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10 Things You Should Do Right Now If You’ve Been Diagnosed With Cancer

10 Things You Should Do Right Now If You’ve Been Diagnosed With Cancer

“You have cancer.”

Together, these are three of the scariest words you’ll ever hear, but take it from someone who’s been there — 51% of your recovery will be determined by your attitude: your attitude towards your diagnosis, your attitude towards your treatment team, and your attitude towards your recovery. That being said, here are the first ten things you should do if you’ve been diagnosed with cancer.

1. Don’t Panic.

Douglas Adams had it right. Yes, your world as you know it is about to end, but look at what happened to Luke Skywalker, Cheryl Strayed, and Ron Woodroof. Look at Mohandas Gandhi, who had to die so that Mahatma Gandhi could be born. You are taking the first step in a journey, that’s all. It may be a quick journey; it may be a long journey, but there’s no need to panic, because you’re not that far along, right? You’ve barely begun, so there’s no need to panic. Take a deep breath, and don’t assume the worst. The energy and courage you will need on this journey will only be eroded by needless worry about things you don’t know yet, so again: try not to work yourself into a tizzy.

2. Take an Inventory.

Even if you don’t have the details from your doctors yet, if you’re facing the Big C, it’s time to take an inventory — of your assets, your medical team, and what you’ve got going for you — your friends, family, and coworkers. You want to get an idea of who can be part of your support team on this journey, because you’re going to need one. You’re going to need to know where you are financially: do you have medical insurance and what does it cover? How about short- or long-term disability? Can you work during treatment, and if so, how much or how often? Do you have savings to help if you can’t work? Next, consider your treatment: who is your doctor and are they equipped to handle your kind of cancer? Do you feel comfortable with your medical team, or would a specialist in another town or city be better for you? Lastly, take an inventory of your friends, relatives, and coworkers: who do you think can be there for you in the chemo ward, and who can you rely on to pick the kids up from daycare, or bring you takeout when you’re too tired to drive?

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If you don’t have anyone, check out this post at Care.com, which includes links to resources like Lotsa Helping Hands, an online community support tool for “people who need people.” Making a list of your assets and liabilities may be scary at first, but it will be essential in helping you plan for the unexpected. It’s much easier to deal with a surprise expense or disappointment when you know what resources you have available to manage it, whether it’s a rainy day fund or a shoulder to cry on.

3. Make a Road Map.

Take a moment to create a timeline for your treatment based on your diagnosis. Find out if you have to have surgery, radiation, or both. If you have to have chemo, find out how many cycles of which drugs. Start writing everything down using a simple day planner or, if you want to get more detailed, try an online resource like NavigatingCancer.com, which provides tools to organize and manage your care. Think about your specific needs as a cancer patient. Did you know if you are younger than 40, you may have special treatment or counselling needs that don’t fit into the typically “geriatric” or “pediatric” cancer patient’s needs (for example, sperm banking!)? Take advantage of aggregator websites like CancerHawk to help you find the programs, resources, and “to-dos” you haven’t thought of yet.

Once you have a map that outlines the journey you see yourself on, identify important milestones for each step of the way so you can track your progress. Know when you can expect to be recovering from surgery, when you’ll start losing your hair, times when you can expect to be feeling tired, and, most importantly, when you will complete the various stages of your treatment. Having a reliable road map and all the tools you’ll need on the journey will help you manage your patience and endurance in the coming months, and let you look forward to completing each stage of treatment.

4. Stock Your Medicine Cabinet.

When I was facing cancer, my roommate was working with mental health patients in a community program, and she talked about a valuable tool she used to help them cope with stressful situations: a “Medicine Cabinet.” She meant this both figuratively and literally — a “medicine cabinet” is a place where you keep all the things that help you get better. Sometimes, as in the case of a person with a disorder like schizophrenia or diabetes, the “medicine” can be a drug, but in addition to the chemical kind of medicine, it’s important to keep therapeutic medicine in your medicine cabinet: exercise, funny movies, good music, comforting books, talking with friends, being in nature, and anything else that makes you feel healthier, calmer, or happier.

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Before you start treatment, stock your “medicine cabinet” with as many things as you can to help you on those days when you are having a tough time. Also remember: it’s absolutely crucial that you make your contributions to the cabinet as diverse as possible. Having only one coping mechanism puts you in a dangerous place by making you vulnerable to addiction, so collect at least five “go tos” for your cabinet and make it your mission to collect even more.

5. Don’t Put The Cart Before The Horse.

Cancer can definitely throw you for a loop, especially when you turn to Google for advice! Make a decision right now not to make assumptions when you have limited information. This means no jumping to conclusions. You’re not a mind reader or a fortune teller, so don’t make assumptions that will inevitably upset you when you have no legitimate reason to believe they are true. If you have pancreatic cancer, don’t let your mind snowball into thinking you’re going to die. There are people who survive stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The internet is a double-edged sword at best when you’re fighting an illness, so take everything you read online with a grain of salt. Remember that hearsay and anecdotal evidence and misguided thinking are not your friends right now. They will only serve to make you spiral out of control. If you have credible, believable evidence, then by all means, present the evidence to your treatment team for evaluation, and weigh the results rationally. You can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control your reaction to those things by taking a moment to evaluate and consider what you know and what you don’t know, and then decide what you think.

6. Use Magical Thinking Appropriately.

Magical Thinking can serve you when you need to lift your spirits, but let’s face it — imagining rainbows was never proven by the Mayo Clinic to perform better than Adriamycin in a clinical trial. If your doctor tells you that you need a treatment you’re not comfortable with, by all means, get a second opinion, but don’t ignore evidence in favor of daydreams when it comes to cancer. This isn’t just your health you’re safeguarding. It’s your life. Denial, investing in untested cures, or not getting a second opinion can kill you (read Susan G. Komen’s tragic story). Meditating on a white light washing away your tumor might make you feel more comfortable during an MRI, but cancer is not the time to put your head in the sand like an ostrich and imagine everything will be fine if you just “think positive.” If you really want to use visualization and positive thoughts to get you through cancer, use them the way long-distance runners do: to extend endurance. Your body will always tell you when it really needs a break, but if you’re just uncomfortable or unhappy, a “power mantra” can distract you long enough to make it through a procedure or chemo session.

7. Find a Community.

Cancer can make you feel the most alone you’ve ever felt in your life. You might start to tell yourself you are the only one who’s ever been here, who’s ever done this, but trust me — you’re not. Whether you’re a little boy, a middle-aged woman, or a grandfather, there is a community out there that will support you and embrace you, and the Internet has made it so easy to find them! Start with ImermanAngels.org, which maintains an extensive database of cancer survivors, organized by type, age at diagnosis, stage, and location. Imerman will connect you with other survivors, often in your neck of the woods, who have been where you’ve been. You want to find your “comrades in arms” in this fight, so don’t be afraid to narrow down your search for a community that “gets” what you’re going through. The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute has a great example of a program devoted to a specific patient demographic: young women.

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If you have a specific type of cancer, there are even support groups out there created solely to connect, empower, and educate you — Tamika And Friends and partner site, Cervivor.org, are amazing organizations devoted specifically to supporting cervical cancer patients and survivors. If you’re a young survivor, check out Camp Mak-A-Dream or First Descents, which offer retreats that will connect you with other young people (under 40) who have or have had cancer. CancerCare.org maintains an extensive list of cancer community resources sorted by type (Online, Telephone, and In Person). The bottom line is, you’re going to need to talk to people who understand this stuff. Reach out, and you won’t feel so isolated in your struggle.

8. Throw Your Caregivers a Bone.

Many times, it is the caregivers — the parents, children, siblings, or friends — who feel the most helpless or upset when you’ve been diagnosed with cancer. They need to feel like they can do something. Sometimes, their attempts to help can seem completely inept or insulting — like booking you for a makeover the day your hair starts falling out — but try to understand where these efforts are coming from. If someone is truly your friend, they will never be intentionally insensitive! They might just be lost, not knowing what they can do to help, so they’re grasping at straws. Cut them some slack. You’re friends aren’t psychic, and chances are, they have no idea what a person with cancer needs (or needs to hear). Do them a favor, and throw them a bone. If you’re sick of pinkwashing and really just  need a big, long, hug, you have to summon the courage to say to your friend, “You know, I so appreciate that you keep giving me pink bears, and you are really thoughtful to make an effort to show me you care. What I could really use from you right now is a bear hug…. and an Oprah Chai. Think we can take the bear to Starbucks?” Your friend will be so grateful to actually know what you need. So use your words, and remember that the people who love you only want to feel useful and helpful during this tough time for you. Give them what they need to be there for you.

9. Don’t Waste Your Energy.

I’m not going to lie: there are going to be jerks on this journey. There are going to be people who, when you say you’re worried about your recovery or survival, will belittle your concern or even try to blame you for your cancer! Recognize where this attitude comes from: their own fears of getting sick or dying. You see, some people need to believe that you “gave” yourself cancer, because if cancer is your fault, then a) it can’t happen to them and b) it means you must somehow be in control of whether you survive it or not. The people you love want to believe that beating cancer is as simple as you trying harder or taking the right medicine. They don’t want to believe that cancer can happen to anyone, and that the people they love can die from it no matter how badly they want them to live. We know the truth though: no one deserves cancer; no one asks for cancer. It’s unexpected and unfair. So when someone implies cancer is somehow your fault, the only appropriate response is to first, gently remind them of this.

Let them know that you understand how your illness might be reminding them that they’re mortal, but you’d appreciate them keeping their theories (on why you got cancer, why you deserve it, or what you can do to keep it from coming back) to themselves. If they say they’re “only trying to help,” just say, “Well, that’s very thoughtful of you to try, but you’re actually not helping me,” and then give them an example of what would help you, such as reading a book about what cancer patients do want to hear. If someone continues to be a jerk, simply put some space between you and that person. On your road to recovery, you can’t afford to let people drain and depress you. Cancer can be draining and depressing enough by itself!

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10. Design Your Survivorship Plan.

The last thing you need to do is really get a handle on what you want your “Life After Cancer” to look like. Have a plan for when you finish treatment that addresses the physical, emotional, and financial blows cancer will bring. Knowing where you want to be when this is all over will help you get through it. Start with a practical plan: how many checkups do you need? What are the important ones? Take a look at these Survivorship Plan options and find one that speaks to you. Next, I suggest you build a “ladder:” a list of anything and everything that cancer took away, threatened to take away, or made you think you couldn’t do. It might be running a marathon, seeing the Great Wall of China, or building a treehouse. Whatever they are, make a plan to check as many as you can off in the next five years.

Remember, cancer can threaten your future, but it can’t take it away. You get to decide what happens next, and how you want to spend the rest of your life, be it 50 days or 50 years. Now is the time to write your second act!

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Last Updated on April 14, 2021

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

How to Deal With Anger (The Ultimate Anger Management Guide)

We all lose our temper from time to time, and expressing anger is actually a healthy thing to do in our relationships with others. Expressing our differences in opinion allows us to have healthy conflict and many times come to an agreement or understanding that works for everyone. However, there are times when anger can become overwhelming or damaging, and during these times, it’s important to learn how to deal with anger.

Expressing anger inappropriately can be harmful to relationships, both personal and professional. You may express too much anger, too often, or at times that are only going to make things worse, not better. In this article we will look at anger management techniques that will help you better control your emotions.

Let’s take a deeper look at how to deal with anger.

Expressing Anger

Anger is a natural and normal part of almost any relationship. This includes relationships with your significant other, kids, boss, friends, family, etc. Anger provides us with valuable information if we are willing to listen to it. It clues us in to areas where we disagree with others and things that need to be changed or altered.

Unhealthy Ways to Express Anger

Here are some common yet unhealthy ways to express anger that you should avoid:

Being Passive-Aggressive

This is a term many of us are familiar with. Passive-aggressive behavior happens when someone is angry but uses indirect communication to express their anger.

Some of the more common passive-aggressive behaviors include the silent treatment, making comments about someone behind their back, being grumpy, moody, or pouting, or simply not doing tasks or assignments that they should.

This is a passive-aggressive person’s way of showing their anger. It’s not very productive but extremely common.

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Poorly-Timed

Some people get overwhelmed and express anger in a situation where it can’t really do any good.

An example would be getting angry at one person in front of a crowd of people. All that does is make people uncomfortable and shuts them down. It’s not a healthy way to express anger or disagreement with someone.

Ongoing Anger

Being angry all the time is most often a symptom of something else. It’s healthy and normal to express anger when you disagree with someone. However, if someone is angry most of the time and always seems to be expressing their anger to everyone around them, this won’t serve them well.

Over time, people will start to avoid this person and have as little contact as possible. The reason being is no one likes being around someone who is angry all the time; it’s a no-win situation.

Healthy Ways to Express Anger

What about the healthy ways[1] to adapt? When learning how to deal with anger, here are some healthy ways to get you started.

Being Honest

Express your anger or disagreement honestly. Be truthful about what it is that is making you angry. Sometimes this will entail walking away and thinking about it for a bit before you respond.

Don’t say you’re mad at something someone did or said when it’s really something else that upset you.

Being Direct

Similar to being honest, being direct is a healthy way to express anger.

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Don’t talk around something that is making you angry. Don’t say that one thing is making you angry when it’s really something else, and don’t stack items on top of each other so you can unload on someone about 10 different things 6 months from now.

Be direct and upfront about what is making you angry. Ensure you are expressing your anger to the person who upset you or you are angry at, not to someone else. This is very counterproductive.

Being Timely

When something makes you angry, it’s much better to express it in a timely manner. Don’t keep it bottled up inside of you, as that’s only going to do more harm than good.

Think of the marriages that seem to go up in flames out of nowhere when the reality is someone kept quiet for years until they hit their breaking point.

Expressing anger as it occurs is a much healthier way of using anger to help us guide our relationships in the moment.

How to Deal With Anger

If you feel angry, how should you deal with it right at that moment?

1. Slow Down

From time to time, I receive an email at work that makes me so angry that steam is probably pouring out of my ears.

In my less restrained moments, I have been known to fire off a quick response, and that typically has ended about as well as you might imagine.

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When I actually walk away from my computer and go do something else for a while, I am able to calm down and think more rationally. After that happens, I am able to respond in a more appropriate and productive manner. Doing things that helps you learn how to release anger can make an uncomfortable situation more manageable before it gets out of hand.

2. Focus on the “I”

Remember that you are the one that’s upset. Don’t accuse people of making you upset because, in the end, it’s your response to what someone did that really triggered your anger. You don’t want to place blame by saying something like “Why don’t you ever put away your dishes?” Say something more like “Having dirty dishes laying on the counter upsets me—can you work with me to come to a solution?”

When you are accusatory towards someone, all that does is increase the tension. This doesn’t usually do anything except make your anger rise higher.

3. Work out

When learning how to deal with anger, exercise is a great outlet. If something happens that angers you, see if you have the opportunity to burn off some of the anger.

Being able to hit the gym to get a hard workout in is great. If this isn’t an option, see if you can go for a run or a bike ride. If you are at work when you become angry and the weather permits, at least go outside for a brisk walk.

Besides working some of your anger out through exercise, this also helps to give your mind a chance to work through some ways to address what it is that upset you.

If you’re not sure where to start with an exercise routine, check out Lifehack’s free Simple Cardio Home Workout Plan.

4. Seek Help When Needed

There are times when we could all use some help. Life can be stressful and overwhelming. It’s perfectly fine to seek some help from a mental health professional if it will help you get back to a healthy balance.If you find that you are angry all the time, it might be a good idea to go talk to an expert about learning to control intense emotions. They can give you some sound advice and ideas on how to get your anger to a more manageable and healthy level.

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5. Practice Relaxation

We all seem to lead incredibly busy lives, and that’s a good thing if we are loving the life we are living. That being said, it is very beneficial to our physical and mental well-being to take time out for relaxation.

That can mean spending time doing things that help us calm down and relax, like being around people we enjoy, practicing deep breathing or listening to music. It could be making time for things that help bring us balance like a healthy diet and physical activity.

Many people incorporate techniques such as yoga and meditation to calm their minds and release tension when learning how to deal with anger. Whatever your choice is, ensure you take time out to relax when warning signs of anger start to bubble up.

6. Laugh

Incorporating humor and laughter on a regular basis will help keep anger in check and help you get over a bad mood and feelings of anger more quickly. This isn’t part of formal anger management techniques, but you’ll be surprised by how well it works. Remember, life is a journey that’s meant to be enjoyed fully along the way through healthy emotion. Make sure you take time to laugh and have fun.Surround yourself with people that like to laugh and enjoy life. Don’t work at a job that just causes you stress, which can lead to anger. Work at something you enjoy doing.

7. Be Grateful

It’s easy to focus on the bad in life and the things that cause us negative emotions. It’s vitally important to remind ourselves of all the wonderful things in life that bring us positive emotions, things that we easily forget because we get caught up in the whirlwind of day to day life.

Take time out each day to remind yourself of a few things you are grateful for in order to help you learn how to release anger and invite in more positive feelings.

Final Thoughts

Life can be overwhelming at times. We seem to have constant pressure to achieve more and to always be on the go. People we are around and situations we are in can cause stress, anger, and negative emotions. At times, it can seem to be too much, and we get angry and our emotions start to get out of control.

During these times, keep in mind that life is an incredible journey, full of wonder and things that bring you joy. When you find yourself angry more often than is healthy, take time out to remember the good things in life—the things that we seem to forget yet bring us so much positive energy and emotions.

Use some of the tips included here to help with how to deal with anger and better control your emotions.

More Resources on Anger Management

Featured photo credit: Andre Hunter via unsplash.com

Reference

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