

    1. Journals Help You Have a Better Connection with Your Values, Emotions, and Goals

    By journaling about what you believe in, why you believe it, how you feel, and what your goals are, you understand your relationships with these things better. This is because you must sort through the mental clutter and provide details on why you do what you do and feel what you feel.

    Consider this:

    Perhaps you’ve spent the last year or so working at a job you don’t like. It would be easy to just suck it up and keep working with your head down, going on as if it’s supposed to be normal to not like your job. Nobody else is complaining, so why should you, right?

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    But a little journal writing will set things straight for you. You don’t like your job. You feel like it’s robbing you of happiness and satisfaction, and you don’t see yourself better there in the future.

    The other workers? Maybe they don’t know, maybe they don’t care. But you do, you know and care enough to do something about it. And you’re capable of fixing this problem because your journal writing allows you to finally be honest with yourself about it.

    2. Journals Improve Mental Clarity and Help Improve Your Focus

    If there’s one thing journal writing is good for, it’s clearing the mental clutter.

    How does it work? Simply, whenever you have a problem and write about it in a journal, you transfer the problem from your head to the paper. This empties the mind, allowing allocation of precious resources to problem-solving rather than problem-storing.

    Let’s say you’ve been juggling several tasks at work. You’ve got data entry, testing, e-mails, problems with the boss, and so on—enough to overwhelm you—but as you start journal writing, things become clearer and easier to understand: Data entry can actually wait till Thursday; Bill kindly offered earlier to do my testing; For e-mails, I can check them now; the boss is just upset because Becky called in sick, etc.

    You become better able to focus and reason your tasks out, and this is an indispensable and useful skill to have.

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    3. Journals Improve Insight and Understanding

    As a positive consequence of improving your mental clarity, you become more open to insights you may have missed before. As you write your notes out, you’re essentially having a dialogue with yourself. This draws out insights that you would have missed otherwise; it’s almost as if two people are working together to better understand each other. This kind of insight is only available to the person who has taken the time to connect with and understand themselves in the form of writing.

    Once you’ve gotten a few entries written down, new insights can be gleaned from reading over them. What themes do you see in your life? Do you keep switching goals halfway through? Are you constantly dating the same type of people who aren’t good for you? Have you slowly but surely pushed people out of your life for fear of being hurt?

    All of these questions can be answered by simply self-reflecting, but you can only discover the answers if you’ve captured them in writing. These questions are going to be tough to answer without a journal of your actions and experiences.

    4. Journals Track Your Overall Development

    Life happens, and it can happen fast. Sometimes we don’t take the time to stop and look around at what’s happening to us at each moment. We don’t get to see the step-by-step progress that we’re making in our own lives. So what happens? One day it’s the future, and you have no idea how you’ve gotten there.

    Journal writing allows you to see how you’ve changed over time, so you can see where you did things right, and you can see where you took a misstep and fell.

    The great thing about journals is that you’ll know what that misstep was, and you can make sure it doesn’t happen again—all because you made sure to log it, allowing yourself to learn from your mistakes.

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    5. Journals Facilitate Personal Growth

    The best thing about journal writing is that no matter what you end up writing about, it’s hard to not grow from it. You can’t just look at a past entry in which you acted shamefully and say “that was dumb, anyway!” No, we say “I will never make a dumb choice like that again!”

    It’s impossible not to grow when it comes to journal writing. That’s what makes journal writing such a powerful tool, whether it’s about achieving goals, becoming a better person, or just general personal-development. No matter what you use it for, you’ll eventually see yourself growing as a person.

    Kickstart Journaling

    How can journaling best be of use to you? To vent your emotions? To help achieve your goals? To help clear your mind? What do you think makes journaling such a useful life skill?

    Know the answer? Then it’s about time you reap the benefits of journal writing and start putting pen to paper.

    Here’s what you can do to start journaling:

    Featured photo credit: Jealous Weekends via unsplash.com

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