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10 Things We Mistake for Happiness and How to Correct Them

10 Things We Mistake for Happiness and How to Correct Them

Happiness is one of the many things whose meaning can be different for one person from the next. What makes one happy may not exactly be what another person has in mind, and we take different routes to get our share of bliss. Some are fine with delayed gratification while others want happiness right away.

It’s perfectly all right to want happiness now, but to get there, we need to let go of some things or stop doing them altogether. While there are many ways to be happy, we tend to overlook the big picture and bury our toes in the warm sand that is temporary happiness. That part of us that settles is where we trade true happiness for greater joy. Below are ten things we sometimes confuse with happiness and ways to free ourselves from them.

1. A job you don’t like doing.

Sure, paying the bills and keeping a healthy savings account are valid reasons for why you should get a job, but it’s equally important that what you do for a living makes you happy. It’s simple: happiness at work makes you more productive, makes your coworkers and clients like you, and it helps you get closer to success.

Sometimes, however, the same job that you gave an arm and leg to snag becomes the thing you dread doing the next day. To be fair, it’s perfectly normal to grumble a bit about having to work over time all of a sudden, or being given a last-minute deadline on a Friday night, but if you can’t get through the day without whining about your job and still claim that you love it, it’s time to rethink your reasons for why you’re staying in that company. The security of having a job—any job—is not always synonymous to being happy with it.

On the other hand, just because you’ve been feeling downtrodden at work doesn’t always mean you should quit. Sometimes, all you need to do is to move things around. It can be changing your routine into something that will make you more efficient, or maybe a transfer to a different department where you’ll also fit. You can also consider taking a vacation. If none of these work, resort to exploring other career opportunities.

2. A relationship that isn’t working.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but this reason is prone to abuse simply because its truth makes it a convenient excuse. Most relationships, if not all, begins as if it’s the first day of Spring, where the flowers start to bloom and the days are always sunny. However, it is only when you subject it through all four seasons will you know if it can weather anything. Many couples are able to bend with the blows, then again, not all of them manage to make peace with with the hectic waves that comes with a relationship.

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The point is this: though people mature as individuals, there is a chance that this growth will not manifest in the relationship, and even if it does, there is no guarantee that you will enjoy the benefits together. At times, it is those changes that make us realize that we want someone else, not necessarily because what we have isn’t good (although there are times when that is the case), but simply because we need a partner that complements us better. It pays to assess your relationship once in a while, and to do everything you can to save it. But if the relationship is beyond salvation, you have to have enough guts to face the truth, and the integrity to save each other from more pain by calling it quits.

3. The latest in everything.

For the record, there is nothing wrong with being able to afford the latest smartphone, car, or that ridiculously-priced espresso machine, for there can be unparalleled joy in the experience brought to you by the world’s finest. The thing is sometimes we get a little too absorbed by our fear of missing out and believe that the best way to stay relevant is by having everything new behind glass display cases.

It still helps to ask ourselves if we truly need the things we want to blow money on, or if we just want to scratch a temporary itch. Regardless of where your money comes from, it’s important that you get optimal value from the things you pay for. It’s normal to want to buy things that tickle your fancy but if you don’t see yourself maximizing its utility, reconsider the purchase. However, if it does improve the quality of your life, then by all means put it in your cart.

4. Watching too much television.

4 watching too much television

    Television has gotten a lot of flak thanks to programs that capitalize on our insatiable need to be validated at all costs. To be fair, there a lot of good programs out there, ones that will rehydrate your interest in the arts and in science, or teach you how to cook a mean slab of rib eye.

    There are times, however, when we mindlessly flip through channels and indulge ourselves by watching shows without giving what we see and hear much thought. We rely a bit too much on shows to explain everything for us and take this as the ultimate truth. This prevents us from exercising discernment on whether what we’re watching makes sense and how much (or little) value it adds to our lives.

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    As powerful as TV is as a medium, being hooked on it can cause a dent on our imagination by blurring it. There is merit in assessing the kinds of shows we watch and in asking what benefit we’re getting from them. It’s human to find yourself envious of the lives led by people you see on TV but if it’s turning you into a bitter case of couch potato, perhaps it’s time to turn the box off.

    5. An obsession with perfection.

    One of the funny things about pursuing perfection is that no matter how many times we are told that nobody and nothing is perfect (except maybe Emma Watson), it doesn’t stop us from wanting to achieve it. This is a good trait to a degree, but if our fixation on wanting everything to be perfect gets in the way of actually accomplishing things, then we won’t really achieve anything.

    This is where practice comes in, but we also have to remember that the goal of practicing is not just the mastery of a process but also adjusting to changes that are required to attain perfection. Speaking of process, don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get it right the first time. More often than not, it is the criticisms in our work that lead us to the next step to improvement.

    6. Complaining without acting.

    6 complaining without acting

      There is nothing essentially wrong with complaining, and it has its benefits too. It can be a way of pointing out the weaknesses in a system, and that they can be improved. The problem occurs when all people do is to complain as if they’re getting paid to do it.

      You see, complaining is one thing but doing something about it is a different story. The former is easier to do than the latter and a lot of people are comfortable with putting the spotlight on what is wrong in a system that they are a part of. The thing is if we don’t proactively become part of the solution, we just end up whining and annoying everyone else who is willing to listen to us. If you have the nerve to talk to others about what you think is wrong, it’s time to muster the courage to escalate it to more capable hands.

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      7. Putting up with friends who drag you down.

      For many of us, letting go of a friend is harder than breaking up with a significant other. This doesn’t mean that you have to put up with your friends bad habits though. It may be true that as friends, we should accept and love them for who they are, but there are cases where we have to choose between watching them harm themselves and pushing us off the cliff’s edge.

      For instance, some people can be a bit too clingy and make their friends feel bad when they can’t be there for them. However, being dependable is different from coddling. While we expect our buddies to be on our side, we can’t expect them to put their lives on hold every single time. Of course, it’s worthwhile to talk to our friends to iron out misunderstandings and to give them enough room to change, but if all else fails maybe it’s time to bail out on them one last time.

      8. Having too many friends on social media.

      Never has making friends and staying connected been easier until social media happened, but you got to admit that it’s not always the best way. It can be quite flattering to have a lot of followers in your social network until all you see on your dashboard is crazy narcissistic behavior put on display.

      Of course, social media isn’t bad per se. On the other hand, it can be an easy source of angst, frustration even. A lot of people have picked up the habit of posting everything that goes on with their life, and while it can be harmless to find out what your friend had for lunch two hours ago, not everyone is in the mood for fifty versions of a single selfie all the time. There are many other ways social media can drive people into their wits’ end, but the point is you don’t have to bear with them. Unfollow and Unfriend if you must and be ready with an honest explanation.

      9. Pursuing an interest to please someone else.

      Being invited by someone to join a project or to get into a new hobby can be good, especially if you want to become more interesting or you need the distraction, but if you’re only doing it to please someone else, you risk awkwardness and drama when the excitement wears off and you want out.

      To be fair, trying out new things even if you didn’t initially plan on it can turn out well. However, if you find yourself getting less interested by the session, you might want to consider quitting. Explaining it to the person who invited you may be hard, but you owe them your honesty, and you owe yourself the opportunity to pursue things that can really make you happy.

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      10. Making fun of other people.

      10 making fun of other people

        Sense of humor is one of the few things that will never go out of style, and it’s amazing to be funny and to have friends who can crack you up. Sometimes though, we become too comfortable with our funniness. We barely notice that we cross certain lines. The thing is we don’t realize this until someone calls it out or when we start losing friends one by one.

        The ability to make people laugh is a skill, and it is a good sign of creativity and confidence. However, insult-based humor can be offensive and you can’t expect everyone to be a good sport about it. Instead of being defensive when you hurt somebody’s feelings, own up to your mistake and apologize. You can still be funny without rubbing people the wrong way.

        If you think about it, happiness is easy but sometimes it is what we do to achieve it that makes it complicated. Simplifying things can be a good start, and if you find yourself too lazy to change, just remember that life is short to be miserable.

        Featured photo credit: happy pills via c2.staticflickr.com

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        Last Updated on August 19, 2019

        How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

        How to Be True to Yourself and Live the Life You Want

        We live in a world that constantly tells us what to do, how to act, what to be. Knowing how to be true to yourself and live the life you want can be a challenge.

        When someone asks how we are, we assume that the person does not mean the question sincerely, for it would lead to an in depth conversation. So telling them that you are good or fine, even if you’re not, is the usual answer.

        In an ideal world, we would stop and truly listen. We wouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves. Instead, when we answer about how we are doing, our mask, the persona we show the world, tightens. Sometimes even more so than it might have been before. Eventually, it becomes hard to take off, even when you’re alone.

        Imagine a world where we asked how someone was doing and they really told us. Imagine a world where there were no masks, only transparency when we talked to one another.

        If you want to live in a world that celebrates who you are, mistakes and all, take off the mask. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive or fine all the time.

        According to a Danish psychologist, Svend Brinkman, we expect each other to be happy and fine every second, and we expect it of ourselves. And that “has a dark side.”[1] Positive psychology can have its perks but not at the expense at hiding how you truly feel in order to remain seemingly positive to others.

        No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this. That said, telling others you are ‘“fine”’ all the time is actually detrimental to your wellbeing, because it stops you from being assertive, from being authentic or your truest self.

        When you acknowledge a feeling, it leads you to the problem that’s causing that feeling; and once you identify the problem, you can find a solution to it. When you hide that feeling, you stuff it way down so no one can help you.You can’t even help yourself.

        Feelings are there for one reason: to be felt. That doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling. It just means that you start the process of problem solving so you can live the life you want.

        1. Embrace Your Vulnerability

        When you are your true self, you can better self-advocate or stand up for what you need. Your self-expression matters, and you should value your voice. It’s okay to need things, it’s okay to speak up, and it’s okay not to be okay.

        Telling someone you are simply “fine” when you are not, does your story and your journey a great disservice. Being true to yourself entails embracing all aspects of your existence.

        When you bring your whole self to the table, there is nothing that you can’t beat. Here’re 7 benefits of being vulnerable you should learn.

        Can you take off the mask? This is the toughest thing anyone can do. We have learned to wait until we are safe before we start to be authentic.

        In relationships especially, this can be hard. Some people avoid vulnerability at any cost. And in our relationship with ourselves, we can look in the mirror and immediately put on the mask.

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        It all starts with your story. You have been on your own unique journey. That journey has led you here, to the person you are today. You have to be unafraid, and embrace all aspects of that journey.

        You should seek to thrive, not just survive. That means you do not have to compete or compare yourself with anyone.

        Authenticity means you are enough. It’s enough to be who you are to get what you want.

        What if for the first time ever, you were real? What if you said what you wanted to say, did what you wanted to do, and didn’t apologize for it?

        You were assertive, forthcoming in your opinions or actions to stand for what is right for you, (rather than being passive or aggressive) in doing so. You didn’t let things get to you. You knew you had something special to offer.

        That’s where we all should be.

        So, answer me this:

        How are you, really?

        And know that no matter the answer, you should still be accepted.

        Bravery is in the understanding that you still may not be accepted for your truth.

        Bravery is knowing you matter even when others say that you do not.

        Bravery is believing in yourself when all evidence counters doing so (i.e. past failures or losses)

        Bravery is in being vulnerable while knowing vulnerability is a sign of strength.

        It’s taking control.

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        2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity

        You can take control of your destiny and live the life you want by being true to yourself. You can start anytime. You can start today.

        You can start with one day at a time, just facing what happens that day. Most of us get overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of a big change. Even if the only thing we change is our attitude.

        In one instant, you can become a different person with a change of attitude. When you take control of your attitude, you become able to better understand what is around you. This allows you to move forward.

        Originally, you may have had a life plan. It could have started when you were little; you were hoping to become a mermaid, doctor, astronaut or all three when you grew up. You were hoping to be someone. You were hoping to be remembered.

        You can still dream those dreams, but eventually reality sets in. Obstacles and struggles arise. You set on a different path when the last one didn’t work out. You think of all the “shoulds” in your life in living the life you want. You should be doing this…should be doing that…

        Clayton Barbeau, psychologist, coined the term “shoulding yourself.’[2] When we are set on one path and find ourselves doing something different. It becomes all the things you should be doing rather than seeing the opportunities right in front of you.

        But in all this disarray, did you lose sight of the real you?

        It may be in our perceived failures and blunders that we lose sight of who we are, because we try to maintain position and status.

        In being who we really are and achieving what we really want, we need to be resilient: How to Build Resilience to Face What Life Throws at You

        It means that we do not see all possibilities of what might happen, but must trust ourselves to begin again, and continue to build the life we want. In the face of adversity, you must choose your attitude.

        Can attitude overcome adversity? It certainly helps. While seeking to be true to yourself and live the life you want, you will have to face a fact:

        Change will happen.

        Whether that change is good or bad is unique to each person and their perspective.

        You might have to start over, once, twice, a few times. It doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but that you will be okay. What remains or should remain is the true you. When you’ve lost sight of that, you’ve lost sight of everything.

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        And then, you rebuild. Moment after moment, day after day. We all have a choice, and in this moment, that matters.

        You can choose to have a positive attitude, seeing the silver lining in each situation and, where there is none, the potential for one. Maybe that silver lining is you and what you will do with the situation. How will you use it for something good?

        That’s how you can tap into yourself and your power. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. It can happen when we aren’t even looking for it, or it can be your only focus. Everyone gets there differently.

        You can rise, or you can remain. Your choice.

        When the worst happens, you can rely on your authenticity to pull you through. That’s because Self Advocacy, speaking up to let others know what you need, is part of finding the real you.

        There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Or sometimes, helping others can help us deal with the pain of a hurtful situation. You decide how you’re going to help others, and suddenly, you become your best self.

        3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking

        Being the best version of you has nothing to do with your success or your status. It has everything to do with your Character, what you do when no one’s looking.

        In order to create the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be. Faking it till you make it is just a way to white knuckle it through your journey. You have the fire inside of you to make things right, to put the pieces together, to live authentically. And Character is how you get there.

        If you fall down and you help another up while you’re down there, it’s like you rise twice.

        Along with attitude, your character is about the choices you make rather than what happens to you.

        Yes, it’s about doing the right thing even when obstacles seem insurmountable.  It’s about using that mountain you’ve been given to show others it can be moved.  It’s about being unapologetically you, taking control, choosing your attitude in adversity and being the best version of you to create the life you want.

        How do you know what you really want? Is it truly status or success?

        Unfortunately, these things do not always bring happiness. And aspects of our image or “performance driven existence” may not achieve satisfaction. Materialism is part of our refusal to accept ourselves as enough. All the things we use to repress our true selves are about being enough.

        “Enoughness” is what we truly seek, but ego gets in the way.

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        Ego is the perception of self as outer worth. It’s not REAL self worth.

        Ego represses our true self with a new self— the self of chasing ‘“Am I ever enough?”’ questions. And instead of filling our true selves with self-love and acceptance, when we “should ourselves” and chase “enoughness,” we feed the ego or our image.

        It’s important to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH, without all the material trappings.

        Stanford psychologist Meagan O’Reilly describes the damage of not thinking we are enough. One of her tactics for combating this is to complete the sentence,[3]

        “If I believed I were already enough, I’d ____”

        What would you do if you felt you were enough?

        By believing you are enough, you can live the life you want.

        So many fake it to try to get there, and they end up losing themselves when they lose more and more touch with their Authenticity.

        Final Thoughts

        By being yourself, you are being brave. By acknowledging all you can be, you tell the universe that you can until you believe it too. The steps are easy, and you are worth it. All of it is about the purpose you are leading and the passion that is your fuel.

        Being true to yourself is all about mastering how to live life authentically rather than faking or forcing it. Having the life you want (and deserve) is about being trusting in yourself and the purpose you are living for. Both need passion behind it, fueling it each second, or you will experience burn out.

        When you are authentic, you can call the road you walk your own. When you live your life for you and not just the results of all your actions (faking it till you make it), you can let go of what you don’t need. This clarifies and pushes purpose to you, living for something that is greater than you.

        You will find that making decisions based on what will actually achieve your goals, will help you attain the life you want, and your success with each step, will allow you to enjoy the process. Good luck!

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        Featured photo credit: Ariana Prestes via unsplash.com

        Reference

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