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In the Hot Seat: The Home Wrecker

In the Hot Seat: The Home Wrecker

Although we hate drama when it affects our own lives, most of us have a weakness for movies and stories about scandalous affairs. We can’t get enough of cheating spouses and cat fights between a dutiful wife and the home wrecker.

You may know couples (or former couples) who have endured affairs. As much as you hate to see people hurt, it’s hard to resist the pull of the story behind the scandal.

We usually hear from the party that was most injured in all of this–the person who got cheated on. It’s less common to hear the home wrecker’s side of the story. It’s time to recognize that these stories have more than two sides.

We’ve compiled testimonies from women who have been labelled as mistresses to give you some insight in to what it feels like to be in their position and why they do the things that they do. We’ve kept their responses anonymous so that they could avoid inflicting more damage on themselves or others.

People don’t necessarily go out of their way to be the “other woman”

Lifehack: What’s the story behind being a mistress?

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Anonymous: I was just a regular gal, but I was always a bit of a tomboy. I wasn’t afraid to get my hands dirty, and I worked in a male-dominated field. I was around guys all the time, but most of the time things stayed professional. We all had work to do, and I just happened to be working with men.

I became friends with many of my coworkers. I definitely didn’t intend to harm anyone’s relationship. One guy, in particular, started confiding in me about the problems he was having in his relationship. What started out as platonic turned into something that wasn’t.

Lifehack: Why did the relationship start, and why did you feel that it was OK to continue it?

Anonymous: I think there was a base-line of attraction there, but you don’t necessarily start a relationship with everyone you’re attracted to. That attraction, plus an underlying friendship and common interests, plus an unhappy marriage was the perfect storm for us.

I felt guilty about what was happening, but he also convinced me that his marriage was basically over. He said they hadn’t slept together in over a year, they had nothing in common, and they fought all the time. He was going to break up with her anyway, but he was just waiting for the right time.

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By that point, I had developed feelings for him. I didn’t feel like I was destroying the marriage because–according to him–it was already broken.

Lifehack: Do your friends and family know about the affair that you were a part of?

Anonymous: My friends and family don’t discuss it with me, but I’m sure they have their suspicions. He was my “best friend,” and then he just disappeared. I never felt more alone than after I ended that relationship. I couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

My husband does know about what happened. One thing I learned from all of this is that you have to be 100% honest with your partner. That means owning your past. He doesn’t hang it over my head. He knows I’m not proud of what happened, and we both agree that that behavior would be a deal-breaker for us.

Lifehack: What is the biggest mistake you made as a third party?

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Anonymous: I always knew that it was morally wrong to do what I did. If you told me that I was going to be somebody’s mistress a few years ago, I wouldn’t have believed you.

I think the biggest mistake I made was that I believed the lies coming out of my ex’s mouth. When he told me he was planning to end it with his wife, I thought meant that it was over between them. When it was time for him to take legal action to dissolve his marriage, he had all these excuses. I realized that if I meant as much to him as he said I did, and if he was truly over his wife, this wouldn’t have been a hard decision.

I wasted so much time on someone who didn’t care, and I regret that I hurt another woman through my actions.

Lifehack: What’s one piece of advice you’d give to someone who’s on the verge of becoming the other woman?

Anonymous: There’s really no good outcome for this situation. He may tell you that he loves you and wants to be with you, but if that was the case, you wouldn’t be the other woman. He’s probably going to string you along for as long as he can. He keeps up appearances and lives life with his family, and he also gets the physical and emotional comfort that you can offer. From his perspective, there’s no need for anything to change.

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Even if he breaks it off with his wife in the middle of your affair, your relationship started with a lie. How will you be able to trust that he won’t cheat on you in a few years when all the excitement has worn off?

The biggest piece of advice I could give is that you need to respect yourself. Realize that you are worthy of real love. You don’t have to hide true love. You don’t have to come in second. Be with someone who’s willing to put you first.

Lifehack: What’s one thing you want everyone reading to know about your situation?

Anonymous: I’m not some monster who woke up one morning and decided I wanted to ruin someone’s relationship. I’m a normal person who got sucked into a bad situation. I’m not trying to cast blame on anyone else–I know I messed up. The hard line that I had drawn between right and wrong got blurry. I was made to believe a lot of things that simply weren’t true.

Before I ended up in this situation, I would have judged the “other woman” harshly. Now I know that you shouldn’t judge someone unless you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.

There you have it

You’ve heard it straight from the horse’s mouth. The home wrecker isn’t always a scantily-clad vixen dead-set on stealing your man. The truth behind these scandals is often way more complicated than what we see on TV.

Featured photo credit: Rhys A./ Flickr via flickr.com

More by this author

Anna Chui

Anna is a communication expert and a life enthusiast. She's the editor of Lifehack and loves to write about love, life, and passion.

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Last Updated on March 13, 2019

How to Get out of a Rut: 12 Useful Ways to Get Unstuck

How to Get out of a Rut: 12 Useful Ways to Get Unstuck

Have you gotten into a rut before? Or are you in a rut right now?

You know you’re in a rut when you run out of ideas and inspiration. I personally see a rut as a productivity vacuum. It might very well be a reason why you aren’t getting results. Even as you spend more time on your work, you can’t seem to get anything constructive done. While I’m normally productive, I get into occasional ruts (especially when I’ve been working back-to-back without rest). During those times, I can spend an entire day in front of the computer and get nothing done. It can be quite frustrating.

Over time, I have tried and found several methods that are helpful to pull me out of a rut. If you experience ruts too, whether as a working professional, a writer, a blogger, a student or other work, you will find these useful. Here are 12 of my personal tips to get out of ruts:

1. Work on the small tasks.

When you are in a rut, tackle it by starting small. Clear away your smaller tasks which have been piling up. Reply to your emails, organize your documents, declutter your work space, and reply to private messages.

Whenever I finish doing that, I generate a positive momentum which I bring forward to my work.

2. Take a break from your work desk.

Get yourself away from your desk and go take a walk. Go to the washroom, walk around the office, go out and get a snack.

Your mind is too bogged down and needs some airing. Sometimes I get new ideas right after I walk away from my computer.

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3. Upgrade yourself

Take the down time to upgrade yourself. Go to a seminar. Read up on new materials (#7). Pick up a new language. Or any of the 42 ways here to improve yourself.

The modern computer uses different typefaces because Steve Jobs dropped in on a calligraphy class back in college. How’s that for inspiration?

4. Talk to a friend.

Talk to someone and get your mind off work for a while.

Talk about anything, from casual chatting to a deep conversation about something you really care about. You will be surprised at how the short encounter can be rejuvenating in its own way.

5. Forget about trying to be perfect.

If you are in a rut, the last thing you want to do is step on your own toes with perfectionist tendencies.

Just start small. Do what you can, at your own pace. Let yourself make mistakes.

Soon, a little trickle of inspiration will come. And then it’ll build up with more trickles. Before you know it, you have a whole stream of ideas.

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6. Paint a vision to work towards.

If you are continuously getting in a rut with your work, maybe there’s no vision inspiring you to move forward.

Think about why you are doing this, and what you are doing it for. What is the end vision in mind?

Make it as vivid as possible. Make sure it’s a vision that inspires you and use that to trigger you to action.

7. Read a book (or blog).

The things we read are like food to our brain. If you are out of ideas, it’s time to feed your brain with great materials.

Here’s a list of 40 books you can start off with. Stock your browser with only the feeds of high quality blogs, such as Lifehack.org, DumbLittleMan, Seth Godin’s Blog, Tim Ferris’ Blog, Zen Habits or The Personal Excellence Blog.

Check out the best selling books; those are generally packed with great wisdom.

8. Have a quick nap.

If you are at home, take a quick nap for about 20-30 minutes. This clears up your mind and gives you a quick boost. Nothing quite like starting off on a fresh start after catching up on sleep.

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9. Remember why you are doing this.

Sometimes we lose sight of why we do what we do, and after a while we become jaded. A quick refresher on why you even started on this project will help.

What were you thinking when you thought of doing this? Retrace your thoughts back to that moment. Recall why you are doing this. Then reconnect with your muse.

10. Find some competition.

Nothing quite like healthy competition to spur us forward. If you are out of ideas, then check up on what people are doing in your space.

Colleagues at work, competitors in the industry, competitors’ products and websites, networking conventions.. you get the drill.

11. Go exercise.

Since you are not making headway at work, might as well spend the time shaping yourself up.

Sometimes we work so much that we neglect our health and fitness. Go jog, swim, cycle, whichever exercise you prefer.

As you improve your physical health, your mental health will improve, too. The different facets of ourselves are all interlinked.

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Here’re 15 Tips to Restart the Exercise Habit (and How to Keep It).

12. Take a good break.

Ruts are usually signs that you have been working too long and too hard. It’s time to get a break.

Beyond the quick tips above, arrange for a 1-day or 2-days of break from your work. Don’t check your (work) emails or do anything work-related. Relax and do your favorite activities. You will return to your work recharged and ready to start.

Contrary to popular belief, the world will not end from taking a break from your work. In fact, you will be much more ready to make an impact after proper rest. My best ideas and inspiration always hit me whenever I’m away from my work.

Take a look at this to learn the importance of rest: The Importance of Scheduling Downtime

More Resources About Getting out of a Rut

Featured photo credit: Joshua Earle via unsplash.com

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